Reading: House to House - Chapter 13 Help! I’m a Leader

Chapter 13

Help! I'm a Leader

ll of us experience times of crisis. This is an opportune time for the small group or house church to get actively involved in practical ministry. If you are a small group or house church leader and someone in your group is going through a crisis, you should activate the members of your group to serve the person as you see appropriate.

When a storm brought a huge tree crashing down on their house roof, one family experienced God's love in action through their small group. "Love started flowing our way the very next day in the form of a tub of brownies from a member,” they reported. "Brownies don't solve a mess, but they sure lift your spirits!” Small group members came immediately to remove the tree from the roof. One evening everyone from the group helped to repair water damage to the inside of the house. They hung a drop ceiling, painted, fixed a door, and did electrical work and many other smaller jobs. This family's misfortune was turned to a blessing as members had the opportunity to "do it unto Jesus” as they helped bear each other's burdens.

During times of crisis or change in someone's life, it's important to respond with an attitude of love, gentleness, and compassion. A storm-damaged house, change of jobs, the death of a loved one, moving, and the birth of a baby are all types of change that add extra pressures to our lives.

Remember, faith works by love. As you identify with the person's situation, God will show you how to best respond. The Lord has called us to all work together to build the Body of Christ

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Practical Tips

Here are a few examples of what you can do when someone in your group is going through the following crisis or change:

•Hospitalization--provide prayer, visitation, calls to family, flowers, child care or house-sitting. Contact the local pastor or house church network overseer to let him know of the hospitalization, especially in the case of an extended or serious illness.

•Illness--If a person is absent from the small group or house church meeting due to illness, the entire group should be encouraged to be involved in prayer for the sick, visiting, taking meals to the family, providing transportation and sending cards and flowers.

•Financial need--If someone has a financial or material need, you may want to initiate a special offering to help meet the need. If it is greater than the group can meet, the need should be discussed with your local pastor or house church network overseer. As I mentioned before, many local DOVE congregations have a "deacon's fund.” This fund receives a percentage of the monies that are given to the church through the weekly tithes as well as special designated offerings. All monies that are in the deacon's fund are set apart to help those who have special financial needs, and these funds are administered through the small group, which provides a sense of accountability.

•Moving--When someone moves, the leader sets the standard as a servant and gives leadership to the others within the small group or house church who are assisting in the moving of a family or a single person from one location to another. Encourage the group to assist with packing, moving, child care and meals. It can be a great time of fellowship for your group! The responsibility for organizing the moving day, including helping to line up trucks, should be delegated to others within the small group or house church as much as is possible; however, the leader should take the responsibility to make sure that it happens.

• Death in the family--Be sensitive to the needs of the family. Pray for them and serve wherever you can. Local pastors and house church network overseers will serve with the leader during these times of crisis. Due to the leader's close relationship with the family that has experienced a death, he may receive the information before the pastor or overseer. If this happens, leaders are encouraged to contact their spiritual overseers immediately. They should ask the pastor or overseer how the group can effectively undergird the family during this time.

•New baby--Set up a schedule to provide meals for the family. Perhaps you can baby-sit some of the other children in the family during this time and set up a schedule for others within the group to serve in this way. Again, in a cell-based church, the small group leader may find out about the new baby before the local pastor receives the information. We encourage the small group leader in a cell-based church to be sure to contact the local pastor with this information immediately.

•Person with a life-controlling problem--You may want to contact your local pastor or house church network overseer for assistance and training for a particular problem. Each of us is an able minister of the new covenant and can be used of the Lord to minister His healing; however, there are times when the Lord may want to use someone else within the Body of Christ who has a special anointing in an area of healing. There also may be a special need for emotional healing or deliverance.

Delegate, Delegate, Delegate

Many small group or house church leaders find it hard to delegate and then end up doing most of the work themselves. There are two major problems with not delegating to others. First of all, leaders who do not delegate sometimes get overwhelmed with their responsibilities. And second, if the leader does everything himself, the others in the group miss out on the blessing of serving, learning new responsibilities, and exercising their spiritual gifts.

Sometimes small group and house church leaders tend to do things themselves because of past experiences of being turned down when they asked others to fulfill a certain responsibility. Or perhaps the person the responsibility was delegated to did his job so poorly that the leader spent more time cleaning up the mess than if he would have done the whole thing himself. But if we do not give others responsibilities, how will they ever have the opportunity to learn?

Before we delegate a certain responsibility to a member, we need to be sure that we have trained them in this responsibility. Don't take it for granted that they know what to do. They may need coaching. For example, if you ask a member to care for the children, be sure that he knows what is expected of him. Otherwise you will abdicate instead of delegate. Abdication sows seeds of frustration for everyone.

Remember, delegate everything that you possibly can. Work yourself out of a job. As others increase in responsibility, you can begin to decrease and move on to the next thing the Lord has for you to do.

Dealing With Difficult Problems

Small group and house church leadership is not an easy responsibility, but it is rewarding. When someone in a small group or house church has problems the leader feels are too intense for him to handle, we encourage him to contact his local pastor or house church network overseer. They can deal with the situation and the small group leader or house church leader remains available to follow through with any assistance that may be needed.

For example, if Bob has a need that is greater than the small group leader in a cell-based church has faith to handle, the local pastor is there as one who has grace from the Lord to serve the small group leader and Bob.

Bob, of course, is free to go to anyone for advice, counsel, prayer, and fellowship if he feels so led. During our early years we made the mistake of exercising too much control and not enough flexibility in this area. For example, if Bob had a problem or struggle, we strongly suggested that he talk to the small group leader first before talking to anyone else. Although this was, generally speaking, a good principle to follow, the legalistic manner in which it was carried out was unduly constraining.

Sometimes a person needs to share confidential information but has not yet built enough trust in his relationship with the small group or house church leader or another person in the group. Trust takes time. The ideal situation is for every member to have a close enough relationship with other believers in their small group or house church so they can discuss anything, but that is not always the case.

We encourage people within the church to be free to go to anyone they feel they need to go to. Sometimes this may be a professional counselor within or outside their church. Usually if the problem they are facing requires accountability, they will eventually be encouraged to open up their hearts to their small group leader, house church leader, or local pastor. Of course, a trust relationship must be established before they will feel comfortable doing this.

Next to prayer, the person experiencing the difficulty needs a friend. As the leader, take this opportunity to befriend the one in trouble, building a deeper relationship with that person.

Problems in the area of alcohol, drugs, physical abuse, finances, health, and so on may require a counselor who can relate to those areas specifically. Pastors and counselors who have been delivered from a particular bondage often are called to minister to others with that same problem. The house church network leader or local pastors help put the leader in touch with the appropriate person.

When helping someone work through a difficulty, we believe it is important to never counsel the opposite sex alone. As much as possible, men should counsel men and women counsel women. If it is necessary to counsel someone of the opposite sex, always have a third party present. This will avert temptation, the appearance of evil, or any opportunity for gossip or false accusations.

Emotional Dependency

There may be times when we find that certain persons who are in the group are constantly draining us of our time and energy in a way that is not best for them or us. This is often called emotional dependency.¹

Sometimes due to the past patterns that we developed before knowing Christ, or due to our family of origin or possibly even from some wrong spiritual teaching, we develop the dysfunctional pattern of using others to meet our needs. Everyone desires to be loved and valued. Often, we overstep our boundaries when we attempt to meet those needs solely through others or when others desire the same from us.

You may find a person attracted to your small group or house church or to you as a leader because the basic needs of love and acceptance, security, and intimacy are unmet in his life. These are legitimate needs, and while it is true that the group can provide love, support, and acceptance, it is not appropriate that the small group, house church, or the leader become the sole source to meet these needs. The natural outgrowth of relationships developing within the small group or house church will provide for some emotional needs but can never replace the natural family, parents, or a spouse. While the small group provides support, it is not a "support group” like Alcoholic Anonymous. We overstep our boundaries when we find ourselves wanting to provide for the security or intimacy needs of another.

Let me share an example that I believe exhibited emotional dependency. Sally started coming to one of our small groups with her two children. In the very first meeting, Sally began manipulating the group by sharing her needs about her truck-driving husband. Apparently he was gone most of the week and left Sally to run the household. Her children were totally out of control (starved for consistent godly discipline, you might say), and it was obvious that Sally was not looking to give anything to the group, but rather, to receive from it. In time, we discovered that she needed baby-sitters, help with her marriage, and help with their finances. She began to spend hours of time with various women in the small group, usually by unannounced "drop-ins.” Sally did not show a desire to come closer to Jesus or be discipled. What she did desire was to have the uncomfortable things in her life "fixed” by the caretakers and responsible ones within the group. Sally wanted to be rescued and cared for.

The truth is that we could give and give to Sally and her family (which we initially attempted to do), but nothing or no one could fill the emotional void in her life. Recognizing this from the beginning could have spared many well-meaning people from becoming burned out.

Then what do we do with verses such as Luke 6:38, "Give and it shall be given” and Matthew 10:8, "Freely you have received, freely give . . .”? Here are some questions you can ask yourself. These same questions could be applied to help the one displaying emotionally dependent behavior.

•Am I in relation with this person or is this person in relation with me or the small group or house church as an approval-seeker?

•Do I feel overly responsible for this person? Is it Christ-given compassion, or is it guilt-filled sympathy?

•When I'm around this person, do I feel as though he or she is looking to me to provide for his or her need of security and relational intimacy?

•Am I, or is this person, looking to this relationship for identity?¹

To the woman at the well, Jesus truthfully responded, "You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband” (John 4:17-18). Jesus did not become this woman's emotional rescuer. He let her know that He knew her lifestyle and situation. In verse 26, He then revealed to her, ". . . I who speak to you am He [the Messiah].”

To the man at the pool of Bethesda, an invalid for 38 years, perhaps quite dependent upon his condition and surroundings, He asked:

". . . Do you want to be made well?” (John 5:6).

Remember, we are not the Savior. We do not need to meet needsin order to be important in the Kingdom. We are important to Jesus before we do anything. The newborn baby does not meet needs; it only has needs, yet the parent loves, accepts, and approves of that child. In the same way, God loves and approves of us. Rather than forming dependent relationships with one another, we need to look to Jesus and lead others to look to Him also.

Codependency

Codependency is not to be confused with emotional dependency, and the terms should not be interchangeably used. Whereas emotional dependency has to do with placing any human relationship before our relationship with God (which is idolatry), codependency relates more to our need to help, fix, enable, or control someone with a life-controlling need.

Why is the topic of codependency and small group and house church leadership so important? Leanne Payne, in her book Restoring the Christian Soul Through Healing Prayer, wrote that Christians in their zeal to serve others may actually mistake humility for idolatry by enabling sick and sinful behavior in the ones they are serving.²

Plainly and simply, small group and house church leaders desire their members to be whole spiritually, physically, and emotionally. When they are not whole, there can be a strong tendency to become the "caretaker.”

Let's define what we mean by codependency. Early on, the term codependency related to the spouse, child, or some significant person who was closely involved in the family system of one who was chemically dependent. For example: If mom is addicted to prescription drugs, it will undoubtedly affect the whole family. It will affect the finances, the marriage relationship and the relationship with the children. Mom will have good days and bad days. She may forget appointments. Mother becomes the dependent one, while the remainder of the family becomes codependent.

Today, the term has evolved to mean something far beyond this definition. However, for the scope of this book, we will be dealing with the issues of "care-taking” or "over-responsibility” within the small group and house church.

Small group or house church leaders are often confronted with people in need. Let's say that the Broad Street group has been reaching out to the Johns family. Mr. Johns is an alcoholic. He spends his paycheck on alcohol, and Mrs. Johns must pay all the household bills and feed her family of five on $100 per week. Consequently, she often finds herself in need of help.

Mrs. Johns shares her needs with the group but has a tendency to cover up her husband's drinking. Perhaps she even blames the problem on her husband's low-paying job. Of course the group wants to help. The children need food, and Mrs. Johns needs to be delivered of all the financial pressure. It certainly seems right to help in whatever way necessary.

Codependency causes us to lose our objectivity and take on a warped sense of responsibility. How long can the Broad Street group help? Perhaps to answer this question, we should ask another. How long can Mr. Johns be an alcoholic?

Mr. Johns' addiction is controlling his family. His wife wants to be rescued, helped, fixed. But, enabling this family to function normally while Mr. Johns remains addicted is very unhealthy. By enabling, I mean being involved in behavior that helps to relieve the pain of the consequences of addiction. Relieving pain, however, may not be helping anyone.

When small group leaders, house church leaders, or members begin desiring their worth from what they do for others, they are displaying characteristics of codependency. No matter how much is done, it will never be enough. That guilt will still be there. Their attempts to please others are designed to win approval and acceptance.

How then do we help the Johns family? Perhaps we can start with the practical, immediate needs of food, finances and other needs. But these things are not the ongoing need. Mr. Johns needs Jesus and lots of healing. Until he comes to Christ, Mrs. Johns really needs to be confronted with the truth. Her covering up for Mr. Johns is codependent behavior. She needs to be honest with herself, her feelings, her children, her small group or house church and her husband. Denial never changes a thing.

And for small group leaders, house church leaders, or members who have a tendency to enable and rescue, an identity in Christ is the answer. Such Scriptures as Romans 8:1, 17, 33, 35-39; Ephesians 1:22; Colossians 3:12; and many others describe who we are in Christ.³

Maintaining proper beliefs as discussed in the emotional dependency section is very important. As long as the group helps around the Johns' house, clothes the children, and pays the overdue bills, Mr. Johns can continue in his addiction and Mrs. Johns will never have to face the truth. As Focus on the Family founder, Dr. James Dobson, appropriately says, "At times, love must be tough.”⁴

Divisiveness in the Small Group or House Church

Paul the Apostle gives us a strong admonition regarding those who are divisive in the church:

But avoid foolish disputes, genealogies, contentions, and strivings about the law; for they are unprofitable and useless. Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition, knowing that such a person is warped and sinning, being self-condemned (Titus 3:9-11).

A divisive spirit can do more harm in a church than anything else that I can think of. It is usually cloaked with super-spiritual terminology like, "Do you really think our small group or house church leader or our pastor is anointed by the Lord to give the type of leadership that we need?” A divisive spirit will creep into a small group or a house church like cancer. That is why Paul speaks so harshly about it.

If you are a small group or house church leader and someone in the group is being divisive, don't waste any time. Go to him in love and confront the situation. God hates division, and we need to hate it as much as He does. Show him what the Scriptures say about being divisive.

Some time ago, when I pastored the original DOVE church, one of the men in the church began to sow seeds of discontent. He was giving his opinion about how he differed with some of the decisions that the church leadership was making. It was done in a way that was not constructive. Some of the Lord's people were confused. His actions were also causing strain on our relationship. When I realized what was happening, I faced my fears of confrontation and sat down with this brother in Christ and told him what I was seeing. He received my admonition, and today our relationship is restored.

Church Discipline

In 1 Corinthians 5 and Matthew 18:15-20, there are explicit instructions for dealing with serious problems in the church. People must be confronted with their sins, but always in the compassionate love of Christ. If Tom, a fellow small group or house church member, is overcome by a sin, we should first pray for him and allow the Spirit of God to give us a heart of genuine compassion for him. According to Matthew 18, we should talk with him alone about how he has disobeyed God. If he does not receive us, then we should take someone with us and talk to him again. This could be someone in the small group or house church, a local pastor or spiritual overseer or another Christian friend.

At this point, if Tom does not receive the admonition of the local church, the Scripture tells us that we should not consider him as a believer in Jesus Christ. If we get to this last step with Tom and he does not turn from his sin, a local pastor or house church network overseer should be involved in helping to deal with the situation.

We believe this type of scriptural church discipline is most effectively handled in a small group setting. We are instructed in Matthew 18 and in 1 Corinthians 5 to take these matters to the church. The church that meets in the home provides the proper spiritual setting. In the group, there is a deep sense of love and compassion for Tom, because we know him.

If Tom repents, it will be a great joy for the small group or house church to see Tom come back into a proper relationship with the Lord. The goal of all discipline is future restoration. Restoration will only be effective if done in a spirit of gentleness. God calls Christian leaders, as servant leaders, to restore someone, not by domineering, but by sharing the truth in love.

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted (Galatians 6:1).

The local pastors and house church network overseers have special grace on their lives to help small group or house church leaders handle church discipline situations in a godly, compassionate way.

Vows of Confidentiality

As leaders, there have been times in the past when we have fallen into the trap of promising to not divulge information that was given to us in confidence, when in reality, it would have been much better for everyone involved to share this information with others. The Scriptures tell us in Proverbs 6:2:

?.?.?.?you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth.

. . . you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth.

If Bill tells us personal information and asks us to promise not to tell anyone, our response must be, "I will only do what is the most loving thing that I can do for you and for anyone else involved, and what is best for the Lord's Kingdom.” If Bill doesn't trust me enough to allow me to get help for him when he needs it, it is best for him not to divulge personal information. Basic confidentiality is important, but vows of confidentiality should be avoided.

Taking this approach will keep you from being ensnared by the words of your mouth. In other words, you will not be stuck with private information that you know you should tell others who could be a part of the solution but feel unable to discuss because of a promise of confidentiality.

Now that you've been given some advice on how to deal with potential problem areas in the small group and house church, in the next chapter I want to concentrate on every small group and house church leader's commitment to Jesus Christ, to those he serves, to his local church or house church network's vision, and on his commitment to flexibility so that the small group or house church may flow together in unity.

Questions for Practical Application

1.List some practical ways that small groups and house churches can help members.

2.How do you handle one who gossips against a leader?

3.What are the steps to restore someone back into fellowship?

Chapter 13

1. Emotional Dependency and Codependency sections written by Steve Prokopchak. For more on emotional dependency, read Steve's booklet Recognizing Emotional Dependency, and other helpful booklets for small group leaders, available through DOVE International, Lititz, PA: House to House Publications. www.h2hp.com

2. Leanne Payne, Restoring the Christian Soul Through Healing Prayer (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 1991).

3. We recommend this excellent resource: Who I Am in Christ, a tract providing dozens of Scriptures to provoke biblical change from the inside out. www.h2hp.com

4.Dr. James Dobson, Love Must Be Tough (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 2007).