Reading: Forgiveness - Session 3 Part 2

Forgiveness Session 3
By Kristine Koetje-Balder

TRUTH OF GOD'S WORD:
Ephesians: 4-31-32  "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” 

Hebrews: 12:14-15, "Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.  See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.

TRUTH OF GOD'S WORD:
Mark 11:25, "Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.”

Matthew 5:44-45, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven.

BLUEPRINT FOR STEPS ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS:
STEP ONE:  REGRET -This is the first step and often a person will say, "I wish I had not committed that wrong,” but there is an absence of longing to change the behavior.  Regret is most often a negative emotion, where one, having done a wrong deed or being involved in a wrong act, drowns self in negative contemplation. The person continuously thinks about the mistakes over and over again, which eventually creates feelings of anger, hatred, and depression. Instead of learning from the mistakes, the person often will repeat again.

BLUEPRINT FOR STEPS ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS:
STEP TWO: Repentance - This is handled in a positive way. Here the person, after having behaved wrongly, realizes they have done a mistake.  With that realization, the person seeks forgiveness for his mistakes and event takes a stand that their mistakes will not happen again.  The persons tries to understand their wrong doing and finds a way in which the situation could have been handled in a better way and starts working to incorporate this knowledge in their life. 

BLUEPRINT FOR STEPS ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS:
STEP TWO: Repentance cont'd - Repentance is Godly sorrow with a feeling of sadness in having offended God and your spouse.  Repentance is often defined as: a change of mind; a change of ways; a change of behavioral direction; or finally, turning one's back on sinful deeds and with God's help attempting not to sin again.

Repentance involves three elements:  1) recognition of wrongful behaviors  2) sorrow over wrongful behaviors  3) Abandonment of wrongful behaviors. Originating in the heart, repentance initiates the first step in the process of apologizing and forgiving.

BLUEPRINT FOR STEPS ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS:
STEP THREE:  Apologizing - Apologizing follows repentance, and is a verbal or written acknowledgement of the hurt or sin to your spouse.  There are two sides to apologizing: the one side is an expression of wrongful behaviors, while the other is a willingness to do whatever it takes to reorient one's Christian life and be a Godly spouse.  

Apologizing comes when you, as the spouse who has sinned, know that you will need to demonstrate sincere repentance and then help your mate bear the burden of hurt that they have been carrying. Consider writing a letter to your spouse, beginning with a sincere apology and ending with a list of blessings that you find in them. This can be read to your spouse as well and this will help with the focus and the intent to communicate most effectively to your spouse.

BLUEPRINT FOR STEPS ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS:
STEP THREE:  Apologizing cont'd - An apology must never be an underhanded way of avoiding sincere repentance.  An unhealthy apology may also be manipulative to justify actions or it may be a shifting of blame to the spouse. Thus, a sincere apology will never have the word "but” after the words "I am sorry for......”

Apologizing requires a great deal of character: strength, courage, honesty, and humility.  A complete apology will include a seeking of forgiveness to heal the relationship, with a request like, "Will you please forgive me?” 

BLUEPRINT FOR STEPS ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS:
STEP FOUR: Forgiveness - Forgiveness can be defined as canceling a debt, setting free, understanding, releasing negative emotions, letting go, ceasing resentment, and abandoning one's claim against a person who has done wrong. True forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do.
 
Forgiveness is more likely if a person possesses a forgiving spirit, since forgiveness is an act of charity.  Forgivers are often described as generous, emotionally stable, flexible, adaptable, and other-centered.  As a forgiver, you view others as worthwhile, as loved by the Lord Jesus.

BLUEPRINT FOR STEPS ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS:
STEP FOUR: Forgiveness cont'd - Forgiveness is an act of kindness. For the sake of the Lord Jesus Christ, God gives you the gift of forgiveness. No one deserves God's forgiveness. Likewise, give the gift of forgiveness to your spouse, who is just like you, and doesn't deserve your gift of forgiveness.
 
Forgiveness is important not only for your marital relationship, but also for your intrapersonal well-being.  To forgive is vital for intrapersonal health because you release the inner resentment and bitterness that can destroy you.  When you forgive your spouse, Almighty God heals you spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

BLUEPRINT FOR STEPS ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS:
STEP FOUR: Forgiveness cont'd - Forgiveness works a special kind of restoration, diminishing negative thinking and altering your attitude in a positive direction. Forgiveness allows you to fill your mind with positive thoughts and to develop a good attitude (Philippians 4:8-9).  You rid yourself of a negative spirit when you forgive your spouse, freeing yourself to demonstrate Christ-like words and actions in caring for your spouse in the future.

BLUEPRINT FOR STEPS ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS:
STEP FIVE - Reconciliation - Generally, forgiveness is necessary, but reconciliation is optional. For example, an abused spouse may offer forgiveness to their repentant partner, but may not reconcile until confident the destructive behavior will not happen again.  There is a difference between forgiveness and trust.  (Apologizing and Forgiving: The 'Heart' of a Christian Marriage:  Randall A. Schroeder, Ph.D.)

BLUEPRINT FOR STEPS ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS:
STEP FIVE: Reconciliation cont'd - Reconciliation is often conditioned on the attitude and actions of the offender.  When its aim is restoration of a broken relationship, those who commit significant and repeated offenses must be willing to recognize that reconciliation is a process. If they are genuinely repentant, they will recognize and accept that the harm they have caused takes time to heal.

Even when God forgives our sins, He does not promise to remove all consequences created by our actions.  When someone has been significantly hurt and feels hesitant about restoration with the offender, it's both right and wise to look for changes in the offender before allowing reconciliation to begin.

SEVEN SIGNS OF GENUINE REPENTANCE:
Accepts full responsibility for actions.  (Instead of: "Since you think I've done something wrong...” or, "If I have done anything to offend you....”)
Welcomes accountability from others.
Does not continue in the hurtful behavior or anything associated with it.
Does not have a defensive attitude about being in the wrong.

SEVEN SIGNS OF GENUINE REPENTANCE:
Does not dismiss or downplay the hurtful behavior.
Does not resent doubts about their sincerity or the need to demonstrate sincerity - especially in cases involving repeated offenses.
Makes restitution when necessary.   (The Gospel Coalition/Christian Living/Steve Cornell)

PERSONAL PRAYERS FOR THE JOURNEY OF FORGIVENESS
Dear God, I've been hurt by ______________.  God, I know you have forgiven ____________, so now I forgive _______________ too.  I pray for you to mightily bless______________ and make __________ prosper.  Lord, I lift my hurt to You and ask You to receive it. Help me never to take it back again. Amen.  (The Marriage Repair Kit: Dr. Bob Moorehead)

A PRAYER OF FORGIVENESS:
Dear Lord, you have told me that forgiveness is not an option. You simply said I have to choose; yet, I can't even do that! Do for me what I cannot do for myself. By myself, I cannot forgive. But, for Your sake, Jesus, as an act of my will, I give You any right I've felt was mine to throw people, even myself, into a debtor's prison.  Lord, I release_______: I forgive them for___________, Jesus. As you are my witness, they owe me nothing. I give You the right to hold them accountable for their actions. Lord, dismantle the prison I've built for others. Thank you, Jesus, for accomplishing forgiveness for me.

A PRAYER OF FORGIVENESS:
Lord, take the keys to the prison of unforgiveness I've built for myself.  Release me from trying to make up for ______________, from the prison of trying to be worthy. You alone are my worth; I give You my feelings of unworthiness.  Help me to forgive myself for what I did/did not do.  Release me to receive the forgiveness You want to give.  I give You the right to hold me accountable for my actions or lack thereof.  You know what to require of me and of others, and when to give mercy.

A PRAYER OF FORGIVENESS:
I often want those who hurt me to hurt like I do.  I want them to know the enormity of what they have done to me, and I want them to be sorry--but that is vengeance, and that is Your territory.  Forgive me for trying to take Your place. Forgive me for my desire for vengeance. Thank You that I do not have to pretend it is all right, or that it does not hurt or matter. Thank you for listening to my expressions of pain. My hurt, and my sin, matter to You so much that You provided forgiveness for my healing.

A PRAYER OF FORGIVENESS:
Lord, wash my mind, spirit and emotions of the acid of pain, resentment and anger, and clothe me in your righteousness. I know my emotions will heal in time. In time I will be able to forgive emotionally as well---I will be able to feel the emotion of being forgiven and of extending forgiveness. Until then, Lord keep mending my wounded spirit and bruised emotions. Thank you for taking care of the legal aspects of forgiveness; for restoring relationship with others, You, and the Father. AMEN
Elijah House, Incorporated, Post Falls, Idaho.