Reading: Gender Differences part 3

MALE/FEMALE DIFFERENCES OR SIMILARITIES 

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

The structural and chemical makeup of the male brain makes it impossible for a guy to not be visually oriented. There is a center in the brain called the nucleus accumbens. When a man walks into a room and sees that hypothetical woman who is dressed in a way that calls attention to her great figure, the man's nucleus accumbens lights up, and he has an involuntary, biological, gut-level reaction of pleasure from seeing that image and a desire to consume that image.  

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

Now, let's talk about another time that this center of the brain, the nucleus accumbens might light up. This is the part of our brain that processes pleasure.  When a dessert is eaten, for example, you don't think about enjoying its taste; it just happens. In response to that trigger (eating that dessert), several areas of the brain light up then send signals that cause you (a millisecond later) to recognize the flavor as sweet. Let's be more specific. You approach a dinner party and observe the dessert table, and even begin to salivate. However, there is also the knowledge that the main course has yet to be served. Thus, the cortical (thinking) center now kicks in.  This allows for the ability to wait politely, keep a lid on the desire for the dessert, and wait for the host to serve the main course.

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

So, neuroscience has shown that the first reaction with the visual cue within a man can be instinctive and biological rather than voluntary; however, the next step is a choice. This is where the man moves from temptation to a healthy, righteous action, or from temptation to sin.

It is also important to note that a man's reaction is different if the image is attractive but is not perceived as sexual. Men are able to appreciate beauty just as a woman appreciates beauty, and that includes noticing if a woman is attractive. If the woman is not calling for overt attention to her body, it is a non-issue. The nucleus accumbens simply does not light up. The automatic reaction, and thus temptation, is not triggered.  

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

In most cases, when a woman sees an attractive man, her nucleus accumbens does not light up.  There is no automatic, gut-level reaction.  Instead, visual attraction usually starts in the cortical centers---meaning it is a thinking-oriented response from the beginning.  She thinks to herself, "Wow, he's an attractive man.”

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

In the female way of thinking, a woman would only feel a pull sexually if they cared about and were attracted to someone as a person. For a woman, attraction is certainly visual to some degree, but it is highly emotional. In fact, in our emotional and physical wiring, true attraction inextricably becomes connected to closeness and intimacy with one person. Because the wife loves the husband, she cannot imagine looking at the male anatomy of any other man - cannot even imagine being tempted.  

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

A man can have a physical attraction to an image, but it is not the same attraction that a woman experiences as attraction. In the vast majority of cases, the man is attracted to the image alone, and to the sense of the pleasure that the image gives him; he is not attracted to the person.  

Porn is an attraction to an image and not about intimacy. It is about anti-intimacy. When a husband moves toward his wife, it is about intimacy. When a husband moves towards porn, it is never about intimacy. So the lie some woman believe is: "If I fill him up, he won't want porn.” But he's not going to porn for intimacy.

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

As a man, it is often when he feels lonely or impotent or powerless or angry that he might be tempted to go to porn as a way of killing that pain and not being intimate because he does not want to be known or vulnerable in that moment.  Otherwise, he would have to grieve and feel. So in that pain, a man instinctively is looking to get away from those feelings, to get away from intimacy.  That is why a woman cannot simply compensate for porn temptation using physical intimacy. (Feldhahn and Gross)

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

If your husband has been reluctant to talk about this part of his life, it is extremely important that he sees you as someone he can risk sharing with. That will help keep the door open, no matter what is going on, good or bad. So go into the conversation with a strategy for how you will respond (or not respond) to something upsetting. In the end, you need to be you and to honor what you feel. The advice is that those feelings be conveyed in the healthiest and most constructive way----the same way you'd expect your husband to do for you.

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

Also, a woman can make clothing choices that are more honoring. Thankfully, being careful does not mean being frumpy. A woman can wear trendy fashions just like everyone else, look confident and beautiful, and make a terrific impression. The key is knowing how to make the impression you want to make as opposed to the possible impression that "I want you to fantasize about me in your bedroom later tonight.”  

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

Be careful of the curves, as most men will say that this is a magnetic draw and what makes it the hardest not to look is the "curves” or "a glimpse of anything that is supposed to be hidden.” For example, men have mentioned how often women will wear leggings or spandex shorts, without something like a tunic to cover them up. After all, they point out, those outfits hug every curve of a woman's body just as if she were naked, vividly maximizing her assets.

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

Men may assume that a woman or a teenage girl who is dressing to call attention to her body knows the exact impact she is having on the men and boys around her. Thus, they think she is doing this on purpose. In other words, in their minds there's only one reason why she dresses that way; she wants the guys around her to fantasize about her being naked.

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

Now most girls or woman are horrified at this idea. Shaunti Feldhahn, while doing research for her book, "Through a man's eyes,” found with intensive surveys of women and teenage girls that very few of them had any intention of tempting a guy to think or act sexually.  Instead, these women said they simply wanted to feel confident about themselves, feel attractive, or wear what was in style. In other words, women and girls like getting attention, but they don't realize that attention isn't at all the type that they want. (Feldhahn and Gross)  

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

If a woman decides to choose certain attire that does bring attention to her physical persona, then a man may be walking down a particular path while the woman is picking up a giant paving stone that she has been told over and over might make him stumble, and she deliberately drops it directly where she knows he is about to step. Once we, as a woman, have dropped the stone, we stand back and watch....as he trips and falls.  Then when he gets up, bruised and bleeding and hanging his head in shame, we stand there with our arms folded and raise our eyebrows and say, "It's his fault.” (Feldhahn and Gross)

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

So, even with this worldly temptation, if a man thinks looking at porn or ogling women is not a big deal, he is deceived. More importantly, because he is almost certainly entertaining lustful thoughts for a woman other than his wife, he is probably committing adultery in his heart. But he is also deceived because if it bothers the wife, it should be a big deal for that reason alone. (Feldhahn and Gross)

MAJOR GENDER DIFFERENCE WITH MALE AND FEMALE VISUAL CUES

Wives need their husbands to only have eyes for her. This idea is a bit of a stunner. Again, a man could be thinking, "It's okay to look, but don't touch.” Jesus wants to give the ability to not touch or look causing arousal unless the man is looking at or touching his wife. By the way, the Bible backs up the idea of a Godly man looking at his wife with extreme desire. Ezekiel's wife is called the "desire of his eyes” (Ezekiel 24:16) Solomon told his wife, "How beautiful and how delightful you are, my love, with all your charms! Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like clusters. I said, 'I will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit stalks'” (Song of Solomon 7:6-8)  (Payleitner)

CLOSING COMMENTS:  THE FOUR ESSENTIAL PRIMARY NEEDS AND HOW THEY DIFFER FOR MEN AND WOMEN:

NEEDS FOR WOMEN:  

Be tender, kind, and gentle with your wife.

Listen to your wife - don't cut her off.  Have open communication, and share your feelings with her.

Spend time with your family, value each one, and make them a priority. (Smalley)

Be the pastor of your home. (Payleitner, 52 Things Husbands Need From Their Wives)

CLOSING COMMENTS:  THE FOUR ESSENTIAL PRIMARY NEEDS AND HOW THEY DIFFER FOR MEN AND WOMEN:

NEEDS FOR MEN:

Husbands need to feel honored and respected by their wives.

Husbands need sexual intimacy.

Husbands need friendship - a wife who enjoys doing fun things together.

Husbands need domestic support - a wife who takes care of the home.  (Payleitner)

Works Cited 

Farrel, Bill, and Pam. Men Are Like Waffles Women Are Like Spaghetti. Eugene: Harvest House Publishers, 2001. Print .

Feldhahn, Shaunti and Craig Gross. Through A Man's Eyes: Helping Women Understand the Visual Nature of Men. Colorado Springs: Multnomah Books, 2001. Print.

Payleitner, Jay. 52 Things Husbands Need From Their Wives. Eugene: Harvest House Publishers, 2013. Print.

--. 52 Things Wives Need From Their Husbands. Eugene: Harvest House Publishers, 2011. Print.

Smalley, Gary. Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Inc., 1999. Print.

Wright, H. Norman. Communication: Key to Your Marriage. Grand Rapids: Bethany House Publishers, 2012. Print.