C h a p t e r1 4

Fathers Teach Their Sons
to Make Decisions

Decision-making principles
for spiritual parents to impart

E

very family makes decisions that affect their family in different
ways. In some families, Dad simply makes the decisions for the
family. Other families find Dad and Mom working together in decision-making. And in other cases, the children seem to run the house. How do we make decisions according to a biblical pattern as spiritual parents?

Why is it so important for church fathers to learn how to make wise judgments in decision-making? It is important because leaders of all kinds must lead as fathers, humbly working together with others to make solid, biblical decisions. In this way, fathers will honor and bless those whom they serve.

Let's look at the first century church and see what they did when they faced a crisis in Acts 15. From this chapter, we learn how spiritual fathers and mothers can make decisions that honor the Lord's voice and value each member of the family. The scriptural principles in this section apply to all levels of spiritual fathering and mothering and spiritual families.

A model for decision-making

In Acts 15,we are given a model for healthy decision-making. In this particular church crisis, a group of Pharisee believers from Jerusalem visited the church in Antioch and objected to the Gentiles coming into the church without submitting to the Jewish rite of circumcision.

Paul and Barnabas were sent to serve on a council at the Jerusalem church along with the other apostles and elders to resolve this matter because of the heated debate that ensued in the church:

So, being sent on their way by the church, they [Paul and Barnabas] passed through Phoenicia and Samaria, describing the conversion of the Gentiles; and they caused great joy to all the brethren. And when they had come to Jerusalem, they were received by the church and the apostles and the elders; and they reported all things that God had done with them. But some of the sect of the Pharisees who believed rose up, saying, "It is necessary to circumcise them, and to command them to keep the law of Moses” (verses 3-5).

As the apostles and elders came together in Jerusalem to consider the matter, there was much dispute. Peter rose up and said to them:

"Men and brethren, you know that a good while ago God chose among us, that by my mouth the Gentiles should hear the word of the gospel and believe. So God, who knows the heart, acknowledged them by giving them the Holy Spirit, just as He did to us, and made no distinction between us and them, purifying their hearts by faith” (verses 7-9).

Peter reminded these Jewish believers that they were saved by faith and faith alone just as the Gentiles were. Paul and Barnabas testified next:

Then all the multitude kept silent and listened to Barnabas and Paul declaring how many miracles and wonders God had worked through them among the Gentiles (verse 12).

After Peter, Paul and Barnabas had their say, James, the head elder and apostolic leader of the Jerusalem church spoke up. The early church leaders trusted James to hear what the Lord was saying to them because they were in his "field” of authority and responsibility.

First of all, James reviewed what he had heard from various leaders throughout the meeting together. Then he quoted from the scriptures. Finally, He spoke up in favor of accepting the uncircumcised Gentiles:

Therefore I judge that we should not trouble those from among the Gentiles who are turning to God (verse 19).

The apostles, elders and the whole congregation agreed and decided to send delegates to Antioch and throughout the churches that had been planted to report this decision with an "acceptance letter.” A church doctrinal issue was resolved! What can we learn from this story, and how was such a volatile issue of early church doctrine resolved?

Principles to make father-like decisions

I believe this early church issue was resolved because God's leaders followed proper, biblical decision-making principles. As we look at this story carefully, we see three principles of godly leadership and decision-making. I believe the combined strengths of these three decision-making principles will help us make wise father-like decisions at any level of leadership.

The three principles are very simple: (1) God speaks through a leader (father), (2) God speaks through a team, and (3) God speaks through His people.

Trouble often comes when one of these principles is given greater precedence than the others. Practicing only one of these principles is like driving in a rut on the side of the road rather than utilizing the total road. It causes a spiritual parent to lead in a lopsided manner, often making poor decisions. These three principles are meant to complement each other as each level of leadership works together in relationship with one another.

To help us better understand the dynamics between all three principles, let's think for a minute about the options a natural family has if they utilize one or more of these principles while planning a vacation.

Let's say theMancini family wants to make a decision about where to spend their summer vacation. Who should make the decision? Should the father make a decision to go on a fishing vacation without taking into consideration the rest of his family? Should the family discuss the issue thoroughly and then hopelessly give up the idea entirely when no one can agree? Should the children vote and decide by majority where to go? Or is there a better way?

Read the following decision-making principles, and you decide.

1. A father who leads the way

First of all, let's look at the biblical principle of "God speaking through a father-leader.” God always calls and anoints someone to lead the way and speaks through this spiritual father. James was the head elder and apostle at Jerusalem who held this role.

Although God may speak His vision and direction through many, someone is appointed by the Lord to be the primary spokesperson for the vision. He has a responsibility that is a bit greater in seeing the vision fulfilled than the others on the team. You could say James was the father or primary vision carrier for the group he was leading. He was the one who heard what the Lord was saying through the entire team and made the declaration of what He believed the Lord was saying to the church.

Both the Old and New Testament give numerous examples of this "leader who leads the way” leadership principle--Adam, Noah, Abraham, Joseph, Debra, Gideon, David, Jesus, Peter, James, Paul--the list goes on and on. Moses asked the Lord to appoint a man over the congregation in Numbers 27:16. In the New Testament, in Acts 13:1-4, Barnabas and Saul were sent out with a team to evangelize and plant new churches. By verse thirteen, the Bible says Paul and his companions went to the next city. Paul had already become the clear leader--the primary leader of the team.

In the corporate world, we often call the head leader of a corporation a Chief Executive Officer (CEO). CEO's are responsible for the vision and general oversight of their company--what goes on within its doors, how it will grow and its overall image. They have authority to make the decisions that affect the future of the company. Their leadership is usually equated with power, position or prestige.

Primary church fathers should lead in a totally different manner. Although they are also in positions of authority and are responsible for the people the Lord has placed within their care, they must not lead as domineering CEO's. Leaders who lead as fathers will support their spiritual children in order to see their children fulfill their dreams and visions. They encourage their children to hear from God and make their own decisions rather than always handing down decisions made at the top.

Whenprimary leaders choose to lead humbly as servants, people following them will be encouraged and trained, by example, to do their jobs with the same spirit--that of a servant. In this way, they can participate fully in the life of the church, becoming spiritual fathers and mothers themselves.

Misguided CEO's often use people, but spiritual fathers and mothers serve people. A true Christian leader's rights actually decrease as he takes his position of authority, and his responsibilities increase. His rights decrease because Christian leadership involves not power or prestige but servanthood. Servanthood is the mark of a leader deeply committed to the development of others. Servant leadership takes its example from Christ, the master leader, when He demonstrated that He "...did not come to be served, but to serve...” (Mark 10:45).

In a family, fathers should be willing to serve by making final decisions: "For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body” (Ephesians 5:23).In every team, there is always someone the Lord places as leadership in that team. In the case of the husband and wife, the Bible says the husband is the head of the wife. He's the one who is called to love his wife the same way Jesus Christ loves His church and gave His life for it. He is also the one who, in times of crisis, is responsible to make the final decisions in the home.

A few years ago, LaVerne and I came to an impasse in making a decision regarding whether or not one of our children should be enrolled in a public school or a Christian school. We prayed and waited before the Lord for an answer, but could not clearly hear the voice of the Lord. Finally, LaVerne told me, "Honey, you are the head of our home, and I believe you will hear what the Lord is saying in this situation. I will honor your decision.” It turned out that the decision I felt God was leading me to make was the right one.

A godly father never throws his weight around as a leader. Paul, the apostle, a respected leader of the early church, set the example of a church leader, not as a boss, but as a servant called by the Lord to be a spiritual father: "Nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others, when we might have made demands as apostles of Christ. But we were gentle among you, just as a nursing mother cherishes her own children” (I Thessalonians 2:6-7). Paul's letters to the church were written from a loving spiritual parent's perspective, as he modeled the life of a servant to those he spiritually fathered.

Having said all this, there is a downside when someone leads solely through this principle of decision-making because they can become autocratic. In fact, it can become dangerous. Abuses of this kind of leadership may breed the Jim Jones-type cult leaders, husbands who abuse their wives, or those who believe they have a right to tell others what to do in a way that violates their personal authority and responsibility before the Lord.

Sometimes spiritually immature leaders will shrink back and abdicate their decision-making roles in an attempt to please others and gain approval. Spiritual fathers will encourage their sons to take full responsibility and make decisions based on what God is speaking to them in their hearts. Such decisions should be made after input is given from the team that surrounds them.

2. God calls a team to work together

Although James was the clear leader in Acts 15, it is important to see that as a primary leader, James did not make decisions alone. The other apostles and elders met with him, and they worked together as a team to make a decision. In this way, they were all able to confirm James' final decision as he listened to what the Lord was saying through the entire team. The other apostles and elders were honored because they were involved in the process, and their input was valued.

In families, the Lord has called husbands and wives to submit to each other. God wants husbands and wives to be in unity and work as a team: "Submitting to one another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21).

We see this team leadership modeled many times in both the Old and New Testament. Leaders rarely worked alone, but with a team of leaders who served with them. Moses and Aaron and Miriam worked together as a team in Exodus. Acts 16:4 speaks of apostles and elders. In I Peter 5:1, the plural term elders is used again. In Titus 1:5, Paul exhorts Titus to appoint elders in every town. Paul and Barnabas appointed elders in every church (Acts 14:23) and worked with them as an eldership team.

Why is it so important to work together as a team? A primary leader has only so many gifts to lead God's people. According to the Bible, no matter how spiritual we think we are, "We know in part and we prophesy in part” (I Corinthians 13:9). A team of leaders will fill in the gaps for the primary leader's limitations and the limitations of other members. Leaders have only a portion of the Lord's wisdom. A leader and his team will listen to what the Lord says through everyone on the team. Then the primary leader will receive the grace to discern what the Lord is saying through the entire team.

When a plane is in flight, the pilot, copilot, and flight attendants all work together as a team. Everything proceeds like clockwork. But this is not true for the whole flight. During take off, landing and times of turbulence, it is the pilot who has to take clear leadership, and everyone on the plane is glad that he does!

Wise team leaders recognize the Lord speaks through each of the team members, and discerns what the Lord is saying through the team (Acts 15). Then he makes the decision and the others on the team affirm his decision.

3. God speaks through His people

Wise parents will listen to their children before making decisions that will affect the family. Spiritual fathers of all kinds will take the time to hear the heart's cry of their spiritual children because they love them, believe the Lord speaks through them, and they want to see them fulfill their destiny in God.

In Acts 6:1-7, leaders we sometimes call deacons were chosen. Who chose the deacons? Scripture says the people chose seven men, and the apostles appointed them. Wise leaders will listen to what God says through His people. Leaders must value the people they serve!

It is a godly principle to receive input from those you serve before making a decision that affects them. Before an important decision is made, wise church leaders will publicly share the facts and receive godly input so as to leave no room for doubt and discontent among the congregation.

Acknowledge the Lord first

The key to all decision-making is simply knowing that only the Lord can give us wisdom for making decisions. We cannot lean on our own understanding as the writer of Proverbs admonishes us in Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” We must live in the constant reality that Christ is in our midst, waiting for us to ask Him for wisdom and for direction. Jesus tells us clearly in Matthew 18:19-20 (NIV): "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”

Combine the strengths--head, shoulders and body

As a leader is constantly acknowledging the Lord, he must make an effort to focus on all three decision-making principles in order to make balanced decisions. There are strengths in all three, and if a leader combines these strengths, he will experience tremendous unity in his sphere of influence.

Sometimes the analogy of "head and shoulders and body” is used to show the combined strengths of all three principles. It helps to explain further how a spiritual father/leader works together with others to hear what the Lord is saying.

In Psalms 133, David is singing a song about unity. At this point in biblical history, the tribes of Israel were united under one head. The blessing of this unity is described as the fragrant holy anointing oil poured upon the head of Aaron, the high priest. It was so plentiful that it ran down his face onto his shoulders and down the garment on his body. God pours out His wisdom on the head which flows to the shoulders and on to the body.

Using the analogy of a head, shoulders and body, regarding balanced decision-making, the head (primary leader) of every team needs to be properly attached to the shoulders (the others on the team) and the body (the people) through a God-ordained relationship of trust and affirmation. If the head is appropriately attached to the shoulders (through relationship, trust, servanthood, prayer and proper communication), and the shoulders properly support and affirm the head, there will be unity, and God will command a blessing as indicated in Psalm 133.

God gives His grace and anointing to the primary leader of the team to hear what He is saying through the entire team. However, if the head is stretched too far from the shoulders (the primary leader is not honoring the team) and makes decisions in an autocratic style, the shoulders (the team) and the body (the people) will experience a pain in the neck. By the same token, if the head is forced down into the shoulders (by the team not honoring the head), the body will again experience a pain in the neck.

I believe that many times, the Lord will give vision to a leader, but the timing is in the hands of the team and the people. It takes time to pray and share so that all three gain a sense of godly stewardship for a decision made.

Unless there is trust established between team members and team leaders, decisions cannot be made effectively. When brothers "dwell together in unity” (Psalms 133:1-3), the Lord commands a blessing. Trust takes time to build in relationships.

The need for additional accountability

While we do our best to implement all three decision-making principles in our relationships on all levels, it is wise to have additional spiritual fathers or mothers for added accountability, especially if problems surface. Spiritual parents of any kind--those in one-on-one spiritual parenting relationships or those in church leadership--should be accountable even for a final decision. This avoids the absolute authority trap. A cell leader, for example receives additional accountability from his church elders. In a one-on-one parenting relationship, another trusted spiritual father or mother can provide accountability for times when help is needed to resolve an issue.

A complete discussion of how these principles apply to church leadership and decision-making is found in Appendix B (page 173).

To summarize

No one is exempt from making decisions. Every person, whether it is in the home, church, workplace, school or community, must make decisions that affect other people. Husbands and wives are appointed by the Lord to give leadership to their families. Pastors and elders are appointed by God to give leadership to their local church. Spiritual parents are appointed to give stewardship to their spiritual sons or daughters. A student who is captain of the football team is a leader to his school's team. In some capacity, most of us are in leadership positions and must know how to make wise biblical decisions.

When we learn how to take responsibility for biblical decision-making, we notice it works in the home, in the church, in a youth group, in a Christian business, and any other place decisions need to be made. God's desire is to"command a blessing” on spiritual fathers and mothers and on spiritual families as we follow His principles of leadership and decision-making.

God wants spiritual fathers and mothers to train their sons and daughters in biblical decision-making so they do not have to fear making decisions that affect others. When sons and daughters learn to hear from their heavenly Father and honor their spiritual fathers and mothers, along with others impacted by their decisions, they will make wise and godly judgments in decision-making.

Last modified: Thursday, August 9, 2018, 1:04 PM