C h a p t e r7

Hindrances To
Spiritual Fathering

What keeps us from experiencing
authentic relationships?

O

ne Saturday morning my six-year-old daughter Leticia begged
me to make her pancakes for breakfast. Her mother and sisters
were gone for the morning, and she was stuck with me as the potential cook for the family. With my cooking skills being what they are, I pleaded with her, "Please, Leticia, couldn't you just eat cereal today?” She persisted, so I obliged. Half asleep, I read the instructions incorrectly, and the end product looked unfit for human consumption! I asked her again to please eat cereal. She again staunchly persisted. This time the oil in the pan caught on fire! We had to later repaint the blackened spot the fire left on the ceiling. It was not the start to a good day.

"Please try again, Daddy,” Leticia implored me with her big blue eyes. How could I resist? I decided just to ignore the instructions. This time, without following the recipe on the side of the box, I got milk and eggs out of the refrigerator and began to mix any ingredients I could find that I thought would work. Amazingly enough, the concoction looked edible. Thankfully, I slid the golden pancakes, with lots of syrup, onto a plate and placed them in front of Leticia. I will never forget her response. She took one bite of my freshly made pancakes, looked up at me with a mixture of despair and disappointment in her eyes and said, "Daddy, may I have cereal, please?”

Leticia grew tired of watching her daddy try to make pancakes over and over again and, because of misreading the directions, notproducing edible results. She eventually gave up and decided to go back to something "safe” and easy--cereal! Today, I meet people throughout the body of Christ who have given up because of complicated and unpredictable situations that have come up in spiritual parenting relationships. Any person who is a natural parent knows that raising healthy children has its difficulties. Parents do not bring their children to a place of maturity without some failures along the way.

Sometimes spiritual fathers and mothers, and sons and daughters, too, find themselves in discordant relationships and quit. It is not that the spiritual parents did not try. Perhaps they read the scriptural directions wrongly, and the relationship with their son or daughter flopped. Or maybe a spiritual son or daughter was mentored by a spiritual parent who sought to control rather than encourage. These relationships will finally blow up because they are unhealthy. Yet, by giving up entirely on all spiritual parenting relationships because some do not work out is like throwing the baby out with the bath water!

Not living according to the manufacturer's instructions

I believe the church today is filled with people who want to be spiritual parents. They have the desire to influence the future by passing on a godly legacy but they find themselves unable to do so. You could say these people are not living according to the manufacturer's instructions. Hurts from the past, sin, insecurities or dysfunctional role models stunt them spiritually, preventing them from reaching out to others.

It is a fact that people have a tendency to get off track spiritually. I remember playing with a model electric train as a kid, and time and time again the train would round a corner and fly off the track, lying helpless on its side, spinning its wheels. It could not possibly get back on the tracks without outside help. It was only when I picked up the train and gently set it on the tracks that it could run again. When we allow Him, our Father God will pick us up when we get derailed spiritually and place us back on track. Only then can we arrive at the destination that God intended for us. The Lord is a great Redeemer! He wants to heal the hurts and help believers recover what Satan has tried to steal from them.

Not believing the past can be redeemed and restored

In the first chapter of Matthew, we read the genealogy of Jesus. Why was this very long list of "begats” included in God's Word? This was included for a number of reasons, including that it demonstrates that people, specifically families, are important to God. It also shows that a family can learn from both the successes and failures of its members.

Jesus' genealogy includes Rahab, a former prostitute who delivered the wicked city of Jericho to the Israelites. Her salvation is evidence that God redeems and restores future generations when even one individual turns to God in faith. Even an ungodly family member can be redeemed and the entire next generation can be turned to the Lord.

We must build on the shoulders of those who have gone before us, regardless of the mistakes they may have made. We need to live in a posture of praise to the Lord for those who birthed us and nourished us both naturally and spiritually. We have to purpose in our hearts that, by the grace of God, we will be a positive influence to the next generation.

God wants families to pass on a blessing to the next generation. The Bible is a book recorded for the generations. It is a record of the rich inheritance of relationships down through the generations. God honors and places importance on a family's lineage because each family has a unique story to tell. The people included in Jesus' genealogy had a part in seeing Jesus trained and fathered for thirty years on earth. God the Father put Jesus on loan to Joseph and Mary so they could train him. Jesus' "foster” father, Joseph, trained him in a carpenter's shop. In order for Joseph to be obedient to train Jesus, there had to be faithful individuals in his lineage who passed on a legacy of training. The life of Jesus was based on previous generations and had a direct bearing on His ministry.

In the same way, if we are topass on an "inheritance” to others, we must receive a spiritual blessing from generations past. We need healthy spiritual fathers and mothers to deposit a rich inheritance into spiritual sons and daughters.

Spiritual parents should expect their spiritual children to grow far beyond them spiritually, just as Jesus expected His followers to go further than He went: "Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do...” (John 14:12). Jesus knew His followers would have an even greater scope of ministry than He had. Thousands of converts would be produced in the first century of the church making a deep impression on mankind. God is a Father who expects His children of each generation to pass on a spiritual inheritance that has an increasinglyfar-reaching effect and scope.

Not passing on what God has given us

If spiritual blessings are not passed on to our spiritual children, the next generation is in danger of losing everything. When God's people took possession of the Promised Land, they served the Lord as long as the leaders set good examples for them and gave them godly instructions. But when Joshua and the elders of that generation died, the children of Israel forgot the mercies of God to Israel: "When all that generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation arose after them who did not know the Lord nor the work which He had done for Israel” (Judges 2:10).

Apparently, Joshua and the elders had not trained others to pass on a continuing spiritual legacy. Without spiritual fathers to remind them of what the Lord had done for them when He brought them out of Canaan, the people turned away from God. They no longer remembered or cared about the nation's covenant to obey the Law of the Lord. A spiritual legacy was lost to the next generation because no one had "trained them, to train others...” which is the essence of spiritual parenting.

In his book, Disciple, Juan Carlos Ortiz says leaders must know how to release their people so they can grow spiritually:

But you know what happens in the modern church? We pastors stop somewhere along the way; we know how to administrate, to help, to have some healings, or even teach--but then we stop moving. We become corks. The sheep grow and grow and start jamming up behind us, unable to grow further until we grow some more ourselves. They keep listening to our sermons, and soon they know everything we know, and then we have nothing but a pressure chamber.

The pastor is not a cork intentionally; he is a victim of the structure like everyone else. It's always been done that way. If the pressure becomes great enough, the pastor gets uncomfortable enough to ask the bishop for a transfer. So the bishop takes out one cork and replaces him with another!

If it is a congregational denomination that doesn't have bishops, the problem is even worse. The pressure keeps building until the channel finally explodes and the cork flies out! He gets really banged up in the explosion, of course, sometimes so badly that he can no longer continue in the ministry.

All this is avoided, of course, if the pastor keeps on growing to apostleship and the sheep keep growing right behind him.

If a pastor is truly a father to his congregation, he cannot be changed (or exploded) every two or three years. What family changes fathers every two years? Maybe our churches are more like clubs that elect presidents for a certain term and then elect someone else. But if we are family, we are a family, we stay together. The father keeps turning over responsibility to his sons [and daughters] as they grow.1

Only a dysfunctional parent would keep his grown children at home in order to pay the bills when they are ready to marry and build a home of their own. A normal parent encourages his or her children to go and establish their own homes! In the same way, any spiritual leader who uses the people he should be serving to fulfill his own personal vision is dysfunctional. That means he is not functioning as a proper leader. Sadly, there are many in the church that find themselves confused because they have been hurt in the past by this kind of leadership.

As a teenager, my son Josh was responsible to mow the lawn each week, but that is not why the Lord gave him to me! He was being consistently trained so that he would be motivated to mow his own lawn in the future. We must pass on a healthy legacy to our spiritual children so they will be motivated to do the same.

Waiting until our needs are met

Don't wait until you find a spiritual father or mother--become one yourself! Waiting to get that wonderful spiritual father or mother who will nurture and love you perfectly before you reach out and parent others is like saying (of your natural childhood), "My childhood was terrible. I grew up in a mixed up family, so I can never have kids because I would be a terrible father.” This is simply not true! Each parent can begin with a clean slate. Parents must decide to learn from the past and make good choices along the way. If we wait until we receive all the spiritual nurturing we feel we need before we reach out to others, we will never become spiritual parents ourselves.

The scriptures tell us to: "Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days” (Ecclesiastes 11:1). Reaching out to parent another may look like you are throwing away your chance for having your own needs met, but by sowing into others' lives, we are promised to reap a return. After having experienced the lack of a spiritual father in my life for about ten years, I made the decision to be a spiritual father to others. And amazingly enough, as I reached out to others and became a spiritual father to them, the Lord brought spiritual fathers into my own life.

The Lord is a great Redeemer. He is waiting for us to stand up and be used even if we have a lot more to learn. God will take us right where we are at and then use us. We cannot afford to stunt our spiritual growth and languish on the sidelines. We may as well give ourselves room to make some mistakes, because we probably will!

Do you know any natural parents who have not made any mistakes? Of course not! Yet, God gives grace to parents who place their faith and confidence in Him. The Lord will be there to cover the blunders you may make as a spiritual parent.

We can make a difference for generations to come if we break the curse of the past and move on to model Jesus' example of spiritual parenting. I meet many Christians today who lacked a decent role model for fathering.Although they witnessed dysfunctional, faulty father images while growing up, they allowed the Lord to mold them into godly role models for their own children. They broke from their past!

A negative parenting role model is no excuse for us to continue to pass on bad parenting. God is a Father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5). He loves us and will teach us to be healthy parents. As we pour our lives into people, and love them with the love of Jesus, we will begin to model positive family patterns.

What hinders you?

In the following paragraphs, let's look at areas that keep people from developing into spiritual fathers and mothers. Think about your own life. What are some of the things that hinder you from becoming a spiritual father or mother? If you find yourself in one of these categories, don't sit passively by. Endeavor to do what it takes to become a spiritual father or mother. You can help fill the desperate need. You can pass on to your natural and spiritual children a spiritual legacy and have a continuing impact on future generations.

Ignorance keeps many from becoming spiritual fathers or mothers today. Many dedicated Christian believers either never heard of spiritual parenting or they do not understand its concept. Paul told the church at Athens that God overlooks ignorance, but when the truth is made known, people need to repent and change their ways: "Truly, these times of ignorance God overlooked, but now commands all men everywhere to repent” (Acts 17:30). Today's church needs to wake up to the need for spiritual parenting. When we finally understand that God is a God of families and wants each person simply to be a spiritual dad or mom to another person(s), we understand spiritual fathering. No longer ignorant, we are now responsible!

I was ministering at a church, teaching on the truths of spiritual parenting and cell group ministry, when a young lawyer came to me after the meeting. He said enthusiastically, "I want to be a spiritual parent. It all makes sense. I can do that! I can be a spiritual father to a small group of people who want to grow in God.” I encouraged him to speak to his pastor about his desire to serve in this way. I later spoke to the lawyer's pastor, and told him of the young man's enthusiasm.

The pastor said with a big smile, "I've been trying to get him to take leadership of a small group of believers for a long time!” At last, the young man had his spiritual eyes opened to spiritual parenting. He had received a revelation of spiritual parenting from the Lord!

Jesus asked His disciples: "Who do men say that I, the Son of Man, am?”

Peter replied, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

Jesus then told Peter clearly: "...flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 16:13,16,17).

In the same way that Peter received a revelation from his Father in heaven, we each need a revelation from the Lord regarding spiritual parenting, or we just set up a new "spiritual parenting program.” Becoming a spiritual father and mother is a life message, not a new church program.

This young lawyer now saw clearly that he did not have to start a program, but he could simply become a "dad.” He had faith in his heart that could accomplish it, being aware that dads learn by trial and error as they have kids of their own. He did not have to be perfect, but he would learn along the way. The young lawyer's pastor became a mentor to him--a spiritual father and friend. He went on to learn how to be a spiritual dad as he loved his spiritual children and desired the best for them.

Apathy is another reason for a lack of spiritual fathering today. Many Christians get so caught up in the things of the world: making a living, taking their kids to soccer games, golfing, and participating in civic activities, feeling they have no time to be a spiritual father or mother. As good as these things may be, they do not take the place of the faith-building, deeply satisfying adventure of helping other believers grow in Christ.

When people become wrapped up in their own lives and selfish desires, they become apathetic to the things of God. Revelation 3:19, in the Living Bible, tells us clearly to "turn [repent] from your indifference and become enthusiastic about the things of God.”

As we repent of apathy in Jesus' name, the Lord will give us grace and wisdom to take others with us as we go about our daily lives. Jesus called His disciples first and foremost "to be with Him.” Our spiritual sons and daughters learn much more by watching us live our lives in Christ before them than by listening to our "sermons.” It is easier than you think to accommodate others into your daily activities. How about if you are going to play golf? Take your spiritual son along! If you are going to go shopping, take one of your spiritual daughters with you. I seldom travel alone. I value the time I have with various spiritual sons whom I invite to join me on trips throughout the world.

Insecurity tempts a person to think, "How could God ever use me? I do not know how to be a spiritual parent. I'm afraid. I don't know the Bible well enough. I need to get my life more together.” If you feel this way, you have a lot of company.

Moses told the Lord he could not speak properly. Jeremiah told the Lord he was too young. Joshua was scared, and the Lord kept reassuring him to be of good courage and that he would be with him just as he was with his "father” Moses. Gideon thought he was brought up in the wrong family for the Lord to use him. The list goes on and on.

Maybe you did not go to seminary or Bible school, but the little you know is certainly more than the spiritual baby in Christ you are reaching out to. Even Paul, the apostle, admitted to the Corinthian church that he had a deep sense of his own weaknesses that caused him to feel fearful and inadequate: "And I, brethren, when I came to you, did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom declaring to you the testimony of God...I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling.” (I Corinthians 2:1,3). Nevertheless, Paul goes on to declare that although his speech was not persuasive, the Holy Spirit's power was in his words.

II Timothy 1:7 says it another way, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Insecurities will keep us paralyzed, and we will never move beyond our comfort zone. However, if we trust God, He will allow us to use our gifts and even increase them to help others. He will give us courage and resolution. God's love will always win over the fear of man.

A lack of modeling may cause us to wait on the sidelines because we have no idea how to parent. Perhaps we never had a parent to guide us--natural or spiritual.

I recently read a book for dads about training their sons to grow up to be men of God. The man who wrote this book tells how he grew up with a dad who was drunk most of the time. He had a father positionally, but emotionally his father was not involved in his life. The author refused to allow his painful childhood to be an excuse not to be a good father to his own children. When he came to Christ and later had children of his own, he made a commitment to train a whole new generation of fathers to train their sons for God. Today, as a writer and pastor, he uses his platform to explain how the curse of a dysfunctional family can be broken when a person comes to Christ and walks in freedom. We cannot allow our perceptions to be distorted by poorly modeled examples. By faith, we must press on and overcome so we can demonstrate to our children a better way.

Remember, God is a perfect Father! He is the model of a father who loves us perfectly and believes the best about us. No matter what we have done, we are accepted and loved by our heavenly Father.

Impatience will cause us to quit when we don't see quick results. Believing we will have instant success is contrary to the scriptural principle of sowing and reaping. It is often hard work for spiritual fathers or mothers to nurture and train spiritual babies before they can grow up to care for themselves and eventually become spiritual parents.

There are three stages to the fulfillment of any vision, including the vision to become an effective spiritual parent: (1) the honeymoon stage, (2) the trial (test) stage where you feel like quitting, and (3) the fruitfulness stage.

The Bible is filled with examples of those who started with an exciting vision, refused to quit during the trial stage, and then experienced great fruitfulness. The story of Joseph is one of the best. After having a dream that his brothers would bow down to him, he encountered trial after trial. Joseph was sold as a slave by his brothers, lied about by his employer's wife, imprisoned while innocent, forgotten in prison, and yet he became second in command of all of Egypt overnight! He entered the stage of great fruitfulness as he refused to give up during the hard season of his life.

God used this stage of trial in Joseph's life to make him into the man of character He had called him to be. He could then be a blessing to his brothers who had treated him so wrongly just a few years before. Joseph passed the test! Many quit during the test period and never experience the stage of fruitfulness the Lord has planned for them.

The Lord is much more concerned about what He is doing in you than about you reaching your final goal in your spiritual parenting relationship. He wants you to depend on Him and on His power in the here and now. Oswald Chambers once said, "If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish--His purpose is the process itself.”2 The Lord is calling us to complete dependency on Him as we persevere in our parenting relationships.

Fear of our mistakes can hinder us. Bob Mumford once said, "I do not trust anyone unless he walks with a limp.” I often feel the same way about those whom I meet. Jacob, after wrestling with the Lord and demanding His blessing, was touched in his thigh and received the Lord's blessing. But from that day on, he walked with a limp. When God lovingly deals with us in the difficult times, we walk with a spiritual limp the rest of our lives. This is the stuff true spiritual fathers are made of.

When I was young, I thought I had all of the answers. Now, as I turn 50 this year, I realize how much I do not know. I am totally convinced that if God does not show up, it is all over for me! But it is such a good place to be!

Peter, Jesus' disciple who became an apostle of the New Testament church, after denying Jesus, and experiencing His complete acceptance and forgiveness, lost his abrasiveness and became a true father in the faith. He now "walked with a limp.”

Many times, we make our share of mistakes while parenting. But we cannot become weary. We may be doing all the right things, but problems still arise. We may be tempted to go back to something easier than dealing with the shortcomings of humanity. Spiritual fathering and mothering is not easy. However, it is rewarding. Even Jesus dealt with problems while fathering the twelve. They all left Him in the Garden of Gethsemane. He felt alone and forsaken. But He knew the last chapter was not yet written! Fifty days later, Peter stood with the eleven and preached at Pentecost, and three thousand people came to faith in Christ. The New Testament church began to grow exponentially.

Hurts from the past hinder some from developing into a spiritual father or mother: "I've tried to be a spiritual dad to someone, and I was hurt. I don't want to be hurt again.” Well, I have news for you--you probably will get hurt again! If you are a natural parent, you will know that you sometimes experience pain and disappointment as you raise your kids. With spiritual kids, taking initiative requires taking risks. They will not always like what you have to say. They can be tiresome or forget appointments. They may sometimes act like they don't care.

Paul, the apostle, a spiritual father to many, tells us in II Timothy 4:16, that his children abandoned him when he was in a real pinch. He had to appear before the emperor, and the Christians at Rome were afraid, so they deserted him: "At my first defense no one stood with me, but all forsook me. May it not be charged against them.”

Paul could have been deeply hurt from the abandonment of his followers, but he chose to not count it against them. Jesus' followers abandoned Him too. They ran in terror into the night when the mob came with their torches and weapons to take Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. But Christ forgave them. Even God, Himself, was abandoned by one third of his staff when Lucifer rebelled and was thrown out of heaven.

The inconsistent or irritating behavior in our spiritual children may come from a deep struggle in their lives to overcome a stubborn sin. Don't throw in the towel just yet. Look beyond the superficial symptoms and be willing to take the risk to challenge your spiritual son or daughter to face his or her problem and then lay it at the foot of the cross. After all, it is God's problem. Trust Him to raise His child His way. You are only responsible to be a consistent and gentle coach.

You may have some discouraging and frustrating times as a spiritual parent, but you will learn to lean wholly on the Lord. The last chapter in your son or daughter's life has not yet been written. Spiritual fathering and mothering is an ongoing legacy that bears fruit through consistent, loving cultivation.

Abuse of authority can warp the entire concept of spiritual fathering and mothering. Spiritual fathers and mothers are not dominating authority figures that coerce their children into submission. They must tread lightly as they point their spiritual children to Jesus. I like how Floyd McClung describes the much needed balance we need to exercise in the area of spiritual fathering and mothering in his book, The Father Heart of God:

Godly fathers want to serve others, and treat all men and women as their equals. Their actions proceed from an attitude of equality, not authority, because they are more concerned with serving than ruling. The following chart helps point out the differences between the two approaches:

Biblical authority is never taken; it is offered...It comes from the anointing of God's Spirit and is the sum total of one's character, wisdom, spiritual gift, and servant attitude. Fathers in the Lord understand these principles about authority. They know the character of the Father, so they are relaxed in their ministry to other people...they have learned to take action as God directs, and not just because they are "the leader.”3

Healthy spiritual fathers earn the right to speak into their sons' lives because they do so with the heart of a servant, affirming and encouraging them in their walk with Christ. A level of trust is built over time in a balanced relationship that encourages sons and daughters to be dependent on God.

Perhaps you feel hindered by some of the experiences you had as you grew up spiritually. Maybe you were abused, hurt, disappointed, held back, or lacked a healthy role model to follow. The Lord has a great plan for you! You can be restored!

In the next chapter we will look at how our Lord is restoring His people. He is placing the "burned stones” back on His wall of service as healed, completely functional and restored spiritual parents.

Notes

1 Juan Carlos Ortiz, Disciple, (Florida: Creation House, 1975), p. 97.

2Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Discovery House, 1992), July 28.

3 Floyd McClung, The Father Heart of God, (Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 1985), pp. 129-131.

Last modified: Thursday, August 9, 2018, 1:04 PM