Video Transcript: Shepherding Women in Crisis

Logistics and Legalities

Shepherding Women in Crisis

At the time, I was an inexperienced women's ministry leader. The team had announced a women's event, which meant I was getting a lot of phone calls that week. There were questions that various women had about the logistics of the event. One phone call was quite unlike the others, although it began in a routine way. Three hours later, I was in shock. A woman who was new to our church, I had not had the opportunity to even meet her yet, called to find out when was the latest she could RSVP. Simple question. Very quickly, it spiraled out of control. In that three hours, I learned everything about her. She was a woman in crisis, who had no one to turn to, emotionally distraught, mentally unstable, and physically broken in addiction. This addiction destroyed her family, her job, and her life.

When I got off the phone with her, I immediately reached out to our pastor's wife to get counsel. I didn't know how to handle a woman in this type of crisis. As a women's ministry leader, the woman expected a level of "counseling” out of me that I was ill-equipped to give. It was something that no one had prepared me for, in regards to stepping up into leadership. It doesn't matter if that leadership role is a pastor or a Bible study leader. The moment you don that leadership title, there is an expectation from those you lead. They expect that you are a woman seasoned in the word, that you have some experience (life or education) that put you in that position, and that you will provide them with wise counsel.

Until this one evening, the sum of my "counseling” was more akin to "consoling”. I was able to be a shoulder for a grieving mom to cry on. I could share some wisdom about being a godly wife or getting through the toddler years. I could even "counsel” women on carving out time for a healthy spiritual life. I was not prepared for dealing with serious issues like addiction or abuse. I also didn't understand how to employ safeguarding boundaries for myself (and my family) when I encountered people in crisis. Empathy for the individual who was in crisis would turn into guilt if I were unavailable to talk to them at the moment. I was also not brought into the loop about the legal concerns when someone comes to you in crisis, and you may be required by the law to report it to the authorities. Ministry leaders may not be afforded the same confidentiality protection as pastors, reverends, and ministers.

This is an area where many churches may be dropping the ball in training their leaders, resulting in a lack of preparation when these types of things happen. My pastor's wife was able to reassure me that the church was aware of her issue and caution me on how much more involved I should allow myself to get. But she also released me as she reminded me: "Gena, you are not a counselor. This isn't your job, you need to let professionals take care of her issues.”  Through this situation, we recognized the position that ministry leaders were being put in, and began to put together resource lists of local counselors, substance abuse programs, etc. that the church recommended.

In recent years, it is even becoming more prevalent that pastors are only offering limited counseling. It's a protective measure for their flock that they are taking to ensure safe boundaries for everyone involved. After an initial counseling session, pastors are learning to spot the need for long-term professional counseling earlier. With the rise in professional Christian counselors available, this is a definite option for everyone involved.

When we are leaders of a ministry, we step into the role of shepherd. To be a good shepherd means that we care for our sheep, but we need to do so correctly. A good shepherd knows when to tend to the wounds of the sheep himself, and when to seek the help of someone with greater knowledge. It is his love for his sheep that causes him to seek out someone better equipped.

For the remainder of this segment, I am going to be sharing and quoting directly from the book "Shepherding a Woman's Heart” by Beverly White Hislop.

When we are poor shepherds with the hearts of the women we minister too, we can do damage that is long lasting and devastating. In Ezekiel 34:2, 4, we read:

"Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost.”

When a shepherd isn't present and has more concern for his or her wants, desires, and agenda, the sheep are left unprepared. They are:

• scattered

• plundered, becoming food for wild animals

• victims of famine

• afraid

• objects of scorn

• without hope of rescue

Hislop states that "Women are in pain, wandering over all the mountains and on every hill (Ez34:6). They are scattered on a day of clouds and darkness (Ez 34:12), and no one is looking for them (Ez 34:6). They are victims of famine, afraid, and often ashamed. They have been used, abused, refused. They are thirsty for spiritual life, searching in unsafe places for a drink of water. The contaminated water they find increases their pain and extends their illness. The ones who should be leading them to the Living Waters have abandoned them.”

If women's ministry objectives were parallel to that which the Lord describes in Ezekiel 34:14-16, we would:

• feed the healthy

• strengthen the young and the weak

• heal and bind up the injured

• search and care for the lost

We have a responsibility to shepherd the healthy, wealthy and wise, as well as the poor in health, in finances, and in spirit. We must be intentional in our ministry to reach out to all of the women in our church; it is, then, their choice to accept our offer.

We feed our healthy women's spirits through Bible studies, mentoring, prayer life, and modeling a Christ-like life for them. For the young or weak in spirit, we walk them through those same things with patience, grace, and, possibly, a slower pace. Women seasoned in faith, marriage, child rearing, and careers can serve as models and mentors, advisers and counselors. For the wounded, we can bind their hearts, help them get the health care they need, or lift them up out of circumstances beyond their control. And, we can intentionally seek out the new women who come into our church, the ones sitting alone in the pews, who slide in and out, hoping no one notices them and the ones longing to be seen. When we know our flock, we recognize the women who haven't been around lately, and we seek them out to return them to the fold. We reach out into our community and look for the lost and welcome them into our family.

We do not forget one for another, but we serve them all. We can begin this work in our women's ministries by assessing the spiritual gifts of those women who are on our women's ministry team and all who are in the church. Build a crisis team and connect to the people who need them. We cannot afford to do this haphazardly, we must prepare these women for the tasks ahead of them and the potential scenarios they may encounter. We must teach them how to set boundaries, know the legalities, and provide them with information on how and when to refer a woman for professional help. We must also make sure we are not leaving those women on their own, but checking in with our leaders. We must ask:

• With what are they dealing?

• How are they handling it?

• Do they need support?

• Do they need encouragement?

• Do they need someone to intervene?

• What resources may help the leader (or the women in crisis) better?

The Good Shepherd:

• searches for and rescues sheep

• cares for sheep, leading them to rest

• feeds the sheep in rich pasture lands

• searches for the lost, brings back strays, binds up the injured and strengthens the weak

• gives peace and protects the sheep so they can live and sleep in safety

• blesses the sheep and provides fruit and security

• rescues the sheep from enslavement and protects the sheep from predators

• provides for their needs (health, food, etc)

Women in crisis are hurting. They want to stop the pain, but they don't always know how to do so in the right ways. They may even seek out more damaging methods to stop the pain, even if just temporarily. Crisis is uncertainty. They not only are incapable of stopping the pain on their own, they also have no idea how long it will be until life is whole again. Crisis challenges hope. They are in such mental and physical despair; they may be unable to even comprehend what healing could look like. Crisis clouds vision and perspective. They may also be (at minimum) confused by God or (at maximum) angry at God during this crisis. Crisis is not always a consequence. Crisis is often unexpected.

What is the Crisis?

• Depression, Suicide

• Infertility, Death of a Child

• Terminal Illness (self, family member, close friend)

• Physical Disability, Chronic Illness, Age-Related Disability

• Addiction, Addiction Recovery

• Abortion Recovery

• Eating Disorder, Weight Issues

• Incarceration

• Homelessness, Unemployment, Financial Crisis

• Abuse (Domestic, Sexual, Mental)

• Death of a Parent, Spouse, or Child; Divorce

• Pornography, Sexual Dysfunction, Sexual Sin

• Spiritual Abuse, Spiritual Abandonment

• Faith Struggles, Spiritual Attack

• And we also have PTSD for our women who serve in the military or another civil service, or for women who have had an emotionally or psychologically scarring experience in their life.

Leaders need to have a clear plan of action in dealing with crisis, from a practical standpoint, there are some things to consider:

1) Leaders need to know if this woman wants to grow or change. Not everyone who comes to you in crisis is wanting to grow or change. She may be seeking for you (or the church) to solve her problem for her. Which, without a willingness of growth or change, will become a repetitive process. She may be looking for someone to vent to, a listening ear; or she may be seeking someone to sympathize with and validate her actions as being permissible.

In a situation like this, you can usually discover her intentions by asking a lot of questions to figure out where her head is at on this. Then evaluate her responses: 

Do her answers show that she is listening to you and has a teachable spirit? 

Is she open to accountability?

Does she make a lot of excuses for why your suggestions won't work? 

Is she unwilling to commit to taking action to change? 

Does she follow your suggestions or guidance? Or doesn't she?

Does she seem always to have a reason to delay taking any action? 

When you speak to her, do you feel your words are falling on deaf ears?

If after a first meeting, you are uncertain, it is acceptable to meet with her a second time (and possibly a third). If she is still unwilling to do the work, do not meet again with her until she has accomplished something from the options she was given. You can also give her a Bible passage or appropriate book to read, and upon the completion of the reading, you can meet again. This accountability will expose willingness to change.

2) Leaders must know what they CAN and CAN'T do when shepherding a woman in crisis. Each different situation may have a different list of can and can't points, but establish them nonetheless. You should also share this list with the woman so that she understands upfront what your boundaries in the relationship are. If this is a person you are already friends with or could potentially be friends with, that is great. However, if you are already friends, you do need to evaluate if you are the appropriate person to fulfill this role. If you are not friends, but the potential is there, you need to set that aside while in this process of shepherding her through the crisis. Otherwise, you may be tempted to relax your boundaries and your objectivity can become biased.

Can Do List (example):

1. Be a listener.

2. Designate specific time to be available.

3. Get more help from someone with experience.

4. Pray for her.

5. Suggest professional help.

Can't Do List (example):

1. Change her.

2. Go without regular sleep (i.e., no 2 am phone calls).

3. Do it all alone (she must do the work, you may need help).

4. Cure her hurts or fix her.

5. Erase past pain/choices.

Some specific boundaries might include:

Can't Do: Speak with her if she is under the influence.

Can't Do: Counsel her on fixing her marriage, if she's still engaged in an affair.

Can't Do: Spend more than one hour on the phone with her.

Can't Do: Give her cash directly, although you may provide her with meals, supplies or pay the bill for her (that is up to your discretion or the church).

3) Leaders must recognize that the woman's pain or situation may make them feel uncomfortable. Addressing superficial pain is only a temporary solution to a larger problem, and we must be willing to dig a bit deeper. A woman who has a gambling problem and can't pay her rent is not going to be healed because you paid her rent for her. If you don't deal with the root issue of gambling, she is just going to find herself in the same position next month. She'll expect the bailout, even while giving all the glory to God for the previous one.

It is important to understand this, because if you are incapable of handling that feeling, you may need to refer her to someone else. If she is coming to you because her spouse cheated on her, and he happens to also be your husband's best friend, it's not going to be easy for anyone. If a woman is being physically abused, relieve the immediate pain by getting her out of danger, but also follow up with the appropriate aftercare.

4) Leaders should know their own limits. If you do not have any experience with divorce personally, you may not be the right person to counsel a woman in that process. If you have experienced the death of your spouse, then you might be just the right person to shepherd a newly widowed woman. Some women are "do-ers” and rise to the occasion by throwing together meals for a woman going through cancer treatments or by putting together a crew to care for her house (cleaning, lawn work, etc). Other women are gifted in areas of compassion and can sit with a grieving woman, praying and comforting her.

5) Leaders need a list of referral resources that the church recommends, or that are well respected in the community. This list can include hotlines for abuse, rehab centers, counselors, other local churches that have recovery programs, etc. When a woman calls in crisis, especially if she needs immediate help, you do not want to scramble for that information. It should be readily available. Keep in mind that as we refer women to seek professional help, we can still walk alongside the woman providing spiritual support in the process.

6) Leaders on the team should know, and feel free to share with any woman who calls them when in a crisis, that they do not have all the answers. We are not professionals, we don't know everything, and we can't solve every problem. We can be empathetic, encouraging, supportive, coaching and even pray with her without needing to have all the answers. We are not her Savior, nor her Holy Spirit. We can't save her, and we can't convict her. We are merely guides toward healing and guides toward Christ.

7) Leaders should be aware that every woman they counsel will have a choice. It won't matter how much experience you have, your perspective, or the amount of wisdom or intuition you have. You can offer numerous Bible verses, statistics, phone numbers to programs, and resources to her. If she chooses to reject those offerings, that is her choice. You can't force her to accept it or to change. She is not obligated to you, no matter how much time you have spent counseling her. We can respect that choice and continue to pray for her while we release her from our counsel.

8) Leaders need to keep encouraged by remembering that no matter how the woman in a crisis responds, our presence counts. There are times when a woman doesn't want to hear what we have to say. They just need us to be there, to be present with them in the midst of their crisis, or to be a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on. A woman who is sitting in the waiting room of the emergency ward, she knows your intentions are good, but she doesn't want endless questions about what happened. And she doesn't want to hear your opinion or how things turned out with your brother who had the same emergency. She may not even want you to give her the classic Bible verses or wish to pray with you. She might just want to sit in silence, to hold your hand, and accept the coffee you brought her. Presence can speak in a way words can't always do.

9) Leaders need to put their trust and faith in our mighty God. He is the Redeemer. He is the Great Physician and the Healer. He is the One, who brings life. He is the Provider. He is our Protector. He is the Great Counselor. He is the One, who answers prayer. We trust in Him. We set that example for the women we counsel. We remind ourselves over and over again that He is the one doing the work. Our job is to turn her gaze toward Him.

Final Thoughts:

• Don't be quick to give advice. Most women don't want it. Listen, and ask questions that help the woman move toward the right answer on her own. Questions like: What are you going to do? What are your options? These questions get their brains engaged in the process and put her in charge of making her own decisions.

• Don't make promises you can not keep. Be available when you say you will be, within realistic boundaries. It is common for someone to offer a person in crisis the freedom to "call anytime”, but is that true or wise? Will you really answer at any time? Don't promise what you won't keep.

• Don't try and fix her problem. We can guide her in the right direction, but she needs to do the work herself.

• Don't make assumptions, get your facts. If a woman is expressing that she feels depressed, don't assume she is healthy, and the depression is caused by circumstances in her life. The depression could be caused by physical or hormonal issues. Ask when she last saw her doctor, or suggest that she start there.

• Don't assume you are getting the full story. You may be only getting her perspective, which may be tainted or constructed to get your favor. Ask the Holy Spirit for discernment, and don't make premature judgments.

• Don't carry the emotional weight, this isn't your baggage. Don't allow the woman you are counseling to unload her baggage on you so that you carry it for her.

If we are listening (making eye contact, asking questions to clarify things they say, paying attention to the nonverbal cues, and using discernment), we are letting any woman we counsel know that they are not alone. Someone cares and is listening and interested in what is happening to them. It is important that we empathize with their feelings, even when we are keeping ourselves aware that they are only sharing their own point of view. Right, wrong, or indifferent, what she feels is real. She needs that acknowledged without judgment. Working through those feelings to the root issue happens gently, and often through self-discovery as we ask the right questions.

Leaders play a unique role as a cheerleader to give these women hope that they will be able to move forward from this situation. It may not be soon, but there will be a day they can get beyond it.

"Hurting people desperately want to be heard, understood, and invited to know God in the midst of their confusion.”

As a women's ministry, your leadership team may not be comprised of women who are able to shepherd those in crisis. It may only be a select few on the team, and, if that is the case, you may wish to build a special group for this cause. It might consist of women from the church that are not a part of the leadership team but are interested in serving in this capacity. Build a team of diverse women, who have different experiences with crisis of their own. Look for women who overcame the crisis with grace, dignity, and faith as they will be the best examples to others. Make sure that you have some sort of training for these women (even if you must hire someone) to help them understand their role, how to set boundaries, and what to do in a real crisis. You can even bring in experts from the community who can not only share what the laws are regarding counseling, but also speakers from some of the various resources you have available. They can explain to your team about the recovery program(s) they offer, how they counsel women after abortion, or what services are available for homeless women and how to access them.

You can try to develop this aspect of your women's ministry program on your own, and the book referenced here is a great starting point. In addition to "Shepherding a Woman's Heart”, Beverly Hislop wrote a second book entitled, "Shepherding Women in Pain” that expands on the various crisis scenarios women may face.

However, there are also programs in place that can equip your ministry. One of these organizations, Stephen Ministries, is an excellent resource. Stephen Ministries is a charter ministry, where your church pays an annual fee to be a part of their program. Those that your church would like to equip for counseling take part in a training program that prepares them for this type of role. They learn how to counsel through Scripture, when to forward that person to professional care, as well as setting boundaries, learning to let go, and other practical steps for shepherding those who are in crisis. There is regular support and updated training for your team as well as national resources you can pull from as needed.

In a fallen world, full of fallen people, pain and hurt are very real. Preparation allows us to minister effectively to these women while protecting our hearts, minds, and emotional and spiritual health.