Reading: The Heart of Remarriage part 2

FINANCES, SEX, AND CHILDREN (Delight or Destruction)

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

THE REMARITAL SEXUAL BED

You want God to fully bless your sexual union in remarriage, free from guilt or recrimination because remarital sex can also be accompanied by the "ghosts of marriages past.” In order to cast these ghosts outside of your bedroom for good, it is important to have some tips to not get caught in the past.

THE REMARITAL SEXUAL BED

1.  Don't make comparisons in your mind......or out loud!  "Why can't you touch me the way John did?” isn't going to breed confidence in your partner.  Keep your comparisons to yourself! Nor should you linger on comparisons in your own mind. Doing so keeps you looking back instead of connecting to the moment at hand.

2.  Stay open to new preferences. Your new spouse's sexual preferences may vary from the previous marriage. Don't think that what worked with your former spouse will work again. Listen to verbal and nonverbal messages telling you your spouse's preferences.

THE REMARITAL SEXUAL BED

3.  Calm your insecurities. If you were sexually rejected or traumatized in the past, be careful not to let your insecurities or anxiety run ahead of you.

4.  Give yourself time to develop a couple-groove. Learning to read each other, when to respond with a specific touch or what your couple sexual style is will take time. Learn as you go; share what you learn.

THE REMARITAL SEXUAL BED

5.  Confront your sexual ghosts. Don't be quick to make negative assumptions about your partner's motivations or behavior. When fearful, try to take small risks to increase your willingness to trust.

6.  Don't ignore sexual problems, and don't overreact. It's normal for couples to have a sexual complaint of some kind. Don't panic if you encounter difficulty. Talk it through and, if necessary, find a counselor to refer to. (Deal and Olson, The Smart Step-Family Marriage)

THE REMARITAL FINANCIAL UNION

It is very important to have common values about the spending and saving of money.  This can be a strong factor on what unites or divides a couple. This is more complicated in remarriage as financial history with assets and debts is something brought into the marriage separately.

In her book Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage, Patricia Schiff Estess reviews five stages of trust first identified by Anita and Edward Metzen.  

THE REMARITAL FINANCIAL UNION

1.  The Rose-Colored Glasses Stage.  In those romantic first moments, money talk seems crass or unimportant because the strength of love will handle everything (naiveté) or there will be no money conflicts (ignorance).

2.  The Don't-Rock-the-Boat Stage. Feelings of resentment or anger surface. Frequently such thoughts as, "Why should I resent his paying alimony? I knew about it before we got married.” or "I can't stand her cheapness when it comes to gift-giving. I like to give the best,” aren't voiced for fear that any stress would put too much pressure on the fragile new union.

THE REMARITAL FINANCIAL UNION

3.  The Lay-It-on-the-Table Stage. Couples painfully express their concerns to each other, feeling it's okay to be honest, to argue about spending priorities, and to speak candidly about their feelings, frustrations, and fears surrounding finances. A foundation of trust is being laid, albeit roughly.

4.  The Getting-It-Together-Stage. The couple has arrived at a mutually agreed-upon lifestyle and has established an effective method of handling finances and making financial decisions. This does not necessarily mean that they've commingled funds; just that they have agreed on contributions - both monetary contributions and contributions of time - and that they have a system in place for managing both jointly owned and separately owned property.

THE REMARITAL FINANCIAL UNION

5.  The Achieving-Stability Stage. The couple really feels in control of finances. Despite the ultimate instability of anyone's financial position, they now feel comfortable adjusting their goals or spending patterns as circumstances require. Their perspectives are integrated. They can handle change. (Deal and Olson, The Smart Step-Family Marriage) 

THE REMARITAL UNION WITH CHILDREN - BLESSINGS OR BONDAGE?

You are in a stepfamily if the dynamics fall into one of these formations:

• Both the husband and wife have divorce histories. At least one has young children to nurture. Most often, both have children in the formative years.
  
• One spouse has been divorced and has children, and the other spouse has not previously been married.
  

THE REMARITAL UNION WITH CHILDREN - BLESSINGS OR BONDAGE?

• A previously divorced husband or wife with children has married a partner who has lost a mate to death and is still rearing children.
  
• A divorced parent is co-parenting with an ex -spouse. This single parent and his or her children are dealing with the remarriage of the ex-spouse.
  
• You have grandchildren from an adult child who is divorced, remarried, or whose ex-spouse is remarried.
  

THE REMARITAL UNION WITH CHILDREN - BLESSINGS OR BONDAGE?

What do people that are in remarriages have in common?

• A child to care for.
  
• A remarriage of people who had previously raised their children with another spouse.
  
• Obligatory involvement with money.
  
• Another family who has significance in decisions and plans.
  
• The challenge of loving other people's children.
  

THE REMARITAL UNION WITH CHILDREN - BLESSINGS OR BONDAGE?

• A balancing act and tug of war. A parent cannot be expected to quit caring for a child just because of remarriage.
  
• A need to learn to live by new rules, much like people living in a new country. The old way will not work in this new family.
  
• Living with new hope - there is a God who can help us. We just need to make Him the centerpiece of the journey.  (Alsdorf)
  

STEPFAMILY MYTHS

MYTH #1: Love occurs instantly between the child and the stepparent - If we ponder on this, we recognize that establishing relationships takes time; that it does not happen overnight or by magic.

STEPFAMILY MYTHS

MYTH #2: Stepmothers are wicked. This myth is based on fairy stories that we all hear as children. Research tells us that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the family.  

 

MYTH #3: Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly - Because stepfamilies are such complicated families, the time it takes for people to get to know each other, to create positive relationships, and to develop some family history is significant - usually at least four years.

STEPFAMILY MYTHS

MYTH #4: Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological fathers (or mothers) withdraw - Children will always have two biological parents, and will adjust better if they can access both.

MYTH #5: Stepfamilies formed after a parent dies are easier - People need time to grieve the loss of a loved one, and a remarriage may "reactivate” unfinished grieving. These emotional issues may get played out in the new relationship with detrimental effects.

STEPFAMILY MYTHS

MYTH #6: Part-time stepfamilies are easier - Relationships take time. Stepfamilies where the children only visit occasionally are hampered by the lack of time to work on relationships.  (National Stepfamily Resource Center)

CO-PARENTING IN THE MIDST OF DIVORCE 

These are three concepts that should be in place in terms of managing and guarding the emotions of the children.

1.  Parents are able to bring their marital relationship to an end without excessive conflict.

2.  Children are not put into the middle of whatever conflicts exist.

3.  There is a commitment from parents to cooperate on issues of the children's material, physical, educational, emotional, and spiritual welfare.

SOME IMPORTANT REMINDERS FOR CO-PARENTS

 You will never lose your children's affections. Blood is very, very thick and nearly impossible to erase. Your children will not forget about you just because they have a new, rich, and/or entertaining stepparent. You, as a parent, would have to intentionally be a royal jerk before your children will consider leaving you behind.

Never make your children regret having affections for the other home. Remember that they have citizenship there, and forcing a loyalty battle only destroys them. Children need your permission to love their biological parent (your divorced spouse) and they need to see your psychological stability as they do so. Your permission to do so takes them out of the emotional tug of war and relieves the pressure to take care of you. They also need your acceptance of the relationship that they carve out with their stepparent. The more comfortable you are with the children's relationship in the other home, the more likely it is that they will honor you (and your new spouse).

SOME IMPORTANT REMINDERS FOR CO-PARENTS

Relax and let your children open the circle of insiders to include your new spouse at their own pace.  

If you have children who are protecting an under-functioning parent, do not try to force them away from the other parent. While your desire to remove your child's need or to rescue is valid, coaching your child away from the other parent feels to the child like a betrayal. Express concern and gently help them to decide what their boundaries with the other parent should be. 

(Deal, The Smart Step-Family: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family) 

SOME IMPORTANT REMINDERS FOR CO-PARENTS

Children need to know that the parent's divorce is not their responsibility and that they will live with one parent and visit the other.

Children also will need the continuing guidance from both parents.

Children should be encouraged to ask questions and have honest answers about the changing family relationships.

BIOLOGICAL BOND: 

For an in-depth look at this subject, please refer to Dr. Don Partridge's book, "Loving Your Stepfamily.” He is an expert in this field and has much to say about nuclear and biological bonding. In Loving Your Stepfamily, he says,  "When a child is born, a powerful lifetime biological bond is formed between child and parent. Parents may establish close loving relationships with other children, but those relationships do not compare with the connection parents have with their own children.  The bond between parents and children and the bond between married couples are considered to be identical.  The Bible makes no distinction between the two. The one-flesh bond between couples is considered by the Bible to be the same as the one-flesh bond between parent and the child.” 

UNDERSTANDING THE BIOLOGICAL BOND AND INTERVENTIONS AS A STEPPARENT

Children have a God-given bond with their biological parents.

A child's bond to the parent should not be forced to change because of divorce unless for some reason the child would be in danger and the situation dictates that the child be protected.

Children are to be disciplined by the person they are biologically bonded to. Until a bond can be formed with the stepparent, discipline is the biological parent's responsibility.

Children need time and attention from the person they are bonded to, so the relationship can continue to grow and the child's loss can be minimized.

UNDERSTANDING THE BIOLOGICAL BOND AND INTERVENTIONS AS A STEPPARENT

Adults divorce adults, but they do not divorce children.  This bond is not to be broken.

Stepparents must learn to respect and honor the bond that their new spouse has with his or her biological children, allowing the relationship to continue to develop and thrive.

Stepparents and remarried parents must accept the natural bond that the children have with the noncustodial parent, as this bond is every bit as important as the bond the child has with the parents with whom they live.

Messing with the bond will lead to trouble because in so doing, you are tampering with powerful loyalties (God-given loyalties between parent and child.) (Alsdorf)

INSIDERS AND OUTSIDERS

We have been establishing the insiders who are biologically related and those who are not.  Outsiders often feel like they don't belong and frequently try to force their way in with insiders. The biological parent in stepfamilies maintains a relationship to both insiders (their children) and outsiders (new spouse and his or her children) and therefore must position the stepparent as his or her teammate.

NEEDS FOR THE COUPLE IN THE REMARRIAGE 

If the biological parent does not help the outside stepparent into a leadership position, the stepparent is likely to try to force his or her way in. Or the stepparent may go the opposite direction and create a wall and state that they "do not want anything to do with the stepchildren.” This could cause resulting resentment and resistance from the insiders.  Again, jealousy, rejection, and anger are common emotions.