Reading: Anger Management part 1 (Slides)

Anger: Presentation 1

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ANGER FOR INTRODUCTION PURPOSES:

In marriage, anger rivals lust as a killer. It can destroy any kind of camaraderie or friendship within the relationship. On the wedding day, there is such a sense of happiness and completeness that any emotion connected to anger is a distant thought. However, every one of us will get angry with our spouse at some point in our marriage. It will not be possible to live together day in and day out without finding things you disagree about - things that make you really angry with each other. 

Anger

Anger - Introduction

In fact, the people to whom we give the most time and energy, in whom we invest the greatest amount of love and other emotions, are the ones we have the highest expectations of and are the ones with the greatest potential to trigger painful emotions such as fear, hurt, frustration, and eventually anger.  Anger is not necessarily a sign of relational immaturity or instability.  In fact, anger is an inherent component of all human relationships.  The more dependent on someone and vulnerable you feel, the more likely they'll be the object of your anger as well as your affection. 

Anger - Introduction

Research tells us that happily married couples disagree and argue almost as much as unhappily married couples. The difference is whether they express their anger in healthy or unhealthy ways.   The healthy expression of anger can help us clarify, understand, and appreciate our differences. When we deny our anger and do not work through anger we are running from the very process that God can use to heal our hurts and knit our hearts more tightly together in love.  (Oliver & Oliver, 2007). 

Anger - Introduction

Also, is there a difference between our anger and God's anger? Most definitely. Our anger expresses three things: 1) It identifies something in our world that matters to us 2) It proclaims that we believe that something is wrong. 3) It gives the energy to do something about it. This could be as minor as being served a cup of cold coffee or as major as your spouse running off with your best friend.  

God's anger is always holy and pure because what He says is wrong is wrong, and what He says matters does matter. God is highly displeased when people are harmed and hurt by others. Romans 13:10 tells us, "Love does no wrong to a neighbor” while Romans 12:17 says, "Repay no one evil for evil.” Two wrongs never make a right, and our anger simply doubles the wrong. But God's anger makes right what is wrong.  (Romans 12:19)  

Anger - Introduction

One difference between our anger and God's anger is that, since we are not always holy and pure, we often get angry at things that are not true wrongs --- or at things that don't really matter to anyone but us. If you throw a temper tantrum when you are served cold food in a restaurant or curse when you are stuck in traffic, you should recognize that these are not things that really matter in God's world. 

IMAGO 

There is a concept at the core of this need to heal in our relationships and it is called "imago.”  This is a term that describes a therapy method called (IRT) or Imago Relationship Therapy, which was created by Dr. Harville Hendrix, author of the best-selling book "Getting the Love you Want: A Guide for Couples (1988)”.  The term Imago is Latin for "image” and refers to the "unconscious image of familiar love.”  Simply put, there is often a connection between frustrations experienced in adult relationships and early childhood experiences. For example:  If you frequently felt criticized as a child, you will likely be sensitive to any criticism from and feel criticized often by your partner. Likewise, if you felt abandoned, smothered, neglected, etc., these feelings will come up in your marriage/committed relationships.   

IMAGO

Anger that would continue to surface in a marriage relationship would be a strong suspicion for "Imago” and there are wounds to be healed.  Marriage can be a catalyst for this healing and we can learn so much more about ourselves in relationship rather than in singleness. 

The long term success of a relationship and the depth of intimacy a couple will experience depend on their willingness to find healthy ways of expressing and dealing with each other's emotions, and that includes the emotion of anger.  

CHARACTERISTICS OF ANGER:

ANGER IS A GOD-GIVEN EMOTION: One of the core aspects of being a person is that we are created in God's image. Part of what it means to be made in God's image is that we, like God, have a variety of emotions. One of these emotions is anger. From Genesis 4:5 through Revelation 19:15, the Bible has a lot to say about anger.  In fact, in the Old Testament alone, anger is mentioned approximately 455 times with 375 passages referring to God's anger.

CHARACTERISTICS OF ANGER:

ANGER IS ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL EMOTIONS:  Anger is the most energizing of our emotions. Worry, depression, fear, and grief drain us of energy. But when we experience the emotion of anger, adrenaline and noradrenaline are pumped into our central and peripheral nervous systems and our bodies go on alert.  The emotion of anger can provide tremendous energy to deal with problems and change things for good. But when we allow it to control us, it can lead to destructive actions such as emotional, verbal, or even physical abuse and violence.

CHARACTERISTICS OF ANGER:

ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION: Anger is usually the first emotion we see, and at that moment it's probably the only emotion that we are aware of. However, it is never the only emotion that we have experienced. Just below the surface, out of our conscious awareness, there are almost always other, deeper emotions that need to be identified and acknowledged.  Hidden deep underneath that secondary emotion of anger is usually some primary emotions such as fear, hurt, frustration, or sadness. (Example Genesis 37 - Joseph and his brothers)

ANGER STYLES 

In the book, "Letting Go of Anger: The 11 most common anger styles and what to do about them,” Ronald and Patrica Efron distinguish between an anger problem and an anger style. Examples of anger problems are liking the anger and how it makes you feel, stuffing and not knowing how to express, or exploding in rage. An anger style is a particular way you handle your anger. The styles that we prefer are usually the ones we were taught as children. Basically, each of us has learned that it is better to handle our anger in certain ways than others. Examples of styles would be passive-aggressive, avoidance, and explosive. The authors speak about 8 more beyond these styles and it is very fascinating. 

ANGER STYLES

EXPLOSIVE AND IMPLOSIVE ANGER: 

ANGER STYLES

EXPLOSIVE angry behavior is never constructive.  It not only hurts the person at whom it is directed, it destroys the self-esteem of the person who is out of control. No one can feel good about themselves when they think about what they have done. In the heat of such angry explosions, people say and do things they later regret.  Undisciplined anger that expresses itself in verbal and physical explosions will ultimately destroy relationships. The person on the receiving end loses respect for the person who is out of control and will eventually just avoid them. 

ANGER STYLES

IMPLOSIVE:  This type of anger could look like "silent treatment” and is withdrawal and avoidance. This could last for days or for years. The suppression of anger, holding anger inside, will eventually lead to physiological and psychological stress. This could include migraines, hypertension, colitis, and heart disease. Another characteristic of implosive anger is brooding. In the person's mind, the initial scene of wrongdoing is played over and over again. This leads to resentment and bitterness. This implosion can lead to depression or an emotional breakdown. Also, for a growing number of people who have internalized the anger, the end result will not be an implosion but rather an explosion. In their desperate emotional state, they will commit some act of violence against the person who wronged them. 

ANGER DANGER

ANGER DANGER

UNHEALTHY ANGER CAN BE HARMFUL TO OTHERS: When people don't understand, listen to, and learn from their anger, it can become more intense and turn into rage. At this point they are faced with a much more dangerous problem. The energy of rage is much more powerful and much more difficult to direct than the energy of anger. If anger is ten thousand volts of energy, rage is one hundred thousand volts.  When rage is not dealt with, it can easily turn into aggression and then to violence. 

ANGER DANGER

UNHEALTHY ANGER CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH: Occasional anger that is expressed in healthy ways is not harmful. In fact, learning how to express anger in healthy ways can strengthen our health and increase our effectiveness. However, when anger is over-expressed (Explosive) or under-expressed (Implosive) for long periods of time, it keeps our body in a constant state of emergency. Chronic or sustained anger (unhealthy anger) increases blood pressure and blood sugar levels, depresses the immune system, and damages arteries and the heart, contributing to heart disease.

HEALTHY ANGER

HEALTHY ANGER HAS TREMENDOUS POTENTIAL FOR GOOD: We need to continually remind ourselves that anger is energy and energy is neutral. While we have minimal control over the fact that we experience anger, we can have total control over how we choose to express that anger.    Let's look at four examples of the good that comes from anger:  

Anger is a signal. The anger will serve as an alarm or warning sign that we need to take a look at some aspect of our lives or relationships.

Anger is a powerful source of motivation.  

Anger provides the power to protect those we love.

Healthy anger can lead us to more intimate relationships.