Transcript: Forgiveness Session 2

Video Transcript: Forgiveness Session 2

One of the books that I refer to quite often is by Adam Hamilton, it is on forgiveness. He is a pastor. And he gives wonderful analogies and some truth and forgiveness. And he was talking about how he came upon a website and this website was for people that could anonymously post apologies that had that they felt needed to be given. And sometimes a person could have passed away. Maybe that's why they want to use the website. Sometimes it was something that happened were way in the past, and they'd never be able to talk to the people anymore. But it was fascinating, because it was a burden on them that they knew they needed to apologize and make it tangible verbalize it. I just wanted to read a couple It was quite amazing. To all of the customers of the local florist who got sneezing powder in their flowers last Tuesday. I apologize. You really were not the intended victims. I just wanted to make you angry at the florist, my stingy employer, I wasn't trying to hurt you, Bill. Now, of course, he wouldn't have been able to talk to the actual people that he felt he offended. But he put it on this website. 

How about this one to all my high school classmates? I'm so sorry for those mornings when I came to school without brushing my teeth. I don't know where I got that idea that if I didn't eat, I didn't need to brush. I know you tried to hint. But I didn't get it. Isn't that something? And this fella had thought about that for years and then wanted to put it down as a post. How about this one? I'm sorry, you were waiting for the car to get on the parking place. So you could back in, I split in in front of you. I did it on purpose, because I had desperate need to get into the store so I could use the bathroom. And there were no other spaces. I realized I took your place. My apologies. I hope you read this and understand driver of the gray Honda. Isn't that precious? And how about this one? For all the things that happened to you as a kid that I never knew about? Maybe you were told not to tell me. But I should have been there for you. And you should have been able to tell me anything for the fact that you weren't and I wasn't, I am truly sorry, Mom. 

Now, you know these examples of asking for forgiveness. I don't want to use a website when I'm in a marriage session. Now I certainly would recommend this if a person had become diseased, or maybe it was something from the past. But these are the same type of things that I am looking for as a therapist when I'm in a session with my couples. That they can actually speak this honestly. And you know, it's interesting when I read this, I had a little personal experience. The Lord prompted me to do something that required, I didn't, didn't feel I needed to talk to the person or the organization personally, but I knew I had to do it. It was a pad, and about six months ago, and I had been at a store where I had purchased some items for my pets. And I came out with the belongings that I had taken in in the cart was one of the it was a vitamin that I give to my older dog, and I never had paid for it. And I was in such a hurry. I did not have time to go back in. And you know what I did? I stuck it in the car. That was stealing. I thought about it the rest of their day and then for some reason that left my mind.

When I read this. I knew the Lord Jesus wanted me to deal with it. And actually within the last couple months, I took a white envelope and I put the amount That vitamin cost in cash. And I took it to the same store and I left it on the counter by the cash register. And I just went, this is something to pay for a product that I inadvertently had taken home. And I want to make sure that I repaid the store for that product. I felt completely absolved. Now that is something definitely more tangible. But is marriage, often the very same thing that we need to do something tangible? I'm going to keep helping to look at that as well. Because actually marriage look at this older couple is that not just precious? 

A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers. And that is Ruth Graham Bell. She was a dear dear wife of Billy Graham. And you know, when people are good forgivers, I believe they can live longer. And you know, Billy Graham is in his late 90s. Now his dear wife has gone on to be with the Lord. I wonder if it's because he truly was a very good forgiver because this is a quote from his wife. I have learned that the best way to live is to decide in advance to be a person who forgive this becomes a must. Because not forgiving destroys you and forgiveness sets you free. Now, please know forgiveness is not condoning, which is to simply overlook the wrong as if no harm was intended or done. It would be highly inappropriate to condone a spouse's sinful behavior to condone wrongs are given lower self esteem and undermines integrity. For example, if there are issues, we've talked about abuse issues, and it could be a verbal abuse. That does not mean it has to be tolerated. 

I was working with a couple and the wife came in and she was just very despondent about an incident that had happened. The husband had been working out in the garage, and he yelled into the house, and he was asking for something that he could not find. And evidently, the week before, she had done some cleaning in the garage and had put some items, items away, she came out. And that's what she could do to help and had to look for a couple of minutes for the item that he needed. And then he looked at her and he said, I am so upset right now I'd like to smash your face in. Now, she did not have to condone the words that were said. But she still needed to be able to forgive. She came to the session alone, because she wanted to know how to appropriate forgiveness over something that was wrong. And she did not have to condone what the husband had said. I asked her if she would do a little experiment. And when he came to join us in the session the following week, if she would look at him and say, husband of my heart. I know what your true intent is. And it is not to smash my face in. That is something that you would not do. 

I know your true intent. And I do forgive you. I said, would that be possible? And she said it would be. So the next session when the husband came in, she told him that she needed something to be said, because she wanted to be able to go to forgiveness. And when she brought it up, he was a little surprised. Because I don't even know if he remembered it. I think it came out just so randomly and impulsively. But she said I know your true heart. He first said to her, well, I wouldn't have actually done it. Now that's natural biology. And she said, I know your true heart, it would be not to do it. But your true heart does not say it as well. And he said, you're right, that is my true heart. 

Now because she did not become defensive. She did not use anger, she did not withdraw. She did that power. She actually entered in and talked to her husband about his true heart and there was forgiveness. Forgiveness is not giving in to your spouse who committed a harmful act, just like what I just explained, is that the wrong did not hurt you to just give in and say this is true forgiveness would be a mess. I forgiving both ways for genuine repentance and an apology. But what if repentance and apology are not forthcoming? You know, truly, that can be the case. And sometimes I like to tell my dear folks, God is still working. There was a situation with again, a couple I was working with and forgiveness was definitely needed. I would have wanted it much sooner than later. But what happened was, the man ended up who needed to be talking about asking to be forgiven. He ended up going to a mentor and a man in his church that was providing some counsel for him. 

And actually through a discussion that needed to take place. This man learned more about what had happened and how he had hurt his wife and in waiting and not being able to say that he was sorry. He certainly had and apologize, it allowed for more discussion with one of his mentors. And actually he grew in his stature, and then how he saw his wife, because he was able to have that further discussion. How about when you think about forgiveness, it is very much accepting an apology. And in doing this and accepting the apology, it means you will learn and that is absolutely how we are going to grow. We must forgive whether or not your offender asks for our forgiveness. The question is, if someone has offended me, shouldn't I wait until he or she asked my forgiveness before I forgive him or her? You know, this may not happen again. There could be some time that needs to transpire or maybe God will be working because often the spouse also could view an offense differently. The testimony of Jesus on the cross what answered this question. While on the cross Jesus prayed, Father, forgive them for they don't know what they're doing. We are to forgive because we have been forgiven. It's a matter of stewardship. It is about our attitude, not their actions. 

There was a time when I was working in a marital situation, it was not going well. There was a number of sessions, that they both the couple were seeing things very differently. And that was part of the reason that forgiveness was not coming, and they would just dig their heels in. And they would talk about this particular issue, and it wasn't having any movement whatsoever. At least what that couple was willing to do is give me a commitment to continue to pray about how they were seeing this issue. And they really prayed fervently the next session, they came back and the husband said to me that he had a dream. And in the dream, the Lord showed him this beautiful nature path. And as he walked down the path, he came to the glen. And at the opening of the glen, there was this pond and he heard this crying. This was in his dream. And as we get closer to the pond, he saw a little girl, and she was weeping. And she was just letting her tears fall into the pond and just weeping. And as you get a little bit closer to recognize a little girl, it was his wife. He had seen pictures of her when she was a little girl. And that dream moved him so much. As he got closer, the Lord asked him extend your arms. And he opened up his arms. And in his dream, the little girl wipes her tears and she ran into his arms. He knew that this hurt, and where he had taken offense, was more selfish at that point. And she had been heard of a very, very deep level. And then next session was life changing. 

He not only did with a dream had brought to him, he also did it in our session. And when he took his wife in his arms, it was amazing. She had tears during that session he had tears in there was relief and there was forgiveness. If you feel you can't forgive, ask God to penetrate your unforgiveness with his love. That's what that couple had did. They had committed to pray because they weren't able to have movements. There are certain things that cannot be accomplished by humans strength but only by the power of God. The Holy Spirit will enable us to forgive even they earn forgivable. And that comes from the book from Stormie Omartian praying for the deeper issues of marriage, forgiveness as are trying to God the right to take care of justice. by refusing to transfer the right to exact punishment or revenge. We are telling God, we don't trust him to take care of matters. And God wants to be the one to take care of matters he does so much better. We don't have to have the justice. keep on praying and God will make this known. If this doesn't happen. It is like being in a circular fortress. Look at that picture. That circular fortress is a 10 foot wall of solid bricks. It encloses a person who does not have forgiveness in impenetrable fortress. The one thick door is bolted and there are no other doors. 

This is what unforgiveness looks like in a marriage, that that person is caught and they have no way to get out. But you know what prayer does? You know what forgiveness does, is like the person in that fortress of a sudden reaches into their pocket and they feel something and what's in their pocket is a key. And that key that they find in their pocket is the key that unlocks the door. It's the one thick door that is bolted and there's no other doors and everyone they find that key. They are able to start to move forward and come out and go into forgiveness. Forgiveness is one way to break the cycle of blaming your marital relationship. Forgiveness counteracts the power struggle that often occurs even if a relationship is relatively healthy. As forgiveness breaks the cycle of blame. It provides a fresh start for the relationship as well. How about that couple Don't they look stuck. The wall represents almost like that fortress. And they aren't getting a fresh start. When that experience happened in my office, and that man had seen the dream and saw his wife as a little girl, and they started to held each other. That was gone. That was gone, and I no longer existed. And it was healing that took place. 

This is a role that we will have as therapists, counselors, and as pastors, we're helping our folks get past these walls, and find unconditional love, and healing and forgiveness as Christ would want them to feel. Forgiveness is a choice, it's a decision of the will, please don't just wait for the feeling to be there. Because sometimes the feeling will lead us astray. This is by the power of the Holy Spirit. Forgiveness really has very little to do with our feelings. Feelings can be a peak or a plundge, within a five minute interval, it can change that quickly. When we make a choice to forgive, we still may feel angry or resentful. Let the Holy Spirit take care of that forgiveness will help with those emotions. And eventually they will not be near as far as some of the ones that have been created to carve the need for forgiveness go very deep. And only the presence of the Holy Spirit will allow that ruling to forgive. I remember there were some books that I enjoyed reading years ago, it was when the beginning of even when I was doing my graduate training, they were by Frank Peretti. One was called piercing the darkness. And it was it was an analogy of what happened. And it could be our present interpersonal relationships, I'm going to just use the analogy of marriages. But he did a fiction approach. But I think there's much truth to this, he would show like a couple in his book having an argument. And then he would show demonic presence just like on their shoulder, and just hoping that they will not make a decision and continue. Remember, they did this. Remember they said this, remember they're not going to change. And he certainly made the impression and Dave pictures and did were descriptions of how much signal want to come against us. And I'm going to talk about that in a little bit as well. 

So a decision of the world as a decision of what the Bible says that it is absolutely essential to forgive, it is easier to begin working towards forgiveness before the sting has began to swell. I know sometimes it does take a while. But both that give it more time, there's going to be more of a sting. And when bitterness stepped in, it slowly starts it will be like a permanent plaster cast, perhaps protecting the wearer from the further pain for ultimately holding the subs suffer rigid and frozen animation, feelings and responses have turned to concrete. Bitterness is paralysis. So even if the person thinks that this is protecting them, that they're not going to think about it, they're not going to forgive, they're not going to apologize. Bitterness will keep them paralyzed. And it will create further problems in our relationship if they don't deal with us. Forgive and forget as a myth, you may never forget, but you can still choose to forgive. In fact, sometimes remembering can protect us. And remembering something that has been an offence to us or an offense that we've done to someone else helps us not do it again, we'll be in the same situation. And our mind will go oh, I remember this and then we'll do it differently. But if we've continued to remember and then choose not to forgive, that's not what it's intended for. It's more to protect, to help us not to do what again, it's normal for memories to be triggered in the future.

When thoughts of past hurts occur. It's what we do with them that counts. As life goes on. And you remember, then this is a time to once again, remember that you've already forgiven, or I'm not going to do that again. Mentally forgive again, if necessary, and then move forward. Thank God for this reminder of how important forgiveness is. When we allow it time to dwell the vividness of the memory of the hurt, and the memory will fade. Isn't that amazing? We do not have to be stuck in that frozen animation. Now, how about this one? Let's be clear. Forgiveness is not a case of holy amnesia. That erases the past you may recall the hurt, but you will not relive it. No concert reviewing. No rehashing of the old hurts. no going back to sit on the old gravestones, where past grievances lie buried. True the hornet of the memory may fly again. But forgiveness has drawn it's sting, the curse is gone. If I hear someone in the session, going to the recall, I just want you to know she's going to do it again. I've heard this before it's not going to change. And this is going to happen. 

I can predict it right now. I will just stop that person. And I'll say let's talk about this moment right now. What has been committed to in this mode But if I'm calling my couples to want to change, I'm asking them to be in that moment and not go back to the recall. Now, sometimes with circular thinkers to get around their circle, and I'll explain this, there are times that they may take a couple steps backward and do something, again, similar to what the offense had done before. But as they get around their circle, it's amazing. Because when they get around, and they come to the top of the circle, it is a place where they are no longer at risk, to do that hurtful issue anymore. Now, if they're married to a spouse, so that as a black and white thinker, the spouse will have a tendency to say, I told you, they're it goes again, they're doing it again, I'm not going to forgive, because it's just going to happen again. A black and white thinker doesn't have much room for anybody that's circular. So this is a communication style and a way of interaction, and just helping couples understand that helps to know that we don't have to have even a case of holy amnesia. But we also don't have to recall the hurt either. Only if you have no need for forgiveness yourself, do you dare consider hesitating to forgive another, if you forgive other people, their failures, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you will not forgive, neither will your heavenly Father forgive you your failures. I had one man, that was a new Christian. And I actually talked about this verse because he was having trouble forgiving some people in his life. His wife was one but there were others. And he said to me, I don't even know if I agree with that. When I read this scripture, because it's pretty, it's pretty clear that scripture is saying that we have to forgive and then our Heavenly Father will also forgive us. I just asked him to go home and study the Word a bit more. I think initially, his first reaction was defensive posture, he went home and the Holy Spirit started to work with him, that this is really scriptural mandate very much. We can feel powerful when the offender is in need of forgiveness, and only we can give it we may fear going back to being powerless if we forgive. And some folks do tell me that I don't want to forgive because it protects me. If I don't forgive, I'm not going to get hurt again, because my unforgiveness keeps me protected. I can still feel the anger, I still am withdrawn. And I understand that they would see that as a way to protect themselves, but ultimately, it is going to lead to further conflict. 

It could lead to despondency and it could lead to bitterness. And if it leads to contempt, the marriage is going to be in trouble. Forgiveness isn't an option and godly marriage is a must. That's why I did the capitalization. Forgiveness puts the pieces back in places where they've been broken apart or blown up to pieces. It is the very cement that glues the heart back together. Forgiveness exercises God's strength to love and receive the other person without any assurance of complete restitution and making amends forgiveness in a relationship between equal who recognize their deep need of each other, share and share alike.

Each needs the others forgiveness, each needs the others acceptance. So before God, each dropped all charges refuses all self justification and forgive 70 times seven, the good Lord says and you know something, when it happened and there is no assurance, that is an example. Even a therapist, I would be thinking I wanted to happen right now. But I have trusted the Lord over the years that have been doesn't happen right then that God's still working and more education and more understanding for that person will come that will even make the forgiveness deeper. Thank you. That was class two.