Reading: Lesson 9 - Exploring Further (Video Slides)

By Edwin D. Roels

1. Is it better for parents to choose marriage partners for their children, or is it better for the marriage partners to make this decision themselves? If the Bible does not answer this question, how can we determine what is best?

In places where parents traditionally choose marriage partners for their children, people will likely be inclined to think that this is definitely the better way. When people are brought up in an area where men and women choose their own marriage partners, they will likely think that this is the better way.

Does the Bible give us any clear teachings regarding this matter? Not specifically. In the early part of the Bible, it seems that at least some parents played a very strong role in finding marriage partners for their children. Abraham, for example, sent his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac. Even so, the woman chosen, Rebekah, was asked whether she wanted to leave her family in order to be married (Genesis 24). Isaac and his wife, Rebekah, later played a strong role in sending their son Jacob to find a wife. At the same time, Jacob’s own attraction to the lovely Rachel motivated him. (Genesis 27:46 and Genesis 28 and 29). Judges 14:1-4 tells of the role of parents in the marriage of Samson, though Samson disregarded his parents’ advice not to marry a pagan woman. Other passages also indicate that parents “gave” a daughter to someone in marriage, and the groom (or his family) was expected to give an appropriate gift to the woman’s father for the “loss” of his daughter. (See Genesis 34:11-12; Genesis 29:18-20; 34:12; and Exodus 22:16-17.) In the New Testament Paul writes that older women should teach the younger women to love their husbands (Titus 2:4). This may hint that the marriages he refers to were “arranged” marriages rather than “love” marriages, but it is not actually stated that the marriages were arranged by parents, and it is certainly not commanded that all marriages be arranged by parents. In another place, Paul writes that a widow who wishes to marry again is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39). Here it sounds like the choice of mate would be up to her, not her family. None of these passages contains a clear command from God as to whether or not marriages should always be arranged by the parents. For the most part, both in Bible times and in history, marriages were arranged in different ways at different times and in different places. There would appear to be no specific arrangement which is the only one pleasing to God or the only one likely to produce a long and happy marriage.

Matchmaking arrangements may vary, but in most cases it is wise for young people and their parents to seek each other’s input when choosing a marriage partner. In a society where arranged marriage is common, parents should not force a mate on an unwilling son or daughter but rather pay close attention to the young person’s wishes. The Bible commands fathers not to provoke their children to anger (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 4:21), so it would be wrong to push a young person unwillingly into a marriage. Conversely, in a society where most people choose their own marriage partners, young people would be wise to seek the advice of Christian parents and ask their blessing on a marriage even though the parents don’t actually choose the spouse or arrange the marriage. Parents have had many more life experiences than younger people, and they are able to recognize potential problems or pitfalls which younger people may not see.

It is also generally helpful for a bride and groom to have similar backgrounds, though this is not absolutely essential. It is very important, however, for the marriage partners to share a common faith. For Christians, this is not only important but also commanded. (See 1 Corinthians 7:39 and 2 Corinthians 6:14). It is also very helpful (if possible) for a bride and groom, before marriage, to have some meaningful counseling from people who are able to provide helpful guidance and direction. As most married people realize, it is not enough that a bride and groom have strong feelings for each other. Life has many dimensions and challenges, and potential husbands and wives should be made aware of these before they make a permanent commitment to love and live with each other as long as they both shall live. (See Paul’s observations in 1 Corinthians 7:28 and 7:32-35.)

2. In Matthew 19:4-6 Jesus says that “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife.” Does this mean that young couples should not live with their parents after they are married?

Not necessarily. There are times and circumstances (such as a housing shortage or economic concerns) which make it necessary for young married couples to live with their parents. There may also be other situations where local customs expect young people to live with their parents for a while after they are married. However, Jesus’ teachings in Matthew 19 would appear to indicate that a man and wife have stronger obligations to each other than to their parents. (See also Genesis 2:24 in this connection.) The newly married man should, as soon as possible, become the head of a new household and no longer occupy a secondary place in his home. The wife also should give her primary allegiance to her husband rather than to her parents. However, both husband and wife should seek to maintain a cordial and loving relationship with their parents, respecting them for who they are, and showing appropriate gratitude for all that they did for them during the years before their marriage.

3. What are some reasons why it might be wise or desirable for a young man or woman to remain single rather than seeking marriage?

There are various good reasons why a young person might choose not to marry. Consider what Paul writes about this in 1 Corinthians 7. Marriage can bring burdens and distractions as well as joys and blessings, and the distractions might well interfere with a person’s strong desire and commitment to serve the Lord in some special way. Paul himself chose to remain single for that very reason. Further, since there are many marriages that result in unhappiness or even divorce, a young person who is content to live a single life might understandably feel that he/she will live more happily without marriage. Others simply cannot find anyone they feel would make a suitable spouse. For them, it would not be worth the risk of living unhappily with someone for the rest of their life. There are also those who simply enjoy the freedom of living, working, traveling, and enjoying their hobbies and special interests without running the risk of marrying someone who would be a burden rather than a blessing. All of these reasons would seem to be legitimate if a person is able without too much difficulty to live a celibate life as Paul indicated in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9. On the other hand, a “swinging single,” who avoids marriage commitment to one person in order to pursue sexual relationships with many different people, is staying single for a very bad reason. That person is living like a fornicator who has no part in God’s kingdom.

4. One of the purposes of marriage is to produce children. Are there any good reasons why Christians should or may decide not to have children?

In Bible times children were usually regarded as a precious gift from God. (See, for example, Genesis 30:19-20, Psalm 127:3-5 and 128:3-4.) Not being able to bear children was usually considered a great disgrace, a huge disappointment, and maybe even a punishment from God. (See Genesis 30:1-2, 22 and 1 Samuel 1:10-11.) Are there situations, then, when God is pleased with a couple’s decision not to have children? Christians do not always agree on the correct answer to that question.

When married couples prayerfully seek to know God’s will in this regard and then decide not to have children so that they can serve the Lord more effectively, most believers would seem to have no major problem with that decision. When couples choose not to have children because of the very difficult circumstances in which they live—such as very challenging economic problems, severe persecution of believers in their area, genuine health concerns or other pressing needs, many Christians would not challenge their decision. However, when couples choose not to have children simply so that they can spend more time and money on their own pleasures, some Christians would definitely question their decision. Each of us must seek to serve the Lord to the very best of our ability without quickly judging the decisions of others. Ultimately, every decision that is made in regard to having children must be made prayerfully, humbly, and sincerely. We should beware of being influenced by social trends that are anti-child or look down upon larger families, and we should take to heart the biblical teaching that children are precious blessings from God.

5. Husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave his life for the church. What should a Christian wife do if her husband does not love her or treat her with kindness, helpfulness and respect?

Regrettably, the situation described here is very common. This may be especially true in areas where women have historically been treated as “second class citizens” or when a Christian woman has a non-Christian husband. However, it is also true in some Christian homes. The solution to this problem is not simple. In Christian homes, the husband should be patiently but strongly reminded what the Bible says about the divinely appointed role of husbands in a marriage and the command: Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. (Colossians 3:19) Pastoral or other professional counseling may be both needed and helpful. Happily married couples could possibly meet with those in troubled marriages. Much prayer should be offered by those who know the situation and are concerned about it. Women who are familiar with broken situations should thoughtfully, lovingly, and prayerfully provide support for the wives whose husbands are unloving, unkind, or not very thoughtful. Wives with unloving husbands can also be given helpful literature to read on how faithful wives should deal with their domestic problems. In very many cases, however, the problem is never fully overcome. This is particularly true in cultures where women are generally treated poorly. In those cultures, husbands often do not consider their behavior to be inappropriate, and they are not easily persuaded that it is.

6. Should Christian wives obey their husbands if their husbands tell them to do something that is contrary to the teachings of the Bible?

There are some who answer this question with a strong YES. They claim that husbands who tell their wives to do something wrong are responsible for the subsequent behavior of their wives, and the wives who faithfully do what their husbands tell them to do are themselves not guilty, no matter what they do. However, that is not true. Husbands do have some authority in the home, but they do not have a higher authority than God does. Wives (as well as the rest of us) must always obey God rather than man. (See Acts 4:19 and 5:29.) So wives should not obey husbands who tell them to do something wrong.

7. Is divorce ever permissible for believers? Is re-marriage permissible for those who have been divorced on unbiblical grounds?

God hates divorce (Malachi 2:13-16), though in Old Testament times he permitted people to divorce their spouses on certain grounds because of the hardness of their hearts. (See Deuteronomy 24:1-4; Matthew 19:1-8.) In the New Testament, however, God makes it very clear that the only permissible ground for divorce is marital unfaithfulness on the part of one of the partners (Matthew 19:9). Most evangelicals understand “unfaithfulness” here to refer specifically to adultery. However, since the Greek word used here for “unfaithfulness” is not the same as the word for “adultery,” some believe that “unfaithfulness” may possibly refer to other forms of unfaithfulness as well. From the very beginning, however, God intended that marriage would be permanent—and he still does!

If a person is divorced on grounds other than adultery of the spouse, that person should remain single or be reconciled to the spouse (1 Corinthians 7:11-12). However, if a person is divorced on the grounds of marital unfaithfulness, the spouse is free to marry and is not considered an adulterer (Matthew 19:9). (Note: In Leviticus 21:7 and 14 and in Ezekiel 44:22 we read that a priest was not permitted to marry either a widow or a divorced person—except for widows of priests. That prohibition is not repeated in the New Testament.)

8. Homosexuality is becoming more common in the world and even in some churches. Should the church today accept a homosexual lifestyle as acceptable to God? If not, how should the church deal with homosexual persons who claim to be followers of Christ?

Though homosexuality is becoming widely accepted in some societies, the Bible never condones a homosexual lifestyle for either men or women. The church, therefore, should not act as if homosexuality is now acceptable to God. It isn’t. At the same time, we should recognize that for some people a homosexual lifestyle seems more “natural” for them than a heterosexual lifestyle. And, if people are convinced that something feels “natural” rather than “chosen,” they may feel that they are no longer responsible for their conduct. However, that does not make their conduct right or acceptable in the sight of God.

Those who are involved in a homosexual lifestyle should be treated with sincere and loving concern rather than simply being condemned for something which they feel is beyond their personal control. At times, professional help might also be recommended for those who would very much want to pursue a lifestyle that is pleasing to the Lord. At the same time they should be shown from the Bible (if they are willing to listen) that what seems “natural” is often sinful and wrong in the sight of God. They, like the rest of us, may often have to be reminded that what is right or wrong in God’s sight is not determined by our natural feelings or tendencies but by what God himself teaches us in His Word. The church must warn that homosexual sin, like all other sin, leads to ruin and hell if there is no repentance or desire to change. The church must also bring good news: homosexual sin, like all other sin, can be forgiven when people repent and count on Jesus’ blood to wash away their guilt; and such sin can be resisted by the power of God’s Holy Spirit living within us (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

9. Some believers in the Old Testament (such as Abraham, Jacob, and David) had more than one wife and God did not seem to condemn them for that. Are there situations today where the church should regard polygamy as acceptable to God?

Polygamy is generally not a major issue in most western cultures. However, it is still a major concern in some other cultures. Given the fact that Old Testament leaders often had more than one wife, it would seem fairly easy for believers in some cultures to justify their own polygamous practices. However, God created only one wife for Adam in the beginning, and this seemed to be the divine pattern for marriage in the future. The pattern of having only one spouse is also the approved pattern for leaders in the New Testament. (See, for example, 1 Timothy 3:2 and 1 Timothy 3:12.)

A significant problem arises, however, when a man with several wives becomes a Christian and for the first time realizes what God’s intention is for marriage. If the polygamist divorced all his wives but one, he would be “guilty” of divorcing innocent wives. In addition, the divorced wives might have an extremely difficult time providing for themselves and any children they might already have. They might also be looked down upon by others in the community and have very little opportunity to support themselves. In those situations, missionaries and other mature believers sometimes decide that the best thing they can do is to promote a monogamous lifestyle in the community and make sure that no new believers take more than one wife for themselves. They also appoint as leaders only those who have one spouse. At the same time, realizing that divorced wives would have an extremely difficult time in their culture, they permit polygamous men to continue to live with the wives they already have if they so choose. This may not be an ideal solution to the problem, but it does seek to meet the needs of people in less than ideal situations in a loving and caring way.

10. What are some of the most important things that parents today can and should do for their children?

The answer to this question will depend at least partly on the situation where people are living. However, there are some things which should be relevant in every culture or situation. Among them are the following: Parents should set an example for their children in every area of life. They should be people of integrity, perseverance, diligence, patience, love for family and others. They should also put Christ first in their lives, be faithful to their marriage partners and show them honor and respect, be faithful in worship, prayer, and study of the Scriptures. They should seek to return good for evil, show kindness to those who may not treat them kindly, be sensitive to the needs of the poor, help those who are in need, and earnestly seek to stay away from anything and everything that would be displeasing to the Lord or hurtful to others. Sensitive parents will also spend quality time with their children, be sensitive to their needs and concerns, deal patiently with their weaknesses, encourage them as much as possible, discipline them in love, and pray faithfully for each child individually. They should also put much more emphasis on the treasures of heaven than on the accumulation of earthly goods. A good motto for all parents can be found in the Scriptures where Joshua boldly proclaimed: “As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15).