Reading: Wanted - Worthy Marriages with a Healed Wound Base part 2 (Slides)

WANTED: WORTHY MARRIAGES WITH A HEALED WOUND BASE

Part Two

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

ASPECTS AND INTERVENTIONS FOR HEALING THE WOUND BASE:

DEALING WITH HYPERAROUSAL: Learning how to breathe calmly and remaining in a state of relative physical relaxation, even while accessing very uncomfortable memories, is an essential tool for recovery. When you deliberately take a few slow, deep breaths, you will notice the effects of the parasympathetic brake on your arousal. This part of the autonomic nervous system will trigger the release of acetylcholine to put a brake on arousal, slowing the heart rate down, relaxing muscles, and returning breathing to normal. The more you stay focused on your breathing, the more you will benefit, particularly if you pay attention until the very end of the out breath and then wait a moment before you inhale again.  

LIMBIC SYSTEM THERAPY: 

The fundamental issue in resolving traumatic stress is to restore the proper balance between the rational and emotional brain so that you can feel in charge of how you respond and how you conduct life. When we are triggered into states of hyper or hypo-arousal, we are pushed outside our "window of tolerance” - the range of optimal functioning.  We become reactive and disorganized. Our filters stop working--sights and sounds bother us, unwanted images from the past intrude on our minds, and we panic or fly into rages.  If we're shut down, we feel numb in body and mind and our thinking becomes sluggish. So, the "limbic system therapy” is repairing faulty alarm systems and restoring the emotional brain to its ordinary job of being a quiet background presence that takes care of the housekeeping of the body, ensuring that you eat, sleep, connect with your husband or wife, protect your children, and defend against danger.  (Van Der Kolk) 

NEED FOR MINDFULNESS: 

Traumatized people live with seemingly unbearable sensations: They feel heartbroken and suffer from intolerable sensations in the pit of their stomach or tightness in their chest. Yet avoiding feeling these sensations in our bodies increases our vulnerability to be overwhelmed by them. Even though the trauma is a thing of the past, the emotional brain keeps generating sensations that make the sufferer feel scared and helpless. It's not surprising that so many trauma survivors are compulsive eaters and drinkers, fear making love, and avoid many social activities. Their sensory world is largely off limits. (Van Der Kolk) 

MASTERY OF MINDFULNESS: 

Physical sensations are transient and respond to slight shifts in body position, changes in breathing, and shifts in thinking.  (Going for walk outside). (Holding stuffed animal). Once you pay attention to your physical sensations, the next step is to label them, as in "When I feel anxious, I feel a crushing sensation in my chest.” Then the next step can be to say, "Focus on that sensation and see how it changes when you take a deep breath in and release a deep breath out, or when you tap on your chest just below the collarbone, or when you allow yourself to cry.” Practicing mindfulness calms down the sympathetic nervous system that you are less likely to be thrown into fear-or-flight. Learning to observe and tolerate the physical symptoms is a prerequisite for safely revisiting the past. Once you feel calmer, you can go back to the physical sensation. It is very likely that a memory might spontaneously arise in which that part of the body was involved.  (Van Der Kolk) (Example: Client with shoulder issues). 

GETTING IN TOUCH: 

The most natural way that we humans calm down our distress is by being touched, hugged, and rocked. This helps with excessive arousal and makes us feel intact, safe, protected, and in charge. A mindful touch and movement grounds people and allows them to discover tensions that they may have held for so long that they are no longer even aware of them. When you are touched, you wake up to the part of your body that is being touched. Firm and reassuring touch let someone know about their physical space. They can discover that their body is solid and that they don't have to be constantly on guard. Safe/comfort touch lets them know that they are safe. 

RELATIONSHIPS:

Much of the wiring of our brain circuits is devoted to being in tune with others. Recovery from trauma involves (re) connecting with our fellow human beings. This is why trauma that has occurred within relationships is generally more difficult to treat than trauma resulting from traffic accidents or natural disasters. While human contact and attunement are the wellsprings of physiological self-regulation, the promise of closeness often evokes fear of getting hurt, betrayed, or abandoned. Unresolved trauma can take a terrible toll on relationships. If your heart is still broken because you were assaulted by someone you loved, you are likely to be preoccupied with not getting hurt again and fear opening up to someone new. In fact, you may unwittingly try to hurt them before they have a chance to hurt you.  (Van Der Kolk)

RELATIONSHIPS (CONTINUED): 

The one who is addressing past abuse needs to see an individual therapist who is at least trained to deal with sexual trauma and its spiritual, relational and internal debris. An anchor is needed, and a great deal of coaching will need to be experienced. Hopefully, there is also a spouse that you can trust enough to accompany you, someone who can safely hold your feelings and help you listen to the painful messages of your emotional brain. The partner within the marriage needs to be supportive and understanding - and these are very key words. This person will need to be available to be with you, pray with you, comfort you, and encourage you in the days ahead. Except for a husband or a wife, your support person should be of the same sex and deeply committed to the Lord Jesus.  (Littauer)

SELF-LEADERSHIP:

Every major school of psychology recognizes that people have sub-personalities and gives them different names.  This work most often will require a skilled therapist or counselor and one who understands that the Lord wants to help the wounds of the "inner child” realm. Dr. Richard Schwartz, the developer of internal family systems (IFS) has helped with a therapeutic technique when working with self-leadership. Dr. Richard Schwartz earned his Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy from Purdue University. Dr. Schwartz developed IFS in response to clients' descriptions of experiencing various parts - many extreme - within themselves.  He noticed that when these parts felt safe and had their concerns addressed, they were less disruptive and would accede to the wise leadership of, as Dr. Schwartz came to call it, the "self.” (Van Der Kolk)

INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS: 

At the core of IFS is the notion that the mind of each of us is like a family in which the members have different levels of maturity, excitability, wisdom, and pain. The parts form a network or system in which change in any one part will affect all of the others. Each split-off part holds different memories, beliefs, and physical sensations; some hold the shame, others the rage, some pleasure and excitement, and lastly the intense loneliness or the abject compliance. These are all aspects of the abuse experience. The critical insight is that all these parts have a function: to protect the self from feeling the full terror of annihilation. (Van Der Kolk) 

ESSENCE OF TRUE SELF: 

Schwartz makes two assertions about the true self. The first is that this Self does not need to be cultivated or developed. Beneath the surface of the protective parts of trauma survivors there exists an undamaged essence, a Self that is confident, curious, and calm, a Self that has been sheltered from destruction by various protectors that emerged in their efforts to ensure survival.  Once these protectors trust that it is safe to separate, the self-will spontaneously emerges, and the parts can be enlisted in the healing process. (Van Der Kolk)

ESSENSE OF TRUE SELF CONTINUED:

The second assumption is that, rather than being a passive observer, this authentic Self can help reorganize the inner system and communicate with the parts in ways that help those parts trust that there is someone inside who can handle things.  Again neuroscience research shows that this is not just a metaphor. The more calm and passive inner self brings a relaxation that activates the medial prefrontal cortex and decreases activation of structures like the amygdala that trigger our emotional responses. This increases our control over the emotional brain.  (Van Der Kolk) 

GOD'S VIEW OF TRUE SELF:

Whatever our parents may have wanted or not wanted, we were planned and brought into being by God. Conception is not simply a physical human act. Only God can give life that courses through our physical bodies. And He was not surprised at our conception. Rather, he affirmed it by granting us life. From His perspective, we were not an accident. We are not a mistake!!! 

THE THRONE ROOM:

It can be helpful to invite the wounded person to close their eyes and picture the throne room of Isaiah 6:1-4 in which the prophet saw God sitting on His throne, high and exalted with His robe filling the whole temple and a multitude of heavenly creatures worshipping and praising God. Help this wounded person to feel the awe and the worshipful atmosphere. Then, imagine a thump on the door to the room and a whole bunch of kids running into the throne room. Have them imagine the kids running right past the angels, the cherubim, and seraphim, and running right up to the King and jumping on His lap. Have them notice that the King loves it because they are His kids and always have a right to barge into the throne room. Kids have different rules. And we are God's kids, invited to come anytime "boldly” into His presence.  (Hebrews 4:16)

COMING TO JESUS:

Jesus wants us to go back to the point of being like a little child, in order to simply acknowledge our problems and release our wounds and give them unashamedly to Him. (Matthew 11:28 and I Peter 5:7) Surrendering these anxieties to Jesus means freedom, healing, self-acceptance, self-love, and self-forgiveness. It also means the right to come boldly to the Lord without shame, (Hebrews 4:16) and the ability to receive the Lord's love and forgiveness. He chose us and he invited us.

KEY RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS:

Not infrequently a wounded person will feel shame over the thought of Jesus seeing him or her in the situation. Feeling that people have always shown rejection, the person believes that Jesus is no more accepting than the others were.   Often this person would say that they are ineligible for help from anyone, especially someone as righteous as Jesus. The words are, "I must be bad in God's eyes or all this horrible stuff would not have happened to me.”  (Kraft)

JESUS LAP:

Imagine that they can see Jesus and He is welcoming them to come to His lap.  See Jesus putting a crown on each child's head. Then, as the picture sinks in, have the person picture that they are growing up on Jesus' lap. This may be more difficult with the injured or separated parts of the self; however, this is an exercise that can be repeated until they can experience Jesus' present acceptance of them on all levels of their inner family.  (Kraft)

SPIRITUAL ROOTS THAT MAY BE PRESENT WHEN DEEP EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS EXIST

Neglect with one's relationship with God. It will be harder at times to experience a close walk with God if an earthly father was the abuser. However, we are made for closeness with God. Jesus valued this intimacy so much that He frequently went to solitary places to be with the Heavenly Father. (Matthew 14:13)

Wounded people can experience a kind of spiritual illness because they hold a wrong view of God. For many, God is too distant to concern Himself with us. Others see Him as so judgmental he refuses to help us, or even as so angry that his primary concern is to punish us. Jesus has said that when we understand Him (compassionate Shepherd), we have seen God. "Whoever has seen me has seen the Father.”  John 14:9b

SPIRITUAL ROOTS THAT MAY BE PRESENT WHEN DEEP EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS EXIST

Akin to the above problem is anger at God. Wounded people often assume that God can do anything he wants to do (including overruling the free will of those who hurt others) without regard to the rules he has built into the universe. If this is true, he certainly could have prevented the abuse they have experienced. They are, therefore, angry at him for what they perceive as abandonment or neglect. Wallowing in such anger and bitterness creates spiritual illness.

Satan's harassment because of the wounds and hurt that are inside. Satan can harass by taking advantage of such things as fear, guilt, anger, and lust. People who are angry at themselves often say things such as "I hate myself (or my body or my name),” or "I wish this part of me wasn't so.....” or "I vow not to be like by father or mother.”  When we say these things against ourselves, we often find that the Enemy sneaks in and empowers the words as curses or vows.

SPIRITUAL ROOTS THAT MAY BE PRESENT WHEN DEEP EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS EXIST

Curses and vows must be broken. To break such curses or vows, a wounded person usually only has to say something like, "In the name of Jesus Christ, I renounce any curses I have made against myself or any part of me and any vows I have made that are empowered by Satan.”  The person who makes a curse or vow has the authority to recall it.

Generational spirits or curses: A wounded person can inherit satanic interference in their lives from parents and ancestors who have allowed demons into their lives.  

SPIRITUAL ROOTS THAT MAY BE PRESENT WHEN DEEP EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS EXIST

Possible demonization. It is not uncommon to be dealing with demons affecting those who are severely wounded and need deep level healing. As a Christian, the demons cannot live within the person's spirit, but still can live within other parts of the person. As the wounded person continues to grow in faith and deals with the emotional and spiritual garbage to which the demons are attached, the demons are weakened and suppressed, and their ability to influence the person decreases. If this is an issue, getting rid of demons living within usually requires the help of others who know how to cast them out.  

Sin is a primary cause of spiritual illness. Our relationship with God is disrupted until we confess our sins and receive His forgiveness. Our sins will still be present, regardless of the sins that were committed against us. (I John 1:9) (Kraft)

PLAN OF SPIRITUAL RESTORATION:

STUDY THE WORD:

Use your highlighter liberally in your Bible.  It will help make your Bible personal to you.

COMMUNICATE WITH GOD THROUGH WRITTEN PRAYER:  

This often brings the prayers into communion with God. This will provide the base to deepen your love for the Lord, increase adoration for the Lord, and bring a more fervent desire to praise Him.

BE ACCOUNTABLE AND ENLIST A PRAYER PARTNER:

Your prayer partner should be someone in whom you have complete confidence, who is a mature Christian and is compassionate and understanding, not judgmental or dogmatic.  This person's role is to help you listen, to encourage you, and to be the wind beneath your wings. You may have to ask the Lord to guide you to this person. Again, it is important that this person be the same gender as you.

PLAN OF SPIRITUAL RESTORATION:

JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP: A Christian support group brings the awareness of kindred connection with others who have been wounded and traumatized.  This group should be led by a qualified Christian therapist.

GUARD YOUR INPUT:  "Garbage in - Garbage out.”  What kind of music and thoughts are you allowing to enter your mind?

SHARE A CHEER EVERY DAY:  Take the opportunity to do something for, or say something to, someone that will be a comfort, a help or an encouragement. Each day the recipients of your thoughtfulness will be blessed and you will feel good yourself, for "It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). Through the repetition, such acts of kindness will become a way of life for you.

LAUGH EACH DAY:

Don't keep yourself so bogged down with searching through the pains of your heart that you forget to take a laugh break. A merry heart truly does well like a medication.

REMEMBER: IT'S A PROCESS:

The pains and hurts of newly discovered abuse issues will not suddenly disappear, nor will the fears, anger and guilt feelings that have been living in you for so many years.  They will gradually fade, but like scars, they will remain tender throughout your life. Remember you are a part of your healing process. God is allowing you certain responsibilities to "cleanse yourself from all defilement of flesh and spirit.” There is probably little doubt that how diligently you apply yourself to the part God has assigned to you, will in large measure determine the rate of your own restoration. "He who sows sparingly shall also reap sparingly; and he who sows bountifully shall also reap bountifully." (II Corinthians 9:6) (Littauer)