Transcript: Active and Attentive Listening

Video Transcript: Fifth Principle – Active and Attentive Listening

And this is the fifth principle and this is active and attentive listening. How about this for a visual, this is a pretty healthy ear, and it definitely wants to listen and help to bring healthy conflict resolution. Or the first thoughts in listening is don't interrupt. This will mean that you are very aware to not be talking and paying attention to what your spouse is saying, always let the speaker finish his or her statement before trying to reply. That's very, very important. 

I would ask him questions throughout a conversation. If you ask your spouse, they will know that you are listening to what they are saying. But be careful not to ask too many questions. Because those three to six are the reasonable number. Sometimes questions can also be a trigger. This is something asking the Lord for guidance. If you consent to the question is causing a bit more tension, then this is a statement that could be used, tell me more, that will still show that you're wanting to have an attentive listening style and will let your spouse feel that you are caring about what they are saying. Also, please try to give some acknowledgements from time to time such as aha, yes, I know, I understand. You can even start to summarize with your own words, and what you understand. Now, if you are going to say I know, you might want to explain why you do know, there are sometimes issues when a spouse or it could be a friend, that is saying something, and it could be very painful, and we really have not experienced it. So if you do choose to use, I know, briefly, you could say like one sentence I know, because I have had loss, you don't want to get off and making that this about you now. But just I know, because I've also had a surgery, just very, very brief. 

Also, keep eye contact, face your spouse and watch them in the eye, your spouse will feel appreciated and respected. Now cell phone would be a no no example. Eye contact is very important for active and attentive listening. Let's use an acronym for simplicity. And this might help to have more to the forefront good listening skills. And for memory sake, in terms of active and attentive listening, ask rarely face the person, oh, open your posture. Because if you start to close your arms, if you start to look to the side, they'll feel like you're not involved in the conversation anymore. How about lean towards the center, or have eye contact and keep that maintained and relaxed while attending, the more that they talk. And if you get kind of sit back in the chair or show that you're relaxed, that will invite them to talk more. And actually, I'd like to specifically speak a little bit more about this eye contact and how important that is. And when I say eye contact, I mean in a very calm in a very gentle way to have contact. 

And that's because there is issues happening in the brain when conflict starts. And that is between the left brain and the right brain. And I'm going to read from an article to give a little bit more explanation about why this is so important. The left brain is so still associated with reading, writing and speaking words. Linear thinking the left brain analyzes detailed information and solves problems. It plans for future actions and dealing with the outside world. When you are consciously thinking about thinking you are probably using your left brain, feelings of calm, contentment, and safety are associated with the left hemisphere. Thus, we can call the left brain the logic brain. Now the right brain thinks in pictures while the left brain thinks in words. Your right brain has more neurons connected to your body so that when you have gut feelings or make gut decisions, you are likely to be using your right brain. 

Your right brain is faster thinking of the left. In fact, that's where that amygdala is at and has probably saved your life. Many times with quick automatic action, be it the fight flight or freeze. And that's the amygdala. And the right brain has an amygdala and sometimes it can get particularly attentive to negative facial expressions, especially a fear and anger. So if in the SOLER, (acronym on slide reading), when eye contact is being maintained, and your spouse in conflict starts to get upset, maybe they roll their eyes, maybe their forehead crunches, maybe their jaw tightens. The absolute issue that could happen is a right brain could kick in and the amygdala would be signaled that they're in danger, and then they're going to get angry. And it might not even be a word at that point, which might be just because of what's happening with facial expressions. And it's causing an issue now in the conflict resolution, because the right brain actually pays attention to nonverbal communication. It could be a tone of voice, facial expressions, eye contact, hand guessers are highly important. These nonverbal factors may matter much more than any particular words that you say. So, if you're wanting to resolve the conflict with some attentive listening, please think about how you're coming across that verbally. 

In fact, maybe to reach out and put a comfort touch on your spouse, perhaps softening your face, making sure that your face is relaxed, looking at them with more care in your eyes, and making sure that you're not having a grimace or tension on your face, or even tensing your body or starting to clench your fist. Because any of those postures the right brain is going to pick up in the listening style, and that could cause more arguments and plast resolution. The Bible has some powerful statements to say about listening as well. How about Proverbs 18:13? If one gives an answer before he hears it is his folly and shame. James 1:19. Notice my beloved brother and let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. There is a saying that goes we have given two ears, but only one mouth. This is because God knew that listening was twice as hard as talking. And that's the end of the fourth step.