Transcript: Attack the Problem and Not the Person

Video Transcript: Fourth Principle – Attack the Problem and Not the Person

Welcome to the nine foundational principles for conflict resolution. And today we're going to be speaking about principles four through six. Principle four, this is attack the problem and not the person. How about this is a visual? Does that look like finger-pointing? And how do we feel often when someone points their finger at us, I can be in a session. And having conflict coming up in the session between two people, a couple, it might be a parent and child. And if they start to point their finger, and they might not even realize that I will gently sit forward, and I might just touch that finger and ask them to put their hand on their lap. Or I might say, I'd rather have them reach out with an open hand, because it does not come across in nonverbal body language as attacking their person. Because being attacked is like having a label being labeled stupid or slob or saying things like I don't want to be around you anymore. Or even things like you always, or you never are attacks on the person or their character, as well as lies. This is still a child of the Most High God. 

This does nothing to solve the conflict but rather will intensify the conflict with whom God has called us to walk with in unity, I think of a couple that I was working with, and they had saved very much for a long time money to buy a pontoon boat, they love the water, they wanted to go out on this pontoon. They had only had the pontoon for two weeks and came in for a couple session. And we're going to sell the pontoon because it was causing so much conflict. And yet it had been something they had dreamed and planned for, for at least a couple of years. 

Well, upon further discussion, found out that they were not able to navigate some of the more marine duties, like being able to tie the boat up at the docks or getting the boat ready and on time. And sometimes if the wife didn't do it just right, the husband would get very, very mad. And when he would get mad, he would tell her that she was stupid. And how could she be such an idiot for not knowing how to address this boat and get that rope tied or get that rope undone. Now, interestingly, the husband was raised in a family that was incredibly rigid. His father was like a drill sergeant. And if he did the one thing that his father had told him to do, but then did it wrong, it would be infuriating to the Father and He would swear and call his son stupid. 

So he had this imprint. Now the reason the husband had gotten so mad at the wife is because she had been raised on a lake and grew up in a lake as a child with her family. However, she had been around boats, but they always were pulled up on a lift. She had never been around a big pontoon that had to come up near a dock and where ropes were involved in time certain knots. Once we processed all this in this session, we had different plans of words that would be used, how instruction could be given the practice that would be needed. And actually, I got to a point that they really started to enjoy their pontoon. 

But the labels using some derogatory words had been very ineffective and almost had taken away something that was going to be really such peace for this couple in such sanctuary. And remember, a label does nothing to solve the conflict, but rather will intensify the conflict with whom God has called us to walk in unity. Now and when the agitation occurs, please know that there could be their risk to attack the person and use inflammatory words. That would be a very amygdala type response, which we talked about in an earlier step. So ask yourself the following questions. 

Do you want your partner to understand you better? Do you want to feel closer to your partner? Do you want an apology? Do you want to punish your partner by making them feel guilty, shameful or hurt? Because remember, if frustration and attack happens, such as what's discussed earlier, it will be very difficult to achieve the hope of questions one and two, that's been able to reflect and ask these questions could change the way that the problem is handled. And also the words that are chosen to be spoken to the partner. And remember, with a little reflective prayer and just a silent time, asking Jesus to help the words. There will not be labels or accusatory words and that will be used. And thank you. That's step four.