Reading: Sexual Intimacy part 1

SEXUAL INTIMACY - GOD'S DESIGN

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

WIRED FOR MARRIAGE:

It's simply in our DNA. Why is it that members of the human race, in all countries, all eras, and all situations, reach a certain age and begin to seek a mate?  Why is that such a given that we take it completely for granted? Easy. It is because God made us that way. It's kind of a pleasant wake up call inside us, designed to ring at the right time. In the second chapter of your Bible, you'll find these words: "The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'” (Genesis 2:18). The desire for love and marriage is God-given. God set it lovingly within our hearts amidst many other thoughtful gifts.  (Jeremiah) 

BIBLICAL PURPOSE OF SEX: 

This is multifaceted. God has given sex to us as a means of glorifying Him as we fulfill its design for procreation, intimacy, comfort, and physical pleasure. It is a fulfillment of God's created order in marriage between a husband and wife. 

PROCREATION: 

Genesis 1:28: "And God blessed them; and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'' Since there is only one way to fill the earth, the Lord is telling us to have sex - lots of it - in marriage. The gift He gives in return is the reflection of our love in the faces and the lives of our children. 

FOR PLEASURE: 

He designed both males and females to experience orgasm during sex. This is a physiological response completely independent of any necessary physical function; it's simply for us to enjoy. To prove His point, He gave us an entire book in the Bible, Song of Songs, devoted to sexual love and intimacy within marriage.  Then how about how intimacy is a stress reliever and truly shows that God knows what He was creating and the many benefits from sexual intimacy. (Dillow)

INTIMATE ONENESS:

The intimate oneness God had in mind in marriage encompasses every part of our being.  God says that this bond is a mystery in the same way that becoming one with Him is a mystery (Ephesians 5:31 -32).  It's not something that we can do on our own.  God is the one who takes two people and makes them one.  Because sex creates this bond, He warns us to not become one with others, because that can hinder complete oneness with the one that we marry. (Wilson) 

SAVING SEX FOR MARRIAGE

Often, with my counseling, I could be viewed as a holdover from the Victorian Era! I want couples to develop expertise in their mental, emotional, spiritual, and social side of the relationship. The physical/sexual component can so easily dominate and the rest of the relationship will then take a backseat. Let me reference a study published in American Psychology Association's Journal of Family Psychology. (2011) This study shows once again that abstaining from sex before marriage results in couples who report healthier relationships. 

MORE RESEARCH

Dr. Thomas Richard Insel an American Neuroscientist and Psychologist who led the National Institute of Mental Health from 2002 to November of 2015 conducted a study of two species that are practically alike genetically - the montane vole and the prairie vole. He discovered that prairie voles stay for life with the partner they first copulate with, and that, in contrast, the montane vole copulates randomly without forming partnerships. He found that prairie voles produce significantly greater amounts of oxytocin than montane voles do. If he blocked the oxytocin receptors in the prairie voles, they no longer formed partnerships during copulation. Dr. Insel is convinced that oxytocin is crucial to the development of long-term relationships, not just in voles but in humans. (Wilson) 

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN LESS OXYTOCIN GETS RELEASED?

Previous relationship experiences can affect sexual bonding by altering the release of the biochemical "superglue.” If there is significant relationship history that is sufficiently adverse, bonding will be much more difficult. In his presentation at the 2006 National Abstinence Clearinghouse Conference, Dr. Eric Keroack explained why. He said that when we are in chronic physical or emotional pain our brains release endorphins, a natural pain reliever, to ease the pain. Every time we break up with someone with whom we have had sex, we accumulate more emotional pain, which causes our body to release endorphins chronically. The chronic release of endorphins reduces the production and release of oxytocin, which then diminishes our ability to form lifelong bonds. (Wilson) 

GOD GAVE SEX FOR KNOWLEDGE 

As close as we as parents are to our children, we won't know them with the same intimate knowledge their spouses will. "Adam knew (yadah) Eve his wife and she conceived and bore Cain.” (Genesis 4:1) In this verse, the Hebrew word for sexual intercourse, yadah, means "to know someone at a deep, intimate level.” It means a "knowing” of someone that no one else has. In Daniel 11:32, the same Hebrew word is used to describe the people's relationship with God - "the people who know their God.”  What a beautiful comparison. 

GOD GAVE SEX AS A DEFENSE AGAINST TEMPTATION 

God designed sex in marriage to strengthen our bond by increasing our desire for each other and reducing the temptation of attraction to others.  When we neglect this part of our relationship, we can cause our emotional connectedness to wane. First Corinthians 7: 3-5 states, "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have the authority of his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

GOD GAVE SEX FOR COMFORT 

 In 2 Samuel 12:24, God shows us through David how sex can be a selfless way to comfort our spouse. "Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and lay with her.  She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon.” Let's talk specifically about what happens regarding hormones that create comfort and bonding. Oxytocin is a peptide secreted in the brain that flows to various parts of the brain and throughout the reproductive organs of both men and woman. It rises in response to touch and promotes touching. It sensitizes the skin to touch, spikes at orgasm, causes uterine contractions during orgasm and labor, increases sexual receptivity, increases penile sensitivity, and speeds ejaculation. This invisible bond works like superglue, strongly attaching us emotionally and spiritually to our lover. (Rosenau) 

GOD'S VIEW IN CONTRAST WITH SOCIETY VIEW

(Society View) Our society has undergone a rapid transformation in terms of sexual behavior.  Today, one out of two marriages ends in divorce.  Six of out of ten teenagers are sexually active.  The millions of abortions over the last decade and the phenomenal spread of AIDS indicate that our society has serious problems with sexuality.   Hearing words from the college age students that I work with such as "asexual” and have never heard these words before. A young college girl recently talked about the significance of holding hands in public compared to having sex. (Wilson) 

GOD'S VIEW IN CONTRAST WITH SOCIETY VIEW

(God's view) God is asking for faithfulness, and although faithfulness is one of the cornerstones of marriage, it may seem odd to speak of the need to be faithful to one's spouse before marriage. But in a sense, one should love one's spouse before one even meets him or her. This means reserving the giving of oneself sexually until one is married - for, in a sense, one's sexuality belongs to one's future spouse as much as it does to oneself.  (Smith) 

GOD'S VIEW IN CONTRAST WITH SOCIETY VIEW

(Sacred Marriage)  Sex is about physical touch, to be sure, but it is about far more than physical touch. It is about what is going on inside us.  Developing a fulfilling sex life means I concern myself more with bringing generosity and service to bed than with bringing washboard abdomens.  It means I see my wife as a holy temple of God, not just as a tantalizing human body. It even means that sex becomes a form of physical prayer --- a picture of heavenly intimacy that rivals the Shekinah glory of old.