C h a p t e r6

You Can't Give What
You Don't Have

Spiritual fathers and mothers must be
secure in the Father's love

A

s a young man, I worked on a construction crew building new
houses. I learned that the first step to building a sturdy house was
to put in a solid concrete foundation. It took time to level the blocks and secure them with concrete, but a solid foundation would keep the house safe when the inevitable storms and wind came. The same is true of our spiritual lives. We cannot aspire to help others and become spiritual parents without building a firm foundation on Jesus Christ. We must get to know Jesus intimately and surrender all that we are and hope to be to Him. Only then can we have something enduring to offer to others.

Millions of people today believe that God is the creator of the universe, but fewer choose to know Him deeply and experience a relationship with Him as a Father. Our Father is a God of relationship. He wants to be our Father and have a personal friendship with us so He can reveal His ways to us.

In His intercessory prayer, Jesus claims that it is possible to know the Father: "And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent” (John 17:3). God revealed Himself to us through Jesus Christ. The entire gospel rests on this claim that knowing God, through Jesus, brings eternal life. When we know Jesus and develop a love relationship with Him, we will be secure as believers, willing and ready to reach out to others in love. Spiritual parents know that it is only the love of the Lord that can impact a life deeply enough to create lasting change.

Secure in the Father's love

Jesus knew He was a love gift from the Father to the world. Because of this, Jesus was secure in His Father's love. Jesus knew where He came from. He knew why He was here and where He was going.

In the upper room, Jesus was so completely secure that He could serve his spiritual sons expecting nothing in return. "Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come from God and was going to God, rose from supper and laid aside His garments, took a towel and girded Himself.After that, He poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples' feet, and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded” (John 13:3-5).

If we are to become healthy spiritual fathers and mothers, we must be certain of our Father's love for us and live in close relationship to Him. Only secure spiritual fathers, who are totally convinced that the heavenly Father loves them, can pass on a healthy spiritual inheritance to the next generation.

Why do you think Jesus' disciples turned the world upside down in a few short years? They did not change the world because they attended all the right seminars but because they lived in close, intimate relationship with the right Person! Let's look at how two of Jesus' friends, John and Mark, became fathers to the next generation of believers as they grew secure in the love of their heavenly Father.

Secure to love unconditionally

The scripture shows us that John and Jesus enjoyed an intimate, special friendship. John himself (the writer of the gospel of John) declares repeatedly that he was the disciple "whom Jesus loved.” At the Passover supper, as was customary of the Greeks and Romans at mealtime, he was in a reclining position beside Jesus, "leaning on Jesus' bosom”1 and he refers to himself as "the disciple whom Jesus loved.” While standing near the cross during Jesus' crucifixion, John refers to himself as the "one whom Jesus loved”2. At the scene of the resurrection, John again declares himself as the "one whom Jesus loved.”3John called himself "the disciple whom Jesus loved” when he told Peter, "It is the Lord!” after Jesus' resurrection.4 When Jesus exhorted Peter regarding how he would die, Peter asked (referring to John), "What about him?” and again John refers to himself as "the disciple Jesus loved.”5

John was totally convinced that he was accepted and loved by Jesus! He knew Jesus like a brother and was a devoted friend. It is clear that he was secure in the love of his Master. How did he get to this place in his life? It did not happen overnight. Jesus slowly nurtured change in John's life while bringing him the honor and recognition as being "the disciple Jesus loved.”

Initially, before he matured, John's actions were less than desirable.He was hungry for status and power and seemed to have quite a few rough edges. John and his brother James were nicknamed"sons of thunder.”6 I picture them as tough guys, maybe the equivalent of a modern day motorcycle gang. These brothers probably had powerful and fiery temperaments. When the Samaritans refused to allow Jesus and His disciples to come through their village, they asked Jesus if they could order fire down from heaven to burn up this village of inhospitable Samaritans.7 At this point in John's life, he certainly was not modeling the Spirit of Christ!

Another time, John and his brother earned the anger of the other disciples by asking if they could sit on Jesus' right and left hand in glory.8 In fact, in one case, they sent their mother to implore Jesus for special favors, showing signs of insecurity and self-seeking. Another time, John saw a man driving out demons in Jesus' name, but the man was not a part of "their group.”9 In John's insecurity, he tried to stop the demon exorciser. Jesus rebuked John for his sectarian attitude.

Later, however, we see that John imparts the Holy Spirit to Philip's converts in Samaria, the very place he impetuously wanted to call down fire on those who refused to hear the gospel. Apparently, something happened. As John spent more time with Jesus, his viewpoint changed. Being exposed to Jesus' extravagant love changed John.

One day Jesus told His disciples the secret of His love for them: "As the Father has loved Me, I also have loved you...” (John 15:9). What an amazing promise! John received a revelation from Jesus that the Lord loved him just as much as the Father loved Jesus. In addition, the same promise applies to you and me. Imagine that! We are totally loved by God!

Secure to serve

John also learned how to humbly serve. Jesus asked him to prepare the Passover supper,10 and he did it willingly. From this, we can see the complete transformation of grace on his life. He was no longer asking for special favors, but instead was willing to serve. Like John, we need to be willing to serve the Lord in any capacity in which He asks us. When we know God loves us unconditionally, we will be willing to do whatever He says and serve wherever He wants.

The Lord taught John that love knew no bounds and should be extended even to those initially antagonistic to the gospel--like the Samaritans. Getting to know Jesus intimately caused John to love as Jesus loved--unconditionally and fully. John wrote the first, second and third epistles of John, and they are sometimes called the "books of love” because they are written from the heart of a father. By this time in his life, John was thoroughly secure in his Father's love. Even when John was exiled to the Isle of Patmos later in his life, where he wrote the book of Revelation, he did not complain because he knew God loved him! Jesus molded John into a revered and loved disciple.

Secure when facing discouragement

During the early 1990's, I went through a season when I felt like a failure in ministry and leadership. Although I had served as the pastor of a rapidly growing church, I wanted to quit. With all of the outward success, I was tired, felt unappreciated and misunderstood. I felt it would be much easier to leave church leadership behind and go back into the business world.

In the midst of my struggle, I stopped in to see Steve Prokopchak, our staff counselor. I asked him for his evaluation as to why I was not able to lead in a way that some on our team felt was appropriate. Steve gently offered me some kind advice, and then encouraged me to listen to a cassette tape that he felt would be helpful.

A few days later, as I was driving down the road, I popped the cassette into my tape player to see what the speaker had to say. The speaker immediately caught my attention. He started speaking about leaders who have a "messiah complex,” feeling they need to have all the answers and be everyone's savior. I was glued to the speaker's words.

Then it dawned on me, I was the speaker on the tape! I rarely listened to myself on tape and had not immediately recognized my own voice. It all came back to me--I had taught a pastors' training course at our church a year before, and on this cassette tape I was encouraging these future pastors to recognize the Lord as the only One who can ultimately meet their needs. I had not taken my own medicine, and I was paying for it!

At Steve's advice and the affirmation of the leadership team of our church, I took a three-month's sabbatical. It took me about five weeks to just feel like a real person again. But during these three months off, I received the revelation from the Lord that my entire significance and security did not come from what I did or from what people thought of me, but instead it came from the fact that Jesus loved me, period! God loved me just because He loved me, not because of what I did!

Secure whether or not other people affirm us

Although I had known this to be theologically correct for years, it had never really sunk into my spirit. The song I had learned as a child: "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so” took on new meaning to me. I was changed! Whether or not people liked me or affirmed me was no longer an issue (of course it is still nice when they do), because I knew God loved me!

I keenly remember pacing back and forth in a cabin in the mountains during this time of my sabbatical, reading aloud from the scriptures over and over again: "I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; be not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand...For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you'” (Isaiah 41:9b,10,13).

During this time of near burnout and disillusionment, the greatest revelation I received from the Lord was that He loved me. Period. He had not rejected me. Regardless of what others may have felt about me (real or imagined), He still loved me! I learned that my significance comes from His love for me, and from His love for me alone. I was now whole because I had personally experienced the Father's love in a new way, so that I could become a spiritually and emotionally healthy spiritual father to others. I did not need the affirmation of others; I had already received the affirmation of my Father in heaven.

Jesus' love relationship with His disciple John displays the unequivocal importance of developing a close friendship with God. And it all starts with us knowing that "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” It is so simple, yet so powerful!

Secure and forgiven

Mark must have known that Jesus loved him, but like us, it appears as if he did not always understand the perfect love of Jesus. In the Garden of Gethsemane when things got rough, fear caused him to desert Jesus, along with the other disciples when the mob came to take Jesus away.11 Another time, Mark deserted Paul, the apostle, on his first missionary trip.12 Therefore, at the start of another missionary journey, Paul refused to allow Mark to accompany him. This caused a rift between Barnabas and Paul,13 with Paul rejecting Mark and Barnabas choosing to take Mark with him.

Imagine being the person responsible for splitting up the greatest missionary church planting team in the New Testament! Nevertheless, somewhere along the way, Mark experienced his heavenly Father's love as well as the love of his spiritual fathers--Barnabas and Peter. Apparently, Mark later changed his conduct and Paul forgave his wavering ways, telling the Colossian church to welcome Mark.14 Later Paul asks for Mark to come to help him,15 showing that he was reconciled to him.

Secure and useful in God's service

I believe Mark changed from a deserter to a faithful and useful servant of Christ because he received a revelation that Jesus loved him unconditionally. It helped that he also had a praying mother; her house was home for many praying people,16 including Peter, another of Mark's spiritual fathers (Peter calls him a "son”17). It appears as if Mark lived in a single parent home, because his natural father is never mentioned and the scriptures only speak of his mother's home.

The combination of a growing intimacy with the Father and the nurturing aspect of spiritual fathers in Mark's life caused him to grow up spiritually. When we become intimate with our heavenly Father and are willing to be encouraged by faithful mentors, we too will be molded into the kind of people useful for service in God's kingdom. Knowing the Father changes us and matures us into spiritual adulthood. Experiencing His love causes us to grow from spiritual babies, to spiritual young men and women, and encourages us to take the next step to becoming spiritual parents.

We can be eternally grateful that Mark did not quit. Because he experienced the Father's unconditional love, he gave us the book of Mark! This is the only book of the four gospels that records Jesus powerful words, "...these signs will follow those who believe...” (Mark 16:17).

Secure to give love away

It is not enough to know that the key to being a spiritual father is to experience His perfect love. We must also be willing to give that love away just as God did: "God so loved the world that He gave...” Giving love away helps us to live up to our full potential in God. It releases the joy of the Lord in our lives! How do we give love away? We give love away by modeling God's love as we point our spiritual children to Jesus. In this way, love can be multiplied through them.

When our spiritual children see that we know the Father, they will want that same loving relationship for themselves. In this role, spiritual fathers and mothers show their sons and daughters the Father in heaven. They see, by our prayer life and intimacy with the Lord, that we are in love with Jesus. They will want to experience firsthand the blessed reality of knowing their heavenly Father loves them.

It is a divine privilege to model the love of Jesus.But we must be careful our spiritual children do not rely on us more than they rely on Jesus. Years ago, before I ever heard of the term "spiritual fathering,” I mentored some young men who wanted to grow in their new Christian lives. However, out of my zealousness, I provided too much security for them, rather than allowing them to discover how to place their total trust in Jesus. They started looking to me for that which only our Father in heaven could give them. Our mentoring relationship became an unhealthy bondage.

Looking to any leader for all the answers and putting him up on a spiritual pedestal is dangerous, because he is likely to fall off at one point or another! No wonder those I mentored become disillusioned and wounded; I did not have all the answers and I made mistakes.

I learned a valuable lesson about the delicate balance of pointing people to the Father while mentoring them to grow spiritually. We can mentor effectively only if we rely totally on God's grace and constantly direct our spiritual children to Jesus. In this way, they become entirely dependent on Him, not us.

We can never get our emotional and spiritual needs met by the love of a spiritual father. We must know our heavenly Father and experience His love and unconditional acceptance. Similarly, we can never get our needs met by the affirmation of our spiritual sons and daughters. These wrong expectations cause dysfunctional spiritual parenting. We must trust the Father in heaven for His affirmation.

My wife can never completely meet my needs: only Jesus can. However, as I am fulfilled in Him, our relationship takes on a new level of mutual blessing and love.

In the same way, we must have a vital relationship with our heavenly Father to be effective as spiritual parents, or we will minister out of a wrong spirit. The most important role of a spiritual father or mother is to direct others to Jesus!

A close personal relationship with Jesus will keep our spiritual children safe from harm, because their foundation will be strong. Charles Spurgeon once said, "The sheep are never so safe from the wolf as when they are near the shepherd.”

Strive for a healed relationship with your natural father

Recently, while visiting in the home of a well-known Christian leader now in his seventies, I asked him, "You have been a spiritual father for years. I am 25 years younger than you. What is one thing that you could tell me now that could be significant as I reach out to help others?”

He did not even hesitate. "I would not place anyone in leadership unless I knew they had a healed relationship with their earthly father. There is a direct relationship between our relationship with our earthly father, and our ability to be a spiritual father.”Our relationship with our parents greatly affects our present and future relationships.

Family counselors' offices are filled with people struggling with what happened in their relationships with their parents. Some of us have grown up in dysfunctional homes and have been hurt or abused by earthly parents. Nevertheless, when we come to Christ, we begin a new relationship with a new father--our heavenly Father. Our heavenly Father is not dysfunctional! He will never take advantage of us. He always loves us and believes in us unconditionally!

In the next two chapters, we will look at dysfunctions that hinder us from healthy spiritual fathering and discover how to receive healing to restore us back to the Father and into healthy father-son and mother-daughter relationships.

Notes

1John 13:23

2John 19:26

3John 20:2

4John 21:7

5John 21:20-23

6Mark 3:17

7Luke 9:54

8Mark 10:35-45

9Luke 9:49-50

10Luke 22:8

11 Mark 14:50

12 Acts 13:13

13 Acts 15:38-40

14 Colossians 4:10

15 II Timothy 4:11

16 Acts 12:12

17I Peter 5:13

Last modified: Thursday, August 9, 2018, 1:03 PM