Reading: The Cry For Spiritual Fathers and Mothers: Chapter 11 How Does It Really Work?

C h a p t e r1 1

How Does It Really Work?

The "how to's” of spiritual fathering and mothering

piritual parents are partners in helping their children discover what
God intends for them. They will do all they can to help them reach
that goal. George MacDonald once said, "If I can put one touch of rosy sunset into the life of any man or woman, I shall feel that I have worked with God.”

How can we practically "work with God” to cultivate spiritual fathering that will develop into trusted and honest relationships? Let's get down into the nuts and bolts of the relationship and take a look at how the Lord wants us to build healthy spiritual relationships.

Pray, pray, pray

For the success of the spiritual parenting relationship, prayer needs to be woven into its very fabric. Praying for our spiritual son or daughter will wrap them in the Lord's protection.Paul says in Galatians 4:19 that he "labors in the pains of childbirth” for the Galatian church until Christ is formed in them. He invested a lot of time in these Christians whom he affectionately calls his "children,” and he is expecting that each one will grow up spiritually strong. Much of his "labor” was in prayer for the Galatians.

Ibrahim Omondi, who pastors DOVE Christian Fellowship in Nairobi, Kenya, and serves as a spiritual father to other church leaders in East Africa, describes how prayer with a spiritual father brought him to a place of spiritual maturity: "Those who had discipled me as a young Christian had long moved out of my life... I was left on my own until, at a Bible School, I met an elderly professor who asked if I could pray with him regularly. Our weekly prayer meetings soon took on the form of a father-son relationship. I loved it. For once I recognized what I had missed throughout my Christian walk. I was able to open up in prayer. The deepest secrets of my life found no hiding place. I felt a new sense of security, love and deep humility.”

Job rose early every morning and offered a sacrifice for each of his children (Job 1:5). Jesus is at the right hand of the Father right now interceding, not only for the world in general but for us individually (Romans 8:34). We must pray specific prayers for our spiritual children. Pray that they will run to God and hunger for God's Word. Pray that they will learn to resist temptation and flee from it.

Lifetime or short-term commitment?

Is availability in a spiritual fathering relationship a lifetime commitment? It may or may not be. Discuss, early on, if you foresee the relationship to be for a certain period of time or if it is meant to continue in an ongoing long-term relationship (of course, this needs to be evaluated and updated periodically). A spiritual parent may maintain a close relationship for a lifetime with a spiritual child, but with others the relationship may be a close one for only a few years or even months. Whether it is for a predetermined period of time or an ongoing commitment, it is the relationship that is vital! Keep it healthy by periodically examining the relationship to determine if continuing it is God's best plan.

Eventually, a spiritual father and his son may determine the son can make it on his own with less input from the father. In a natural family, when a child marries, he is still your son. You may no longer have as much input in his life, but he remains a son. In some relationships, a phone call now and then will be all it takes to maintain a father-son relationship. It is important that a son or daughter knows his father or mother is available if needed.

Be transparent and vulnerable

Spiritual fathering involves a sense of vulnerability and willingness to open our lives to one another. It is encouraging and accepting another person without reservation. A spiritual father will not be afraid to take the risk to share his life openly with another. Transparency leads to intimacy. If a father is free to reveal his true feelings, his son learns to open up too. Spiritual fathers do not hesitate to talk about their failures as well as their successes. People identify with you when they see your weaknesses because you are willing to say, "Follow me as I, a sinful human being, follow Christ.”

Early in our marriage, LaVerne and I went to see a marriage counselor. Being open about this area of our lives has encouraged many married couples to get the help they have needed when facing a crisis in their marriage.

When we are transparent, a spiritual son or daughter doesn't have to feel alone in their struggles, neither will they be tempted to put their spiritual father or mother up on a pedestal. Spiritual sons or daughters will not think less of their spiritual parents when they know their struggles--they will probably just be relieved that they are normal!

Jane, a young married woman describes the relief she felt when "the giant of a spiritual woman” she looked to as a mentor revealed that even her 30-year-old marriage experienced "bumps in the road” when she and her husband did not see eye to eye. "Just hearing her admit to her unspiritual thoughts helped me to see that she was learning to live in the grace of God in her marriage too, and I was not alone in my problems,” said Jane.

Jane was encouraged because her spiritual mother dared to say, "I am committed to Jesus Christ, and I'm going to be honest with you about how consistently I live my Christian life.”

Point them to Jesus

The truth of Galatians 4:2, that children need guardians and stewards, also applies to our spiritual sons or daughters. Looking out for them, however, does not mean we stand guard duty. We don't peer over their shoulders waiting for them to make a wrong move. If they do need correction, the way we approach the issue is as important as what we say. Spiritual fathering is not a way to get people to do what we want them to do or for them to serve our ambitions. Instead, we must help them discern God's will for their lives while holding them accountable to do it.

What is accountability? Personal accountability is finding out from God what He wants us to do and then asking someone to hold us accountable to do those things. It is helpful to check up on each other so we stay on a safe path. If a spiritual daughter wants to be held accountable to her spiritual mother for a certain area in her life that needs support, it does not mean the mother tells her what to do. Remember, we are only pointing to Jesus; people need to make their own decisions.

Normally a father-son relationship is one of deep friendship and trust, so if a son seems to be making an unwise decision or is participating in a destructive behavior, a father that expresses his concerns will be heard. Fathers should not condemn but instead confront their son or daughter lovingly. In this way, he or she will be teachable and open to input.

Learn to ask vital questions

Mentoring with accountability is done with patience and love. Ask questions to spur your sons or daughters on to new spiritual heights:"How is your relationship with Jesus?”

"How is your relationship with your spouse?”

"Whom are you praying for?”

"Has your thought life been pure?”

"What sin has tempted you this week?”

"What struggles are you having in your life?”

"In what ways have you stepped out in faith lately?”

"Have you shared your faith this week?”

"Are you serving others in love?”

"What was your greatest joy this week?”

"What was your biggest disappointment?”

"What do you see yourself doing 5 or 10 years in the future?”

"How can I help you fulfill what the Lord has called you to do?”

Ask about their relationship with their spouse (if married) and children, or with their parents. Ask about their relationship with their church. Questions similar to these will motivate your sons and daughters and help them to be more like Christ. Of course, you will not bombard your spiritual sons or daughters with all these questions at one time! Additionally, it is not wise to preach at your spiritual children by using these types of questions as a leverage. Look for ways for these kinds of personal issues to naturally come up in your conversations over a period of time as the friendship develops.

How often?

Decide on some practical get-together times for the relationship. How often and how long should you meet? The answer to this question will vary. You may want to set up regular times to meet and communicate. One breakfast meeting each month may be adequate for a healthy relationship. New Christians may need more (weekly or bi-weekly). Meet both on your turf and on theirs. These planned, regular contacts should be interlaced with a lot of spontaneous contact.

Don't think you have to solve every problem

Because of the powerful connection of a spiritual parenting relationship, there is a danger of the parents taking on too much responsibility for the growth of the children. A son or daughter may grow dependent and begin to demand more than a father or mother can give. Before they know it, the relationship becomes self-serving.

In spiritual mothering relationships, women especially, with their need to form close friendships, may tend to absorb themselves too deeply in a relationship. If a relationship becomes possessive and demanding, it may be moving toward an unhealthy dependency.

Tony Fitzgerald from Church of the Nations has served as a spiritual father to church leaders scattered across the globe for more than twenty years. He recently gave this wise advice in one of our conversations, "Fathering is not to meet every need, but to be sure every need is met.”

In the story of the Good Samaritan, the compassionate Samaritan attended to the wounded man'sbruises, placed him on his donkey and took him to an inn. At that point, the Samaritan's job was finished. He left and entrusted the wounded man to the innkeeper. He did not meet every need of the wounded man, but made sure his every need was attended to.

Sometimes, spiritual fathers are available to help their sons meet certain needs, and then entrust them to others to meet further needs. When a spiritual father directs his son to helpful resources such as books, tapes, videos and other spiritual leaders and counselors, he is helping meet a need without directly meeting it himself.

Maintain proper boundaries

A relationship goes downhill when two people lean too much on each other rather than the Lord. If spiritual sons or daughters look tofathers or mothers to solve their problems or meet all their needs, the relationship becomes "need” driven.

"Dependent relationships become ingrown and create a seedbed for one person to become emotionally dependent on another,” according to counselor Steve Prokopchak. In his book Recognizing Emotional Dependency, emotional dependency is defined as the condition resulting when the ongoing presence and/or nurturing of another is believed necessary for personal security. Steve goes on to say, "It's true that we need others. I believe that relationship with God and with others is the most important thing in life...However, our need for relationship cannot be allowed to become the center of a person's life. The emotionally dependent person feels as though he cannot exist or function without this relationship. Mistakenly, this association is an attempt to meet the need for intimacy and security.”¹

In spiritual parenting relationships, we must maintain proper boundaries in order to maintain healthy relationships. This means we must be sure of our identity in Christ and want to please Him rather than another person.

What if you need help?

You should be aware that sometimes you will need help to solve a severe problem in a son or daughter's life. You should not be alarmed by these situations. Whenever you have people progressing on a spiritual journey, you have some besetting sins that need to be dealt with. Stubborn struggles like this could involve depression, addictions to sex, alcohol, drugs, etc.

If your spiritual son or daughter has a severe, ongoing addiction that you are not prepared to deal with, discern if they would benefit from meeting with someone trained in setting people free through deliverance from demonic oppression or perhaps seeing a professional counselor. You can stay involved in the son or daughter's life and at the same time have the additional support available to help them through the difficult times.

Make it easy to get out of the relationship

There may come a time in a mentoring relationship that negative interpersonal dynamics make it impossible to continue on. When a once supportive relationship becomes critical and disappointment sets in, don't immediately bolt from the scene!First, address the root of the conflict--be candid and communicate and pray together. Try to resolve it as painlessly as possible. It may be helpful to have a trusted third party to guide you and your spiritual son (or father) through the conflict in the spiritual parenting relationship.

If it cannot be resolved, remember that a mentoring relationship is not a covenant bond; it is a spiritual impartation into the life of another that allows freedom and flexibility. If the time comes for a separation in the relationship, the love relationship we have with Christ and each other will help us discern how to graciously and lovingly bow out. Allow the Lord to be your comfort so you do not grow bitter or refuse to take the risk of another relationship.

Learn to empower those whom you mentor

Servanthood must be the crux of the parenting relationship. Servanthood releases sons and daughters to be all they can be, giving them power. I like the way Tom Marshall says it in Understanding Leadership: "A servant leader is willing to share power with others so that they are empowered, that is, they become freer, more autonomous, more capable and therefore more powerful.”² A servant leader knows that the more people there are that have authority, the more authority there is to spread around. When the relationship centers on servanthood, it will rarely become selfish because it gives people the freedom to use their own gifts and abilities.

Multiple spiritual fathers

God often uses more than one spiritual father or mother in a person's life according to varying areas of need. For example, a spiritual father could mentor someone specifically in the areas of healthy family relationships. Another mentor could share his expertise in the area of financial management and budgeting. My natural father has served as a mentor to me for years in learning principles of sound financial management.

Yet another spiritual father or mother may mentor the same spiritual son or daughter in the area of Christian ministry. Yes, even ministry leaders need spiritual moms and dads. A pastor's wife needs to be mentored by another spiritually mature woman (preferably another pastor's wife who understands the needs of someone in leadership). In spiritual fathering, the buck does not stop at any point in the family hierarchy. A senior pastor of a church needs a spiritual father, too. This mentor could mentor him in sound decision-making principles in leadership, for example. I have various spiritual fathers in my life that I look to for spiritual advice and continual leadership development. I need these fathers in my life.

Spheres of spiritual fathering relationships

Along with the option of having more than one spiritual father or mother speaking into a spiritual son or daughter's life is the likely possibility that each relationship will be of varying levels of friendship and intimacy. It helps to understand the several spheres of relationships that Jesus had and apply this principle to spiritual parenting. Jesus had an inner circle of friends, namely, Peter, James and John. He spent quality time with these three, and John in particular. Jesus also closely mentored the twelve disciples with whom He traveled day to day. In addition, He was in relationship with the 70 disciples He sent out "...two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go” (Luke 10:1 NIV).Lastly, Jesus was a spiritual father to the 120 faithful believers that waited in the Upper Room for the promised Holy Spirit.

As a young leader, I felt I needed to be everyone's friend on an equal basis. I soon found there was not enough of me to go around! As I prayed and pondered Jesus' relationships with His disciples, it became clear to me that Jesus had to work with the same constraints we do. He clearly heard from His heavenly Father regarding which of the disciples He needed to spend most of His time with. It did not depend on how long He knew them or on their expectations. Jesus gave us the model to value all people, but even He could only develop close, deep friendships with some. Jesus did that which He knew His Father was leading Him to do concerning relationships (John 5:19).

Fathering new believers

If a spiritual son or daughter is a new Christian, you will want to disciple this young Christian--spend time studying the Bible together, answering questions, and praying together. The first few years after our cell-based church started, we discovered the pressing need for a basic biblical foundation course to help spiritual moms and dads parent new believers. So I wrote a twelve booklet series on basic Christian foundations that could be taught systematically from the scriptures. They are geared especially for spiritual parenting relationships, complete with teaching outlines and questions broken down into increments of time.³ The response we got from these Christian doctrine booklets was amazing. Within a few short years over 100,000 of the booklets were distributed throughout the body ofChrist. God's people are hungry for practical discipling tools to use in spiritual fathering and mothering relationships. Any biblical foundations series like this is an excellent tool to use in a spiritual parenting relationship for younger Christians because they have the specific need of getting grounded in God's Word.

Homogeneous fathering

Young mothers need older mothers to mentor them in areas of motherhood. Older professional women can mentor younger professional women. Businessmen benefit from having other businessmen mentor them in sound business practices. Widows who lost spouses years ago could mentor more recent widows. The term homogeneous refers to these "like” kinds of mentoring relationships that can be greatly beneficial.

Nelson Martin heads up a "24 Hour Prayer Watch” for our family of churches.The prayer watch includes prayer generals who oversee prayer warriors who pray for the DCFI family around the clock. Some prayer generals mentor their prayer warriors to pray and hear from God, connecting them in a prayer mentoring relationship.

Couples can play a vital role in mentoring other couples in their marriage relationship. We have seen gratifying results with a successful couple-to-couple marriage mentoring program we utilize. The program, using the workbook Called Together, written by Steve andMary Prokopchak, is a unique mentoring program designed for counselor mentors to equip engaged couples for marriage and beyond. The material teaches mature couples how to mentor others through varying phases of married life.⁴

Bruce Heckman spent many years ministering in Muslim nations. He told me that he has come to the conclusion that one of the most effective ways to train missionaries is for an experienced missionary to mentor (become a spiritual father to) a younger more inexperienced missionary.

Men mentor men, women mentor women

While we are talking about "like” spiritual fathering and mothering relationships, it should be mentioned that we believe men should mentor men and women mentor women as modeled in Titus 2. "...that the older men be sober, reverent, sound in faith...likewise exhort the young men to be sober-minded...the older women likewise, that they be reverentin behavior...teachers of good things--that they admonish the young women to love their husbands....”

In counsel and example, the early Christian church followed thementoring method of older women with younger women and older men with younger men.

There is a good reason for this. Fathering and mothering relationships fast become intimate friendships. Maintaining the boundaries of friendship between a man and a woman can be tricky. The deeply shared Christian love can be misinterpreted, leading to inappropriate emotional and physical attachments.

In my opinion, simply avoiding this trap is the best policy. "Abstain from all appearance of evil” says I Thessalonians 5:22 (KJV), or inmy paraphrase, "stay as far away from the cliff as possible, so if you fall, you will not be devastated.”

I believe it is entirely appropriate, however, for a husband and wife team to mentor a spiritual son or daughter together. In Acts 18:24-26, a husband and wife team, Aquila and Priscilla helped enlighten Apollos concerning his knowledge of the gospel. Aquila and Priscilla "took him aside and explained the way of God more accurately” to him (v. 26).

Individual and group mentoring

Some spiritual fathers will maintain a one-on-one mentoring relationship with a spiritual son and also mentor him in a small group setting where he meets with a group of sons to pray and study the Bible together. It is beneficial for spiritual children to have healthy interaction in a group setting with others while a spiritual parent observes and trains them. A group setting however, cannot take the place of a person-to-personrelationship that occurs when a father sits down with his son eyeball-to-eyeball and intentionally takes the time to listen and really sense what he is feeling.

Bless your spiritual parents

Although the spiritual father or mother is mature enough to give freely without a thought of return, I think it is a good idea for a son or daughter to look for ways to bless his or her spiritual parent. Parents need encouragement too! Occasionally, they need to hear the actual words that they are having an impact on the lives of those they are mentoring. Words and actions of blessing are powerful. Spiritual children can bless their parents by sending cards of appreciation, spontaneous gifts or telling them by communicating words of encouragement face-to-face.

I firmly believe the following biblical promise to natural children also applies to spiritual children: "Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth” (Ephesians 6:2-3).

Your children will grow up, and changes will occur

As spiritual parents encourage their spiritual children to grow up and have their own spiritual children, the relationship changes. Now spiritual parents talk to their son or daughter about their own parenting experiences. Spiritual parents will continue to parent their grown-up spiritual children as long as they need the input. In some ways, the children eventually become peers although they will always honor their parents. When children are babies, their parents meet all of their needs. When parents are elderly, the children often assume a role of responsibility for the well-being of the parents. Be aware of the possibilities of these potential changes in spiritual parenting relationships.

Hand over the ministry to those you are training

Do you remember the last principle of spiritual parenting from the previous chapter? Release them to go and do it themselves!I can't stress this enough. Keep handing the ministry over to those you are training with this mentoring-style leadership. The Levites were instructed to serve in the tent of meeting from age twenty-five through age fifty. At fifty years of age they were required to retire (Numbers 8:23-26) to serve the next generation of priests. They were called to pass on the ministry to those they were fathering.

Allow your spiritual sons and daughters to try new things for the first time and succeed. This is how the Ephesians 4:12 ministry of"equipping the saints for the work of ministry” is supposed to work. This kind of apprenticeship-modeling-discipleship-rolled-up-in-one is how you train leaders!

Remember, this works best within the context of a working New Testament style church where everyone gets the chance to participate through some type of effective cell group ministry. We all have the same opportunity to be spiritual fathers and mothers and train the next generation. The opportunities are limitless as we get trained from the ground up in cell groups. As we will learn in the next chapter, this kind of training helps us to develop into diverse kinds of fathers and mothers.

Notes

¹ Steve Prokopchak, Recognizing Emotional Dependency, (Ephrata, Pennsylvania: House to House Publications), p.8.

² Tom Marshall, Understanding Leadership, (Chichester, England: Sovereign World, 1991). p. 73.

³ Larry Kreider, Biblical Foundation Series, (Ephrata, Pennsylvania: House to House Publications).

⁴ Steve and Mary Prokopchak, Called Together, (Camp Hill, Pennsylvania: Horizon Books), 1999.