Reading: Chapter 14: Integrity Matters

Chapter 14

INTEGRITY MATTERS

FORM FOLLOWS FUNCTION

Every organization has its own integrity. To function well, it must abide by its own set of rules.

There are integrity matters associated with transformational discipleship. Of course, there are ethical and moral standards tied to every Christian ministry, but this philosophy of ministry places specific demands upon leaders and organizations. We have covered many of these already. As we come to the end of this book, I want to highlight a few additional challenges faced by those who commit to pursuing transformational discipleship as a way of doing ministry among urban youth.

Handling Discipline Problems

Children at times misbehave. Many an unruly child has disrupted meetings, to his or her delight and to the frustration of leaders and their classes. Sometimes fights that began outside resume and take center stage in your well-planned event! That is when you must address “the discipline problem.”

There are aspects to transformational discipleship that minimize this problem. Troublemakers looking for fertile ground may, between September and November, decide not to commit to your program. Additionally, if the ministry is fun, focused and organized, there may not be ample openings to cause trouble.

Generally, the best way to avert discipline problems is through strong directional leadership. Kids focused on what is in front of them have less time to get caught up in side issues or disruptive agendas. Emerging leaders are trained to exert this kind of leadership. But when problems cannot be averted and discipline issues arise, it is time for “Love and Logic.”

Years ago, Foster Cline and Jim Fay wrote a book called Parenting with Love and Logic. I learned about the concept through personal experience: raising an adopted child. Children who experience deep trauma early in life, whether through abandonment or abuse, will suffer to some degree with attachment disorder. Our family was far from alone in facing this challenge; issues of attachment are extremely common in inner-city neighborhoods.

Foster Cline was a pioneer in the field of attachment disorder. Reading Parenting with Love and Logic, I discovered that the principles of raising responsible children and helping the attachment-disordered child were the same. So we adopted a love and logic approach—not only in our home, but also when dealing with the troublesome child in ministry settings.

Keys to Love and Logic

The love and logic approach to dealing with discipline issues fits well with a transformational discipleship philosophy of ministry. Following are a few central principles of this approach to keep in mind:

• No “three strike” rule. Never give a child permission to be disruptive!
• The child is responsible for his or her behavior, not the leader. The leader is, however, responsible for his or her own behavior. Anger and frustration, yelling and arguing, are not appropriate leadership responses—they shift the weight of the problem off the shoulders of the child and onto the leader. The child owns the decision to misbehave. Now he or she owns the consequences. 
• Give children choices you can live with. Never give a child a choice you will not be willing to carry out.
• Consequences should be natural, not punitive. The leader should never punish or act out of anger. Your task is to implement a sensible and natural consequence.
• Remember, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can- not make it drink.” You cannot force a child to behave. That must be their choice. But your handling of the situation can influence how the unruly child responds.

So when a child gets unruly, we escort them out of the classroom, clarify expectations, and present them with a choice:

“You know being here requires behaving and listening to the teacher. You seem to be struggling with that. I’m sorry. If you cannot or do not wish to abide by the rules, that’s okay, but it means we must send you home. Do you want to abide by the rules and stay, or do you want to go home? Your choice. Which do you want to do?”

This is said calmly, directly and with empathy. If the child chooses to stay, honor that choice and allow them to return to the group. If they mess up again (and many times they will), that is also their choice, so follow through on what you told them before: take them home, inform their parents, and encourage the child to try again next time. Again, there should be no expression of anger or frustration. Because the weight of concern should rest completely on the child, do not bear any of that con- cern yourself. This is the child’s problem—the consequence of their choices.

If the child owns their bad choices, they can also own changing them to good choices. As for the group, the meeting goes on unhindered. And the event sends a message to everyone as to how life works in the children’s program.

Adultism

Another integrity issue has to do with adultism. In the world of transformational discipleship, adults play an important role. One role they must not play is that of Lord. Especially hazardous to youth leadership development are adults who suffer from adultism: thinking that reaching adulthood gives one the right to lord themselves over adolescents, and that adults are superior to anyone who is not identified as an adult, simply because of their age. Adultism rears its head when adolescents are told, “Do this/Believe this because I said so,” or when adults are overly protective and/or controlling.

Such adults will kill youth leadership development. In 1 Timothy 4:12, Paul set the standard: “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.” If authority is contingent upon character, adults must exemplify this or lose credibility in the eyes of emerging leaders. Again, in the realm of Kingdom work, stature and authority abide in those who see (and conduct) themselves as servants. For adolescent leadership development to work, adults must embrace the powerful role of experienced life coach.

White DNA

In their book More Than Equals: Racial Healing for the Sake of the Gospel, Spencer Perkins and Chris Rice share a painful reality:

As the smoke cleared after the end of the reconciliation meetings, a survey of the battlefield proved there was a clear victor. The basic conclusion was this: “Given the fact that white European culture is dominant in this country, given the legacy of racial discrimination that puts whites at an advantage in our society, even in the church, unless we make an intentional effort to affirm black leadership, culture and style, whiteness will always dominate.” This painful realization put racial awareness decisively at the forefront of VOC’s [Voice of Calvary’s] agenda. There was an intentional effort to identify black leaders and move them into more positions of influence throughout the ministry ranks and the church.1 (emphasis added)

When I was pastoring a multiethnic church, we referred to this as “white DNA.” We would laugh about it: “You white folks just can’t help yourselves, can you?” But it was a painful and serious reality—one that could only be confronted with great intentionality and humility. Race and class matter. If you are leading an urban ministry, the voices of people indigenous to the population you serve should have influence at every level of your organization. If you are a youth development ministry, your leadership team should consist primarily, if not exclusively, of graduates from your ministry.

The Cost of Integrity

I cannot think of a single ministry that does not, at least by their words, value integrity. Yet real integrity—the kind that permeates an organization at every level—is costly.

• One summer, we had two kids who presented discipline problems. We applied the love and logic approach to both. One changed their behavior and remained at camp. The other, sadly, did not. While we hated to see the child go, we were committed to being people of our word.
• Every summer, college students looking for an urban experience would assist with the day camp. One intern was studying to be an elementary school teacher. She worked with Skye, one of our more experienced emerging leaders. After this intern had persisted in telling Skye what to do, Skye finally looked her in the eyes and said, “Look, I got this.” It was a humbling experience for that intern, but through the experience she learned to respect Skye’s leadership.
• The decision to bring Jimmy on staff was not without cost. There were people within the organization who disagreed with the move. But it was my decision to make, and it was a decision that was consistent with the purpose of the ministry. So I did it, trusting that this Kingdom investment would bring a return far more valuable than anything I might lose in the process.

The Scriptures place a high premium on integrity. Consider these words from Psalm 15:

Lord, who may dwell in your sacred tent? Who may live on your holy mountain?

The one whose walk is blameless, who does what is righteous . . .

who keeps an oath even when it hurts,

and does not change their mind (vv. 1-4).

No Christian organization is perfect. As with an onion, one can peel back the layers of any ministry and find fault. But the nature of transformational discipleship requires a special sensitivity to both walk and talk, values and practice.

The psalmist raises the question, Who may live in God’s presence? One requirement is that people who live in God’s presence keep their promises.

Every urban youth leader makes a promise (“takes an oath”): to serve the young people within their sphere of ministry. Building Cathedrals has examined the substance of that oath. Fulfilling that oath requires a single focus: the pursuit of a ministry marked by integrity.

Note

1. Spencer Perkins and Chris Rice, More Than Equals: Racial Healing for the Sake of the Gospel (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1993), p. 54.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Stories of Transformation

During a recent visit to Denver, Shelly and I had an opportunity to reconnect with Raquel. We had not seen her in a while and were looking forward to getting caught up on events in her life.

It was all we hoped for and more. The child we once knew had blossomed into a beautiful young woman with a budding career as an events planner. Recent challenges had not diminished the qualities that made her special: her smile, her sense of humor, her keen intellect, and her deep love of life.

At one point, Shelly and I shared some of our harder experiences since leaving Denver (we had been gone for four years). As we talked, I noticed that Raquel was listening. (Most people are fair listeners, but encountering a good one—someone who weighs your every word, who listens intently—can be startling.) After a while she responded: slowly, carefully and lovingly, with empathy, concern and counsel. I found my- self on the receiving end of enriching ministry.

As she spoke, memories began to kick in:

I saw a frizzy-haired 16-year-old sitting behind a reception desk. Then the same girl, now 19, is interacting with kids and teens. Then a 20-something version of this young woman is confiding in me: “I don’t know if I can do this [lead the summer camp] . . . I’m not a kid person.”

“You don’t have to be,” I reply. “We know you love them . . . you like organizing things . . . don’t try to be someone you’re not . . . utilize your strengths on their behalf.”

Powerful memories. Then came another—one that took place years before Raquel’s time:

A young believer in his twenties is walking with his pastor. “You’re leaning on me now,” he says, “but the day is coming when we will walk arm-in-arm, serving God together.”

I remembered feeling excited, looking forward to that day.

Raquel was still speaking. Turning off the memories, I sat back and listened. Intently. Drinking in her every word.

At different times over the past few years, Shelly and I have run into adult versions of kids we once knew:

•  We attended a community fundraising event at our grandkids’ elementary school. It was an indoor carnival! The place was filled with the hustle and bustle of children and family members having a great time. We were walking down the hall, taking in the excitement, when two mothers approached me: grown women who were once girls in our club program. Studying the crowd, I recognized other parents and adult leaders who had been involved with Neighborhood Ministries. The setting did not allow for much sharing, but both moms expressed their appreciation for their Neighborhood Ministries experience—and hoped their children would have similar opportunities.
• Shelly and I took our grandkids to the community library. The man at the front desk recognized us. It was James, one of our original youth group members. He was a librarian. He shared about his family and the church they were attending—and expressed gratitude for his experience with Neighborhood Ministries.
• Shelly recently attended Raquel’s wedding. (Sadly, I was sick and could not join her.) Two of the young women in the wedding party had, in their teen years, served as emerging leaders. They had graduated from college and were pursuing meaningful careers. They each made a point to express to Shelly how much they appreciated their time at Neighborhood Ministries. They asked her to thank me for the opportunities to travel and develop their leadership skills. (They also promised to pray for my recovery!)

What makes these encounters meaningful is the sense of gratitude that permeates the conversation. We are all grateful—ministry alums and leaders alike—for the influence we had on each other and for the work God did in our lives while we were together.

It would be presumptuous for any ministry to conclude that they are completely responsible (i.e., God’s sole channel) for the transformation of a given life. The tapestries of our lives are far too complex for that. God will use a combination of influences that can come from a variety of sources: family, church, school, other ministries, friends, and the like.

But within the scope of God’s kingdom agenda, transformational discipleship plays an important role. The biblical principles and divine mandates inherent in the transformational discipleship concept should compel concerned leaders to pursue the infusion of transformational discipleship into the fabric of urban youth ministry.

The rewards that come from creating environments in which youth can discover who they are in Christ are many. But I believe the greatest reward is seeing what God has done in an inner-city kid’s life, and knowing that you played a role in that transformation.

Transformations like these are needed in city centers across the country and around the world. I believe that urban children and youth hunger for safe, nurturing places in which they can grow into the men and women God has created them to be. And there are people—you, perhaps—who are strategically positioned to create those places and foster that transformation.

For the urban child hungering to know he/she is fearfully and wonderfully made, and for those courageous leaders burdened to see young divine imprints come alive, may you discover the joy of igniting potential, transforming young lives, and forging the next generation of urban leaders, all for the glory of God.