Pre-marital Counseling Guide - Pastor Greg Walker, Michael La Tulippe

Pre-marital Counseling Guide

Pastor Greg Walker, Michael La Tulippe

Christian Leaders Institute

September 10, 2018

 

Preface

In my experience pre-marital counseling strengthens marriages.  Pre-marital counseling shows that the pastor actually cares about the well being of the betrothed, and the longevity of a successful and Godly marriage.  No reliable and specific statistics can be determined concerning the effects of pre-marital counseling; however, many pastors will agree that such counseling is essential to a healthy, long-lasting marriage.  Some pastors will not perform a wedding ceremony without counseling (I am one of them).

This document is intended as a general guide for premarital counseling.  The three primary topics that should be included are; Biblical concepts of marriage, sex, and money.  Money/finances are the demise of many marriages, hence the importance of this topic.  How these three topics are addressed theologically is at the pastor’s discretion, but all three are considered mandatory in this guide.  Communication skills are also essential to a healthy relationship as a fourth topic, and the subject of children is an important fifth if applicable.  Other topics may be added to suit given situations.

It is my hope and prayer that you find this information helpful.

God’s Blessings,

Pastor Greg Walker

 

 

Format

Begin every meeting with prayer for God’s presence and direction.

Pastors have varying methods, and number of pre-marital counseling sessions.  Whatever the approach, it is important to have a reasonably private setting that is void of interruptions.  This could be the pastor’s office, a restaurant, a park, etc.  Meetings in the homes of the betrothed are acceptable, but tend to be more conducive to interruptions that can ruin the session.

Much can be accomplished in four sessions.  In this format the first meeting is with the bride and groom together and is basically an ice-breaking session.  The second and third sessions are with the bride and groom separately, providing an environment for open and honest discussion that might not otherwise occur.  The fourth session brings everything back together, discussing any non-confidential concerns from the previous individual meetings.  A fifth meeting may be needed to finalize any details of the wedding ceremony.

The meetings should be isolated, especially when the pastor is acquainted with the couple as either friends or family members.  In other words; do not have a session followed by idol conversation and hanging around.  This can be difficult with close friends and family, but remember that you are called to this purpose as a pastor, not a casual friend.  Be professional, have the session, and depart.

Four Sessions Method

The first meeting should be loose and friendly, and usually about 30 minutes or so.  Generally describe the purpose and importance of the sessions.  Discuss the spiritual essence of the ceremony, and ask the couple if they have any scripture verses they would like included in the ceremony.  Just how spiritual a ceremony does the couple want?  Most weddings are not the time for a deep theological message, though as a pastor you should be including God’s Word.  It is important to discuss the level of spirituality of the couple and potential guests to adjust accordingly.  If the couple is not on board with any spirituality, it might be better to refer them to a State authority for a secular wedding.

A veteran pastor was asked to perform a wedding, and she began making plans with the couple.  She sent them a draft of the ceremony she planned including her message, and asked for any comments.  They returned the draft requesting many changes, specifically to remove all the “God stuff.”  She informed them that she could not do the wedding.

 

The first meeting is also a good time to get a head start on the wedding details such as; time date and location, rehearsal date and time, the couple’s full names, parents’ names, etc.

The next two sessions are with the bride and groom separately, and are confidential.  They should last 60-90 minutes.  Suggested topics for discussion are listed later.

These one-on-one meetings raise several concerns.  First and foremost is the security of the pastor when meeting alone, especially with someone of the opposite sex.  Rely on your pastoral training regarding how to set this up appropriately.  Second; Talking with the bride and groom individually provides them each with an opportunity to express concerns they might not raise in the company of their fiancé.  Lastly, this does have potential to get complicated if there are any deep rooted issues that may even be grounds for canceling, or postponing the wedding.  If there are issues of such concern, be sure to know your personal limits as a counselor, be willing to recommend professional counseling, and do not be afraid to decline to perform the wedding.  God hates divorce, so do not perform a union you are certain will fail.

The last session is with the couple together again.  This is the time to tie up any loose ends and concerns from the individual meetings (without breeching confidentiality!).  Provided all is going smoothly this meeting should also be loose and friendly like the first.  This is a good time to discuss wedding details such as date time and location of the wedding and rehearsal, what vows to use, and nuances like unity candles, etc.  It may not be possible to finalize all the details, so plan on a possible fifth meeting.

 

Individual Meeting Discussion Topics

*Topics are merely outlined, and can/should be expanded upon.

Marriage and The Bible

·      What do you think/know of this subject?

·      Ordained by God from the beginning

·      Two become one flesh

·      God hates divorce

·      Best if mates should share the same faith

Money

·      Numerous Biblical references to money and finances

·      Idolatry or stewardship?

·      ALL earnings now belong to BOTH husband and wife – no separate accounts

o   Both participate in budgeting

o   Discuss individual spending limits

Sex

·      The marital bed (no visitors!) gift from God

·      Fetishes and eroticism ok if both consent, and are not harmed or degraded

·      Porn – NO!

·      Keep your bedroom door closed – don’t share sex stories with friends

·      What if you can’t have it?

Communication

·      Do you feel you have good communication with your fiancé

·      Sometimes your spouse just needs to talk about their day, good or bad

·      After talking with toddlers all day your spouse may crave conversation with an adult

·      Listening is a skill which strengthens communication.

This is a HUGE topic, so pastors should develop their own bullet points for this topic based on their experience and expertise.  Use observed interactions of the first meeting, and other familiarity with them as a guide.  The above are just a couple general ideas that are often overlooked.

Colossians 3:8, “But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.”

James 1:19, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Children

·      Bible says to multiply and fill the earth

·      Do you plan on having children?

·      how many

·      do both of you want kids, and the same number

·      the adoption options

Adding other topics is great, and can be fun!  Use your personal experiences about living with others (spouse, roommates) to formulate ideas.  The bathroom is a humorous conflict scenario with hair, aftershave, makeup, which gets there first in the morning, etc.  Fair sharing of resources, besides financial issues, is another good topic.  Also consider a topic of how the couple will spend time together, like weekly date nights.  Be creative, and have fun with it!

 

* A great quote you may wish to include this in your talk with the groom who according to scripture is the “spiritual leader of his family.”

Men, do you have a moral vision for your families, a zeal for the house of the Lord, a magnificent commitment to the advancement of the kingdom, an articulate dream for the mission of the church and a tenderhearted tenacity to make it real? You can’t lead a godly woman without this. She is a grand being!

John Piper (see Gen 1:26-31)

 

Good Marriage Life Guide

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

 

Fully surrender to God
Put Christ in the marriage at the center of all things.
Pray together, for one another, without ceasing
Praise God in ALL things; for the struggles, hard times, and blessing.
Be in the word of God daily and together.
Be committed to God and to one another

Love one another.
Do not mistake the physical for the emotional/spiritual
Never go to bed angry at one another.
Discuss everything, regardless of what you may feel.

Above all; a couple must be equally yoked.
A marriage is NOT 50/50, a marriage is 100/100
Both parties are committed to the Lord and to each other.

Marriage is a sacred covenant which you enter into together before God.