Reading: The Cry For Spiritual Fathers and Mothers: Chapter 5 Spiritual Mothering

C h a p t e r5

Spiritual Mothering

God's nurturing, mother's heart

here is a desperate need for spiritual mothers in the church of
Jesus Christ today. Teenage girls, new mothers and pastors' wives
throughout the body of Christ are crying out for spiritual mothers. Women need spiritual mothers to place their arms around them, protect and mentor them as they progress on their journey with Christ.

I have included this chapter which focuses on women and their unique approach and role in parenting because I want to look at the role of the mother-heart of God as it relates to spiritual parenting.We need to see this very important nurturing side of God

God created men and women to be unique with respect to one another. The differences between men and women are meant to be a blessing and bring balance to life so we can have a richer and fuller comprehension of the Father's love for us. One day, nine-year-old Joey got off the bus from school and said, "Mom, the bus is so empty we each could have our own seat. But those dumb girls, they all pile into one seat!”

Joey's maleness could not quite comprehend the female's need to cluster! Women seem to be programmed to need intimacy and deep friendships. Feminine traits are often described as soft, nurturing, intuitive and empathic. Women see themselves in relation to the people around them, preferring intimacy to separateness. This allows women to be uniquely in tune with close relationships.

When women get together, they often talk about their feelings and relationships, their work and their family. Women's nurturing, mothering characteristics come out as they communicate with each other.

The nurturing tendency in women is most evident by their capacity for love that often goes beyond that of men. Proverbs 10:1 states, "A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother.” A mother usually feels deeper pain because her love is more tender.

Of course, you don't have to be a biological mother to display tenderness and compassion. Any Christian woman who understands the father-heart of God and His everlasting love will develop nurturing, maternal characteristics.

The mother-heart of God

How do we know God has a tender, nurturing mother's heart? We have only to look at His name. One Hebrew name for God is El Shaddai. El comes from the root meaning might and strength. Shad is Hebrew for breast or many-breasted one. It shows tenderness and the desire to nurture us and make us fruitful.

Time and time again in the holy scriptures we get a picture of God's nurturing, mother-like tendencies: "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands...” (Isaiah 49:15-16a NIV). God's deep, abiding love for us is greater than even that strongest of bond between a baby and his mother. A little later on in Isaiah 66:13, the Lord says, "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you....” (NIV).

The scriptures show another picture of God's nurturing and tender mother's heart in Matthew 23:37 when Christ shows His compassion for those who rejected Him: "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing” (NIV).

Jerusalem was where the gospel was first preached and also where the Christians were first persecuted. Jesus longed to bestow His wonderful grace and favor to these spiritually blinded religious leaders in Jerusalem. Even though they refused His love, it was compassionately extended to them just as a mother hen gathers her chicks for protection, safety, warmth and comfort under her wings.

The Titus 2 mandate

I believe the Lord is calling spiritual mothers today to obey His call to take spiritual daughters under their wings. Christian women need spiritual mothers to help them grow into healthy women of God. A spiritual mother walks alongside another woman and puts her arm around her and says, "You can make it!”In her book Spiritual Mothering, Susan Hunt's definition for spiritual mothering is this: "When a woman possessing faith and spiritual maturity enters into a nurturing relationship with a younger woman in order to encourage and equip her to live for God's glory.” ¹

God's Word gives women a clear mandate and model for spiritual mothering. Paul exhorted Titus what to teach, and into this context he exhorted older women to put their energies into training and teaching younger women: "[Teach] the older women...that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things--that they admonish the younger women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed” (Titus 2:2-5).

Paul knew the church could be impacted if older women would start teaching younger women by their godly life-styles. If they would give of themselves and invest their energies in younger women, the kingdom would be advanced. God wants to use women of reverence (who fear God), women who are free from slander, and women who are not captive to addictive behavior. These mature women are the kind of women who are ready to be spiritual mothers.

Spiritually mature women unselfishly give of themselves. They submit their will to God and to His leadership. Out of love for Him, they have learned the secret of Philippians 2:3-4: "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself [herself]. Let each of you look out not only for his [her] own interests, but also for the interests of others.” Spiritually mature women will not be absorbed entirely by their own concerns but will unselfishly look out for others.

Our need for mothering

As a young, twenty-eight-year-old pastor's wife, LaVerne struggled in the early days of ministry because of the pressure she felt to conform to the expected pastor's wife role of organizing women's groups, meetings and programs. As she tells it,"I knew I was not going to be the typical pastor's wife who played the piano, organ or sang. I just did not feel called to occupy my time with being a public person. I knew God did not call me to spend my time heading committees and planning women's events. My heart's cry was to be a servant of the Lord Most High. Every time I got down on my knees, I knew what God had called me to do. It was clear--train a few women at a time.”

So LaVerne spent the next few years doing just that. She started to pour her life into a few of the women who were small group leaders in the church. It wasn't a job for the fainthearted. The relationships she developed took time and effort. She was not standing up front to an adoring public.

For years, she simply trained women behind the scenes. She loved them as she inquired how their marriages were faring. She prayed and wept with them as they went through life's hard spots and rejoiced with them when they experienced life's joys. The results of this kind of spiritual mothering had far-reaching effects. These women were equipped to pass on to other women the impartation they had received. The results were a multiplication over and over again of LaVerne's initial efforts with a few women.

Today, LaVerne continues to mentor women one-on-one. When she speaks to larger crowds, the heart's cry of women is often one of"But where are the older women? Where is that spiritual mother who will mentor me and help me grow up in my Christian life?” With tears streaming down their faces, younger women are saying,"Sometimes I could just use an hour of a spiritually mature woman's time. I so desperately need to be encouraged to look to the Father. I need to hear from someone who has spiritual maturity beyond mine and can teach me valuable lessons from life.” What women are looking for is a friend, a coach, a cheerleader who can point them to Jesus.

Our focus must be upward

It takes a special kind of grace to be a natural and spiritual mother in today's world. Being a mother is not easy. There is a huge mental investment, along with the physical exertion of the twenty-four hours a day demand that is required for motherhood. A woman who understands this is willing to admit her total dependence on the grace of the Lord for spiritual parenting.

Although it is important to have loving and nurturing one-on-one relationships, these relationships must hinge on the more important vertical relationship with God. A spiritual mother-daughter relationship needs to focus on glorifying God and yielding to His will and purpose.

A plaque in a mother's kitchen reads, "The greatest thing a mother can do for her children is to love their father.” You could paraphrase that adage to say, "The greatest thing a spiritual mother can do for her spiritual children is to love her heavenly Father!” The entire focus of the relationship must be one of glorifying God.

This point is brought out clearly in Luke, chapter one, as we witness the interaction between Elizabeth and Mary. Elizabeth and Mary had a lot in common. They both had unusual pregnancies! When they first met, they could have focused on their unique situations and talked of all they were feeling, empathizing with each other and calling attention to their own needs. Instead, upon greeting each other, their focus was upward. Their relationship was not formed by what they needed from each other. Elizabeth, like a seasoned spiritual mother, encouraged Mary who, in turn, burst forth in praise to God:

And it happened, when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, that the babe leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. Then she spoke out with a loud voice and said, "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! But why is this granted to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? For indeed, as soon as the voice of your greeting sounded in my ears, the babe leaped in my womb for joy. Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord.”

And Mary said: "My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. For He has regarded the lowly state of His maidservant; For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed. For He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His name” (Luke 1:41-49).

The purpose of a spiritual mothering relationship is to glorify God. He is your entire hope: "...Christ in you, the hope of glory” (Colossians 1:27). What an awesome concept.

Christ, the anointed One, lives within you! It is Christ who is ministering through you. It's not so much about what you do for God, but what God is doing in you! You need to allow Him to do the spiritual mothering through you as you yield to Him.

Relationship must be birthed in prayer

Spiritual mothering cannot be just another item on your "to do” list. Christian women today have enough meetings to attend and things to do. Developing a spiritual mothering relationship must be something the Lord imparts to you personally.

It needs to be birthed in prayer. Pray initially that the Lord will lead you to the right relationship. Then pray diligently every day for your spiritual daughter. "The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man [woman] avails much” (James 5:16b).

What hinders spiritual mothering?

Remember that it is the character of Christ that qualifies an individual to be a spiritual mother. Potential spiritual mothers must be women who fear God. This means they need to care more about what God thinks of them than what other people think. Suffering from a poor self-image will hinder spiritual mothering. There are pressures in life to conform and act a certain way. But when the fear of God comes on a woman, she asks God what He thinks of her. She knows Christ accepts her because of the blood, and it is an unconditional love. This brings freedom in her life.

LaVerne was speaking at a women's retreat about God's unconditional love, and a woman who had been a Christian for a long time came up to her and said, "I don't think I understand God's unconditional love. Growing up, I felt love from my parents only when I performed satisfactorily for them. So I've always put conditions on my love when I related to others.”

That day, she acknowledged her wrong thinking and chose to accept God's unfathomable, unconditional love for her. Her life was changed! God loves individuals whether they perform or not. His love is extended without conditions. When God's people understand this, they will not minister to others out of duty, but out of His love for them. It is through this love that we serve one another (Galatians 5:13).

Another thing that will hinder spiritual mothering is selfishness. "I'm too busy,” "I've raised my children,” "I'm retired; just let me relax by the ocean,” are all selfish excuses for not getting involved.

LaVerne has had several spiritual mothers, including Naomi, who, several years ago, at 48 years of age and after raising seven children of her own, took in a young foster son. Then her elderly mother moved in with her family. Some would look at her and say, "Isn't it time to take a break and ease up at your age?” But Naomi still found time to get together with LaVerne (she had to get a baby-sitter for her son and elderly mother at home) to pray with her.

"When I feel lazy and want to gripe and complain,” said LaVerne, "I just can't make excuses for myself because I have a spiritual mom in my life who doesn't have it easy but she chooses to walk in joy.”

Age factor

Chronological age does not dictate when someone can be a spiritual parent. You can be a spiritual parent when you are 16 or 80. At age 12, our daughter Charita became a spiritual parent to younger kids in a small group ministry. She took them under her wing and taught them simple biblical principles from God's Word. She prayed with them and cared for them when they had a need. Charita was learning by doing. Out of her love for Jesus and those kids, she took a step of obedience. She did not wait until she felt she was totally equipped; she became a spiritual parent to the kids while she was learning herself.

You can always find someone younger spiritually whom you can disciple and train in the ways of God, and soon they, too, will be ready to train others. We need to learn how to release spiritual parents of all ages to reproduce themselves.

When the Bible exhorts older women to train younger women, most likely it is meant that a spiritual mother should be a mature woman who reflects experience. This does not necessarily mean an "older in age” woman needs to mentor a "younger in age” woman. Age has less to do with it than experience. Experience and spiritual maturity should be the yardstick measuring who should mentor whom. Regardless of age, it is the woman's spiritual maturity that qualifies her to mentor another.

So, technically, a woman in her twenties who is spiritually mature could be a spiritual mother to a fifty-year-old woman new to the Christian faith. Recently, I met for breakfast with a medical doctor who came to faith in Christ in his forties. He spoke endearingly of a spiritual father in his life, much younger in age, who helped him grow in his newly found faith.

This younger-in-age father and older son variance may be the exception, however. More often, I believe the biblical mandate of spiritual mothering and fathering normally follows the pattern of age. Because it is the older person with years of experience, who has been already through many different seasons in life, who can more effectively mentor a younger person. Nevertheless, in both dynamics, the age differences work together to enrich the relationship.

Where do I start?

If you feel you cannot become a spiritual mother until you have had one yourself, break out of that mind-set! Instead, take a step of faith and become a spiritual mother to another woman and see what the Lord will do. God's Word says we will reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7). Sow what you have into another's life and God will bring a spiritual mother(s) into your life.

Of course, there is no magic formula for developing a relationship with a spiritual daughter. You just have to go and do it. Every person is unique and will find what works in each relationship. In some cases, a younger woman will approach an older woman and ask her to pray about serving for a season as a spiritual mother. At other times, the spiritual mother may approach a potential spiritual daughter first. Only the Lord can put these relationships together. If you have tried in the past and it has not worked out, continue to pray and trust Him for His "divine connection.” He is faithful.

Start by praying for the woman God is calling you to mother spiritually. Perhaps you see someone who needs encouragement. Initiate a relationship by helping in practical ways--baby-sit for a single mom so she can have a night out. Go to the grocery store for a mother with toddlers. Spend time with a single woman needing encouragement. Invite a younger woman into your home for tea. Consider writing notes or making encouraging phone calls to the woman. Get to know her and her history. Share your testimonies with each other. Spend time together in Bible study if she is a young Christian and needs to be grounded in the Word. Discover her areas of struggle and pray for her: "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16a). With acceptance, patience and love be willing to listen and gently counsel: "Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his [her] earnest counsel” (Proverbs 27:9 NIV).

If you are already the woman's friend, you may feel God's tug at your heart to open your life more fully to her. Take the time to invest in the relationship and be strong on encouragement! As you develop your mentoring relationship, you will experience the closeness of true friendship.

Share your uncloaked life

At the Last Supper, Jesus took off His outer garment and knelt down and washed the disciples' feet, saying, "For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you” (John 13:15). Before an individual can serve others, she or he must take offtheir "outer garments.” Although an outer garment is usually cast off when we are ready to get to some serious work, we can also look at the outer garment as a metaphor for the "Sunday best” behavior we must cast off.Sometimes our "outer garment behavior” is a cover-up to hide our vulnerabilities. We don't want others to see our weaknesses, so we keep our outer garments pulled around us, intact and stiff, getting in the way of real servanthood.

It can get complex and risky when we open up our lives to others. But honesty is humbling and liberating. A "performance mentality” will go out the door when we share our real, uncloaked lives with others. Uncloaked, we will no longer serve because we think it is required of us but because we love as He loved us.

Love is the key! In the next chapter, we will see how the security of our heavenly Father's love shapes us into loving spiritual mothers and fathers.

Notes

¹ Susan Hunt, Spiritual Mothering, (Wheaton, Illinois: Crossway Books, 1992), p.12.