Reading: Sexual Intimacy part 3

Sexual Intimacy: Part 3

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

WHAT A MAN NEEDS: (Excerpts taken from Song of Songs 5:9-6:3) 

 A man is visually specific and genitally focused with mental imagery. You can't have helped seeing how your husband is prone to noticing parts of the female anatomy.  Research has shown that both men and women are aroused by visual stimulation, but they have different roles.  A woman can drive by a cute male jogger, notice his strong physique, and immediately forget the visual stimulus. A man can see a female jogger and almost drive off the road trying to see in the rearview mirror what her breasts are like. He is more specific and obvious in his pursuit of visual sexual cues. (Dillow)

WHAT A MAN NEEDS: 

1. Respond to Him Sexually. Your husband wants you to desire him. Why? Because sexual intimacy affirms his masculinity. That's how God created him. It is important to understand that sex not only meets a physical need in your husband but that it also meets an emotional need. (Dillow)

WHAT A MAN NEEDS: 

2. Respect and Reverence Him.  Ephesians 5:33, "Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband (that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates him, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly).”  

Authors of the book, Rocking the Roles say, "My wife longs to hear me say, "I love you.” I say it often because I know it means so much to her. But the phrase that has comparable value to me from her is not "I love you” but "I'm proud of you.” Respect and admiration are special ingredients to a husband's happiness.”

WHAT A MAN NEEDS: 

3. Support Him. A wife's words and actions communicate to her husband either "I support you” or "I compete with you.”  Dr. Laura Schlessinger, in her book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, relates what competition looks like in the average home  A woman had called her, wanting a way to convince her husband that she was right in her desire to have another cat.

DR. LAURA:  What? He doesn't have the right to his position?

CALLER:  Yes, of course, he does. It's just that I don't see any good reason to not have another cat.

DR. LAURA:  A good reason is that he doesn't want to live with multiple animals.  Why isn't that a good enough reason?

CALLER:  Can't I keep pushing him to specify his reasons?  I just want to know why he feels that way.

DR. LAURA:  No, you don't. You are not really interested in understanding his position. You want to know his arguments so you can shoot them down so you can have another cat. You don't want to understand; you want to manipulate.

CALLER:  Yeah, I guess that's so. But I really want this other cat!

DR. LAURA:  Obviously, you want that cat more than you want to show your husband respect and provide support to him.

WHAT A MAN NEEDS: 

4. Affirm His identity - In verse 10, Shulamith begins to lay out what is special about her husband. She begins, "My beloved is white and ruddy, chief among ten thousand.” (5:10) The man whom you are married to is unique.  He was made by God, whose work is uniformly wonderful. In the eyes of His wife, every man should be special and worth cheering for.

WHAT A MAN NEEDS: 

5. Affirm His Intelligence - 5:11, Shulamith says, "His head is like the finest gold; his locks are wavy and black as a raven.” Solomon was unique and special, but he did not have a head of solid gold. What he did have was a head of incredible wisdom, and that's what Shulamith was talking about. Please make your husband feel smart. At all costs, avoid any remark that makes him feel ignorant or foolish. This happens sometimes in marriages, and it does terrible damage - whether it is the husband or wife that offers the disparaging words. Sometimes a man is not "book smart” but can be smart in other ways.

WHAT A MAN NEEDS:

6. Affirm His Individuality - A wife should point out the things that set her husband apart. No two people are exactly alike; your husband is truly unique in certain ways. The attitude to someone we married is that this should be the favorite conversation topic in the world. This was for Shulamith.

7. His Eyes are Brilliant and Winsome - 5:12, "His eyes are like doves by the rivers of waters, washed with milk, and fitly set.”  Shulamith pictures the dark iris of Solomon's eyes surrounded by the whites of his eyes.  If eyes reveal the state of health, Solomon was a healthy and vigorous man. We remember that Solomon, in turn, described Shulamith as having dove's eyes. The two must have fully met each other's glances quite often -- the sign of a couple that communicates well.  

WHAT A MAN NEEDS:

8. Be His Companion and Complement- 5:16, "Yes, he is altogether lovely,” as we have seen; then she adds, "This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O Daughters of Jerusalem!” Is not this verse interesting?  After the litany of pillars, rods of gold, beds of spices, cedars of Lebanon, and various premium ingredients, these two things - my lover, and my friend - seem to surpass all that came before!!!! Shulamith is his cheerleader and his champion, and why? Because he is her companion and complement, as she is for him. There are married couples who are not friends. What they have in common after years of marriage is a house, a bedroom, and a last name. They may not have been divorced, but each of them would rather spend time with any of several other people than their spouse. Sex is wonderful, but it's not more wonderful than the ability to walk through life with a best friend, share everything with that person, and enjoy the simple pleasure of being together.

WHAT A WIFE NEEDS FROM HER HUSBAND: (Taken from Song of Solomon 6:4-10)

1. Offer Physical Affection and Warm Nurturing Gestures. "I wish we could hug without him grabbing me.” One wife related how she and her female friends at work were laughing in frustrated amusement about how their husbands' hands were "homing devices.” This irritating male habit is certainly not consistent with the idea of making love with clothes on. Wives especially need physical affection and warm nurturing gestures that are not always focused on the breasts or buttocks or genitals.

WHAT A WIFE NEEDS FROM HER HUSBAND:

2. Your Wife Needs Time and Talk -  Kevin Leman, an author, and the host of a popular radio program, says that he has yet to meet a man who, after a long day at work, thinks to himself, "What I really need right now is a long, forty-five minute talk with my wife.” But a servant lover understands his wife's need to communicate with him and that regular verbal communication is necessary for her to feel loved and emotionally safe.

WHAT A WIFE NEEDS FROM HER HUSBAND:

3. Praise Your Wife Physically - In verse 10, "Who is she who looks forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, awesome as an army with banners.” Solomon is giving his wife compliments and saying that she is more beautiful than any other woman in the preceding verses as well. A woman wants to feel that her husband finds her desirable above all others.  

4. Understand the Power of Praise. A wise husband understands that when his wife feels insecure about her body, she cannot make love with abandon. The servant leader within him rises to her defense and will proclaim: 

I will defend my wife against the lies that assault her mind.

I will affirm her beauty.

I will speak words that soothe her insecurities and release the passions within her. (Dillow)

WHAT A WIFE NEEDS FROM HER HUSBAND:

5. Proverbs 15:4 "The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.” As a husband, your words can give life to your wife because they have power.   

Positive words encourage her to be a Godly wife.  

Positive words build her up emotionally and spiritually.

Positive words provide her with a sense of well-being. 

Positive words affirm and heal her. 

WHAT A WIFE NEEDS FROM HER HUSBAND:

6. Praise Your Wife Publicly. Song of Songs 6:13, "Return, return, O Shulamite, return, return, that we may look upon you!” Solomon is telling his friends that he misses her and wants her back. Example: A husband receives a phone call from his wife and she says, "I love you.”  She is then waiting for him to say the words out loud to her.  He only can say, "Ditto.”  He is hesitant to show actual emotions in public. We have bought into the idea that John Wayne is the right model for real world husbands. That kind of emotional façade is never shown in the Song of Solomon, not by male nor female.

WHAT A WIFE NEEDS FROM HER HUSBAND:

7. Ephesians 5: 28-29 "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.” The Greek word for "cherish", "thalpo", has important nuances not easily translated into English. It literally means to "keep warm, or to soften by heat.” This word is used again in 1 Thessalonians 2:7: "But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children.” The word thalpo is used here of the tender care that a nursing mother has for her children. This is the same word for the tenderness for a husband to extend to his wife. 

WHAT A WIFE NEEDS FROM HER HUSBAND:

8. THALPO - another meaning of the Hebrew word is "to be of service”.  It is used of God's superintending care, as in "You scrutinize my path and my lying down and are intimately acquainted with all of my ways” (Psalm 139:3). Thus, God is intimately acquainted with everything about us. 

WHAT A WIFE NEEDS FROM HER HUSBAND:

9. Wife Needs Romance. For a woman, sex is not an event, it's an environment. It's not an act, it's an atmosphere. Romance creates the atmosphere for intoxicating sex. How about the classic story, "The Gift of the Magi.” Della, the wife, sacrificially cuts her beautiful, long hair in order to buy Jim, her husband, a gold chain for his watch for Christmas. Meanwhile, he has sold his watch to buy combs for her hair.  What they did was impractical, yet their actions demonstrate what it means to be a servant lover. And even though Della no longer needed the combs and Jim no longer needed the gold chain, we have no trouble imagining how loved each of them felt.

WHAT A WIFE NEEDS FROM HER HUSBAND:

10. Provide, Protect, and Lead Her Spiritually. "The greatest thing a man can do for a woman is to lead her closer to God than himself." Make time for devotions together - read the Bible, pray, and share together.  

MEN AND WOMAN DO HAVE NEEDS FOR INTIMACY

This has been established.  A plan is still needed to satisfy the needs for intimacy and this often involves time.  Here are the top ten time grabbers for couples to find success with the time and activities to bridge to the deepest level of sexual intimacy.

1. Talk to God. If your heart is not right, you will dismiss even the best suggestions for how to spend more time with each other. Next to God, your relationship with your spouse is your most important relationship. Pray to Him about it.

MEN AND WOMAN DO HAVE NEEDS FOR INTIMACY. 

2. Schedule time on your calendars. Sit down together with your calendars. The goal is to review all of your current activities so that you can recover a minimum of two hours a week and one weekend a year that the two of you can devote to time alone together for the purpose of enhancing your marriage relationship.

3. Interview an older couple. When you were younger how did you keep your marriage a priority? How did you make time for romance and intimacy? What is your most memorable romantic time together? Is there anything that you would change about the priority you placed on your relationship? Their wisdom will bring insight into your relationship.

MEN AND WOMAN DO HAVE NEEDS FOR INTIMACY. 

4. Brainstorm with couples your age. Ask every couple to share three creative things that they have done to create more time for romance and intimacy.

5. Fast from television for one week. Try it for one week and see the difference it makes in finding time to enjoy your intimacy.

6. Hire a babysitter. Hire a sitter to take your kids to a park on a Saturday morning for two hours while you spend that time at home - in bed.

MEN AND WOMAN DO HAVE NEEDS FOR INTIMACY

7. Arrange for a kid swap. Find a couple you trust who is willing to swap kids with you one evening a month.  This could be from 5 to 8 p.m. Three hours focused on loving each other can revitalize any marriage.

8. Schedule a motel date. When curious teenagers fill the house and won't go to bed before midnight, it can short-circuit your love life. Leave your teens with a pizza and a good movie; pack a picnic basket filled with fun food, music, candles, and scented lotion; and go to the motel from 5 to 11 p.m.  It can be cheaper than dinner out and a movie - and much more fun!

MEN AND WOMAN DO HAVE NEEDS FOR INTIMACY. 

9. Enjoy a daily devotional. Intimacy is about sex, but it is also about being emotionally and spiritually one with your mate. One of the ways to accomplish this is by praying together and reading Scripture together. Use four of those days for your written devotions and use the fifth day as an intimate devotion, a time of loving one another in the shower or between the sheets. (Dillow & Dillow)