Reading: Marriage Undone - The Brink of Divorce part 2

MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE (Part 2)

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

VIRTUOUS DISHONESTY - Marriages need honesty. Gut-level, all-out-on-the-table honesty. Sadly, but not surprisingly, it is common in life and in marriage to tell little white lies and withhold the truth. It's actually viewed as virtuous to practice that type of deception - a virtuous dishonesty, if you will.  We don't want to hurt someone so we keep the truth from them.

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

VIRTUOUS DISHONESTY CONTINUED - Sometimes we practice virtuous dishonesty because we believe we are preserving our perceived integrity and we hope that will keep life running smoothly for everyone. This integrity that we are trying to save is an illusion. What really is happening it that the person will go on living a life that is a lie, except they don't even know it. Meanwhile, God is nudging you to come clean, to makes things right with Him, with yourself and with others.  (Beall)

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

ACCEPTABLE DECEPTION - Typically, most people have an entire list of lies that they don't consider wrong and then a whole separate list of deceptions that are absolutely wrong. A person can tell half-truth and exaggerate and this will be acceptable. A lie is a lie. No matter how white or little it is. This deception could be based on the mindset that we are being kind to our spouse. What we are doing is choosing to place more importance on the feelings in the moment rather than on building a culture of honesty. (Beall)

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

GOD'S VIEW ON LYING - God is pretty clear in Scripture concerning how He feels about lying: "There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to Him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community” (Proverbs 6:16-19). Out of the seven things that God detests, two of them have to do with lying. That is 29%. Your marriage cannot tolerate lying and receive the blessing of God!

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

WHAT NOBODY WANTS TO MENTION  - Do you want to honor your marriage relationship and be faithful? Then prepare yourself ahead of time because you will find other people attractive. Recognizing this ahead of time will prepare and help us deny our flesh when that first flirtatious comment or inappropriately long stare might happen.

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

WHAT NOBODY WANTS TO MENTION (contd.) Your flesh wants to indulge itself with this person, and this could be a literal person or images on the internet. But God has called you to a higher standard and commands you to honor Him and your marriage vows. Do the hard thing and walk away. You will need His help to say "No” and to not give into the flesh. In fact, you cannot succeed without it. Colossians 3:2 "Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.” (Beall)

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

TRIGGERS - take us back to a day or an event and often to the emotions surrounding that event.  Something in the present triggers us to remember something in the past, a song, a phrase, a piece of clothing, or a smell.  Triggers are brutal and can totally bypass a person's healing or change and will transport them directly back to the day when the traumatic event or betrayal happened.  

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

TRIGGERS - If you wounded your spouse, you may feel frustrated when she experiences a trigger because it does two things; it reminds you of what you did, and it makes you feel like you haven't changed. The absolute worst thing you can do when a trigger arises is to get frustrated or mad that your spouse is still hurting. Remember your actions caused this.  

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

TRIGGERS - And if you are the one who has been wounded, don't live there. Don't keep throwing your spouse's sin back in his face at every opportunity. Don't stay in a place of misery and just expect the pain to go away.  

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

VERBAL ABUSE - Most people who practice verbal abuse as a way of life are suffering from low self-esteem. Emotionally, the verbal abuser is not the strong, confident, self-assured individual he may appear to be. Inside he or she feels like a child trying desperately to become an adult and fighting desperately, but inappropriately, to prove his/her worth. The verbal abuse is used to bolster his/her own self-esteem by putting others down.

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

VERBAL ABUSE - Most verbal abusers have an unconscious need to be seen as perfect.  Social approval has become almost a holy quest for the verbal abuser. The verbal abuser thinks that such approval requires perfection.  Thus, any criticism jeopardizes self-worth. That is why the argument must be won because to lose the argument would be to acknowledge that this person is less than perfect, and in fact, worthless.

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

VERBAL ABUSE - The verbal abuser often grew up in a home with verbally abusive parents. This expression of anger is the same expression that the parents used. The problem is that the anger has often been stored toward the parents but is now released toward the spouse.

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

HELP TO VERBAL ABUSER - In seeking to help a verbally abusive husband or wife, you must first understand and accept the validity of his or her inner spiritual and emotional needs. Your spouse has inner needs of self-worth, purpose, and fulfillment in life and needs to be affirmed in those areas. At that same time, you do not help a verbal abuser by accepting his or her destructive efforts to meet those needs. Because you are hurt by the verbal abuse, you often lash back in self-defense, and the need in the abuser, which gave rise to the verbal abuse, goes totally unaddressed.

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

HEALTHIER APPROACHES TO VERBAL ABUSE: A better approach is to acknowledge your spouse's inner emotional needs and incorporate these in your response to the verbal abuse. An example, "I know that you must be terribly frustrated to speak to me in that manner. I wish you could share the pain that you feel inside. I know it must be intense to cause you to lash out at me so strongly. I would like to help you, but I cannot help you when you express your hurt and anger in such destructive ways. You could also write me a note telling me how you feel and how strongly you feel it; maybe I could be there for you and could be the spouse that you need.”

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

HEALTHIER APPROACHES TO VERBAL ABUSE (CONTINUED): Don't let verbal abuse "work.” If you give in to your abusive spouse and do whatever the abuser is requesting, you are encouraging the abuse. You could say to your spouse, "I have realized in the past, I encouraged your verbal outbursts by caving in to whatever you desired of me. I realize now that this is wrong. I want you to know that in the future whenever you lash out at me in anger and verbally attack me, I will not be responsive to that kind of behavior. If you want to make a kind request of me as your spouse, I will certainly consider your request and may well do what you desire, but I will not encourage you to be a tyrant by giving in to you when you are ranting and raving. I believe that is not your true heart.”

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

LION AND THE LAMB - Behind every verbally abusive tongue is a person of value. In spite of his or her devilish ways, your spouse bears the image of God and has innate value. It is this positive image that attracted you to your spouse before marriage. Now it is a time to remember that behind the façade of the verbally abusive lion to whom you are now married is the lamb that you used to cuddle. You married the lamb, not realizing that the lion would emerge. Now you must believe that the lamb is still there and that, with the help of God, the lamb can become predominant again. (Chapman)

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

PHYSICAL ABUSE - Physical abuse is any act that inflicts bodily harm or is intended to do so. If verbal abuse can kill the spirit, physical abuse can eventually kill the person, and the marriage is destroyed. In the vast majority of the cases, it is the husband who abuses the wife. Wives stay in these relationships at times because the wife may blame herself. The husband can be remorseful and the wife is forgiving. Many battered wives grew up in homes where there was a measure of physical violence. 

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

PHYSICAL ABUSE - Other reasons that wives will stay in these relationships is that they have isolated themselves. The wife may be ashamed to tell family about what is going on. Fear is another factor that keeps wives from taking action. They are afraid that if they contact family, a pastor, friend, or police, the abuse will become even worse. These wives are often emotionally or economically dependent upon their husbands. 

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

RESPONSES TO PHYSICAL ABUSE - There is often a need for physical separation.  However, a commitment to the marriage can still be made. To stay in a relationship with physical abuse is a marriage undone, and even if not divorced, this is not marriage!!!!  

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

RESPONSES TO PHYSICAL ABUSE (CONTINUED) - The woman will need to express to her husband the pain and frustration that she is feeling from the past abuse and to let him know that she loves him too much to continue living in this situation which could destroy her and ultimately himself.  The wife often will have to communicate that she is moving out until he can find an answer to his abusive explosions. The wife should also indicate that she is very committed to working on the marriage after extensive counseling and help has been sought by her husband. This support would be to help the husband deal with his frustration and anger.  

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

THE PATH FOR THE HUSBAND - With the help of counseling or the pastor, the path is to understand that expressing anger in an abusive manner is a learned behavior and that it can be unlearned; that he must take responsibility for his violent outbursts; that such outbursts are never constructive; and that he must learn constructive ways to process his anger. Each anger explosion led to a greater sense of incompetence.  

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

SKILLS FOR THE HUSBAND - To learn to recognize when tension starts to build up inside and also how to process minor irritations before they get to the explosive state. Anger will not be eliminated, but rather replace abusive expressions of anger with positive expressions.  (Chapman)

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

VICTIM MENTALITY - Dr. Judith Orloff, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA and author of Emotional Freedom, described what this can look like. "The victim grates on you with a poor-me attitude, and is allergic to taking responsibility for their actions.  People are always against them, the reason for their unhappiness.  They portray themselves as unfortunates who demand rescuing, and they will make you into their therapist.” Basically, having a victim mentality means that you blame everyone else for all that is happening to you, and you take no responsibility for anything. It's never your fault.  

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

VICTIM MENTALITY - Forgiveness is the vital element in choosing not to live as a victim despite all you've endured. A miserable person is often someone who is bitter and has chosen not to forgive. There will be issues that come up with your spouse and will cause hurt.  Our emotional memory will act like muscle memory and the feelings of the "victim” will come to the forefront, and now the spouse is the one who is at fault.  (Beall)

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

VICTIM MENTALITY - An unhealed heart will be the result of unforgiveness as well. If left unaddressed or untreated, an unhealthy heart may even die. A damaged heart cannot identify what is wrong and, therefore, lashes out in frustration, pain, and anger; usually toward the one you love most, your spouse. (Strawberry)

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

VICTIM MENTALITY - Healing a damaged heart and getting beyond the victim mentality is to think about a time when you know that you hurt your spouse in the past. Did you mean to hurt her or him? Did you sit down and plan out this event so that your spouse would be hurt? We don't usually mean to hurt our spouses when we do hurt them. Display empathy right now and try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes. Do you think that he or she woke up this morning and planned to break your heart? 

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

True biblical repentance is needed.  This is not a weak or watered down apology such as: 

"I made a mistake.”

"If my behavior offended anyone...”

"I'm guilty of poor judgment, a misstep...”

"I have an addiction” (in which case a plan for recovery is essential).

"I got some bad advice.”

These are all ineffective. Poor apologies, which are not apologies at all, make matters worse.

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

True, biblical repentance is a key link in the change process and the victim mentality. The New Testament word translated repentance is metanoia, and it is "a turning from (sin)” and  "turning  to” a new path, to faith in Christ.  It contains four elements.

Confessing your sin in a specific, detailed way ("I did this... It was wrong.”) It means saying the same thing about your sins that God does (I John 1:9).

Feeling sorry and realizing the impact our sin has had on God and others...

Asking for forgiveness.

Changing your behavior (making an 180-degree turn). (Clarke)

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

Yes, there are times that people may have planned it out and can be downright mean and selfish.  Choosing to forgive people for hurting you is a choice you will spend the rest of your life making. "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44). "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32). (Beall)

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

If it is risky to forgive too quickly, it is even more hazardous to wait too long. If we wait too long to forgive, our rage settles in and claims squatter's rights to our souls. Our resentment gets into our bloodstream and is as hard to get out as a spoonful of ink from a glass of water.  

Our rage weaves itself into the texture of our spirits. We become the pain we feel. We cannot cleanse ourselves of it without loss to our own identity.  (Smedes)

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

TRUST ISSUES - Trust lost and to be found will be a part of the journey to restore a marriage that has been undone. Wise trust will need to be understood and implemented into the marriage to return from the brink of divorce. Let's examine trust a bit further as this is essential in understanding another issue that has created a marriage to be undone.

When trust has been broken, there can be extremes of responses. A spouse who has been burned may be determined to not let this happen again. They will withdraw to bring protection and will refuse to engage again. The inner thought process may be, "Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.”  

POSSIBLE SPECIFICS CONNECTED TO A MARRIAGE UNDONE

TRUST ISSUES - If trust has been broken by a spouse that has been abusive, controlling, or emotionally absent, the "trust alarm” should go off. This should remind us to create some space--set appropriate boundaries - to protect ourselves. This is a way to gain respect for ourselves and also from our spouse.

Wise trust is grounded in relational evidence developed over time. Simply put, "It's a general belief that those others (your spouse) .....are capable and willing to meet (our) emotional needs.”  When we trust someone, we're in essence saying, "I can rely on you.”  I know you will be honest with me, and I am confident that despite the fights and the storms that we have, you will care for me, value me, and not intentionally hurt me.” (Clinton)