Reading: Forgiveness - Session 1 and 2

FORGIVENESS
By Kristine Koetje-Balder

Forgiveness
Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the Prisoner.

BIBLICAL TRUTH:
"Colossians 3: 12-15, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Bear with each other, and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.   Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.  Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful.”

If everyone lived up to Paul's prescription, our marriages would be amazingly harmonious and blessed, and we would never need forgiveness.

SIMPLE TRUTH:
Spouses do things they should not do and neglect to do things they should do. In marriage, normal problems occur because a couple never communicates perfectly, resolves all disagreements harmoniously or achieves ideal emotional closeness. Marital relationships would be healthier if Christian spouses understood that the forgiveness of sins is a rich blessing and a true gift that they can give to each other.

SERIOUS HURTS:
The most damaging wounds that marriages often suffer come within the context of what is supposed to be the safest place for one's heart, next to our relationship with God, and that is with our spouse. This is the tragic irony of being hurt by and of hurting those who are loved most deeply.

Chain Analogy

CHAIN ANALOGY:
Offenses against us cause us hurt. We become bound to the offender by the bitterness we harbor in our heart. That bitterness actually sustains the hurt we feel. Mere separation cannot break this bondage - only forgiveness can. The one who was offended then gives the offense, the hurt, the bitterness and the offender to God and His perfect will for that person. The chain will then be released.

DAILY MAINTENANCE:
Rather than being viewed as a one-time occurrence, apologizing and forgiving continues throughout the life of a relationship for repairing damage that could lead to permanent destruction. The litmus test for a healthy marriage is based on the capability and manifestation of repentance, apologies, and forgiveness on a regular basis.

PROMPT RESOLUTION:
When wrongs or sins are not healed by prompt apologies and forgiveness, a couple may drift apart, experience relationship deterioration, and perhaps be in the danger of dissolution.

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is a MUST in healthy long term marriages. It is a process and not an event. It's an attitude of wanting to partner with your spouse in spite of his or her imperfections and irritations.
Marriage becomes a series of surprises for most of us, and one of them is how frequently we need to forgive and be forgiven.  (From the book, "The First Years of Forever” by Dr. Ed Wheat)

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." - Ruth Bell Graham.

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS
I have learned that the best way to live is to decide in advance to be a person who forgives.   This became a MUST because not forgiving destroys you and forgiveness sets you free.
Forgiveness is not condoning, which is to simply overlook the wrong as if no harm was intended or done. It would be highly inappropriate to condone a spouse's sinful behavior. To condone wrongs or "give in” lowers self esteem and undermines your integrity.

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is not "giving in” to your spouse who committed a harmful act, as if the wrong did not hurt you. To just give in and say this is true forgiveness would be a MYTH. A forgiving spouse waits for genuine repentance and an apology.  What if repentance and apology are not forthcoming?

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS

"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got. - searchquotes.com

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS
We must forgive whether or not our offender asks for our forgiveness. The question is, "If someone has offended me, shouldn't I wait until he/she asks my forgiveness before I forgive him/her? This may never happen because often a spouse will view an offense differently. The testimony of Jesus on the cross will answer this question.  While on the cross Jesus prayed, "Father, forgive them for they don't know what they're doing” Luke 23:24.  We are to forgive because we have been forgiven; it's a matter of stewardship. It is about our attitude, not their action.

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS
If you feel you can't forgive, ask God to penetrate your unforgiveness with His love.  There are certain things that cannot be accomplished by human strength, but only by the power of God.  The Holy Spirit will enable us to forgive even the unforgivable (Stormie Omartian, "Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage).
Forgiveness is returning to God the right to take care of justice.  By refusing to transfer the right to exact punishment or revenge, we are telling God we don't trust him to take care of matters.

The CIRCULAR FORTRESS

The CIRCULAR FORTRESS
Imagine a ten-foot wall of solid bricks enclosing you in an impenetrable fortress.  The one thick door is bolted and there are no other doors. This is what unforgiveness looks like in a marriage. After a few minutes you feel around in your pockets and discover that you actually have the key to unlock the one thick and bolted door. The key in your marriage to break free from this impenetrable fortress is forgiveness.

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is one way to break the cycle of blame in your marital relationship. Forgiveness counteracts the power struggle that often occurs even in a healthy relationship. As forgiveness breaks the cycle of blame, it provides a fresh start for the relationship.

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is a choice, a decision of the will.  This is by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Forgiveness really has very little to do with our feelings, feelings can peak or plunge within a five minute interval.  When we make a choice to forgive, we may still feel angry or resentful.   Some of the wounds that have been created to cause the need for forgiveness could go very deep and only the presence of the Holy Spirit will allow that wound to forgive.

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS
It is easier to begin working towards forgiveness before the sting has begun to swell.  When bitterness sets in, it slowly sets and will be like a permanent plaster cast, perhaps protecting the wearer from the further pain but ultimately holding the sufferer rigid in frozen animation.  Feelings and responses have turned to concrete.  Bitterness is paralysis.  (David Augsburger, "The Freedom of Forgiveness”)

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS
Forgive and forget is a MYTH. You may never forget but you can still choose to forgive. It's normal for memories to be triggered in the future.  When thoughts of past hurts occur, it's what we do with them that counts. As life goes on and you remember, then is the time to once again remember that you've already forgiven.  Mentally forgive again if necessary, and then move forward. Thank God for this reminder of how important forgiveness is.  When we allow it, time can dull the vividness of the memory of the hurt, and the memory will fade. (Larry James, from Celebratelove.com)

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS
Let's be clear. Forgiveness is not a case of holy amnesia that erases the past. You may recall the hurt, but you will not relive it. No constant reviewing, no rehashing of the old hurt, no going back to sit on the old gravestones where past grievances lie buried. True, the hornet of the memory may fly again, but forgiveness has drawn its sting. The curse is gone.  (David Augsburger, The Freedom of Forgiveness)

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS
Only if you have no need for forgiveness yourself do you dare consider hesitating to forgive another. "If you forgive other people their failures, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you will not forgive ----neither will your Heavenly Father forgive you your failures”.  Matthew 6:14-15. Withholding forgiveness is a refusal to let go of perceived power.  We can feel powerful when the offender is in need of forgiveness and only we can give it. We may fear going back to being powerless if we forgive. 

THE MYTHS VERSUS THE MUSTS WITH FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness isn't an option in Godly marriage, it is a MUST. Forgiveness puts the pieces back in place when they've been broken apart or blown to bits. It is the very cement that glues the heart back together. Forgiveness exercises God's strength to love and receive the other person without any assurance of complete restitution and making amends. Forgiveness is a relationship between equals who recognize their deep need of each other, share and share alike. Each needs the other's forgiveness. Each needs the other's acceptance. So, before God, each drops all charges, refuses all self-justification and forgives.  Seventy times seven. (David Augsburger, Cherishable: Love and Marriage)