Reading: Successful Parenting Within A Godly Marriage part 3

SUCCESSFUL PARENTING WITHIN A GODLY MARRIAGE

Part 3

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

NUTS AND BOLTS OF PARENTING - LOVE AND LOGIC 

RULE #1 FOR PARENTS

Act without frustration or anger.

Stop using threats and repeated warnings.

Set a limit once.

Make statements you can enforce.

Give kids a healthy sense of control.

NUTS AND BOLTS OF PARENTING - LOVE AND LOGIC 

RULE #2 FOR PARENTS

Always provide a strong dose of empathy before delivering a consequence.

Replace punishment with logical consequences.

When possible, show your child how to solve his or her own problem.

NUTS AND BOLTS OF PARENTING - LOVE AND LOGIC 

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A PERFECT PARENT TO RAISE A GREAT KID

THREE DIFFERENT RESPONSIBILITIES THAT MUST BE EMBRACED AS A PARENT IN ORDER TO ESTABLISH A PUNISHMENT-FREE, LOVE-FILLED, RESPECTFUL ENVIRONMENT IN YOUR HOMES (AND A FOURTH VERY HELPFUL FOUNDATION)

1. THE FIRST RESPONSIBILITY as a parent is to take care of and manage you. In order to take care of you, we need to learn how to set up healthy boundaries with our children. We need to put a fence around our yard, complete with a gate.  (Silk)

NUTS AND BOLTS OF PARENTING - LOVE AND LOGIC 

Boundaries communicate value for what is inside of those boundaries. If you have several junk cars out in a field, it's called an eyesore. If you put a fence around those cars, then you have a wrecking yard. And, if you put a building around those cars, you have a garage. With each increase of limits, you increase the value of what is inside.  When you raise the level of what you require before you will allow access, you increase the value of what you have.  

NUTS AND BOLTS OF PARENTING - LOVE AND LOGIC 

Passive parents have no fence around their gardens because the passive relational style says, "Your needs matter; mine don't. Often, these parents struggle to get a respectful response from their children because they've done a good job communicating to their kids that they do not respect themselves.  

There are also Christian parents who are more aggressive and teach their kids that it's the children's job to keep a safe distance from them. They have an electric fence around their garden. Get too close and you will get zapped. Their aggressive style says, "My needs matter; yours don't.”  

NUTS AND BOLTS OF PARENTING - LOVE AND LOGIC 

Another way to set healthy boundaries is telling those around you what you will be doing instead of trying to get others to do something for you.  As parents, it is easy to get into the routine of barking out commands, "Pick it up!” "Come here.”  "Stop being so noisy.”  "Be nice to your brother!” Our homes are filled with the illusionary practice of controlling each other.

NUTS AND BOLTS OF PARENTING - LOVE AND LOGIC 

Practice being powerful by controlling something you do control: namely, yourself.  Say things like, "I will listen to you when your voice is as soft as mine. Take your time.” Or, "I will manage your fight with your brother just like a referee. Only I charge ten dollars each for each fight I referee.  Ready? Go!” When we make these statements, we have the ability to enforce what we say is important to us, and it does not require other people to give us control over them. We simply control what we can control.

NUTS AND BOLTS OF PARENTING - LOVE AND LOGIC 

Disconnect the Big Red Button. As your children get a little older and a little smarter, their "not fun to be with” episodes are going to become more sophisticated. In short, they are going to learn to talk back to you, and when they're not being fun, that talk can look like defiance, arguments, and disrespect. And that's the big red button on the chest of most Christian parents - disrespect. Dealing with this at a very early age can provide a lifesaving base for future parenting with a difference of opinion.  (Silk)  

NUTS AND BOLTS OF PARENTING - LOVE AND LOGIC 

2. THE SECOND RESPONSIBILITY AS A PARENT is to set and enforce healthy limits with your children by giving them choices and consequences. When we give our children choices, we validate them by recognizing they need power in their relationships with us. If we act like we have all of the power and they have none when they're little, it sets us up for a pretty rough transition when they're older and it's time to share the power. In our children's adolescence, we can mistakenly figure these power struggles are about respect and their value for us as parents more than about our kids needing self-control. 

NUTS AND BOLTS OF PARENTING - LOVE AND LOGIC 

In our panic to preserve our status in the relationship, we end up getting so crazy that we blurt out, "Do you want to live or die?” "Do you ever want to see the light of day again?”  "Do you want me to give you something to cry about?”  "Wait till your father comes home.” And on and on.  (Silk)

SOME SAMPLE LOVE AND LOGIC ONE LINERS:

The child says: You say:

"Buy why?” "Why do you think?” 

"I hate you” or "You hate me.” "I'm sorry you feel that way.”

"Dad lets me.” "I know.” 

"Not fair!”  "I'll listen to you when your voice sounds like mine.”

Just about anything your "I love you too much to a child might say: argue.” (Fay) 

BIBLICAL GUIDELINE

Ephesians 6:1-4  Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  "Honor your father and mother"--- which is the first commandment----with a promise "That it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."  Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

THREE GUIDELINES FOR CHOICES:

a)  The first guideline for offering good choices is that either option that the parent has laid out for the child is something that the parent would be happy for the child to choose. If the parent offers a child a choice between what we want them to do and what we don't want them to do, then we set them up to choose poorly just to feel powerful.

THREE GUIDELINES FOR CHOICES:

You want to give choices where either choice is great for you.  "Do you want to do what I say, or do you want me to spank you?” is not a good choice, because one of those does not make you happy, and any kid that is trying to win a power struggle will choose the second option: "Spank me.  Go ahead. Make my day.”  So let's try again.  "Do you want to clean your room or pay me to do it for you?” is an empowering set of choices because you can be happy with either outcome.  

THREE GUIDELINES FOR CHOICES:

b)  The second guideline for offering good choices is that you have to make sure that your child understands the choices being offered. When you tell them to clean their rooms, for example, you need to know that the picture of the completed job in their mind matches the one in yours. (Silk)

THREE GUIDELINES FOR CHOICES:

c)  Now, here's the final guideline for offering choices.  This is the point where most parents don't know what to do.  The parent has given the child a choice where either outcome is great, and the parent has made sure that the child understands the task at hand.  But the thing is when the parent offers a kid a choice between A or B, any kid with a brain is going to say, "C”.  How do you get them to stick with either A or B?  This is where you need to have a plan --- a plan to enforce your choices with consequences. (Silk) 

THREE GUIDELINES FOR CHOICES:

Offering choices and enforcing consequences guides our children progressively toward taking ownership of their lives, their choices, their responsibilities, and their problems. There are two types of parental intervention we want to avoid in order to do this successfully. The first type of intervention is swooping into the situation and fixing the problem (Helicopter parenting) and the second is presenting a consequence mixed with anger and punishment.

THREE GUIDELINES FOR CHOICES:

Swooping in to fix your child's problem effectively prevents him or her from taking ownership for it. This is an example of a family where the parents were saying, "We've got a big problem at home.  Our kids are trying to kill each other.  They hurt each other all of the time, and we're constantly pulling them apart.”  (Silk) 

THREE GUIDELINES FOR CHOICES:

How about parenting with anger and punishment?  When someone gets angry about your mistake, his or her anger diverts your focus from dealing with the poor choice you made or the problem you're having with that person to your need to defend yourself. It attacks, weakens, and destroys the connection between two people. Anger is your enemy, even passive-aggressive anger - often the Christian's kind of anger.  Passive-aggressive anger is expressed in cutting sarcasm or criticism, rejection, or withholding love.    

THREE GUIDELINES FOR CHOICES:

Instead, you want to be able to offer sadness when your child makes a mistake. Remember, consequences are some of the best teachers. And sadness and empathy help to keep the focus on the real problem. Anger violates and sabotages the very goals that you most desire for your children when they fail - not only that they learn from their mistakes, but also that they can lean into their relationship with their parents as a source of wisdom and comfort as they go through that learning process.

THREE GUIDELINES FOR CHOICES:

Sadness and empathy are what the Holy Spirit shows us when we fail. He does not punish us. He comforts us. He shows us that He is sad for us, and invites us to come, of our own free will, to benefit from His great wisdom and power for fixing problems. (John 14:26, John 16:13, Galatians 4:6) The Holy Spirit's response to our failure actually helps us to trust Him more. And when we respond to our children like the Holy Spirit responds to us, our children will trust us more because they learn that they can fail in front of us.  (Silk)

ANGER VERSUS EMPATHY

CONSEQUENCES WITH ANGER

"Stop spitting that food! Quit it! That's it! I'm sick and tired of this! You'll just have to go to bed hungry!”

"For crying out loud! If you would just take care of your toys, they would not break.  No! I won't buy you another. What do you think? Do you think money grows on trees?”

"No, I am not taking you out for pizza. What do you expect after the way you behaved last time? I hope this teaches you a lesson!”

"Quit that whining! How many times do I have to tell you? Stop it! Go to your room!”

CONSEQUENCES WITH EMPATHY

"How sad. Dinner is over.”

"Bummer. I feel so sad when I break my things.”

"This is so sad.  We can have pizza sometime when I don't have to worry about tantrums at the restaurant.”

"Uh-oh. So sad. Looks like a little bedroom time.” (Fay)

APPROPRIATE CONSEQUENCES: 

Fit the misbehavior.

Focus on poor choices, not "bad” children.

Address the present, not the past.

Are wrapped in a loving blanket of empathy.

Are not accompanied by lectures, reminders, or guilt trips.

Can be enforced consistently.

Teach your child wisdom. (Fay) 

 THE THIRD RESPONSIBILITY AS A PARENT

3. THE THIRD RESPONSIBILITY AS A PARENT is to lead your children to have a high value for their connection with you by helping them understand how their choices affect your relationship, particularly when it comes to helping them clean up their messes. (Galatians 5:1, 13 NASB) "It was for freedom that Christ set us free----For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” 

THE THIRD RESPONSIBILITY AS A PARENT

If we are going to train our children to handle freedom as the priority of relationship, then we need to do our best to help our kids make a strong connection between these two messages: "I love you very much,” and "What are you going to do?” When we tie choices, questions, and limits to the message of love, our kids learn that those are essential aspects of learning to manage their end of a relationship for which we have a very high value. They learn that managing their freedom is what cultivates and protects a respectful, loving connection with us. Our desire as parents should be that their value for that connection becomes the thing that directs them in the choices they make. Ultimately, the way that God intends for them to be governed is by their value for their connection with God. (Silk)

THE THIRD RESPONSIBILITY AS A PARENT

Making room for people to choose is what builds a culture of honor. If a parent establishes a way of relating to their children in which they don't have a choice, they learn that the only needs that matter are the parent's. This leads them to develop a self-concept where they either fight back to get their needs met or they believe their needs don't matter.

Learning to distinguish assertiveness from disrespect is one important part of cultivating a healthy environment of honor. As you sow respect into your encounters with your children by making room for them to assert themselves, you will reap respect. (Silk)

THE FOURTH FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLE 

4. THE FOURTH FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLE - For every child to feel love, we must learn to speak their unique love language. Every child has a special way of perceiving love. There are basically five ways children (indeed, all people) speak and understand emotional love. They are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service.  (Chapman)

LOVE LANGUAGES

Physical Touch - Physical touch is the easiest love language to use unconditionally because parents need no special occasion or excuse for making physical contact. They have almost constant opportunity to transfer love to the heart of a child with touch. The language of touch is not confined to hugging and kissing but includes any kind of physical contact.  Even when they are busy, parents can often gently touch a child on the back, arm, or shoulder.  (Chapman) 

LOVE LANGUAGES

Words of Affirmation - In communicating love, words are very powerful. Words of affection and endearment, words of praise and encouragement, words that give positive guidance all say, "I care about you.” Such words are like a gentle, warm rain falling on the soul; they nurture the child's inner sense of worth and security. Conversely, cutting words, spoken out of short-lived frustration, can hurt a child's self-esteem and cause doubts about his abilities. The ancient Hebrew proverb did not overstate the reality, "The tongue has the power of life and death.” (Chapman)

LOVE LANGUAGES

Quality Time - Quality time is focused attention. It means giving a child your undivided attention. Most infants receive plenty of quality time - feeding and changing alone give the children hours of focused attention. However, as the child grows, the giving of quality time becomes more difficult, because it requires real sacrifice on the part of the parents. This does not require that you go anywhere special. You can provide focused attention almost anywhere, and your most nurturing quality times will often be at home when you are alone with your child. (Chapman)

LOVE LANGUAGES

Gifts - The giving and receiving of gifts can be a powerful expression of love, at the time they are given and often extending into later years. The most meaningful gifts become symbols of love, and those that truly convey love are part of a love language  Yet for parents to truly speak love language four - gifts - the child must feel that his parents genuinely care. For this reason, the other love languages must be given along with a gift. The child's emotional love tank needs to be kept in order for the gift to express heartfelt love. (Chapman)

LOVE LANGUAGES

Acts of Service - Acts of service can become a model for your child's service and responsibility. You may wonder how your children will develop their own independence and competence if you serve them. But as you express your love through acts of service to your children, doing things they may not yet be able to do for themselves, you are setting a model. This will help them escape their self-centered focus and help others' that's our ultimate goal as parents. (Chapman) 

LOVE LANGUAGES

The ability to determine your child's love language can be found in the book, "The Five Love Languages of Children” and includes the Five Love Languages Assessment tool for children. (Chapman)

WORKS CITED

Bibliography

Anthony, Michelle. Spiritual Parenting: An Awakening for Today's Families. East Sussex: David C. Cook, 2010. Print.

Chapman, Gary Ph.D., Campbell, Ross M.D. The Five Love Languages of Children. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2005. Print.

Cloud, Henry Ph.D., Townsend, John Ph.d. Raising Great Kids. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1999. Print.

Fay, Jim, Charles, Fay Ph.D. Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years. Golden: Love and Logic Institute, Inc., 2000. Print.

Kimmel, Tim Ph.d. Grace Based Parenting. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004. Print.

Silk, Danny. Loving Our Kids On Purpose. Shippensburg: Destiny Image Publishers, Inc., 2008. Print.

Tripp, Tedd. Shepherding a Child's Heart. Wapwallopen: Shepherd Press, 1995. Print.