Reading: The Heart of Remarriage part 1

THE HEART OF REMARRIAGE WITH THE BONUS OF CHILDREN

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

THE HEART OF REMARRIAGE WITH THE BONUS OF CHILDREN

My counseling ministry has certainly experienced an increase in marital counseling for folks who are now either considering remarriage or are remarried. Yes, the Bible states that God hates divorce. Malachi 2:13-16 gives a clear look into God's heart for marriage: "Another thing you do: You flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant...  Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit, they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking Godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.  "I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel.”  

THE HEART OF REMARRIAGE WITH THE BONUS OF CHILDREN

The Bible also states that God despises lies, disobedience, stealing, coveting, and rebellion. Divorce is sin. When divorced, people often face judgment from their fellow Christians. Also, when pastors don't have the right words to minister to two wounded people now coming together in remarriage, hearts that need to heal can become hardened.  

THE HEART OF REMARRIAGE WITH THE BONUS OF CHILDREN

In Divorce and Remarriage: A Redemptive Theology, author Rubel Shelly puts it this way:

"Divorce is offensive to God, yet pardonable like any other sin. In many cases, divorce is indefensible, bringing serious consequences to adults and children. It should not be taken lightly.  Yet to deny someone full forgiveness and the right to live life to the fullest in Jesus Christ denies the healing power of the Cross. God brings light out of darkness. His redemptive work in the lives of imperfect people restores the hearts of men and women and turns them back toward Him. His grace forgives and transforms.”

THE HEART OF REMARRIAGE WITH THE BONUS OF CHILDREN

The National Center for Health Statistics provides data pertaining to marriage and divorce. The marriage ratio is 6.8 per 1000 total population and the divorce ratio is 3.6 per 1000 total population. This is almost half.  Also, about 75% of divorced persons remarry. 43% of all marriages are remarriages for at least one adult.  65% of remarriages involve children from a prior marriage. (Per the U.S. Census Bureau, estimates from 1988-1990)

THE HEART OF REMARRIAGE WITH THE BONUS OF CHILDREN

Most couples are aware that remarriage will introduce challenges that were not present in their first marriage, even if they are not quite clear on what the biggest difficulties were:

Remarried couples often feel reluctant and insecure.

Remarried couples can feel inadequate and fear failing in another marriage.

Remarried couples are often still dealing with strong emotions like resentment, jealousy, and rejection.

Society has a negative perception of remarriage.  Newly formed families may feel inferior and often hide from the world.

There are many loyalty conflicts.  

Roles in remarriage can be very confusing. (Smalley)

THE HEART OF REMARRIAGE WITH THE BONUS OF CHILDREN

However, there can be incredible benefits that come with remarriage. This is part of God's redemptive process. I am going to try and instill hope in this couple even in the midst of the sin of divorce and allow for the awareness and acceptance of forgiveness. The following are six amazing benefits that remarried couples can experience:

1.  Second marriages can be more fulfilling than first ones because individuals have the ability to learn from their past mistakes, are older, more experienced and better prepared. They don't want to fail again, so they try harder, and they are not as idealistic and unrealistic about what to expect.

THE HEART OF REMARRIAGE WITH THE BONUS OF CHILDREN

2.  Partners in remarriage often appreciate each other more, because they know what it has been like to be betrayed or bereft. They know how hard it is to go it alone after being married and are grateful for the new, committed relationship they've created.

3.  Remarried couples can let go of guilt, fears, and stress associated with raising children in a single-parent home. A healthy remarriage can fulfill the deep emotional needs of children and adults. These needs include nurturing one another by providing safe refuge, comfort, encouragement, companionship, loving confrontation, affirmation, stimulation, affection, a sense of belonging, acceptance, laughter and unconditional love.

THE HEART OF REMARRIAGE WITH THE BONUS OF CHILDREN

4.  Remarriage provides the couple with physical, emotional, mental and spiritual intimacy and outlet. If the first marriage was riddled with conflict, then a healthy remarriage can help build new bridges of trust.

5.  Remarriage gives single parents someone to share the workload; the new spouse also can serve as a sounding board.

6.  Remarriage creates a foundation for new friendships and ministry opportunities.  (Smalley)

THE HEART OF REMARRIAGE WITH THE BONUS OF CHILDREN

Thus, I have determined tenacity to pray and fight for a couple who is now remarried or going to be remarried.   This marriage also deserves hope even though the statistics can be very formidable. God is a God of Grace and redemption and this creates the base of the belief that I communicate to my couples embarking on remarriage or that are already in a remarriage.

THE PATH TO HOPE

In speaking on remarriage there is often the presence of the blending of the family. The -----ing is the most important part to emphasize. The couple needs to learn to find hope in the -----ing because it is ongoing change, ongoing grace, and ongoing movement toward the desired end. There may always be emotional hot spots and indescribable times of awkwardness, but most intact families have moments like these too. The key to having hope is viewing things through a different lens.

THE PATH TO HOPE

The Bible says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick.”  (Proverbs 13:12)

So, how about an acrostic to help remember what hope means.

H- HEAVENLY

O-OUTLOOK

P-PRODUCES

E-ENDURANCE

THE PATH TO HOPE

Romans 8:35,37 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?.....No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”

You see, most people do not grow up with a wish to be married more than once. The typical dream is to meet the right person, fall in love, build a life together and live happily ever after. But for many the dream of happily ever after was cut short by death or divorce. Thus began the journey of starting over.

THE PATH TO HOPE

Remarriage is foundationally different than a first marriage because it is the coming together of two people who have suffered loss and hurt in a previous relationship. We walk down the aisle with baggage that no one can see - emotional wounds and hurts from the past that threaten to prevent us from truly experiencing love again. Walls of protection that we previously built to withstand the pain of loss can now keep us self-focused and unable to fully yield ourselves to another person.

THE GHOST OF MARRIAGE PAST

This may be a block towards the ability to yield and fully give oneself over to the spouse in remarriage.    Various views are held in terms of the timing of being ready for another marriage relationship.  In my particular practice, I communicate that usually for every five years of marriage; a year of healing is needed.  I also communicate that a couple should experience a full year of dating (going through the seasons) before a deeper commitment is explored that may lead to marriage.  

THE GHOST OF MARRIAGE PAST

It is human nature to view new relationships in light of previous ones. This can lead to negative assumptions and expectations. It's like putting on sunglasses that are tinted yellow or black - everything you see has a yellow or black hue.  All too often, however, people rebound from one failed marriage into another marriage and take their tinted glasses with them. When circumstances in the new marriage remind someone of negative events in a previous marriage, the person becomes frightened and reactive. This is an example of "The Ghost of Marriage Past.” (Deal)

Thus, it is very critical that divorced persons take the time to resolve the ending of their marriage before jumping into another relationship.

TREASURE HUNT FROM YOUR PAST

Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are (warts and all) has a hidden gift attached. It's the old adage that "every cloud has a silver lining,” and the Scripture that states that all things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose is true. (Romans 8:28)

For example, a divorce or the death of a loved one can make a person stronger, courageous, more loving, humbler, more mature, compassionate, thoughtful, gentle, careful, kind or patient. In fact, the things you like most about yourself probably developed as a direct result of trials. (Smalley)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU ARE READY TO REMARRY?

1.  You may be ready for remarriage if you and your potential spouse love God first and fully. You are actively involved in a local church, you are in fellowship with other believers, and you are spending time with the Lord daily. You have allowed God the time it takes to transform your heart--and therefore your thoughts, actions, and words. He has changed your burdened beliefs from the past.

2.  You may be ready to remarry if you would be perfectly fine remaining single. You aren't ready to be together in marriage until you are completely fulfilled alone. Just you and God. Remarriage should complement your full, rich, satisfying, joy-filled life; you should not be dependent on finding the "right one” to be happy.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU ARE READY TO REMARRY?

3.  You may be ready to remarry if at least two years have passed since the end of your previous marriage.  (This is a basic/minimum amount as again, I encourage a year of singleness for every five years of marriage). There are no shortcuts in healing time.

4.  You may be ready to remarry if your Christian friends and family are in agreement. If the people who love and know you best and who are also in right relationship with God see healthy growth and healing in you, and they are ready to embrace the person you want to marry, that can be a sign that you are on the right track. If one or more people who have loved you for years and whose advice has been previously trusted tell you to hold up, consider that a huge RED stop sign.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU ARE READY TO REMARRY?

5.  You may be ready for marriage if your kids are in agreement. If your children are old enough to grasp some of the magnitude of what will happen in their lives if you remarry, and they are okay with it, that can be a sign that you are ready to remarry. It will still be a challenge because there will always be issues none of you considered, but it will certainly help if your kids are not adamantly opposed to the idea.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU ARE READY TO REMARRY?

6.  You may be ready for remarriage if you have prepared for it like you would study for your college finals.  Before remarriage, the two of you should soak up as much wisdom as you can by talking to others who have remarried, reading great books, taking parenting classes, going to workshops and seminars, worshiping in church together, developing a prayer life together, and getting wise counsel. The benefits of a healthy marriage are worth much more! Know each other's love language, be well versed on the issues of love and respect, and discuss everything you can think of, from holidays to finances to sex to discipline.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU ARE READY TO REMARRY?

7.  You may be ready to remarry if you are not blaming God for taking your spouse or if you have forgiven yourself and your former partner and have established healthy boundaries with your former partner. If the thought, voice or sight of your former spouse still makes you burn with rage or kindles a pang of longing, you have heart work to do before you should remarry.   Memories of your former marriage should seem almost like a movie of someone else's life, with little emotion attached. You also have to have proper boundaries around your relationship with your former partner before remarriage. (Smalley)