Transcript: I am sorry

Video Transcript: Sixth Principle – I Am Sorry

And this is the sixth principle. I am sorry, those are such important words when there's conflict resolution, James 5:16 states, therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other, so that you may be healed. That prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. How about this? Even to say the words I'm sorry and to be in a position and a place of prayer is absolutely important. And why apology is important, apologizing can make clear that you are concerned about your mates welfare. Apologies can help de escalate conflict. Examples of a mediocre apology though, and this is not as helpful in conflict resolution, how about the hand in the cookie jar, getting caught and facing the consequences? Or of what might have happened? Not for what actually did happen? That is very mediocre? How about the perfunctory sorry. I am sorry, because I am supposed to be, it actually gives a rationalization and doesn't come across as truly being truly sorry, the blame shifting sorry, I am sorry. But then immediately blame the other person that will take away from the apology, the minute that the blame sets in, which is very difficult for conflict resolution. 

The beyond my control, sorry, I'm sorry, I did not come home in time for our dinner date. But you forgot to remind me, this is almost a cousin to blaming, it is shifting that and putting some responsibility on the other person, when actually to know to come home on time would have been the person's responsibility. How about the end justifies the means sorry, I'm sorry, I spent the rest of this week's budget, but I had to buy this food that needs to be in the cupboard, that justifies it is not an authentic apology. And then the minimize the apology? Well, maybe I did that, but. If ever there ends up being a but, that definitely falls into the realm of mediocre apology. 

How about genuine apology guidelines to apologize as soon as you realize there has been offence felt by your spouse is genuine. The longer the wait before apology, the longer the conflict is prolonged. Don't say sorry, if you don't mean it, as apologies have to be real. In fact, I would rather have someone who is in conflict. And I'm going to say husband or wife to come back later. If they know the apology can be real, if they're not in a position at the time of a conflict to say the apology. And so they would say something that was mediocre, or maybe no apology at all. I would rather have them give some time to contemplate to pray, and then come back with a sincere or genuine apology. Show genuine interest in why your partner is hurt. Try asking questions about how they feel, and what would make them feel better. That's very important. 

Take full responsibility for hurting your partner's feelings and explain what you might want to do. Oh, one thing before with that previous slide is that make sure in this genuine interest, this is something similar to what I talked about before. If you start to ask too many questions, and you can tell that they're getting upset. Use the statement tell me more, tell me more. Especially if you're wanting to know why they're hurt, because sometimes the questions can stop them from expressing their hurt. But tell me more statement will help them speak further about their hurt. Now taking more responsibility. Let's look at some things that would be important. Sentence examples are as follows. I really blew that one. Let me try again. Tell me what you hear me saying? How can I make things better? Let me start again in a softer way. And I can see my part in all of this. All of those are ownership questions. Notice how many I statements were in these statements, and that's huge as well in the conflict resolution, so very, very strong.

This is a link I'd like to provide for you. It comes from a book about the languages apology. It's a link referencing apology issues by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. I strongly urge all of you to take the apology profile that is on this website and it will gain more insight into the way that you receive and understand apology. Now I've actually brought some awareness now to the rest of this class about the five languages that they have identified in this profile. 

The first one is expressing regret. This is one of the less demanding apology languages. The apologizer simply has to express that they are sorry for what they have done and imply that they feel guilty or shameful for their actions. This is all centered on feeling empathy for others. This style can be too forgiving to a fault because it does not ensure that they won't continue to hurt again. And it is basically as simple as to say I'm sorry, or to say, I'm sorry that you were hurt, and then moving on, but truly, it is still part of apology. There are some folks that struggle with empathy, that can't even do the first part of the five languages of apology. And that is expressing regret about the second one genuinely repenting.

This language centers and attempting to modify the behavior that caused the pain. If this is your apology language, then you hope person or hurt you will make an honest attempt at changing their behavior. In fact, you probably are looking for that you are watching for that. And that means that you need something beyond just and I'm sorry, that I hurt you. You're wanting to see that that person will change something about whatever it was that hurt you.

Number three, accepting responsibility. And that's a huge one too. And this affirmation of the offender's actions that hurt the other person's feelings. For those who have this love language as their priority, they want to hear the person say, I am wrong. This goes beyond just saying I'm sorry, or even that I hurt you. Rather, it is an I'm sorry, I know I was wrong for doing. This shows that the person is fully aware of their wrongdoing and is able to specifically identify the problem, which caused the pain. In my practice, when I am working through conflict issues. This is called having insight. If a person has the ability to have insight, and that's pretty strong emotional intelligence, they not only will be able to do the first couple steps of apology, which is being able to acknowledge saying, sorry, and actually do something different. But now they can identify what was wrong, or what it was that they did that needs to be changed. 

This is insight at emotional intelligence. How about requesting forgiveness, if you value someone requesting your forgiveness, then you see it as the offender's way of expressing that they still wants you to love them, not only does this affirm that they know why they have done you wrong, but it's their way of wanting to express that they want to repair and restore the relationship. That is huge. And if these last two are in place, and remember it is accepting responsibility, and requesting forgiveness, there should be some definable tangible things that are happening. I'll give you an example. I had a man that was doing some unsafe, sinful things with his cell phone. He was getting into the internet and having some porn experiences looking at pictures. Actually, he was getting into. It's an internet site where you can have these chats with other women. And it's usually of a sexual nature. And it certainly was contrary to his marriage vows and the oath of his marriage, his wife inadvertently found some of these texts, and she was devastated. And that came up in our session, he went through all of the steps of apology. And he even chained to the requesting forgiveness, it was amazing. And in requesting forgiveness, he wanted to make restitution. And that is making restitution requires that you do extra things for the person to make them feel safe and loved. This may have nothing to do with the actual content of what hurt them. An example would be to receive flowers, a spouse would feel better with the apology language to have a more tangible expression of a restitution. Not every spouse needs this, but many do. Now, this man not only did a couple of things for the wife, he did some things tangible. He did some things around the house that he knew that she would like. But he also did something specific with the phone. He let his wife have all of his passwords. He also put a new app on his phone, that was a protection mechanism. And the wife became the accountability person and so did one of his male friends, which was an accountability partner. And they could see any place that he went while he was on the phone or any internet searches. And that brought much more accountability and brought that hurtful internet connection to an end. And that was the way he made restitution and actually still brought about more asking for forgiveness from his wife.

Now lastly, sometimes people don't apologize because they are too ashamed. However, please forgive them anyway. Even if you are hoping to have this shared with your spouse and want them to understand the five languages and apology. Sometimes there are people who will because of their wounds or maybe their walk of healing are not ready to give the apology. Yet sometimes you have to be okay with a star you never got. God calls us to forgive all of those who have done us wrong and whether we have received an apology or not. Please know that you can continue to pray that the Lord will bring the insight to the person that has offended you for apology. But the Lord will walk with you and let your heart find ways to still forgive them, even if the apology has not come on this side of heaven. And that can still be your continued prayer to have that take place. And know that Jesus will listen. Thank you. That is step the principal conflict number six