Reading: Sexual Intimacy part 2

Sexual Intimacy: Part 2

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

TWELVE OBSTACLES TO A FULFILLING CHRISTIAN SEX LIFE

1. Not knowing what the Scripture says about sex. In Genesis 1:27-28, when God had just finished creating Adam and Eve, he commanded them to "be fruitful and multiply.” This means that God made physical intimacy a priority within the marriage bond.  In Genesis 1:31, the Bible says that God looked at all He had made and said, "It is good.”  This tells us that God approves of sex in Christian marriages.  

TWELVE OBSTACLES TO A FULFILLING CHRISTIAN SEX LIFE

2. Not talking to your spouse about your sexual preferences. Being vulnerable with your spouse in a conversational level helps you to develop an emotional bond. You can begin by telling your spouse what lovemaking means to you emotionally and how often you would like to have sex. Be specific about your expectations as far as intimacy in the marriage is concerned.  

TWELVE OBSTACLES TO A FULFILLING CHRISTIAN SEX LIFE

3. Feeling obligated to have sex. Those examples are "duty sex.” Let's instead give an example of nurturing sex.   

TWELVE OBSTACLES TO A FULFILLING CHRISTIAN SEX LIFE

4. Failure to plan. Despite the critical role that sex plays, it can be difficult to find the time or energy. Often sexual intimacy needs a plan - a schedule. This does not have to be stale but rather planning a special time with your spouse. This does not have to be boring. One husband gave his wife a box for their anniversary and there were some coupons and gifts within this box. Each one represented a plan for an event that month. 

TWELVE OBSTACLES TO A FULFILLING CHRISTIAN SEX LIFE

5. Taboos regarding sexual intimacy. People who were raised in a strict environment where it was inappropriate to speak of God and sex in the same sentence often separate sexuality from their spirituality. They find it difficult to believe that a holy God would bless something as "earthly” as sex. In fact, one woman said she has a picture of Jesus hanging by her bed and that before she and her husband make love, they turn the picture to face the wall so that Jesus can't watch what they are doing!   Song of Songs: God to the couple: "Eat, friends; drink and consume deeply, O lovers.”  God wants to bless your sexual intimacy; all you have to do is ask Him.  God gives permission to be intoxicated with delight.

TWELVE OBSTACLES TO A FULFILLING CHRISTIAN SEX LIFE

6. Fantasy lie (often imagery for a man) - Keep intentional fantasies centered on your mate. One man who went to many conferences built a fantasy in which he met a sexy woman who seduced him in his hotel room. Unfortunately, he never took his wife to the conferences. You know the sad outcome of this story and what eventually happened at one of the conferences.  Fantasy lie for women can be what is brought about by reading romance novels. (Rosenau)

TWELVE OBSTACLES TO A FULFILLING CHRISTIAN SEX LIFE

7. Fantasy life and masturbation. While the Bible is not clear about masturbation, it is clear about lustful fantasy. In Matthew 5:27-28, Jesus teaches that thinking about another woman lustfully is adultery. If you are looking to justify masturbation, you are going to have to ask yourself what you think about when you are doing it. Bringing yourself to orgasm while thinking about anyone to whom you are not married is, according to Jesus, adultery.

Another point to ponder is that for many, masturbating leads to a certain form of "tolerance”. The tolerance effect simply means that the more you do something, the more you will eventually need to do it to achieve the same effect. You may not even realize it, but your fantasy life may have become sinful in nature. The friction of using your own hand or some other aid to achieve masturbation may also condition you to that level of stimulation. Believe it or not, this kind of conditioning may make it less likely that you will be stimulated by vaginal intercourse. Men who get into this kind of pattern may start experiencing sexual frustration when they are being sexual with their wives.  Masturbation is never ultimately satisfying because it falls short of the incredibly satisfying nature of a spiritual union with your wife. (Lasser)

TWELVE OBSTACLES TO A FULFILLING CHRISTIAN SEX LIFE

8. Pornography. Pornography is certainly an obstacle to a fulfilling sexual relationship and also has destroyed many Christian marriages. It creates an insatiable thirst for sex and harmful erotic behavior within an individual.  Unfortunately, some people are under the impression that pornography will improve their sex life. What such people fail to realize is that pornography nurtures the physical aspect of intimacy while ignoring the emotional, which in the end creates empty relationships. 

TWELVE OBSTACLES TO A FULFILLING CHRISTIAN SEX LIFE

9. Unresolved sexual abuse issues. Before you can fully enjoy sex in the Christian Marriage Experience, you need to resolve any sexual abuse issues that you might have. Most victims of sexual abuse have an aversion to intimacy in marriage because their view of healthy sexuality is distorted. If you are a victim of sexual abuse, please realize it was not your fault and enlist the support of a professional to help. (Dillow)

TWELVE OBSTACLES TO A FULFILLING CHRISTIAN SEX LIFE

10. Unresolved Bitterness and Unforgiveness. Servant lovers are forgivers. Sometimes it's easier to offer forgiveness than other times. Try to use a forgiveness cup. A couple could be given a forgiveness cup (I would even recommend that this be a gift from the premarital counselor or the counselor helping in a very tough marriage case). This cup is given and can be used in the following way: 

Whenever you do something to offend the other person, fill a cup up with something to drink and say, "I'm sorry I hurt you. Will you please forgive me?” 

If the other person accepts your apology, offer for them to drink from the cup. 

TWELVE OBSTACLES TO A FULFILLING CHRISTIAN SEX LIFE

11. Using sex as a reward or punishment = How can you use the word of God as a sword? When the mind of a wife says, "Say no to sex -- he's been a jerk all day.”  The anecdote could be, "I will think more highly of my husband and his needs rather than my own.” Or, for the husband who hears in his mind, "Your wife owes you sex --- it's your right to have it whenever you want.” The anecdote is I Corinthians 13 which says, "Love does not demand its own way.”  

TWELVE OBSTACLES TO A FULFILLING CHRISTIAN SEX LIFE

12. Satanic Attack. When there is tension in your sexual relationship, have you ever thought, "Why are we fighting? It feels like something a whole lot bigger is going on, like there is a powerful force intent on tearing us apart.” How about any of the following scenarios?

Last night you made love in the same bed. This morning you can't stand to be in the same room together. What happened? A force is at work.

You talk but say nothing. You touch, but it feels rote. Lately you feel like strangers. A force is at work.

You knew she wanted to make love, but you did not care.  You got into a huge fight. You know you hurt her, but it didn't even matter. A force is at work. (Dillow)