Reading: The Cry For Spiritual Fathers and Mothers: Chapter 4 Understanding What It Takes to Be a Father

C h a p t e r4

Understanding What It
Takes to Be a Father

What does a spiritual parent look like?

ore than thirty years ago, as young youth workers, LaVerne and
I began to develop what we called Paul-Timothy discipling re-
lationships with new Christians. I met with a few young men each week for Bible study and prayer and LaVerne did the same with young women. Early on, we realized these relationships were going to be a work in progress, and it might be a long haul before we saw spectacular results. Many of the kids came from one particular neighborhood where motorcycle gangs and drugs were commonplace. Since most of the kids were first generation believers, they received little support from friends and family.

We were young ourselves, didn't know much, and made mistakes, but our hearts were at the right place. We knew that in order for these kids to grow spiritually and not fall away, we would have to do more than spend time in a discipleship-type Bible study with them. They needed to see Christianity practically modeled and working or none of it would make any sense to them. We didn't call it mentoring or spiritual fathering at the time, but we were doing it just the same. It was more than a duty or event for us, it was a life-style of being connected in relationships to younger Christians who desperately needed supportive, nurturing commitment from older Christians.

We opened our hearts and home to these kids and loved them unconditionally. Deep down we realized that, (although in all honesty we didn't consciously see that far ahead at the time) if we coached them to grow up spiritually, they could someday help others and it would all be worth it. So we welcomed these teenagers into our daily lives. They spent a lot of time hanging out at our house, creating permanent red Kool-aid stains on the carpet and punching occasional holes in the wall during wrestling matches.

Most of the training took place as they observed us discipling our children or fixing that persistent roof leak. We were learning step by step how to be effective spiritual parents, and they were learning how to bear fruit as Christians.

The Lord was faithful. Out of these inauspicious beginnings, a church was birthed with some of these young believers who were being trained to take on the next batch of spiritual children. Today, at DOVE Christian Fellowship International (DCFI) we have the privilege of watching many of our spiritual children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren reproduce spiritual sons and daughters as new cell groups and new churches are being planted throughout the world. It is so fulfilling!

There was nothing special about us and there still isn't! We were ordinary young people, made lots of mistakes, and have many stories to tell that are not success stories, but we had the heart of fathers to teach their children. We loved Jesus, we really loved those kids, and as any parent, we expected them to grow!

Fathers expect their children to grow

Parents expect their children to grow up in every way--physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Through the natural progression of time and with much love and the right amount of training, children are expected to mature into healthy adults and move out to start homes of their own.

As I mentioned before, having our first child was quite an experience for me. Like myself, most parents do not feel they are ready to have children because they are inexperienced. But having a baby will change all that. Parents quickly get around the clock, hands-on-training! Just as we learn to raise our natural children, we learn to train spiritual children simply by doing it.

Twenty-one years after having our first child, I walked down the aisle with this "baby” girl at my side on her wedding day. I realized I spent all those years of time, effort and money to give her away to her fiance! We raised her to give her away. Recently she and her husband gave us our first grandson. Now they will have the opportunity to be parents and prepare the next generation. Parenting is all about passing on a legacy. Spiritual parenting involves a whole package of loving, training, modeling, imparting, and multiplying.

A spiritual father defined

Before you can ever be a spiritual father or mother, you must first check your motives. Spiritual fathering is a "behind the scenes” kind of deal. Probably no one will pat you on the back and say, "What a good job you are doing: keep up the good work.” Why? Because being a father is not something you do, as much as it is something you are. I do not have to tell people that I'm a father. They know it when they see my son and daughters at my side.

Scripture warns us about giving ourselves an impressive title in an effort to try to gain the honor and respect of others: "Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven...But he who is greatest among you shall be your servant” (Matthew 23:9,11). A spiritual father is always a servant first. Paul, the apostle, called himself a father several times in scripture, but he uses the word "father” to denote, "not authority, but affection: therefore he calls them not his obliged, but his beloved, sons” (see I Corinthians 4:14).¹ The measure of greatness of a spiritual father is his level of servanthood and love.

Spiritual fathers and mothers could also be called mentors orcoaches because they are in a place to help sons and daughters negotiate the obstacles of their spiritual journeys. A coach is someone who wants to see you win. A coach tells you that you can make it. Simply stated, my favorite definition of a spiritual father would be: A spiritual father helps a spiritual son reach his God-given potential. It is that uncomplicated and yet profound. Bobb Biehl says it this way: "Mentoring is more 'how can I help you?' than 'what should I teach you?'” ²

Of course, a spiritual father will teach spiritual truths, but his energies go into caring for and helping the son in all aspects of life. A spiritual fathering relationship cannot be a formal relationship of teaching because by definition and by practice, it is informal interaction. It takes place along the highways and byways of life. A spiritual son needs to see his father in action in everyday life. A spiritual father loves and gently encourages his son to move in the right direction as he progresses on his journey.

Paul, the apostle, showed how much he loved the Thessalonian believers as a spiritual parent in his letter to them: "But we were gentle among you, just as a nursing mother cherishes her own children. So, affectionately longing for you, we were well pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God, but also our own lives, because you had become dear to us” (I Thessalonians 2:7-8).

Paul cherished the people he had mentored like a nursing mother, tender and gentle. When spiritual children are impacted with a father's and mother's affection, they know it and respond to this love. They know when they are genuinely loved and accepted!

With a mature spiritual father at his side, a son will grow strong and learn quickly and naturally by example. He teaches, trains, sets a good example, and provides a role model. A spiritual father raises a son's awareness of attitudes or behaviors in his life that need to be changed. He helps him take an honest look at his life and make adjustments so that his actions and behavior can change.

Similarities between a spiritual and natural father

Spiritual fathering needs to be taught and imparted just as natural fathering is imparted. "There are at least five similarities between a spiritual father and a natural father which help to open our eyes to the function of a New Testament spiritual father,” according to Dr. David Cannistraci. If we understand these functions, it will not only help us to prepare the way for spiritual fathers, but will also assist us in recognizing them as they appear:

1. Fathers demonstrate love.The love relationship between a father and his son provides the ideal environment for training and developing the character and life of the son. Without love, a son may grow, but he cannot flourish...Fathers affirm their children and provide the gentle security of an unwavering commitment to their well-being.

2. Fathers train and discipline. Fathers take a powerful part in firmly directing and guiding their children into activities and attitudes that will prepare them for success. A true father accepts responsibility for his children. The biblical role of a father is to raise his children to a place of maturity and fruitfulness.

3. Fathers provide. Another primary task of a father is to provide for his children. To "provide” means to sustain and enrich....What does a spiritual father provide for his spiritual children? A legacy of spirit can only come from a spiritual father to his spiritual children.

4. Fathers reproduce. In the most basic sense, natural fathers are men who have physically contributed to creating a new life...Spiritual fathers give spiritual life to new children in the faith by becoming the vessels through which those children enter into the new birth. They continue their ministries as fathers by raising up and reproducing their own ministries within such lives.

5. Fathers bless and impart. Many fathers understand well how to love, provide for and train their children, but many lack the ability the great apostolic fathers of the early church profitably exercised--imparting spiritual blessing. The apostle Paul pictures God the Father blessing us as His children with all spiritual blessings through our relationship with Christ (Ephesians 1:3).The apostle Paul laid his hands on his spiritual son Timothy and was used to impart gifts and blessings that Timothy was responsible to utilize (II Timothy 1:6). This transference of divine life is one of the most awesome responsibilities of a spiritual father. Speaking from experience, I can say that this is one of the greatest experiences any spiritual son can have.³

Fathers have "been with Jesus”

A spiritual father does not have to be a spiritual giant in order to train others. No one is a finished product. We are all learning to live in obedience to God and growing in amazing grace. What really counts is our hearts and Who resides there. The important thing is that we "have been with Jesus.”

Peter and John had no formal education, but they spoke fluently to the scholarly religious leaders of the Sanhedrin: "Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated and untrained men, they marveled. And they realized that they had been with Jesus” (Acts 4:13).

God will take common, ordinary people who love Jesus and transform them. Spiritual growth is recognizing who it is that God calls us to be and overcoming adversity through the power of the Holy Spirit. God will use us at any point in our Christian walk if we allow Him to.

Fathers are models

By His example, Jesus modeled spiritual fathering. Though He ministered to the multitudes, He spent most of His time on earth as a spiritual father to twelve men. He knew that kingdom values were caught more than taught. He trained them so they could grow up spiritually and be equipped to train others. He fished, prayed, wept and rejoiced with these disciples, and they went on to "father” many more people in the kingdom of God.

When Jesus trained His disciples, He didn't tell them how to be disciples by having them sit on a hill somewhere and lecturing them for three years. He taught them from real life experiences as they traveled from place to place and actively learned, by Jesus' example and demonstration, about the kingdom of God. The disciples witnessed firsthand God's power and compassion when they came to Jesus for bread to feed a hungry multitude. They learned to discern the true from the false when Jesus exposed the scribes and Pharisees in their false piety and self-righteousness.

Jesus was totally accessible and approachable to His disciples for three years, and they grew spiritually mature with His tutelage. They were not perfect, but He believed in them enough to entrust the church to them when He ascended into heaven.

In the book of Colossians, Paul, the apostle, modeled fatherhoodto Epaphras when he made himself available in a time of need. It seems that Epaphras had been converted and carried the gospel to Colossae.Because of his previous relationship to Paul, Epaphras felt at liberty to come to Rome to seek Paul's seasoned counsel on the errors then threatening the Colossian church. In response, Paul wrote this letter to the church as a father who cared deeply because he felt a stewardship for the people through his relationship with Epaphras (Colossians 1:25). Fathers who model fatherhood like this perpetuate a legacy through their sons as the sons learn how to father others into the kingdom.

Fathers set an example

In order to grow in God, people need someone to speak into their lives. Paul spoke into the lives of those he fathered in the faith: "Remember those who rule over you, who have spoken the word of God to you, whose faith follow...” (Hebrews 13:7). Paul presented a true and godly example to those he served, and they would gladly imitate him. This initiated a legacy of spiritual parenting.

In I Thessalonians 2:11, Paul reminds the church that he set the example as a father, exhorting, comforting and charging each believer: "as a father does his own children.” Providing an example for others to imitate and reproduce is an important aspect of spiritual parenting.

Fathers give sons a sense of significance

One goal of a father is to strive to build a healthy sense of self-worth in his son. In his book, Seven Things Children Need, John Drescher says every child wants to be noticed and recognized as a person of worth. "It is almost impossible to live with ourselves if we feel we are of little value or if we don't like ourselves,” he says. "A person who feels like a nobody will contribute little to life. This needs to be stressed because the great plague of inferiority feelings starts early in life. We human beings need to be noticed, appreciated, and loved as we are if we are to have a sense of significance.” ⁴

Bert Rosman, a young Dutch church planter who planted a church in Croatia, told me how grateful he was for the spiritual fathers and mothers who believed in him and his wife, greatly impacting their lives while on the mission field. "Spiritual fathers work to build a Christ-esteem in us so that our identity, security, self-esteem, value and destiny are built in Christ,” he said.

Leaders often become leaders only when someone believes in them as leaders. Years ago, there was a young believer in our cell group who felt like he could not pray in public. He admitted he felt inadequate among all the more mature Christians whose prayers came easily. I did not give Keith a formula to follow, but I saw potential in him and encouraged him to step out of his "comfort zone.”

One day, he urged me, "Ask me to pray sometime when I'm not expecting it.” I was happy to oblige! Very soon, at a small group meeting, I asked Keith to begin our prayer session with a one sentence prayer. It was a place to start, and Keith prayed because I believed he could do it. My trust in him helped him to overcome his feelings of inadequacy. He went on to assume leadership in a small group and later served as a deacon in his local church.

Spiritual children will grow in responsibility and achievement when someone believes in them. Parents must see their children in the light of who they can become.

Fathers see the potential

Recognizing the undeveloped traits of a son or daughter is a father and mother's responsibility. Jesus changed Simon's name to Peter, meaning rock. Peter didn't act like a solid, stable rock when he fell asleep in the Garden or denied Jesus three times, but Jesus knew Peter's heart. Peter later became the rock Jesus predicted he would be.

Although spiritual parents cannot predict their son's or daughter's future, they can help them to set goals and to use and develop their gifts now so that God will be able to use them to serve Him and others more fully in the future.

It should also be noted that Jesus did not nag Peter to grow up after He called him a rock. Ephesians 6:4includes advice to fathers to train their children (see their potential) and not unduly criticize them: "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”Children will not reach their potential if parents exasperate them with unrealistic expectations or constant criticisms.

A spiritual father should not be too quick to correct his son's mistakes, or expect too much too soon. Although honesty is important and we cannot overlook a fault if it hinders our son's walk with the Lord, we should be slow to barge in and correct him. Sometimes a father will see a weakness but realize the best way for his son to overcome the weakness is for the son to discover it himself. The father simply makes sure he is available to help process the weakness when it surfaces. Instead of pointing out the fault too quickly, we should pray for them and stimulate them with our encouraging words. Remember, it is the Holy Spirit who leads us into all truth (John 16:13).

Fathers are available

A spiritual father or mother is an unselfish individual. They will make themselves accessible and available. Today's society, especially in the Western world, encourages us to be individualistic and selfish with our time. We fill our calendars to the maximum with work-related tasks, but make sure we pencil in generous time slots for recreation and taking care of "Number One.”

A spiritual fathering relationship is marked by its liberality. Spiritual fathers give of their time generously and sacrificially. With an open heart and hand they purposefully take their spiritual children under their wings. It is not always comfortable to make ourselves available at 2 AM in the morning for a crisis phone call, but a spiritual father will graciously take it in stride because he loves his son.

According to John Drescher, our children need our time. He encourages parents to take time "to listen to [a child's] concerns, drop the newspaper when he speaks, look into his eyes when he talks to us.” He tells this story of a son needing the attention of his father:

A small boy watched his father polish the car. He asked, "Dad, your car's worth a lot, isn't it?”

"Yes,” his dad replied, "it cost a lot. It pays to take care of it. When I trade the car in, it will be worth more if I take care of it.”

After some silence the son said, "Dad, I guess I'm not worth very much, am I?” ⁵

When spiritual fathers spend time with their sons, their sons know they are worth a great deal in the fathers' eyes. A father knows that when he invests his life in nurturing his son, the son will grow up to be spiritually productive.

Fathers impart

A father will experience the joys of fathering when he takes what he has and imparts it to others. To impart means to give to another what one is/has. Through a spiritual father's teaching and influence, an impartation is conferred to his spiritual son.

Natural parents want to see their children grow into maturity. They teach them by example because they know that if they do a good job, their lineage will be a prosperous and healthy one. The parenting process has at its core the intention of raising healthy children who can produce more productive and healthy children.

This is also the heart's cry of a spiritual father or mother. Their goal is for their children to reach their full potential as men and women of God. In a spiritual parenting relationship, all of this takes place in an atmosphere of patient love and acceptance, without judgment or fear of gossip. It is meant to happen naturally and easily by example and modeled behavior as spiritual parents impart a blessing to their spiritual children.

Start where you are

Perhaps you never had a spiritual father or mother. That does not mean you are unable to be one. If you wait until you think you are ready it will probably never happen. You don't need to be perfect, just faithful and obedient. Mother Teresa once said, "God does not demand that I be successful. God demands that I be faithful. When facing God, results are not important. Faithfulness is what is important.”⁶

Perhaps you feel that you already tried and failed. A few years ago, Murray McCall, who spent several years in church planting in New Zealand, told me, "After going through a season of discouragement as a spiritual leader, I came to understand that God had called me to be a father.” This truth set him free as a leader in the body of Christ. He realized his primary call was to simply be a father, and he could trust God for grace to start again when he made mistakes or was discouraged.

The Bible is filled with examples and models for us to imitate--the impartation from Moses to Joshua; Elijah to Elisha; Samuel to David; Paul to Timothy and Titus. We should expect every Christian to become a spiritual father or mother as they impart to others what God has given to them. It is possible and achievable!

By way of summary and description of a spiritual father, I love this real life example of Dan Hitzhusen, a church planter, who describes his mentoring relationship with Josh McDowell:

Josh saw me as a diamond in the rough. I was twenty-one years old with a heart for God, full of life, and full of myself. Serving as a personal assistant to Josh McDowell as a staff member of Campus Crusade for Christ, I made many mistakes. Josh expected excellence, yet, when I blew it, he would say something like, "Dan, that just shows it can happen to the best of them.”

I remember really messing something up and asking Josh why he didn't get particularly angry with me. He said, "Dan, the things that I think will make you a better person, a better friend, a better representative of Jesus Christ, I share with you. Everything else I take to God.”

On another occasion, I was feeling rejected by some of my co-workers. Josh pulled me aside and said, "Dan, you and I are renegades. We are different. We will never really fit in. You will never fit in. That isn't the way God made you.”

Josh always believed in me more than I believed in myself.

Perhaps the greatest personal tribute that I have for Josh McDowell is that he saw me for who God made me to be and he encouraged me to serve God with my whole heart in my own uniqueness.”⁷

The Lord is placing a desire within mature Christians of our generation to be spiritual fathers and mothers to the next generation. Relationships between the young and the old are a key to the kingdom. The Lord wants to bring the young and the old together, bind them close to each other and to their God, and teach them to build His kingdom together. All it takes is willingness, availability, time, and a generous dose of the grace of God.

In the next chapter, we are going to examine the role women play in parenting relationships and the mother-heart of God.

Notes

¹ Matthew Henry's Commentary in One Volume, (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1960), p. 119.

² Bobb Biehl, Mentoring, (Nashville, Tennessee: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1996), p. 19.

³ Dr. David Cannistraci, The Gift of Apostle, (Ventura, California: Regal Books, 1996), p. 120-124.

⁴ John M. Drescher, Seven Things Children Need, (Scottdale, Pennsylvania: Herald Press, 1976), p. 19.

⁵ Ibid., p. 27.

⁶Mother Teresa In My Own Words, Compiled by Jose Luis Gonzalez-Balado, (Random House, 1996), p. 40.

⁷ Bobb Biehl, Mentoring, (Nashville, Tennessee: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1996), p. 92.