Transcript: Stay in the I Pronoun

Video Transcript: Third Principle – Stay in the I Pronoun

This is the third principle that we're going to be discussing, and it is about seeing and the I pronoun. And this should help to remember to stay in the I. The reason that this is so important it is it does not come across as defensive as YOU statements. Now I'll give you an example of some YOU statements and what they sound like. And then I'll verbally give an idea of what an I statement could sound like.

How about YOU are always late. Instead, I noticed that it is getting very late and I was worried about you. How about waiting up for YOU is pointless. Now that actually is quite a derogatory statement. So I'm not going to even give a refraining, but notice how they YOU really makes conflict come to the forefront because it will put the person on the defensive. Counting on YOU to come home on time is never going to happen. 

Now let's go with the I. I feel much safer when you are home with me, and I don't worry then. That will let the person know that you're missing them that you do worry. And that doesn't accuse them or belittle them, by using the YOU pronoun. How about YOU continue to disappoint me by not keeping your word. I would rather have it be thank you for keeping your word. And this is something we had agreed upon. So you're going for the proactive and the positive rather than the negative. And this one YOU don't care about anything else except yourself or YOU don't care about anyone else except yourself. And then the I sentence could be. I feel cared for when and then you could give your spouse an example. Because when again, we own these emotions or these feelings, the conflicts can be resolved more healthfully. 

How about using I statements allows the person to take responsibility for their behavior and their own feelings. Use correctly they remove any accusatory tone in the statement and allow the person to express the point without getting a defensive reaction. 

There are three important components to an I statement,

- stating your feeling, 

- connecting the feeling to an issue, and 

- stating what you want to have happen. 

The ability to own the feelings allows the spouse to share more vulnerability and honesty. This will allow for a much stronger possibility of the spouse engaging in dialogue and eventual resolution to the conflict. If YOU statements are used, it would more possibly bring the spouse leaving the conversation and definitely not seen in dialogue. And if there is not the ability to stay engaged in dialogue, the hope to resolve the conflict is markedly reduced. Thank you.