Reading: The Cry For Spiritual Fathers and Mothers: Chapter 10 Let’s Get Practical

C h a p t e r1 0

Let's Get Practical

Principles to help you build relationships

es is on the pastoral team of one of our churches in Pennsylvania.
He is eternally grateful to a man who encouraged him when he
encountered Christ as a young adult: "My life was dramatically changed when I came to Christ, and I started attending a church, but a few months later, after attending every church meeting and activity I could find within the church walls, I still felt disconnected and insecure in my faith. Everyone else seemed to have it all together. Sure, I was learning a lot and had made many friends, but initially I had no one I really trusted to ask those soul-searching questions that nagged and threatened to destroy my newly found faith. I really was at a loss to know how to apply the truth of God's Word to my life.

"If it had not been for a 77-year-old spiritual father from my church who took a special interest in me, I would have probably thrown in the towel. But this elderly man patiently answered my searching questions as he sacrificially devoted hours explaining the scriptures to me. In addition, he spent time just being my friend. Through the mentoring of my first spiritual dad, I was firmly planted in God's Word and grew spiritually strong.

"I am convinced that this man and the subsequent spiritual fathers the Lord brought into my life were key factors in my maturing process in Christ. I clearly remember the night one of my spiritual fathers called me on the phone and asked me to go with him to pray for a sick man from our church. I had never done this before. As we walked into the man's home, my spiritual father handed me a bottle of oil so we could pray for him, anointing him with oil according to James, chapter 5. I opened the bottle, and dumped the whole bottle of oil on him. The poor guy had oil running down over his face onto his shoulders. I almost drowned him!

"On the way home that evening, my spiritual father gently advised me, 'Lester, next time, go a bit light on the oil!' He treated me like a son and loved me unconditionally even when I made mistakes. I learned by practical demonstration the importance of training others by example.

"These caring father-son relationships carried me through my first years as a Christian. My spiritual fathers 'passed the baton' to me, depositing in me a desire to be a father to others. I am so grateful.”

Les determined he would take the biblical challenge to give his life to others and copy his spiritual fathers' examples. Today, Les is a pastor who challenges all believers to demonstrate the love of God in action by developing vital relationships with younger Christians, and in doing so, perpetuates a legacy of spiritual parenting.

Each one fathers one

By shadowing mentors in their daily lives, a spiritual son or daughter can learn the basics of spiritual fathering quickly and easily. It is the start of a powerful legacy to pass on. We have to remember that legacies come after the fact. If we dwell on the end results of spiritual fathering, we could get overwhelmed.

Spiritual fathering is a process, and sometimes a long one! But as "each one fathers one” our efforts are multiplied. The unique teaching methods of Dr. Frank Laubach give us an idea how this form of multiplication could work for spiritual fathering:

Dr. Frank Laubach's epitaph ascribes to him the following title: "The man who taught the world to read.” Dr. Laubach popularized the phrase "each one teach one.” Via his simple four-word strategy of teaching one person to read under the condition that each would teach another to read, several million people have now experienced the thrill and freedom of reading for the first time. The chain continues to this day, long after his death. Today the Laubach Method has more than eighty thousand volunteers worldwide.

Pause for sixty seconds and try to imagine the implications of this: You mentor 12, who mentor 12, equaling 144!

who mentor 12, equaling 1,728!

who mentor 12, equaling 20,736!

who mentor 12, equaling 248,832!

who mentor 12, equaling 2,985,984!

Is an unbroken chain of mentors realistic? Probably not! But the point is clear. Even if only a small fraction of protégés follow through by mentoring someone else, a significant difference will be made in the number of leaders in the next centuries--or until the Lord returns!¹

You can mentor and be mentored at the same time

The potential of spiritual parenting is phenomenal! Multiplication means to grow and increase by number, and that is exactly what happens. Quite naturally, in spiritual family relationships, spiritual babies grow into young men or women and finally become spiritual fathers or mothers themselves. And before you know it, a spiritual legacy is created. The phenomenal result of spiritual parenting is the multiplication that occurs. Why does it work so well? The process multiplies with exponential force because you do not have to wait until you are a spiritual giant in order to be a spiritual father or mother--you can mentor and be mentored at the same time. Since you can have a spiritual father and be a spiritual father simultaneously, spiritual fathers and mothers are constantly released.

Now that you know you are called to be a spiritual parent, how do you go about doing it? Let's begin by looking at our calling and three key principles of parenting that will help us along the way.

Know you are called

First of all, spiritual parenting is voluntary and intentional. You must want to do it because you feel God's specific call on your life to help people grow in Christ. You must be committed to their success. Being a spiritual mom or dad is not a duty; it is a privilege. Did you ever notice how many times Paul, the apostle, opened his letters with an expression of gratitude for those he fathered in the Lord? The epistle of Paul to Titus greets Titus: "my true son in our common faith” (Titus 1:4). He saw people as gifts from the Lord to cherish and encourage. They were not a burden but a reason to rejoice.

Total dependence on the Lord is a prerequisite for spiritual parenting. Psalm 127 says, "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” Unless we know we are called and depend fully on the Lord to guide us as spiritual parents, our work and effort is in vain. It is God who builds the lives of our spiritual children. We are only tools in His hands. This same Bible chapter goes on to say that sons are a heritage from the Lord, born in one's youth. I believe this means we can start early! We don't have to wait until we have it all together to train spiritual sons and daughters. No one is ever completely ready to be a parent but we will learn along the way.

Be available as the Lord leads

After you know you are called to be a spiritual father or mother, you have to intentionally go about your task--that of making yourself available. To invest our lives in another person, we must not be so busy that it becomes next to impossible. The desire to mentor a spiritual son or daughter needs to come out of a deep and passionate love relationship with Jesus that spills over into a willingness to make time to serve and love unconditionally.

Three keys to spiritual parenting principles

I believe there are three keys to open up the door of discovery to valuable spiritual parenting principles. In a nutshell, you could say your task as a spiritual parent is to "initiate, build and release.” Parents must first find their spiritual children (initiate the relationship), then nurture and provide for them (build and encourage their lives) and lastly release them to do the same thing.

1. Initiate the relationship

Jesus initiated the relationships with His disciples, seeking twelve men out of seventy to be His key disciples. Whether you are a potential spiritual father or a son or both, the first place to begin a relationship is on your knees in prayer. Begin by praying that God will reveal to you the person you should mentor or who should mentor you. This person may be in a small group you attend, someone in your local church or at your workplace, or someone involved in ministry with you. Then dare to make the first move. The initiating of the relationship can go either way. The father can ask the son, or the son can ask the father. If it is God's will, He will put the relationship together in His timing.

The relationship must be mutual. The relationship, of course, must be mutual. There must be a sense on both sides that God is asking for a mutual investment in the relationship. Both parent and child must recognize their need for the relationship: "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3). When there is mutual faith for the relationship (Romans 14:23), we will be assured of its healthy existence because it will be God-ordained. If we believe we are called to a spiritual father-son relationship with someone and he does not feel the same way, we must lay it down. Perhaps the timing is wrong. The scriptures tell us we "know in part.” Maybe we did not hear from God clearly.

Computer matching? Not necessarily! Peter Bunton from England, served for years in YWAM and currently is our church family's international mission director. He has had years of experience in training and mentoring young people. He gives this advice about what to look for while initiating the relationship: "Often two people will be drawn together (often subconsciously) because of similar gifts and callings. However, a spiritual father or mother should be prepared to father or mother those of different personalities and gifts. Sometimes that very different person is needed to help spiritual sons or daughters learn other facets of their ministry. A test of a spiritual father's security is whether he can help someone more gifted than himself!”

I agree. It is a natural desire of parents to see greatness in their children--to make the world a better place! Likewise, a spiritual father should expect and desire his sons to go far beyond him spiritually. Whether the son already has many gifts or receives a new impartation from the father, it should be a spiritual father's greatest joy to see his children succeed.

Love: the pivotal point of the relationship. Regardless of their giftings, it is more important for the father and son to really enjoy and like being with each other than it is for them to be alike in giftings or personality. Look at the variety of leaders Jesus recruited.

I like how Gunter Krallman describes how and why Jesus recruited His followers: "As a leader Jesus knew that the success or failure of his mission would decisively depend on the selection of the right helpers. Thus he took the initiative in calling men to become disciples, a step as unprecedented in rabbinic tradition as the fact that he called them to follow not just his teaching but him as a person. Jesus did not merely recruit them for their intellectual benefit or for a task, he recruited them for a relationship.” ²

In other words, in addition to training them,Jesus also wanted to fellowship with them relationally. He loved them and enjoyed spending time with each one. He called the twelve that they might be with Him (Mark 3:14). Love will be the pivotal point on which a spiritual fathering relationship exists.

I also find it interesting to notice that although the word disciple is used 225 times in the gospels, Jesus only used it two times. Jesus preferred instead to use the word friends. More than wanting disciples or apprentices to train, Jesus wanted to be in relationship as a friend to the spiritual sons he was developing. He knew that you can impress people from a distance, but you can only affect their lives up close.

2. Build the relationship

In the course of Jesus' friendship with His disciples, He modeled practical spiritual fathering. For three and a half years, He focused on building--nurturing and preparing these twelve to fulfill the Lord's purpose for their lives. The disciples were His constant companions. From the mountains to the sea, from the temple gates to the Garden of Gethsemane, He modeled true fatherhood. Taking our cue from Jesus, after we find our spiritual son or daughter to mentor, we need to pro-actively build our relationship.

If the spiritual father does not already know his spiritual son very well, he will need to spend time with him. Getting to know someone takes intentional effort.

We may want to start out by spending time together doing something we both enjoy, like fishing or baking cookies. We could talk about where we came from, our current status, and our hopes and dreams for the future.

Discuss expectations. At the outset of the relationship, it is wise to discuss expectations. What are both sides looking for? How often will they meet? Is the relationship meant to be long-term or short-term? Are there already certain areas of life and ministry that the son or daughter needs to grow in? How often should the relationship be evaluated? Are there any major skeletons in the closet likely to come out? Be honest and open.

Create an atmosphere of trust and respect. The first step toward building a healthy relationship is to trust and respect each other. The son needs to be assured of his father's love for him. An atmosphere must be provided that allows him to be himself without fear of judgment or impatience on the father's part. I heard someone say once that God calls us to a higher form of love, a love that does not wait for people to change. Spiritual fathers and mothers will accept their sons and daughters as they are, even as they gently encourage them to grow.

It is caught more than taught. Spontaneous contact is important. Since mentoring is more caught than taught, informal interaction models the kingdom of God by showing how Christianity works in real life. In His everyday life, Jesus modeled the Christ-like character traits we need to emulate--compassion, wisdom, honesty, purity, etc. The people you are training need to see you in your everyday world and witness firsthand how you deal with life's situations. Open your home to them and let them observe your real-life family relationships and how you handle the situation when your teenager comes in past curfew. Invite them over for meals and make them feel a part of your family. Have them help you build storage shelves for your garage. Hang out together, golf together, shop together, eat together, fish together, bake together, weed the garden together, attend a sporting event together--as you spend time together, life issues will surface to discuss and learn from as we aim for Christ-likeness.

On-the-job training. The goal of spiritual parenting is to increase their children's effectiveness in the kingdom. If you are training someone for ministry, take them along to the hospital when you visit a sick member from your small group. Participate with them in an evangelism outreach to your community. Ask for their input in these ministry situations. What would they do differently if they were you? What are their observations?How can these observations be turned into ministry principles? This on-the-job training allows them to see and learn firsthand. Mistakes will be made. You can count on it. But remember, God is a God of second chances. If Jonah could receive a second chance, so can we!

Delegate assignments to the spiritual son or daughter after they have seen you do it. If there is a need for someone to be baptized in water, don't just do it yourself. Take your son along with you into the water. Then the next time there is a need for water baptism, you both go in the water, but this time, your son leads and you help him. And finally, the next time he can be responsible for the baptism himself and take along his spiritual son. Get the picture? Start with small things and increase to greater responsibilities.

As we observe our spiritual sons or daughters in their own ministry situations, it is important to evaluate them and give feedback, including areas for suggested growth and improvement. New leaders need to be allowed to lead and make their own mistakes. Listen to your spiritual son or daughter tell you about the "new,” successful idea that you have used a dozen times. Help them analyze "why” if they have failed. Encourage them to press on. Share with them the feelings of fear and inadequacy you have felt many times. Be vulnerable. This shows that you are interested in them as people.

3. Finally, release them!

After Jesus rose from the dead and just before He ascended into heaven, He encouraged the twelve to take on the responsibility of His church. By taking this action, Jesus set the example for us to release our spiritual sons to "go and do it.” We need not be afraid of this step. We will know when it is time. Remember, the heart of spiritual fathering is to develop leaders, and a spiritual father will know when they are ready to go out on their own. They are ready to fly out of the nest, so to speak, because we believe in them and have confidence in them. As spiritual parents, we have helped them discover and develop their gifts, and they are now controlled and energized by the Holy Spirit. They are prepared and equipped to parent the next generation.

Jesus sent out the seventy in Luke chapter 10 "to go and do it”! When they returned He exclaimed, "I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven.” Jesus witnessed the fact that His ministry was multiplied by seventy times, and it had confounded the work of the enemy. As I mentioned before, Jesus promises that we will do greater works than He did because He has gone to the Father (John 14:12).

What are the greater works? Part of the answer is the multiplication of the ministry of Jesus through each of His spiritual children. And He calls us to do the same! He wants us to experience the joy of multiplication of His ministry as we become spiritual parents to those whom the Lord has called us.

We must release them to reproduce!

While in Hawaii teaching a leadership-training seminar at Grace Bible Church in Honolulu, I met Norman Nakanishi. He had been sent out of this church a year before to plant a new church in neighboring Pearl City. This church plant had reached many young people with the gospel within the past two years, and seventy young people had given their lives to Christ within the past few weeks. I wanted to experience this dynamic ministry for myself, so Norman agreed to take me to a youth meeting before he dropped me off at the airport.

We jumped into Norman's station wagon and headed for the local school where the meeting was held. Inside the school, the lights were off except for the stage lights and the young people were singing wholeheartedly, worshiping the Lord with their arms outstretched. They meant business with God! After a time of worship, everyone sat down and the lights flicked on. The youth pastor grabbed the microphone, "Everyone needs to be in a power huddle,” he charged the group of new believers. "It is a place where you can get to know other kids. There are people to help you out when you have a problem or a question about your life with God.”

After the meeting, Norman explained the truth they discovered recently, "We are touching 225 young people, mostly from unsaved homes. We have found that these kids need relationships. So we started power huddles--cell groups for young people. We have found that the young people in power huddles are growing in God, while the young people that are not getting involved are having a hard time.”

With the heart of a spiritual parent, Norman revealed his strategy: "I've already explained to the church that I told our youth pastor he could plant a new church with these young people whenever he believes the time is right. I had to verbalize this, or else I might revert to keeping him here in order to help me build this church.”

Norman had learned the value of reaching the next generation and trusting them to reproduce themselves. There is a whole new generation of pastors, cell group leaders and church planters among us. They are enthusiastic and often unconventional. Though we parents may not always understand, we must always encourage them to dream big and allow God to use us to help them fulfill those dreams.

Empower the next generation

If you are a pastor or a Christian leader, let me take a moment and speak with you. We must commission this next generation to establish their own power huddles and their own new churches. We must not hold them back. Let's empower these young people. And then rejoice with them when they reproduce!

Many of the younger generation in our churches are sensing a desire to experience something new. They are no longer satisfied with the church structure in which they have lived. We need to release them to build their own homes and reproduce. A few years ago Rick Joyner from Charlotte, North Carolina, told a group of pastors in our city: "Pastors sometimes don't like having young stallions in their churches. They seem to cause too many problems. But only young stallions can reproduce. Resist the temptation to "fix” them so they cannot reproduce!”

A group of 18 to 35 year olds recently shared with me: "We like our churches and our pastors, but our present churches are not something we want to give our lives for. We lead cell groups, youth groups and serve in the church, but we do not want to do this our whole lives. God is calling us to something new--new kinds of churches. We are not even sure what it will look like, but we want the opportunity to try. We are not rebellious. We want the blessing of the leaders of our churches. We respect and honor them. But we want to build our own house. There are things the Lord has placed inside of us that we desire to see become reality. It is good to have a room within our father's house, but we have a God-given desire to build a new home.”

I understood completely. I remembered how I felt when I was in my 20's and the Lord called me to start a new church--a new wineskin. However, new wineskins eventually get old, and my generation of stallions are now the parents. We find that God has placed the same burden in the younger generation to birth new wineskins, but they have a different vision for a different era and a different generation. They come into the kingdom looking for reality--not religious structures. They want relationships--not outdated church programs.

Now that we've learned the three keys to spiritual parenting relationships: initiating, building and releasing, we can move on to the practical "how to's” of building the relationship. In the next chapter, we'll giveyou some tips for healthy spiritual parenting relationships.

Notes

¹ Bobb Biehl, Mentoring, (Nashville, Tennessee: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1996), p. 179.

² Gunter Krallman, Mentoring For Mission, (Hong Kong: Jensco Ltd., 1992),p.50.