Marriage Ministry: Reading: Anger Management part 3 (Slides)

Anger: Presentation 3

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

ANGER INVENTORY

Please check the following statements that apply to you. Please note that everyone will recognize some of these characteristics as everyone will have some aspects of anger.

The following inventory has been taken from the Anger Workbook and formulated by Les Carter, Ph.D. and Frank Minirth, M.D.

___ Impatience comes over me more frequently than I would like.

___ I nurture critical thoughts quite easily.

___ When I am displeased with someone I may shut down any communication or withdraw.

___ I feel inwardly annoyed when family and friends do not comprehend my needs.

___ Tension mounts within me as I tackle a demanding task.

___ I feel frustrated when I see someone else having fewer struggles than I do.

ANGER INVENTORY

___ When facing an important event, I may obsessively ponder how I must manage it.

___ Sometimes I walk in another direction to avoid seeing someone I do not like.

___ When discussing a controversial topic, my tone of voice is likely to become persuasive.

___ I can accept a person who admits his or her mistakes, but I have a hard time accepting someone who refuses to admit his or her own weaknesses.

___ When I talk about my irritations I don't really want to hear an opposite point of view.

___ I do not easily forget when someone does me wrong.

ANGER INVENTORY

___ When someone confronts me from a misinformed position, I am thinking of my rebuttal as he or she speaks.

___ Sometimes my discouragement makes me want to quit.

___ I can be quite aggressive in my business pursuits or even when playing a game just for fun.

___ I struggle emotionally with the things in life that are not fair.

___ Although I know it may not be right, I sometimes blame others for my problems.

___ When someone openly speaks ill of me, my natural response is to think of how I can defend myself.

ANGER INVENTORY

___ Sometimes I speak slanderously about a person, not really caring how it may harm his or her reputation.

___ I may act kindly on the outside while feeling frustrated on the inside.

___ Sarcasm is a trait I use in expressing humor.

___ When someone is clearly annoyed with me I too easily jump into the conflict.

___ At times I struggle with moods of depression or discouragement.

___ I have been known to take an "I don't care” attitude toward the needs of others.

___ When I am in an authority role, I may speak too sternly or insensitively.

ANGER INVENTORY

Now go back through the inventory and count the number of statements you checked. Everyone will recognize some of these characteristics, so don't worry about marking them. If you checked ten items, your anger is probably more constant than you might like. If you checked fifteen or more, you can probably recount many disappointments and irritations. This indicates that you are vulnerable to the extreme ill effects of anger: rage and explosions or to guilt, bitterness, and resentment. But don't give up! Anger can be managed if you apply some of the principles that we are speaking about. If you are interested in gaining a broader perspective of yourself, ask a close friend or family member to complete the inventory, answering the questions as he or she experiences relationship with you.

DEALING WITH ANGER TOWARDS YOUR SPOUSE

Here are six steps for dealing with anger you feel towards your spouse. Most of these six steps should be in place before the anger comes, that way, when it appears, an agreed-upon plan can help calm and direct the discussion.

STEP ONE - Acknowledge the reality of anger. Whether your anger is legitimate definitive anger or distorted anger, do not condemn yourself for experiencing anger. Recognize and admit it, remembering that the anger itself is not sinful.

DEALING WITH ANGER TOWARDS YOUR SPOUSE

STEP TWO - Agree to acknowledge your anger to each other. Express clearly your feeling of anger when it arises; do not make your spouse guess based on your behavior. Both you and your spouse deserve to know when the other is angry and what he or she is angry about.

STEP THREE - Agree that verbal or physical explosions against the other person are not appropriate responses to anger. Either kind of explosion will always make things worse.

DEALING WITH ANGER TOWARDS YOUR SPOUSE

STEP FOUR - Agree to seek an explanation before passing judgment. Remember that your first impression is only tentative; at times it will be faulty. It is easy to misinterpret the words and actions of one's spouse, so seek your mate's perspective. He or she may supply valuable missing information that could change your understanding of the issue.

DEALING WITH ANGER TOWARDS YOUR SPOUSE

STEP FIVE - Agree to seek a resolution. With more information from your spouse and the fuller perspective, you are ready to find a solution satisfactory to both of you. Resolving the angry feelings may require that you seek the person's confession and repentance - if the wrong doing is valid and definitive - or recognize your anger as invalid and perhaps selfish - if the anger is distorted. It may even require confession and asking of forgiveness on your part, if the wrongdoing is by you. Whatever the cause, work toward reconciliation between the two of you.

STEP SIX - Agree to affirm your love for each other. After the anger is resolved, verbally declare your love for each other. (Chapman).

MALE AND FEMALE DIFFERENCES FOR DIFFUSING ANGER AND INFUSING PEACE