Reading: Wanted - Worthy Marriages with a Healed Wound Base part 3 (Slides)

WANTED: WORTHY MARRIAGES WITH A HEALED WOUND BASE

Part Three

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

RESTORING THE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP

LOYALTY:

Even if our partner knew of the abuse and its implications beforehand, which most don't, there is a profound though understandable struggle to remain loyal. We make an oath "to have and to hold from this day forward for better or worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish till death do us part.” "In sickness” includes all physical, spiritual, and psychological struggles. But how do we remain loyal when the foundation of the relationship feels cracked? These wounds in marriage tear off the mask of illusion and reveal how hard it is to love. It should be obvious how much we need the love of God to enter these difficult waters. (D. B. Allender)

WOUNDED SPOUSE/SUPPORTIVE SPOUSE:

The truth is that one person often needs more focus and care during this process. The supportive spouse, however, is not merely there to endure the turmoil and provide stability during the times the wind is a howling gale or create movement when the marriage sits in the doldrums. Instead, it is a time for both husband and wife to be transformed. One person may be focused on the path toward healing, but both partners must be open to deep change. (D. B. Allender) 

FURTHER TRUTH: 

Spouses choose each other to some degree because their way of being in the world complements their spouse's. Angry wives find passive husbands. Controlling husbands find compliant wives. We find a partner who doesn't threaten us or disrupt the familial history that we have learned to unconsciously manage. This is what must change for both spouses. The gift of this disruptive process is that the status quo can no longer work. (D. B. Allender)

CONTEMPT: 

Most abuse victims are brilliant at provoking contempt.  One victim of abuse stated, "I have used contempt to escape the heartache of betrayal, the swirl of powerlessness, and the nausea of ambivalence.  It is easier to shield myself or provoke contempt from others than to enter the war of my own heart.” The portion of our brain that can self-regulate goes off line when trauma is identified by a current relational threat (even if not rational). This will cause the abuse survivor to move between confusion and paranoia. As irritation grows, focus is demanding, and fear and hurt are funneled into greater anger. The concluding crescendo of anger fragments.. and the meltdown is complete. If marriage is to weather the storms of past abuse in one or both partners, there must be a loyal commitment to a ZERO contempt policy.  What must happen is the hurt and/or fear must be cared for through kindness first before any movement can be made to address the problem. Any other approach, including bullying or throwing in the towel to avoid conflict, will lead to disaster and a replication of the past abuse.  (D. B. Allender) 

SHAME: 

Marriage is a relationship that is intended to be a place where we are "naked and know no shame.” In a fallen world, we will always struggle to some degree with shame, but marriage is the place where our past shame is most exposed and available for healing. Tragically, many marriage relationships deepen past shame rather than heal it. (D. B. Allender) 

SATAN WORKS HARD: 

Satan wants marriages to have feelings of hopelessness and an inability to change. The root of this lie is the stronghold of shame - a state of being that cripples and destroys. Appealing to that sense of permanent unworthiness, the evil one sends a barrage of lies such as, "What was done to you or you are doing is so bad you will never be forgiven. You have struggled with this memory or sin for so long that there can be no freedom.  What you experienced or are doing is so ugly that your spouse will reject you and never love you.” Over time, shame becomes a state of being that eventually leaves the tree of life and the wellspring of the marriage desolate. (Wardle)

HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU AND THE MARRIAGE:

The following exercise is three-fold and will allow for taking charge of self-talk and also to produce affirmation for self and the marriage. The practice of speaking God's truth is imperative. The practice can involve blessing themselves and each other, looking at themselves in the mirror and also looking at each other as a couple, and speaking love to themselves and also love as a couple. These words are especially helpful when spoken to any part of themselves or to the spouse against to which they have a particular grudge. (Wardle) 

GOD'S TRUTH:   A Child of God is SPECIAL:

S - SAINT:  1 Cor 1:2, Eph 1:1; Phil 1:1; Col 1:2

P - Priest, Prince/Princess:  Gal 4:6, 7; I Peter 2:9-10

E - Enemy of Satan:  I Peter 5:8

C - Child of God, Citizen of Heaven:  John 1:12; Galatians 3:26-28: Eph. 2:6; Phil. 3:20  

I - In Christ, In God:  Col. 3:3

A - Adopted Son/Daughter, Alien to this World:  Eph. 1:5, I Peter 2:11

L - Light of the World:  Matthew 5:14

SELF - AFFIRMATION: 

John Bradshaw's helpful book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You” provides seven things we can do to make positive self-talk work for us:

Work with the same affirmation every day.  The best times are just before sleeping, before starting the day, and especially whenever you feel "bummed out.”

Write down affirmation 10 to 20 times.

SELF - AFFIRMATION: 

Say and write each affirmation to yourself in the first, second, and third person, as follows: 

"The more I, _______, love myself, the more others love me.”

"The more you, ______, love yourself, the more others love you.”  

"The more she/he, ______, loves her/himself, the more others love her/him.”      

Always remember to put your own name in the affirmation. Writing in the second and third person is very important since your conditioning from others came to you in this manner.

SELF - AFFIRMATION: 

Continue working with the affirmations daily until they become totally integrated into your consciousness.

Record your affirmations on your phone and play them back when you can.  

Look into the mirror and say the affirmations out loud to yourself. Keep saying them until you are able to see yourself with a relaxed, happy expression. Keep saying them until you eliminate all facial tension and grimaces.

Use visualizations with your affirmations. (Kraft)

COUPLE WORK: 

Both spouses need to be grounded in God and aware of his or her own war with shame. These experiences come with being human and living in a fallen world. The more we ponder, write, and talk about these issues, the greater the common ground.  

Sit in front of the mirror together and place a wedding picture on one spouse's lap and this picture will also face the mirror. State out loud to each other all of the reasons that brought the two of you together on the day of your Holy Matrimony.

COUPLE WORK: 

Find a childhood picture and write a letter to the child, which is your spouse, and state commitment and comfort to this child and with each day forward.

Create a pass card, which could be a word, a symbol, or a touch. This passcard allows for a break or a time out. The conversation that will take place at a later time then has more ability to have proactive dialogue.

Create a prayer together that can be said either out loud or silently and will reflect the invitation of the Lord Jesus to provide insight and clarity and protection for every aspect of your marriage relationship.

TRIGGERING: 

One of the effects of post-traumatic stress is intense and at times extreme responses to things that don't seem that big of a deal to others. The extreme response is usually framed in fear/flight or anger/flight. The response from others is often incredulity or irritation. This response or minimization may seem helpful to the one offering it, but it is at best patronizing, and, at far worse, demeaning. The abused spouse needs grounding, soothing kindness, and a willingness to hold the tension and volatility without the fear or demand for resolve.  Triggers are not something that logic or rational argument will resolve. In time, triggers that are understood and engaged with tender care will lessen in severity.  (Allender).

BLAMING: 

Often the supportive spouse is accused or is treated like the abuser. It is a deeply painful part of being married to an abuse victim. Frequently, the supportive spouse will come to feel intense anger toward the abuser and the family of origin that enabled the abuser to do harm. However, it is almost a rule of thumb that the one harmed protects the family of origin and the abuser from confrontation or even disclosure of the abuse.  A wise spouse will take a stance of openness, curiosity, and exploration of the perceived harm.  Usually, there is something true in every accusation. A wise spouse will own it, consider its effect on his or her spouse, and then grieve the harm done.

BLAMING (CONTINUED): 

A husband was driven crazy when his wife continued to cover the profound denial of her family and finally admitted that he was exasperated. He stated his anger and desire to drag her kicking and screaming into the truth, even at the risk of triggering an avalanche of turmoil in her family. At first, his confession allowed her to blame him even more for the unhappiness that resulted when they visited her family. He did not deny or defend himself against her accusation. After an extended period, he asked for help in knowing how to respond when her radically distorted data or outright lie about a situation came up.  He took the posture of kindness and honor that did not back off from the truth or demand his view of the truth be preeminent. After months, the wife slowly acknowledged her own frustration. She eventually opened the door to her willingness to consider his view.

SABATOGE:

Sabotage is any act that is designed to threaten, discourage, or tear down the marriage by harm directed against property, self, or the other. Sabotage by a spouse who has been abused is by far one of the most difficult parts of a victimized marriage. The saboteur eventually melts down in shame. The victim of the sabotage feels confused, hurt, and fed up. The saboteur relinquishes the power of harm only if he or she feels his or her grief. He or she must open his or her heart to the sorrow of Jesus and receive from Him His tears and delight. It is then that the sabotage can be sabotaged. This requires the presence of a strong man or woman who knows how to set boundaries and limit even greater harm. This does not usually require direction intervention; instead, what is most helpful is the ability to remain calm, aware, and not add to the frenzy. (Allendar)

SABATOGE (CONTINUED): 

Once the storm subsides, this is when grief on the part of the supportive spouse---not shame, withdrawal, or counsel--can enable the abused spouse to discover his or her capacity to feel sorrow and compassion for the part of him or herself that could find control only by losing it. For the abused spouse, there is a need to reverse the tendency to cause harm, and this harm will be working against their true heart. There is a need to ask Jesus to stand against the curse that may have likely been set against him or herself. (Allender) 

GLORIOUS MARRIAGE EPILOGUE: 

The deepest marriages, like the relationships that come out of war, are ones in which spouses have fought, bled, suffered, and sometimes died together. Not only is there bonding that comes from suffering, but far more, it is there in the celebration of the gift that we are waking up together having lived through another day. The fruit of this labor will not merely be our own healing. A renewed and revitalized marriage is one of the greatest weapons God has to do war against the kingdom of darkness.  (Allender) 

Works Cited

Allender, Dan B. Healing the Wounded Heart. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2016. Print .

Allender, Dr. Dan B. The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1990. Print.

Johnson, Dr. Sue. Hold Me Tight. New York City: Hachette Book Company, 2008. Print.

Kraft, Charles H. Deep Wounds, Deep Healing. Ventura: Regal Books, 1993. Print.

Littauer, Fred and Florence. Freeing Your Mind From Memories That Bind. San Bernardino: Here;s Life Publishers, Inc., 1988. Print.

Miller, Dusty. Women Who Hurt Themselves. New York City: BasicBooks, 1994. Print.

Van Der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps The Score. New York City: Penguin Books, 2014. Print.

Wardle, Terry. Wounded: How to Find Wholeness and Inner Healing in Christ. Siloam Springs: Leafwood Publishers, 2005. Print.