Reading: Sixth Principle - I am sorry

SIXTH PRINCIPLE - "I AM SORRY” 

James 5:16 states: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

Why are apologies important?
Apologizing can make clear that you are concerned about your mate's welfare.
Apologies can help de-escalate conflict.

Examples of Mediocre Apology
- The "hand in the cookie jar”. 
i.e. getting caught and facing the consequences, or for what might have happened, not for what I did.

- The perfunctory sorry.  
i.e. I am sorry because I am supposed to be.

- The blame-shifting sorry.  
i.e. I am sorry, but then immediately blame the other person.

- The beyond my control sorry. 
i.e. I'm sorry I did not come home in time for our dinner date, but you forgot to remind me.

- The end justifies the means sorry.  
i.e. I'm sorry I spent the rest of this week's budget, but I had to buy this tool to fix the cupboard.

- The minimizing apology.  
i.e. Well, maybe I did that, but.....

Genuine Apology Guidelines
- To apologize as soon as you realize there has been offense felt by your spouse. The longer the wait before apology, the longer the conflict is prolonged.

- Don't say sorry if you don't mean it, as apologies have to be real.

- Show genuine interest in why your partner is hurt. 
i.e. Try asking questions about why they feel the way that they do and what would make them feel better.

- Take full responsibility for hurting your partner's feelings and explain what you might want to do differently to avoid doing the same thing in the future.

Sentence examples are as follows:
"I really blew that one."
"Let me try again. "
"Tell me what you hear me saying."
"How can I make things better?"
"Let me start again in a softer way."
"I can see my part in all of this."

Languages of Apology
* Below is a link referencing the "The Languages of Apology” by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas.  I strongly urge all of you to take the apology profile to gain more insight into the way that you receive and understand apology. For those of you who do not take the profile, below I have listed out the five ways of apology. (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/)

EXPRESSING REGRET
This is one of the less demanding apology languages. The apologizer simply has to express that they are sorry for what they have done and imply that they feel guilty or shameful for their actions. This is all centered on feeling empathy for others. This style can be too forgiving to a fault because it does not ensure that they won't continue to hurt again.

GENUINELY REPENTING
This language centers on attempting to modify the behavior that caused the pain.  If this is your apology language, then you hope the person who hurt you will make an honest attempt at changing their behavior. 

ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY
Affirmation of the offender's action that hurt the other person's feelings. For those who have this love language as their priority, they want to hear the person say, "I am wrong.”  This goes beyond just saying, "I am sorry.” Rather it is an "I am sorry.  I know I was wrong for doing.....”  This shows that the person is fully aware of their wrong doing and is able to specifically identify the problem which caused the pain.

REQUESTING FORGIVENESS
If you value someone requesting your forgiveness, then you see it as the offender's way of expressing that they still want you to love them.  Not only does this affirm that they know why they have done you wrong, but it's their way of wanting to express that they want to repair and restore the relationship.

MAKE RESTITUTION
Making restitution requires that you do extra things for the person to make them feel safe and loved. This may have nothing to do with the actual content of what hurt them.  An example would be to receive flowers.  A spouse would feel better with the apology language to have a more tangible expression of restitution.

* Lastly, sometimes people don't apologize because they are too ashamed; however, forgive them anyway.  Yet, sometimes you have to be okay with a sorry you never got. God calls on us to forgive all of those who have done us wrong, whether we have received an apology or not.