Transcript: First Principle - Mutual Consent to Choose the Right Time

Video Transcript: First Principle – Mutual Consent to Choose the Right Time

Hello, and welcome to the class on the nine foundational principles for conflict resolution. I'm Kristine Koetje-Balder and I'm actually going to be giving education for the help for conflict resolution, as well as some visuals to give reminders about these steps. The first step is going to be mutual consent to choose the right time. 

Now the principle that I want to talk about is going to be the whole principle. And why this is so important in the whole principle is because this stands for being hungry, alone, lonely and tired, or hungry, and angry. To be having hunger and anger is not a way to handle conflict, being either will make nerves raw and can bring ability, the surface to be very irritated, the need to eat and stabilize blood sugar will be helpful in preparation for the right time. My children always tell me that even though I am a therapist, and very nurturing, and very patient with all of my clients, we can get into a restaurant and the minute I place the order, and if the food is a really longer than what mom thinks, I become irritated. And that is not my true nature. It is definitely because I am hungry. So I don't want to be entering into conflict and ask my couples and my folks to not enter into contracts either if they are very hungry, which will lead to anger. Anger can be extremely unproductive in resolving conflict. And if present, then this is not the right time to begin to solve the conflict. Anger can cause an amygdala hijack. Now this is an organ that is lodged in the limbic system of the brain that rules our reactions without the benefit of logic or reason, and then can cause our bodies to go into a fight or flight response. 

Now the rational brain can make very sound decisions, a rational brain produces information in 15 milliseconds. But an emotional brain produces information in two milliseconds, which is 250 times faster. Now, we might think that that is more beneficial because it can process so much faster. However, what happens with the amygdala hijacks, is that thoughts and reactions become very irrational, there is not the ability to have more time to process to think, to be contemplating the Lord's guidance, to have the right words, to check the emotions that are going to be coming. It just responds, and it often can be very harsh with words. And that angry emotions can cause that amygdala hijack, and that is not helpful. 

How about loneliness and tired when profoundly lonely, there can be avoidance and depression. And I'm actually gave a site on the internet to look for guides and understanding more about depression. proper rest is also essential for conflict resolution, and attention and focus are needed for best outcome in terms of resolution that is all extremely, extremely important. And without, without rest, it is very difficult to have good resolution. I was thinking about an article that I had read on the YouTube recently, and it was about some driver training issues. And they found that with the ability to have proper sleep, that if there are a sleep deprivation that is very similar to as if a person were intoxicated, that's how difficult it was to get through some of the barriers and this driver training program. Because we're sleep deprivation, the ability to focus and make sound decisions is not at top potential, all the more reason to not be resolving conflict if there is sleep deprivation. 

So be in a position where both individuals involved in the conflict will have ample time not to be hurried or in a rush. These three things will place unneeded pressure on the conversation. I know that I have learned with my husband and I and in conversations we run compassionate Christian counseling together. So sometimes there are some important decisions that are needed to be made. And it could be a financial decision. I might have a need to right away ask him about a decision and it could be right in between my sessions and that might be like five minutes. I've learned not to do that. Because he can tell that I'm in a hurry, I have to get to my next appointment. And that usually will prompt him to say no. And I understand that because if he is in a rushed position for conversation and there is not ample time, it is much easier to say no and then not have to worry about any of the answer anymore after that. So I will wait until usually dinnertime or at the end of our work day before I bring up issues, and especially an issue that might be conflictual.

When the whole principle is not at the forefront and both parties are in irrational straight This would allow for the opportunity to reflect and pray and this is absolutely important to James One, two through five speaks of the patients in the absence of hurry. And taking the opportunity to pray will lead to answers my brethren counted all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience, but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives to all liberally and without reproach and it will be given to him and that is the bulk for the first principle. Thank you.