Reading: Successful Parenting Within A Godly Marriage part 1

SUCCESSFUL PARENTING WITHIN GODLY MARRIAGE

Part 1

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

SUCCESSFUL PARENTING WITHIN GODLY MARRIAGE 

There are many sources in our world today that tell parents that if they don't feed their children certain ways, or discipline them certain ways, or educate them certain ways, then they are setting their children up for certain doom.  

SUCCESSFUL PARENTING WITHIN GODLY MARRIAGE 

Children are free agents and capable of resisting even the most effective parenting plans available.  It's also fair to say that doing certain things as a parent obviously raises the odds that you will produce better kids - like having clearly defined moral boundaries. But within the boundaries of God's moral law in the Bible, there is actually a lot of latitude offered as to how to raise your children. Unfortunately, it's easy for some voices to frame many good ideas as requirements for effective parenting.  (Kimmel)

SUCCESSFUL PARENTING WITHIN GODLY MARRIAGE 

One of the primary roles that God gave Christian parents is to create adults who reflect His heart. A family is, without a doubt, the most effective and efficient vehicle to produce the kind of people who can move confidently into the adult world and have a redemptive impact on their culture. So are we as parent's training our children to reflect God's heart?

COULD OUR MAPS BE WRONG?

• FEAR-BASED PARENTING - Fear-based parenting is the surest way to create intimidated kids. It's also the surest way to raise Christian kids who either don't have any passion for lost people, are indifferent to the things of God, or out-and-out rebel against their parents, their church, and the Lord.  
• EVANGELICAL BEHAVIOR-MODIFICATION PARENTING - This is an offshoot of fear-based parenting that assumes the proper environment, the proper information, the proper education, and the absence of negative influences will increase the chances of a child's turning out well. This parenting plan works from two flawed assumptions: (1) that the battle is primarily outside the child (it's not); and (2) that the spiritual life can be transferred onto a child's heart much like information placed on a computer hard drive (it can't).  These are homes where God rules in the head but seldom gets to the place in the heart.
• CURSE-FULL PARENTING - Very similar to the previous evangelical behavior modification parenting. The main parenting goal in a curse-full family is control.  Control is attempted through three primary methods. 
• BARRICADE. These parents will build barriers around the children by forbidding them from doing things, going places, being with certain people, and listening to certain kinds of music. However, the problem with our children is not the presence of bad things on the outside.  It is the absence of spiritual, emotional, and psychological strength on the inside.
• PUNISHMENT. This is not providing or pointing out consequences, but rather making children pay for their behaviors as a way to obtain right standing.  Punishments are often used to blackmail, coerce, or threaten children into performing the way the parent wants them to.  This is control, and it provides occasion for children to become focused on their good behaviors as the means of earning love and acceptance. (VanVonderen) 
• RULES AND PERFORMANCE. They take the place of people and needs.

• IMAGE-CONTROL PARENTING - Image control parenting assumes that people will know you are a good Christian parent raising nice Christian offspring by your church attendance, the way you dress (or don't dress), the way you cut your hair (or don't), the words and expressions you use (or don't use), the schools you attend (or don't attend), the movies you see (or don't see), the amount of Scripture you can quote, and the version of the Bible that you read. Unfortunately, kids can tell when we are living by a checklist rather than trusting in God to lead us. (Kimmel)

• HERD-MENTALITY PARENTING- These are parents who follow the crowd. If the crowd is over-scheduling their kids with sports, extracurricular activities, and every event the church has to offer, they do too.  These parents aren't known for thinking as individuals. Rather than pray for guidance and study each of their children to determine what is best for that child, they look around and parent like everyone else is doing. (Kimmel)
• HELICOPTER PARENTS - Parents who take this approach hover over their kids and rescue them from the consequences of poor decisions or misbehavior.  What's the unfortunate result? They raise children who soon believe that the world revolves around them and that they should never be held accountable. You treat your kids well - you do everything for them - and they end up treating you badly! Why? Because when we continually rescue our kids, they become dependent on us, which eventually fills them with resentment.  This is because deep down, every human being yearns to be free, competent, and independent. (Fay)

• DRILL SERGEANT PARENTS - Bark orders that they demand be followed. Use punishment to assert their control. Encourage kids to never learn how to think for themselves.  Inspire fear and resentment rather than problem-solving.  Create teenagers who can't think for themselves. (Fay) 

PRECISE AND ACCURATE MAPS

RELATIONSHIP ABOVE RULES - The goal of obedience and compliance is an inferior goal.  It can actually be detrimental to both your children's development of personal responsibility and their perception of God the Father. Although obedience is an important part of our relationship with our children, it is not the most important quality.  

PRECISE AND ACCURATE MAPS

MOST IMPORTANT COMMANDMENT AND KINGDOM CULTURE FOR OUR HOMES - When the Pharisees asked Jesus what the most important commandment was, he startled them with His response. They were trying to trap Him with His answer, but instead of painting Himself into a corner, he opened up a revelation to them. His response was, in essence, "Love God, love your neighbor, and love yourself' (Luke 10:27). The greatest commandment is love. In one swoop, Jesus promoted relationship above rules. Love and relationship are the bottom line of the Kingdom, and they must be ours if we wish to establish a Kingdom culture in our homes. (Silk).

PRECISE AND ACCURATE MAPS

GRACE-FULL PARENTING - Spend their time entrusting themselves to Christ. They live to know God more. Their children are the daily recipients of the grace these parents are enjoying from the Lord. Rather than trying to control, grace-full parents provide discipline through which their children learn to make wise choices.  Relationships are there to make sense of the rules. Interaction is there to make sense of the way we need to perform to be successful at growing in maturity.

PRECISE AND ACCURATE MAPS

GRACE-FULL FAMILY - A place where people can do the job of learning to live without the fear of losing love and acceptance if the job gets too messy. In order to get good at anything, you need to practice. That includes the process of learning to live and the mistakes that occur. In grace-full families, mistakes are seen as learning opportunities.  

PRECISE AND ACCURATE MAPS

PHILLIPIANS 4:11 - "Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  (Philippians 4:11-13) 

PRECISE AND ACCURATE MAPS

GREEK WORD - Please draw your attention to the two Greek words translated "learned” in English. They are not the same word. One is from the word "mueo" and it means "initiated.” The other is "emathon", a form of the word "mathatais". Peter, James, and John were "mathatais" disciples - they had been trained first hand by Jesus. Paul learned not from being told; not from reading it in a book; not from hearing a sermon. The words indicate that Paul had been through both an initiation process and a process of being a disciple. His success came because he had a relationship with Christ, whose grace gave him the strength to get through. He had been through experiences and this was part of his journey.  He experienced hunger and being poor.  (VanVonderen)

PRECISE AND ACCURATE MAPS

POTENTIAL FOR GRACE-FILLED RELATIONSHIPS - Parents can provide a context in which children can learn to be wise decision-makers instead of compliant or fearful parent pleasers. One day we - the barrier-placers, will not be there to place barriers or provide consequences. Will our children be strong, governed, and strengthened from within? (VanVonderen).