Reading: Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage part 1 (Slides)

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

British psychologist John Bowlby was the first attachment theorist, describing attachment as a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

He believed that the child forms a model of how the physical world may be expected to behave, how his mother and other significant persons may be expected to behave, how he himself may be expected to behave, and how each interacts with all the others. Within the framework... he evaluates special aspects of his situation and makes his attachment plans.  (Gill)

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

A child is developing his/her maps for how to do relationships within the same period of time that he/she acquires language.  This map is so basic to the child's understanding of relationships and life that it may feel automatic or instinctive.  This map, whether secure, ambivalent, protesting, or detached avoiding, was what the child had to do in order to cope with the conditions the child faced with the parents.  The model was formed through lots of trial and error experiences. Here are a couple of examples:

Okay, that one didn't work....let's try another way of getting attention. 

Hooray! The new strategy was successful! I think I'll stick with that one for a while.

Oops, that didn't go well, I better try something else that does not make Mom so angry. I'm really in trouble if Mom gets angry and ditches me!

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Through the rewards and pain of these attempts, a child develops his characteristic ways of approaching closeness in relationships.  These models actually become the lens through which the child sees relationships, and it includes all of his strategies for trying to build secure attachment within those relationships.  These experiences guide the child's feelings, thoughts and expectations in later relationships.  (Gill)

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Let's look a little further into the history of attachment issues. In her 1970's research, psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded greatly upon Bowlby's original work. Her groundbreaking "Strange Situation” study revealed the profound effects of attachment on behavior.

In the study, researchers observed children between the ages of 12 and 18 months as they responded to a situation in which they were briefly left alone and then reunited with their mothers.

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Most children displayed a pattern of attachment that Ainsworth and colleagues labeled "secure.”  When the mothers were present, these children displayed a balance between exploring the laboratory playroom and seeking proximity with their mothers. During separations, secure children displayed some distress as indicated, for example, by crying. When reunited, these children greeted their mothers warmly, often with hugs, and were easily soothed by them.

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Children classified as "insecure-ambivalent” displayed few exploratory behaviors when their mothers were present, often clinging to them.  These children were usually very upset during separations. When reunited, they displayed angry and resistant or ambivalent behaviors toward their mothers. For example, they would cry and raise their arms to be picked up and then push their mothers away while continuing to cry.  Children with ambivalent patterns tend to have mothers who are inconsistent in their parenting behaviors; for example, they may be sensitive and responsive some of the time but not always, which makes it difficult for children to predict behavior.  

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Children classified as "insecure-avoidant” explored the playroom when their mothers were present. Unlike other children, however, these children paid little attention to their mothers. In addition, these children were usually not upset during separations and snubbed or avoided their mothers during reunions. Children with avoidant patterns tend to have mothers who are either rejecting or intrusive and overstimulating.

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Children classified as "insecure-disorganized” were characterized by extreme distress over separations and disorganized, disoriented, and confused behaviors during reunions. Specifically, these children displayed frozen postures, repetitive movements, and dazed facial expressions when reunited with their mothers. Children with disorganized patterns tend to have mothers who have experienced loss, trauma, or mental illness.  (http://social.jrank.org/pages/47/Attachment-Mary-Dinsmore-Salter-Ainsworth-Strange-Situation.)

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Life experiences activate the brain at the structural and chemical level. The brain is responding to these attachment experiences with excitement, confusion, peace, or anxiety.   These early attachment experiences actually help to determine which parts of the child's brain become utilized and strengthened, and which parts will be underdeveloped.

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

If the child learned that attachment relationships are secure, then the child's brain will release peaceful and mellowing agents into her brain when she gets close to others. The child who was abused when he got close to a parent will have a brain flooded with fear and hyper-vigilance brain chemicals during times when he tries to get close to others. As a result, it may be very physically overwhelming for the abused child to get close to others. (Gill)

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

If we come into the world learning to attach to others and to trust them, we begin to develop emotionally, physically, and psychologically. We proceed along certain prescribed plans outlined by our Creator. If, however, we do not learn to attach to others, then our growth is stunted, and we may experience problems like Terry's. Let me share his story. Terry had never read a book on "object constancy” but he knew in his soul what he was lacking.  (Cloud)

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Walsh (2010) explains object relations theory focuses on the concept that the internalized images and attitudes we have regarding others determine our relationship with self and influences our approach when forming relationships. The theory focuses on interpersonal relationships, specifically within early childhood with an emphasis on the mother-child relationship. The framework for the theory draws on the concept of attachment theory and the effects of early nurturing. Individuals with poor object relations will often have frequent relationship conflicts due to the maladaptive defense mechanisms they have developed.

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Walsh (2010) describes the concept of splitting to be the most frequent defense mechanism demonstrated in people with poor object relations. Individuals utilizing this defense see others as either "good” or "bad.” Typically, others are good when they fulfill a need for the individual, but others who disappoint, frustrate, or anger the individual are considered "bad.” This defense mechanism will usually carry over into the clinical setting as the individual may alternate between perceiving therapist/pastor as either "good” or "bad.”  (Walsh, 2010)  

(http://www.sonoma.edu/users/d/daniels/objectrelations.html)

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

We inherit distorted thinking from the system of relational rules operating in the family in which we were raised. The family was set up by God to be a spiritual system, to impart to children the spiritual laws of the universe. The family is where we were supposed to learn God's ways of loving attachment, freedom of choice, forgiveness, and growing in skills and talents. However, we do not live in perfect families, and many families' rules are much different than God's.  

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Here is an example of one such list:

Thou shalt not let anyone get emotionally close to you. Keep your distance.

Thou shalt not tell the truth about how you are feeling. If you are hurt, keep it a secret.

Thou shalt always lie, if it will keep the peace.

Thou shalt try and look good on the outside. It is more important anyway.

Thou shalt achieve highly and bring honor to the family name.

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Thou shalt never leave and cleave, for that would make the rest of the family very sad.

Thou shalt not talk about any family matter outside the home, and any hurt that you sustain here.  Breaking loyalty is an abomination.

Children are to interfere in the parents' conflicts.  They are to take the focus off the struggles the parents are having. This is a loving and acceptable sacrifice.

Tender feelings are an abomination.

Thou shalt be emotionally independent from birth.

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

This list is far from God's list. The psalmist states that when someone has been oppressed from youth, "furrows” are created on his back. Every person with attachment struggles knows what those feel like. But the psalmist assures us that God has cut us free from the cords of the wicked (Psalm 129:1-4). Then we can "open wide” our hearts to those who walk in the ways of the Lord.'  (Cloud)

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Clinically we know from modern research that, "being cut free from the cords of the wicked” is the ability of the brain to recover from trauma, rebuild new brain tissue, and compensate for areas of damage and underdevelopment. We may also have new experiences in later childhood or even as adults that help to reprogram our brain and teach us healthier ways to connect.  (Gill)

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Relying on the Holy Spirit empowers a change and to come out from the bondage of old ways of thinking. Ask the Holy Spirit to free you from the death grip your defenses have on you and to give you the courage to take the first steps to attach to others.  (Cloud)

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

Jesus invites us to be bonded to Him, to be grafted into Him, to draw our nourishment from him. From that place of connection, we will regularly have times of rest and refreshment. He brings us peace, and His perfect love casts out all fear. (John 15:5,8)  "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit.” In this bond, we will bear fruit for our marriage and for ourselves. 

Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage

May you be strengthened in the love that He has given you for your marriage. May you grow ever deeper in your dependence upon His love---at the center Vine in which you abide and flourish. May the reality of His constant presence comfort you and bring you hope for each day in your marriage together. And may your marriage be a light amid the pain and darkness, an example that others can follow. May your secure marriage bond be so strong that it points others to the Source of love and life.  AMEN  (Gill)