Reading: Suggest what you prefer, but leave the decision up to them

STEP TWO: Influence - Use it!

Philemon 13-14 I considered keeping him with me so that he might serve me in your place during my time in prison because of the gospel. However, I didn't want to do anything without your consent so that your act of kindness would occur willingly and not under pressure.

5. Suggest what you prefer but leave the decision up to them.

Letting people decide for themselves is one of the greatest people smart skills that you can learn. It is also the hardest to do.

You tell your teenage son that you would like him home before 11 pm. That is your preference. But you want to teach him responsibility, so you give him two options with consequences. Home before 11 pm means he is free to do as he wants on Saturday morning. Home after 11 pm means four hours of work.

He comes back at 11:30 pm. You meet him in the driveway. You get angry at him and read him the riot act for 15 minutes. You finish off sarcastically, "I hope you enjoy working because that is what you will be doing all day Saturday.”

You walk away frustrated, angry, and feeling like a lousy parent. Your son walks away frustrated, angry, and feeling like you are a lousy parent.

What went wrong?

You gave him a choice. You would have preferred that he chose wisely and came home before 11 pm. But you gave him a choice, and your son made his choice. Honor it. Instead of unloading your frustration with his wrong choice for 15 minutes in the driveway, just acknowledge his choice.

"Son, I see you choose to work in the yard for four hours on Saturday. Great, I could use the help.” Then walk away. Walk away with confidence that you made the right choice in letting your son experience the consequences of his decisions.

And your son? He will most likely walk away wondering if he made the right choice.

The issue here is control. To give someone a real opportunity to make a decision is to give up control.

But that is the real world. We don't control people. Even if you were to tell someone what to do, the person you are telling could choose to ignore you. Or worse choose to disobey.

And since you cannot control them, do likePaul, let your desires be known and then, if possible, leave the decision up to them.

Examples ...

Spouse: "Honey, I would like to go to Europe on vacation, but I am going to let you decide.”

Coworker: "From my experience it works better this way. But it is really up to you.”

Friends: "I wouldn't mind going out for Chinese food, but why don't you decide.”

Pastor: "If it were my marriage, I would at least go to counseling before breaking up. But it is up to you.”

Parent: "If I were you, I would get up on time so you can catch the bus rather than have to walk all the way to school. But it is up to you.”

After reading these examples see if you can come up with examples of your own.

What would happen if you started giving up control over the people in your life? Would people take advantage and trample over your wants and desires? Sometimes. But more often than not, when you let the other guy make the decision, he will respond in gratitude for the confidence and trust that you have placed in him. And in gratitude, he will then be inclined to do what you prefer or, at least, give your suggestion serious consideration. In short, they will seek ways to please you. They will treat you as you have treated them.

Try it out this week. In your home or at work. Find a situation where you want to offer advice or tell someone what to do. Instead, communicate what you prefer, but tell them that you trust them to make the right decision. It may be a bit scary to do this. You are giving up some of your control, but in the long run, you are helping those you are trying to lead take more ownership of their decisions.

Questions:

Philemon 1:13-14I considered keeping him with me so that he might serve me in your place during my time in prison because of the gospel. However, I didn't want to do anything without your consent so that your act of kindness would occur willingly and not under pressure.

If you are in a position of power (at work, at home, in a group), you can demand that people do things your way. Where in your life has this strategy not worked that well?

Paul makes it clear what he wants, but he totally leaves the decision up to Philemon. How often do you do this with your kids? The people at work? Your spouse? Your friends?

Matthew 26:36Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane... Then he went a short distance farther and fell on his face and prayed, "My Father, if it's possible, take this cup of suffering away from me. However--not what I want but what you want.”

With whom do you need to communicate openly and honestly how you feel about some issue, ultimately leaving its resolution in their hands?