Reading: Successful Parenting Within A Godly Marriage part 2

SUCCESSFUL PARENTING WITHIN A GODLY MARRIAGE

Part 2

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

THE GOAL OF PARENTING IS A CHILD WITH GODLY CHARACTER

HELP YOUR CHILD DEVELOP CHARACTER

When you help your child develop character, you are addressing the heart of parenting.  Character provides a toolkit of spiritual and emotional skills that prepare a child to succeed in life.  You can give children all the "advantages” - security, good schools, churches, and camps - but if they don't develop character, they can quickly lose the advantage of the advantages.  (Cloud)

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

1. ATTACHMENT/CONNECTEDNESS - All of the tasks of life are based, at some level, on how attached we are to God and others. Kids who are emotionally connected in healthy ways are more secure. The connected child looks within himself for what he can provide, and then goes to God and others for the rest. The detached child is left to fend for himself and does not have sufficient resources to conduct life on his own. (Cloud)

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

How attachment happens - The child must experience the reality that relationship is good and that it brings the necessary elements of life. When your child learns this emotionally, he structures his existence to seek relationship to sustain him. He becomes relationally-oriented rather than self-oriented. Often it is the mother's task to invite her child from isolation into relationship. This is as elementary as responding with close attention for her child's differing cries, so as to meet the child's appropriate need for comfort, warmth, changing, or safety. The child learns during these times that reaching outside him for help brings things he needs.  (Cloud and Townsend)

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

2. RESPONSIBILITY - Your child is born thinking her life is your problem. During the beginning of life, this is true. But part of growing character is helping the child to take ownership over his life and see life as his problem. As the child takes responsibility for their choices, the child gradually experiences freedom and self-control. The child who learns that responsibility is their friend is the child who has a head start on life.  They are not imprisoned by their impulses or resentment of authority.  They are free to say no to bad choices.

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Develop responsibility with or without your child's permission - There is a fundamental problem: from the beginning, the child has no interest whatsoever in becoming responsible.  They are, by definition, without self-control. Instead, they are into other control, mostly by manipulating their parents into taking care of things for them. And, thinking they are loving them, parents often take on responsibilities for their children. Taking such responsibility for your children negates and stifles their ability to shoulder life as they grow up.  

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Love - Children learn responsibility only from a loved state. A parent must forge an emotional alliance with their child before the child will develop any sense of responsibility. The child must know that even when you and he disagree, you are "for” him - his welfare, safety, best interests, and growth.

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Empathize/compassion- Demonstrate these attributes towards your child who is struggling to develop responsible character. The child's rage, defiance, or whining may be hard on you. But your child is in lots of pain himself and that is why he is protesting. Your child has to give up on an entire way of looking at life. The philosophy of "Don't worry, let them do it” is being replaced by, "Worry, this does affect me.” This is distressing for the child.

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Truth - Love is a necessary but insufficient quality to develop character. It is not enough to make the child feel safe and attached. The child also needs to know the truths of her responsibilities and duties in life in order to learn, execute, and internalize. (Cloud)

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Freedom - Is at the heart of responsibility.  No one who is not free to walk away can choose to follow God or you. Your child needs to be free to say no to obeying you. If your child must obey, her character is not growing. She may be learning how to play your game, or merely externally complying, but she is not becoming a person of integrity. A child who is not free to reject your rules is living in fear. If you can force your child to submit to you, it is probably because she is afraid of the loss of love, abandonment, attack, and condemnation. Lastly, a child needs freedom so that if she chooses wrongly and suffers a painful consequence, she will look at herself as the problem, not you.

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Freedom - Example:  To tell a child the rules is to assume you are giving her a choice. That's an illusion. Truly give her a choice, and let her know she has one. When she says defiantly, "You can't make me,” agree completely.  "You're right, I certainly can't.” (But I can hold off giving you dessert until you freely choose to eat your beans).

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

3. REALITY - This character trait deals with the ability of your child to accept the negatives of the world around them. Friends (and parents) will let them down. The child himself will let others down. The parent will need to assist the child in dealing with sin, loss, failure, and evil, not only in the child but in others and in the world.

Losing well - Losing well, with the ability to continue on, is one of the most important character traits a parent can develop in their child. Reality is a place where things do not always go as we would like. When we fail or when circumstances do not turn out as we had hoped, we have to keep going and try to make the best of a bad situation. Your child's ability to do this will be a factor in how well their life goes.

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Opportunity to fail - Sometimes parents are so overprotective, a child cannot "blow it.” They don't have the opportunity to find out that they can't do everything they thought they could. Appropriate risk-taking and freedom to attempt new skills give children the chance to find out they do not know everything, nor do they know how to do everything. New experiences humble us.

Faith Muscles - The best gift that we can give our children is the confidence to see that we believe everything is filtered (even the bad stuff) through God's hands. We need to release our control of their circumstances. We need to start looking at these hard things that happen in our kids' lives as things that God wants to use to refine them - and then we need to walk with them, prayerfully, and model for them how they should respond in grace under trial.

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

4. COMPETENCE - Children need training to develop their God-given gifts and talents.  They need to develop their skill not only in specialty areas such as art, sports, or science, but also in everyday matters, such as decision-making, judgment, and work ethics.   God designed us to not only be in relationship and to connect, but to be productive in the world, to contribute meaningfully to others in a significant way.

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Develop Real Self - Making children feel bad does not motivate them to do better.  Nor does making them feel good guard them from all of life's pitfalls.  Please, parents, give them a combination of grace and truth, and they will feel safe enough to be real. Your children need, above all, to develop a "real” self. They need to know that it is okay to fail, to hurt, or to be less than perfect. They need to feel secure in bringing their bad parts to the relationship. If they can be real, their pains and problems can be cured. There is no problem that the grace and guidance of a loving parent cannot get them through.  

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

The Results:

• Be real and honest about who you are
  
• Let go of failure and losses
  
• Forgive and be forgiven
  
• Reconcile with others
  
• Face failures and learn from them
  
• Solve problems and persevere
  
• Enjoy life and the process without the pressure to be "perfect”
  
• Love people who are real and imperfect themselves
  
• Hold on to and pursue ideals even when they have not reached them or fail them 
  

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

From an early age, children will benefit from what is called a stimulus-rich environment: lots of different activities to engage in at appropriate developmental levels. Before school age, invest in interactive toys and art supplies that will help children imagine and create. As they get older, expose them not only to school, but to sports, the arts, the sciences, church involvement, and helping others. These play tasks are the beginnings of what will ultimately become work tasks.  Your child is working by playing.

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Help your child see that commitment, investment, practice, and energy all translate to expertise in a task or talent. Give them the long-term experience. Don't let them quit team sports or other activities and lessons before the end of the season unless there is a serious problem. This teaches commitment and integrity.  (Cloud and Townsend)

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

5. CONSCIENCE/MORALITY - An internal sense of right and wrong is a growth process in children. God has granted within a person the awareness for developing moral standards, which include the following: 

• An awareness of right and wrong
  
• The morals that will guide the child
  
• An internal ability to weigh moral decisions
  
• An ability to self-correct
  
• A proper internal response to violating a standard
  
• A desire to do right
  

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Pretend for a moment that you are spying on a group of kids who are considering doing something "against the rules,” something all of them know they should not do.  In the discussion this is what is heard:

"I'm not going to do that. My mom would be super upset.”

"I'm not, either. I would feel really bad. I don't even think I'd enjoy it.”

"No way am I going to, either. We might get caught.”

"I don't think it's a good idea at all. We might get hurt.”

"Me, neither, it's wrong.”

"I really don't want to. I think it would make my parents sad.”

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

As you hear these kids discuss the potential consequences of their upcoming choice, which child would you like to be yours? All of them have decided not to break the rules, but for different reasons. Some are keeping the rule because of fear of punishment, getting caught, or getting into trouble with a parent. Others have internal reasons, such as how he might feel or how he would like to keep the rules. Another one is concerned about the effect of his behavior on the parents. Their parents were not there ---or were they?

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

God has wired us to internalize our parents' guidance, values, and correction so that these things become part of us and guide us through life. As Proverbs says, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (22:6). So, to some degree, a parent is always "in the room” with a child in that the parent's training stays with a child and is part of his internal guidance system or conscience.  (Cloud and Townsend)

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

SOME GOOD VALUES: 

Here are some values that are good to instill in your children:

Love, honor, obedience, and the pursuit of God (seek Him first in everything)

Love and its derivatives

Compassion, forgiveness, mercy, grace, kindness

Truth and its derivatives

Honesty, integrity, directness, taking moral stands, confession, respect for reality

Humility

Faith (acting and ordering life on things unseen)

Faithfulness and loyalty

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Service and sacrifice (giving, offering, and sacrificing of self for others and higher values)

Stewardship (taking God's gifts and one's possessions seriously)

Respect (for other people and their property)

Obedience and submission (to God, parents, law and government, and other legitimate authority)

Self- control and self-discipline (delay of gratification)

Courage (pushing on through fear, faith, and risk-taking)

Sexual wholeness (Purity, respect for God's creation, limits, embracing and celebrating sexuality)

Fun (celebration and enjoyment of life and God's blessings and creation)

Development of talents and work (congruence with pursuing the true self that God created)

Furthering God's life to others (evangelism, missions, helping) (Cloud and Townsend) 

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

6. WORSHIP - Your child has been created in the image of God. Certain tasks foster character development in spiritual growth. As a parent, a goal can be, "We are working on helping our child learn that God is a better parent to our child than we are.” Your child needs to see that you are a better parent to your child by virtue of being connected to God. As you go to the Source in prayer, worship, and study, you receive what you need to love your child better.

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Your faith matters to your child's faith. More than in any other character capacity, spiritual development is "caught” more than taught.  Spiritual growth involves many conceptual understandings, so your child will internalize more of what you are with God and her than what you teach. (Share stories of God's presence in one of my counseling times)

Your own alive, defined, active, and honest faith is critical as your child seeks to understand and attach to a vague invisible God. Let this be tangible. 

THE SIX ASPECTS OF CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR CHILD:

Dependence on God - There is one major difference in your child's relationship with you and with God. Your role of a parent is temporary. God's is not. You are working yourself out of a job. If you are successful, your child will relate to you as an equal adult in life. So your own parenting has much to do with handing over more adult freedoms and duties to your child. However, this is not true with your child and God. Your child was designed to be God's kid forever. He should never "leave” God and "cleave” to someone else. While you are helping your child to need you less, you are helping him to need God more.  (Cloud and Townsend)

SUCCESSFUL PARENTING WITHIN GODLY MARRIAGE

Love is transferred from generation to generation.  An example is shared from Michelle Anthony in the book, "Spiritual Parenting."