Reading: The Heart of Remarriage part 3

NEEDS FOR THE COUPLE IN THE REMARRIAGE

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

NEEDS FOR THE COUPLE IN THE REMARRIAGE 

The couple should give time and energy to the marriage and not let their children keep them apart. Including the new spouse in parenting decisions, setting up a date night and keeping it, and taking a few minutes each day to connect as a couple without interruption are a few simple but significant ways to communicate the unity of the couple to the children.

NEEDS FOR THE COUPLE IN THE REMARRIAGE 

Now, let's balance these ideas with again noting that biological parents must take a "both/and” stance with their children and new spouse. They must invest time and energy in both. Early in the remarriage, for example, it is especially important to stay connected with your children. But eventually, the marriage must be made a priority, even in front of the children. (Deal, The Smart Step-Family: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family).

NEEDS FOR THE COUPLE IN THE REMARRIAGE 

Another reason it is so vitally important the children are shown the importance of the relationship of the remarriage is because it gives every family member the best chance for success at integrating into a new family formation. A good marriage does not ensure stepfamily satisfaction or contentment among the children, but without a strong marriage, all family members will continue to feel unsafe, making integration nearly impossible.  (Smalley)

How Strong is Your Marriage?

How strong is your marriage? For the last 25 years, Dr. John Gottman of the Family Research Lab at the University of Washington has been studying what he calls the "masters and disasters” of marriage. He listens to married couples talk about each other and their marriage as he measures their heart rates observes facial expressions and evaluates how they describe their mate and their marriage. Based on Gottman's findings, he created a free marriage quiz that is designed to provide you with results that can arm you with the knowledge you need to strengthen your marriage.  Gottman is able to predict with 90 percent accuracy which couples' marriages will make it over the long haul, and which will not. Test the strength of your marriage by taking this 22-question relationship quiz. Don't let it scare you into thinking your marriage is doomed if you bomb. Take it as a challenge to enjoy discovering each other at a much deeper level.  

How Strong is Your Marriage?

I can name my partner's best friends.

___Yes

___No

I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing.

___Yes

___No

I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.

___Yes

___No

I can tell you some of my partner's life dreams.

___Yes

___No

How Strong is Your Marriage

I can tell you about my partner's basic philosophy of life.

___Yes

___No

I can list the relatives my partner liked the least.

___Yes

___No

I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.

___Yes

___No

When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner.

___Yes

___No

How Strong is Your Marriage?

I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.

___Yes

___No

My partner really respects me.

___Yes

___No

There is fire and passion in this relationship.

___Yes

___No

Romance is definitely still a part of our relationship.

___Yes

___No

How Strong is Your Marriage?

My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship.

___Yes

___No

My partner generally likes my personality.

___Yes

___No

Our sex life is mostly satisfying.

___Yes

___No

At the end of the day, my partner is glad to see me.

___Yes

___No

How Strong is Your Marriage?

My partner is one of my best friends.

___Yes

___No

We just love talking to each other.

___Yes

___No

There is lots of give and take (both people have influence) in our discussions.

___Yes

___No

My partner listens respectfully, even when we disagree.

___Yes

___No

How Strong is Your Marriage?

My partner is usually a great help as a problem solver.

___Yes

___No

We generally mesh well on basic values and goals in life.

___Yes

___No

Now add up the number of times you checked "yes” and then use the following guide to help you interpret your score.  YES__________

How Strong is Your Marriage?

16-22:  Green Light

If you scored in the 16-22 range, your relationship is probably in good or even great shape at this time.  But there is an emphasis of "at this time" because relationships don't stand still. In the next 12 months, you will either have a stronger, happier relationship, or you could head in the other direction. To visualize where your remarriage stands, think of yourself as currently driving down the road, going through a green light. There's no need to stop what you're doing. Keep cruising along, making the most of your marriage. But remember that you're moving all the time. Keep moving together, and don't stop working to make your relationship all it can be.

How Strong is Your Marriage?

8 to 15: Yellow Light

If you scored in the 8-15 range, you're approaching a yellow light in your remarriage. You need to be cautious.  While you may be happy now in your relationship, your score reveals warning signs of negative patterns you can't afford to let take hold. Check your heart for hardening.  Keep your heart flowing with God's love as the wellspring of life. If you landed in this range, you should take steps now to protect and improve what you have together.  Expend some extra effort on your marriage right now and you'll avoid a lot of heartache in the future. You can have a lifetime of love together if you nurture each other's hearts now.

How Strong is Your Marriage?

0-7: Red Light

Finally, if you scored in the 0-7 range, it's like approaching a red light. You must stop and think about where the two of you are headed. Your score indicates the presence of "germs” that have infected your marriage and could put your relationship at significant risk. You may be heading for trouble or you are already there. Don't give up! As long as there is life left in your body there is time for your hearts to heal. You know what you need to do. Get your focus off your own happiness and turn your eyes back to God. He can turn your hearts back to each other. (Smalley)

STEPPING STONES LEADING TO A HEALTHY INTEGRATION

1.  Spiritual integrity - demands that we allow Jesus to be Lord over our heart and home.

2.  Listening and understanding - help family members to develop compassion and empathy for one another.

3.  Perseverance - will help you stay the course when the going gets tough.

4.  Commitment - expresses itself in dedication to fulfilling your marital vows.

STEPPING STONES LEADING TO A HEALTHY INTEGRATION

5.  Patience - means enjoying your stepfamily as it is, instead of pushing everyone to arrive at the Promised Land on your schedule.

6.  Flexibility - includes changing your assumptions of how things should be and opening yourself to creative solutions to common problems.

7.  Humor - the gift that focuses on the bright side of the dark moments.  (Deal, The Smart Step-Family: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family).

GAIN SOLID FOUNDATION IN THE GUIDANCE OF THE LORD JESUS

1.  Take your wounds and disappointment to God and ask Him to be the great heart and soul Physician for your current need.

2.  When you come to Him with your life, your cares, and your needs, He places His yoke upon you, and Scripture says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Many of our problems lie in trying to do life in our own strength.

GAIN SOLID FOUNDATION IN THE GUIDANCE OF THE LORD JESUS

3.  Accept that life in the blended family can be hard and it can be with blessing, and all must be turned to God. Claim His presence with you always. Come to God, advance toward Him daily.  Trust that He is your helper, and lean into that truth. Find your confidence in Christ.

4.  Say with confidence every day, "The Lord is my helper!” Hebrews 13: 5-6 states, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?”  (Alsdorf)  

GAIN SOLID FOUNDATION IN THE GUIDANCE OF THE LORD JESUS

While seeking another chance at love, we must realize that it is possible for this new relationship to be lived in the spirit of restoration and acceptance of what is now our new reality. The only way to survive the unexpected twists and turns of remarriage is to put Christ solidly at the center of the relationship.  (Focus On The Family)

A PRAYER FOR THIS REMARRIAGE:

Father, whenever we communicate, help us to uphold the priority of our marriage, permitting no other relationship to weaken ours. May we always, in all our conversations, uphold the oneness of our marriage, understanding that what affects one always affects the other.

May we allow open and honest communication, encourage vulnerability and authenticity. May we never be guilty of breaking each other's spirit. Rather, may we affirm and strengthen one another so that together we can endure any weakness, any failure and not lose hope.

Father, help us to sharpen our communication skills.  Teach us to communicate with our eyes to convey our delight in each other's presence, to say, "I love you,” to let our loved one know even in a crowded room, "You're special to me.” Remind us to give each other the gift of our full attention when we talk.

A PRAYER FOR THIS REMARRIAGE:

Teach us to respond to what is said so that our mate knows he or she is being heard. Help us to keep a confidence, to build a wall of trust so that we are free to share all that is in our hearts. And as we listen, Lord, help us to avoid giving quick or pat answers. Help us to listen patiently. Remind us that our loved one does not always want advice. Sometimes we just want to be heard; to say it, and to get it off our chest.

Father, may we feel the freedom to open up and share our fears. Sometimes it is difficult to admit weakness or fear, but we need to be able to talk to someone and, of all people, it should be our spouse. May we also know that we don't always have to dispel each other's fears, nor should we think we have the cure. May we just learn to listen....listen and pray?

A PRAYER FOR THIS REMARRIAGE:

Father, we all need to have that sense of significance, of worth, of security, so teach us to continually look for ways, for words in private and in public, to build our loved one's self-esteem.  When one of us shares with the other, may we learn not to attack each other verbally.  May the goal of all our conversations be for the building up of one another, the healing of one another and the encouragement of one another so our loved one will want to talk, to communicate.  May our words never be demeaning or destructive.

And finally, Father, when our tempers flare, may we make it a practice not to lay our heads on our pillows and close our eyes until we have resolved our anger.  You tell us very clearly, "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.”

A PRAYER FOR THIS REMARRIAGE:

As we look at the one lying on the pillow beside us, may we remember that this is the one to whom we made our vows to love in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse until death do us part.

Help us to realize, Father that a marriage like the one we prayed for is a marriage that speaks to all the world of the power and indestructible joy of living in obedience to the Word of God.  A marriage that demonstrates to the world that with You it is possible to have a marriage without regrets: a marriage that gives others a snapshot of the marriage of the Lamb and the heavenly home You have prepared for us.  (A prayer for Marriage by Kay Arthur)

Works Cited 

Alsdorf, Ray, and Debbie. Beyond the Brady Bunch. East Sussex: David C. Cook, 2010. Print.

Deal, Ron L., and David H. Olson. The Smart Step-Family Marriage. Bloomington: Bethany House Publishers, 2015. Print.

Deal, Ron L. The Smart Step-Family: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family. Bloomington: Bethany House Publishers, 2002. Print.

Focus On The Family. The Blended Marriage. Bloomington: Bethany House Publishers, 2014. Print.

Smalley, Gary, and Greg. The Heart of Remarriage. Ventura: Regal Books, 2010. Print.