Reading: Marriage Undone - The Brink of Divorce part 1
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
By Kristine Koetje-Balder
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
It is not God's desire for you to live within a broken marriage. It is His deepest desire to help you, teach you, change you, and transform your marriage. He can and will empower you and your spouse to turn things around, but only if you let Him and only if you do your part.
Maybe you cheated on your spouse.
Maybe you are holding on to past failures.
Maybe you've been married multiple times and your current marriage is on the verge of ending.
Maybe your whole life is about to collapse because of financial ruin.
Maybe there is no place inside of you anymore to even believe that love can exist and marriage can thrive.
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
Let's get one thing straight - there is nothing, and that means nothing, that can separate you from the love of God. Not your past. Not your failures. Not your hang-ups. Not your slip ups.
"Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
Phillippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
You can die to your old self, your old life, and all that is hindering God's best in your life and the life and love of your marriage. Forgiveness, cleansing, healing, and newness of life begin at the foot of the cross. It's time to change your mind-set. It's time to define marriage through God's eyes. It's time to get rid of unrealistic expectations and set your eyes and hearts on what God says. (Strawberry)
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
You see, every married couple finds themselves hitting a wall at some point in their marriage. This does not mean we give up on our marriage and start looking for a new life. What it means is we faithfully and intentionally find a new way of relating to each other, a new way of spending time together, a new way of being open with one another, and new ways of nurturing and growing our marriage. (Beall)
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
However, there are some common misconceptions people have about marriage. Unfortunately, they don't carry much weight. When tension builds, the following comments tend to become the reality. You may say things to your spouse like,
"What's your problem?”
"You're supposed to love me just the way I am.”
"This never bothered you before.”
"I don't know who you are anymore.”
"This is not what I signed up for.”
Sound familiar?
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
Everyone creates an idea of what marriage should be like, how a mate should perform, and who he or she should become. Usually, it's a wistful, unrealistic imagining of being taken care of, cherished, and fulfilled by a spouse. After all, marriage is about living happily ever after - right? (Strawberry)
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
In today's world, it's dangerous to marry without proper direction. False ideas and fantasies about marriage set us up for failure because we are not prepared for reality. Do you know that a marriage license is the only license you can get without preparation and without passing a test? (Strawberry)
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
So now the marriage is floundering. Selfishness is the root cause of most marital problems. A selfish spouse sees no need to change. "Our problems are your fault. I'm not perfect, but my mistakes aren't as bad as yours. When you change, our marriage will get better.” The driving force behind selfishness is a desperate desire to protect ourselves. (Clarke)
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
Selfishness stems from marrying without the proper knowledge of God's design for marriage and from self-centered, self-seeking ambitions. God designed marriage to be a selfless union. It's not what your wife or husband can do for you; it's what you can do for him or her. Marriage is about serving one another. It's about developing Godly character as an individual. It's about serving and loving your partner as Christ did for you - mindful of you, not Himself. Sacrificially. Intentionally. (Strawberry)
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
In many ways our fundamental misunderstanding of love stems from having our emotional and relational progress blocked as adolescents. The resulting insecurity created a sense of desperation that drove us to the extremes of isolation (to avoid the risk of being hurt again) or enmeshment (to find the closeness we crave). (Clinton)
The breakthrough demands moving beyond anything that is keeping you in bondage. And the past keeps many people imprisoned. The journey to freedom begins by recognizing where you are and how you got here, redefining what love is and is not, and then learning to love and exercise healthy limits. (Clinton)
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
When breakdowns occur in a marriage, it's easy to blame the other person.
- It's his fault.
- She's the one who cheated.
- He spent all our hard-earned savings.
- She stopped having sex with me.
- He is never around.
- She loves her career more than me.
- He drinks too much.
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
Guess what? Your spouse is not your problem. Your husband is not your responsibility. Your wife is not your project to fix. God does not call you to point out and reconstruct your partner's character flaws. He does, however, call you to work on yourself.
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
Consider your internal struggles. Are you even aware of them? When was the last time you took your mind and attention off from your spouse and your rocky marriage and took a good, long, hard look at yourself?
MARRIAGE UNDONE - THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
Do you struggle with unforgiveness? Anger? Mistrust? Pride? Identity or self-worth? Are you suspicious of people? Do you refuse to be vulnerable and constantly put up walls? Do you struggle to stay faithful? (Strawberry)
These following five keys can be a way to lead to unlocking the doors of freedom for your marriage.
KEY ONE - TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR LIFE AND YOUR ACTIONS THROUGH SELF-EXAMINATION
You must take responsibility for your own life, for your own actions, for your own behavior. Own up to your flaws. You don't need to air out your dirty laundry to everyone, of course. But you do need to be honest with God and allow Him to show you the truth about the condition of your heart.
You may have been sexually molested as a child. Perhaps you are harboring unforgiveness. Maybe you are holding onto a traumatic memory. All these things may lie at the root of an anger problem, out-of-control emotions, a desire to drink, overeat or compulsively shop. Whatever you don't allow God to conquer within you will continue to conquer you.
King David was well aware of the need for self-examination. He wrote, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” (Psalm 139: 23-24)
KEY TWO - PLACE YOUR LIFE IN THE HANDS OF THE GREAT HEALER
Absolutely, deep wounds can bleed. Please stand in faith that if you trust God to heal you, He will. No matter how scarred your heart is, He can restore what has been broken. Not only that, but He wants to. God desires you to be whole, to be well, and to be healed.
You may be a Christian and still deny God access to every part of your being, into the deep where you hurt the most. Don't miss out! Your heavenly Father wants the very best for you. He wants to give you an abundant life, a healed heart, a mind free of torment. He wants to make you well. He wants to make you whole.
KEY THREE - RECOGNIZE AND STOP THE CYCLE OF SIN
Before a couple can move forward, sin has to be addressed. And stopped. A path toward restoration cannot be forged if one or both people are not ready and willing to stop the cycle of sin and participate in the process of restoration. Sometimes we think of sin as these big, bad behaviors that are easily recognized. Like theft, addiction, or adultery. Yes, these are sins.
But what about the sin of selfishness? Pride? Speaking harsh words? Being disrespectful? Making poor financial decisions? Pushing your spouse away? Chasing after self-centered pursuits? Those are all sins too.
KEY FOUR - CHANGE YOUR ENVIRONMENT AND INFLUENCES
If you insist on staying in "your ways,” you will hinder God's healing power in your life. The cycle of sin does not stand a chance of being broken if you don't remove yourself from the sin or what led you to it. Revisit your priorities. Evaluate where and with whom you spend your time.
You may need to cut ties with the person with whom you used to drink, party, or gossip. You may need to stop watching movies that trigger lust. You may need to shut down the internet or place filters because of temptations. You may need to stop going to happy hour with your coworkers. You may need to rethink your relationship with your friend who is trying to convince you to leave your wife.
KEY FIVE - DEVELOP YOUR CHARACTER... ALL THE TIME
Bad character will never act right. The only cure for bad character is to allow the Holy Spirit to transform you through His power into the character of Jesus Christ. You can strive to be good, moral, and ethical, but you will ultimately fall short. God is the only one who can transform the human heart and re-create your character.
Marriage Undone - The Brink of Divorce
Now, if you have been prompted by the Holy Spirit to embark on a journey and commit to the five keys, there is very good prognosis that your marriage can be delivered from the brink of divorce. If this is not the case, this class is for you or your spouse.
SEVEN STEPS TO FIX A BROKEN MARRIAGE ON THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
1. DON'T PANIC. Anxiety rarely helps us to think clearly. Often, when feeling anxious, we react instead of responding thoughtfully. Our best decisions occur after rest, Godly counsel, and reflection. The wisest man on Earth said, "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other.” (Ecclesiastes 7:14)
SEVEN STEPS TO FIX A BROKEN MARRIAGE ON THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
2. DO NOTHING TO HARM OR INJURE YOUR MATE. While things don't look good, sometimes the best action is no action. Stop doing the things that aggravate the situation. Cancel the appointment with the attorney. Don't do anything that places you in an adversarial role with your mate. Stop doing those things you know irritate your mate. Stopping the hemorrhage saves many lives. Make a decision to do no harm.
SEVEN STEPS TO FIX A BROKEN MARRIAGE ON THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
3. LISTEN TO YOUR MATE. It is unlikely that your mate came to this decision easily. What has your mate been trying to get across to you? What changes is your mate desperate for? Seek opportunities to listen to your mate. Even if this is not a formal conversation, there are subtle ways that your mate may make messages known. Listen carefully. Make a list of those things that your mate needs in order to set out to make the necessary changes.
SEVEN STEPS TO FIX A BROKEN MARRIAGE ON THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
4. MEET YOUR MATE AT THEIR POINT OF NEED. Consider what your mate needs. Some of the requests may be clearly spoken, such as a need for space. Some of the needs may be unspoken, and you'll need to figure those out for yourself. Perhaps there is a need for respect. Perhaps there is a need to be valued and treasured. Give this need, even if in the midst of being separated.
SEVEN STEPS TO FIX A BROKEN MARRIAGE ON THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
5. BECOME THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF THAT YOU CAN BE. This tragedy is an opportunity for you to remember why your wife or husband fell in love with you. What are the characteristics that made you irresistible twenty years ago? Reflect and resurrect those old qualities. It's time to again become daring, adventuresome, caring, and charming. These qualities won the heart of your spouse once before; they may do so again.
SEVEN STEPS TO FIX A BROKEN MARRIAGE ON THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
6. BE PATIENT. Even though you may be separated, and fear you will never get a chance to prove you are different, that is not true. You will have ample opportunities - perhaps in small ways - to show your spouse you are dedicated to change. Letting your spouse know you will wait, and are dedicated to a change process, can be powerfully attracting. Show your spouse, over time, that you are committed to change.
SEVEN STEPS TO FIX A BROKEN MARRIAGE ON THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
7. COMMIT YOURSELF TO PRAYER. Psalm 127:1 "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builder's labor in vain.” https://www.crosswalk.com/
Last modified: Thursday, August 8, 2024, 8:25 AM