Transcript: Forgiveness Session 3

Video Transcript: Forgiveness Session 3

Now, many of you that are watching this are male pastor, you can offer some of that what I have done is within my organization, compassionate Christian counseling, there is one of my male therapists that is incredible for helping men understand how to model forgiveness, how to treat their wife. And if we have a release sign, we'll do a little bit of point co joint therapy. One of the things that my men have told me the men that I'm working with in counseling about this male therapist is how much he loves his wife. He has helped them see that there are definitely times that forgiveness is helping her to feel that she has been taken care of this particular male therapist loves to go hunting. And he has told some of my male clients, you need to remember you pursue her just like you're pursuing that huge buck that is in the woods during hunting season. Or maybe there are deer heads. And he'd say, every time you're working on that car to make it be everything that you want that car to be. Remember, your wife needs fine tuning as well. 

I remember knowing that this would be an excellent referral source for me. There had been the month and the time of hunting to take place and this male therapist was hunting a lot. And he wanted to make sure that his wife would know that he very much had a special place for her. And after the honeymoon had taken, that had was done. It was all over. He came to our office staff and asked them if they could book a room for him and his wife. He certainly didn't want her to have any resentment or any ill feelings for all the time that he had spent on team and he didn't want to be on his card because she had access to that on their online statements. So he had our office staff use our business card to reserve the room and he paid us back in cash. And it was an incredible surprise. Now, a person may not have parental modeling. But we in that role of counselor a therapist can start to give the model and they will need for their relationship. And that would be modeling for forgiveness as well. Excessive pride sometimes creates a feeling of superiority that others are below us are not worthy of our forgiveness. 

How about our unrealistic expectations? Christians have a difficult time forgiving unless, they surrender to high expectations that others should be perfect. To forgive another person is an unfamiliar frightening experience. And thus fear is a major barrier. Forgiveness often requires a supernatural action across Christ. This does not happen often without prayer. And again, if you get in the place where that couple cannot get to forgiveness, I even ask them to fast for a day so they can get to a point and hear what the Lord would be asking them to do. Now Mary just had a formidable adversary, First Peter 5:8, be of sober Spirit be on the alert. your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 

The devil understands the power of forgiveness, he had the opportunity to behold the glory of God and the kingdom of heaven. He has been doomed to hell and is mad and desires us to share his fate. Satan is employed to steal, kill and destroy. unforgiveness opens the door for Satan to hold us back and devour us. I was thinking about how Satan will use things of this world that are very dark. One of my couples were going into a spiral the husband had an addiction to pornography. And he had done really quite well for a number of weeks. And the wife was getting to the point of regaining some trust and feeling more confident he was doing a lot of the right things. He was having accountability. He was in the group. He was coming to counseling.

But then they had an argument and it was quite a hefty argument. She went out to the store and when she came back, she quietly walked in the computer room. It was right off in their kitchen area. And she looked in everything was dark. And it almost had an ominous presence. And she tiptoed in to the computer room. And there he was on porn. And she said, when he looked at her, it was like, his eyes were just dead. They had no life, and she could feel so much oppression. And she said, what are you doing? And he looked at her, and he said, I'm doing porn. Why? Why is this happening again. And he said, because they don't talk back to me. She was devastated. And part of that was a connection to the night before, when the argument and they're done some pretty much some heavy fighting words that were exchanged between the two of them. She ran out of the room, sobbing, and it was within a couple of days, there was no more talk between them, it went into that complete, shutdown, no talking, she'd come into therapy, and asked if she could speak with me just briefly alone. And I asked her if she would begin the process. Not that we wouldn't process what has happened. But the process of taking authority as her husband's wife and putting covering upon these issues. 

She knew that she would not be able to go into forgiveness, unless she felt like she has something a bit more tangible. So she committed to do what she was going to go home that day and anoint the computer, anoit the computer room, anoit that chair that he sat on, anoint anything that represented her husband connected to those issues. Now she didn't tell him that part that was going to be between her and the Lord. But when the husband and joined us in the session, she said, I am going to choose to make sure that I am coming against the darkness. And she's played her husband how dark that room felt that day, how that presence was there, and he listened. He was willing then to go into prayer. And there was covering that took place in that moment of prayer. And even with our sessions that took place in the coming days, her ability to provide that protection, he became more and more in sobriety with pornography. It was amazing. But there was definitely spiritual warfare going on. Paul speaks about spiritual warfare and enlist the word stronghold to define the spiritual fortresses. When Satan and his legions hide and are protected. These fortresses exists in the thought patterns and ideas that govern individuals and marriages. Paul defined the stronghold as speculation, a lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God. A demonic stronghold is any type of thinking that exalts itself above the knowledge of God, thereby giving the devil a secure place of influence and an individual's thought life, I want you to know that definitely correlates with some of the biochemical issues in the brain.

Many times and we have been hurt. And there are these trauma memories, there are these memories of unforgiveness. There's a place in our brain called the limbic system. And it stores the fear in flight responses. And it actually can ignite the amygdala, which will have us do things that is very impulsively just to bring us protection. I mean, hurtful words would come out, bombastic and sentences to hurt our spouse. Satan loves that. I think that could be how a lossy area of our thoughts could be held. And that is not in surrender to God, when a person continues to pray, and they bring the ability of their mind towards their spouse, and let's talk about a forgiveness issue. And they're asking Jesus help me to know how to come to forgiveness, they start thinking with executive functioning, the brain will then take these thoughts and bring it up here in the prefrontal cortex. And in doing so, the Holy Spirit can give us concrete ideas of how to bring forgiveness and how to have restoration. So please give your mind to the Lord Jesus and do not let Satan have a stronghold and a fortress in your mind where the wounds are at. 

Allow for Jesus to come and with calmness and with thoughts. And with surrender. Jesus will help us to know what to do. When someone is hurt emotionally, there can be an emotional response of anger, fear and guilt. There's nothing wrong with these feelings in themselves, just as physical pain will tell us that something needs to be done, or what that we're heard. But when the hurt is on here, the man forgiven, the emotions can enter into hatred, resentment and unforgiveness that would go on that limbic system. And the words would be, I can't stand my spouse. I can't believe I ever married that. That's where that would go. And this becomes a matter of the human spirit. Whether justified or not, these emotions then can become sins and they open doors or give ground to evil spirits, the evil spirits like parasites attach themselves in the vortex of the memory that contains these sins. Because the mind would hold these memories there's not holding moral or moral values. It's just saying this hurt, and you're going to hang on to it. Because I don't want to let go of this. 

The same gift ground that way, only my word. He's hoping that we'll hold on to it and never forgive our spouse. So when we start to think and raise Jesus, how would you have me to look at this, Jesus helps us to come to the highest level of our brain power. And we go to that higher level. It is feeling the power of the Holy Spirit is not there, through the pain, and through unforgiveness, it is amazing. And we'll be operating at full potential within our brains and executive functioning to look at this situation and not through the pain. Look at there. This is a person they are standing in authority to resist in the fate and stand steadfast, I love this, be sober and diligence and know that there is going to be power here. vigilance is don't give up. When that woman did the anointing on behalf of her husband, and then then anointing she did the computer room she did the the chair. She did the speaker's, she was being vigilent and it was amazing. Satan will use every opportunity to bring old wounds to mind as well as the people events and circumstances that caused them. Satan would like to ensure that your heart remains hardened with anger and bitterness. That's why be vigilant. Let the Lord Jesus be stronger, and Satan will not be able to get a stronghold. Satan is selfish and prideful. When we are unforgiving, we act like him. unforgiveness is laced with pride which caused the devil the kingdom of heaven. Don't let it cost your marriage. Loosen Satan's grip and forgive. He would like to redefine how you think about God to about yourself about others, even about those people who truly love you and intended only good for you. He wants you fixated and pattern in your thinking. So that few things we're seeing more dear or desirable to you than paying them back or getting your revenge. 

He wants you sobbing or better yet, just seething, the kind of emotion that does not come out and cry and visible reaction, but instead just clicks inside of you. Where the heart have no place to escape, or the tears pull up in stale mate and create a petri dish of toxic emotions that you're forced to keep breathing. He wants you baking in unforgiveness until your spiritual life is hard and crisp around the edge of lifeless, comatose. Unforgiveness puts us in prime position for demonic influence and activity to take advantage of. Priscilla Shire, and if some of you remember, she's an amazing woman that wrote a book for her prayer life is beyond what I have sometimes even been able to return. And this was a quote. I know sometimes when I have felt that Satan is trying to rob my couples from being able to forgive, I have a parish in my office, and that shawl was created by some wonderful godly prayer warriors, these women, they create these prayer shawl, and when they pray, it's amazing. And I will ask my couples, sometimes I'll just have them sit on the couch and I'll wrap the prayer shawl around them. Sometimes I will have one of the spouse sit in the chair and I have their other spouse wrap the prayer shawl all around and start to circle and just start to methodically and rhetorically say I forgive you. I forgive you. There's something about the movement, and just the cadence of the words. Sometimes they're not really wanting to have a big discussion about it at this point. And this is where the first movement will come. It calms down the brain, especially if it's been seeving.

There's this anger that's there and brings that calm, and I have them do the cadence of the movement and then the cadence of the words. But the prayer shawl around, start to walk around, think about Jericho, Joshua walked around seven times. How about walking around your spouse, maybe seven, it might be 10 it might be 12 walk around, I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you. As they keep on hearing those words that only doesn't resonate inside of them. The spouse hear those words to it is the majesty of the Lord Jesus coming into those rooms. There we go. Now this wasn't a picture of the prayer shawl but look at that. That's what starts to happen. Watch couples start to feel that power of forgiveness and restoration coming into their relationship. Jesus want you free? Genuine freedom and renewed fervor are waiting for you on the other side of forgiveness and the forgiveness you don't have any desire to give right now can be amazingly unable to prepare, get ready, but pieces of information from the Holy Spirit and prayer and scripture as they come together and agreement and there will be the power for forgiveness, statements and baking and keeping these solutions hidden from you. And convincing you that anger and bitterness are the most productive protective ways. It is not true. Because really an honest prayer conducted with an open heart and an open copy of God's word, you will be sure to present and have the truth given Ephesians four, let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with malice. Be kind to one another tender hearted forgiving each other just as God in Christ has forgiven you. Strive for peace with everyone for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God that no root of bitterness brings up and causes trouble and by it many became defiled. Matthew 11:25 whenever you stand praying, forgive if you have anything against anyone so that your father who was in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions. Matthew 5:44-45, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. And then how about a blueprint for steps asking for forgiveness? 

The first one, because this is going to be actual ways that are tangible. I mean the prayer shawl and doing the cadence of the words of I forgive you. Here's a little bit more deeper ways about forgiveness. The first one is regret. This is the first step and often a person will say, I wish I had not committed that wrong. But there's an absence of wanting to change the behavior. It's just words at that point, regret is most often a negative emotion where one having done a wrong deed, or been involved in a wrong act drowns itself in negative contemplation. The person continuously thinks about the mistake over and over again, which eventually creates feelings of anger, hatred and depression. I'll give you an example was a man and wife and the wife had very strong evidence, there was true evidence that her husband had been having an email and a texting relationship with another woman. There also was a strong possibility that he had met with the other woman, when she found out and she brought that information. The first thing he said to her, I am sorry for hurting you. But it wasn't about you. This was more about the pain inside of me. Now, that's regrets. 

He actually was saying he was sorry. But it wasn't about how it affected her. It was because there was pain inside of him. And what happened initially, as we started doing the work, hoping to get to forgiveness, he started to get angry, and that he had a right to do this, because of that pain that was inside of him. And it went down a road where regret became resentment. And actually, he didn't need to have regret. And it needed to go even further so his wife could get to forgiveness. But if it's just regret, the very last sentence, the person often repeated again, because they're not learning from their mistakes. Let's go the next one. How about repentance for forgiveness, this is handled in a positive way. Here the person after having behave wrongly, realize that they have done a mistake. With that realization, the person seeks forgiveness for the mistakes and event and takes a stand for their mistakes and will not happen again. The person tries to understand their wrongdoing and finds the way in which the situation could have been handled in a better way, and starts working to incorporate the knowledge in their life.

Now, what's interesting about that, let's take the first scenario. After a few sessions working with a regret this man who was a man of God, he came to the point that he gave the wife the passwords. For his email, she had the path codes for the cell phone. Now that is going further into repentance, realizing the mistakes and showing ways to their spouse that this will not happen again. Then repentance continuous repentance is godly sorrow with a feeling of sadness and having offended God and your spouse. Repentance is often defined as a change of mind and change of ways that change your behavioral direction. Or finally turning one back are sinful deeds and with God's help attempting not to sin again. In fact, this man was willing to even change his email. And he got rid of the email that he had used with this other woman that was definitely showing a difference in his direction and what he was going to do for the sake of his marriage and for wanting forgiveness. Repentance involves three elements, recognition of wrongful behaviors, he finally did. Sorrow, he was able to say, I know how it hurts you, my dear wife not just that he was in pain, and abandonment of wrongful behaviors, all of the steps that he started to show that showed that he was changing originating in the heart, repentance initiates the first step in the process of apologizing and forgiving. 

Step three, apologizing, apologizing follows repentance (step two) and is a verbal or written acknowledgement of the hurt or send to your spouse. There are two sides of apologizing and one side is an expression of wrongful behaviors, while the other is a willingness to do whatever it takes to orientate one's Christian life, and be a godly spouse. Apologizing comes when you as a spouse or a sin, know that you will need to demonstrate sincere repentance, and then help your mate bear the burden of her that they may have been carrying. Consider writing a letter to your spouse beginning with a sincere apology. Notice how in the end, one of the last two we talked about that websites where people actually because they couldn't talk to the person? Well, this is an opportunity to write something that maybe you would put have put on a website because it represented someone in your past. This is your spouse, you can be face to face with them. And if it is too hard to do that that's where our role comes in, pastors counselors, we can be there to give them that courage and that ability to have someone to monitor or to moderate if we need to. And then often, the ability to ask forgiveness can take place. 

And this will help so that the intent to communicate will be there and effectively with your spouse. An apology must never be underhanded in a way of avoiding sincere repentance and unhealthy apology may also be manipulative to justify action or maybe a shifting of blame to the spouse. That's a sincere apology we'll never have the word but after the words are I am sorry for that but would not be after that I'm sorry for with a but apologizing requires a great deal of character strength, courage, honesty and humility. Complete apology will include a seeking of forgiveness to heal the relationship with a request like will you please forgive me? That is honest, and there's no but with that. 

Step Four with forgiveness forgiveness can be defined as canceling a debt setting free understanding releasing negative emotions, letting go seething resentment and abandoning one's claim against a person who has done wrong to forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do. And in my first class, remember I talked about my father, he was exactly a man who did this, he would let his loved ones go for debt was forgiven, it was canceled, it was gone. And all of us have walked, his family, his legacy has been that we all walk with so much more knowledge of that aspect of forgiveness because of my father, my earthly father, my Heavenly Father is that a wonderful example to. Forgiveness with more likely if a person possesses a forgiving Spirit says forgiveness as an act of charity forgivers are often described as generous, emotionally stable, flexible, adaptable, and others centered as the forgiver you view others as worthwhile, as loved by the Lord Jesus, and all of those described by earthly father as well, because he has such a handle on forgiving

Forgiveness as an act of kindness for the sake of the Lord Jesus Christ. God gives you the gift of forgiveness. No one deserves God's forgiveness. Likewise, given the gift of forgiveness to your spouse, who is just like you and doesn't deserve your gift of forgiveness. It is important not only for your marital relationship, but also for your inheritance and interpersonal well being. To forgive is vital for interpersonal health because you release the inner resentment and bitterness that can destroy you. If there's not forgiveness, there's going to be a resentment. And that is definitely a destroyer of marriage. When you forgive your spouse, oh mighty God heals you spiritually, emotionally and physically. I have watched folks with chronic issues, it could be chronic back pain, it could be chronic migraines, it could be some type of other physical ache and remain really truly take a hold of forgiveness, their bodies start to change, and there is health that comes. Forgiveness works a special kind of restoration, diminishing negative thinking and altering your attitude in the positive direction. Forgiveness allows you to fill your mind with positive thoughts and develop a good attitude. You rid yourself of a negative spirit when you forgive your spouse, freeing yourself to demonstrate Christ like words and actions and caring for your spouse in the future. 

Oh my goodness. Just think of the freedom that comes from that. Now, the last step reconciliation now that takes two forgiveness only takes one. Generally forgiveness is necessary but reconciliation is optional. Because sometimes if we are bringing forgiveness, that doesn't mean the other person is going to respond. For example, an abused spouse may offer forgiveness to their repentant partner but may not reconcile until confidence and destructive behavior will not happen again. There is the difference between forgiveness and trust, because I want you to know that with issues regarding a spouse, keyword there was abusive. There was a marriage I was working with. And the spouse was always saying that he was sorry. And yet he could have a pretty fowl mouth and say three hurtful things to his wife, he would say hurtful things to the step children, their two biological children and two stepchildren. And she would let him know that she didn't want to be an unforgiveness and have resentment. But it still continued to happen. And eventually, she ended up moving out, he was just devastated. But she had to see that there was going to be changes. There need to be counseling for this man and the stepchildren, there needed to be the ability for different language. Actually, it was interesting, because this particular fella in our session, could let some pretty strong swear words fly, wasn't God's name in vain, but they definitely were swear words and remember one time initially when they were taking place, I stopped him and I said, Is that necessary to use those words to describe the situation?

I know that you're frustrated, however, I would feel more respect. And knowing that these words gonna have to be said, he just looked at me. And he went, I always talk like that. And I said, well, that's part of what your wife has said, as well. And I very much know that we could work on that, would you allow me to help with this? And he said, yeah, so I came up with a nonverbal cue. And when I would just go like this with my hand, it would just be like a little wave. That meant one of those words came out, and then we would work on him reframing and saying it differently. And evidently, it definitely had power because the wife started to talk with him more. And they started to be able to communicate and got brought back into session, the wife came back in even though they were separated, and it ended up having a good ending, and reconciliation. But initially, she wasn't willing, until she saw that there were truly some changes. reconciliation is often conditioned on the attitude and actions of the offender when its aim is restoration of a broken relationship. Those who commit significant and repeated offenses must be willing to recognize that reconciliation is a process if they are genuinely repentant. They will recognize and accept that the harm that they have caused take time to heal. Even when God forgives our sins, He does not promise to remove all consequences created by our actions. When someone has been significantly hurt and feels hesitant about restoration with the offender is both right and wise to look for changes in the offender before allowing reconciliation to begin and that's exactly what that wife did. And she started to see different vocabulary. She saw different ways that he was responding to this stepchildren, it was much more tangible.

Seven signs of genuine repentance acceptable responsibility for actions instead of saying, If I had done anything to offend you, that's not as genuine welcome accountability from others. Do not continue on hurtful behavior, anything associated with it, and does not have a defensive attitude about being in the wrong. Does not dismiss or downplay the hurtful behavior will acknowledge it. That's why that man who said I will change my webmail, I'll change my email, I'll give you passwords. And that was when he was having the contact with another woman through those mechanisms of social media. Doesn't that resent doubt about their sincerity of the need to demonstrate sincerity, especially in cases involving repeated offenses, makes restitution when necessary? Now, these are some personal prayers. I certainly want to give you some ideas for something that can be tangible. And you can put your spouse's name in here and it gives you something that you could say, and be very specific. I'll ask for this. Sometimes again, as my couples have completed the first cadence, which is I forgive you, I could encourage you this vendor God, I've been hurt by God, I know you have forgiven. So now I forgive and that would be your spouse's name. I pray for you to mightily bless myself and make my spouse prosper. How powerful you know, when I think about the power of forgiveness, there is always time that I remember and I'm going to close with this and then let you know that this is another prayer that you could use as wellness prayer goes into a bit more detail. But it was a man and a wife, and the wife had found out that the man had been having an emotional affair. And again, it was through email, and she was extremely downtrodden. In fact, she had such a struggle with forgiveness, because she had felt violated, he had lied to her about where he was at times. He said he had met her to nothing sexual what happened, but it definitely was emotional, because she could not forgive her husband. She ended up creating the same scenario. 

She got into a Facebook relationship, she did some emailing, she did some texting. And she rationalized it by telling herself, she had every right to do that, because her husband had done that. Without forgiveness, we can be at risk to do all kinds of things. And two wrongs are not going to make a right, she ended up going much further, she ends up having a sexual relationship with this other man, and betraying that oneness in the vow to her marriage. She ended up because we had a very strong therapeutic relationship. And I was so honored that she could eventually Tell me the truth. And of course, because truth sets us free, I will help folks get to the point that they can tell their spouse. And we meaning her and I were extremely nervous about how the husband was going to handle this when she knew it was time to tell. And what he did is he broke down. He knew that part of what put her at risk was that his emotional affair had created the risk for her to no longer feel his protection and the oneness from her husband. It did not give her an excuse, but it was part of the journey. And then he said that he wanted to walk with her, and make sure that he could do everything that she needed to bring her heart back to him. She ended up giving him the number was wanting to be very accountable the number of a man that she'd had the affair with the phone number. And she had a few things that the other affair, that man's house, the husband, and I remember in session thinking I'm going to just hold my breath here, I need to pray about this because he wanted to call the other man and go over and pick up her things and give the other man the key back. Now, normally, I would not recommend this, because most husbands, this is a betrayal. And this is their precious wife might even get into a fight. But he said to her if I am going to be able to offer the covering that you deserve. I not only have to forgive you, my wife, I need to forgive him and he actually called him they set up a time to me, he went over to the house, gave him the key back, picked up her things. And they both cried. The other man who actually had walked away from Christ, but knew the Lord Jesus ended up apologizing and saying how sad he was that he had hurt, and almost destroyed this marriage, the part that he played. 

Because the wife had the trust in her husband to do that he was really quite a gentleman. It was amazing watching forgiveness and restoration in their life. Talk about bringing that full circle. That was amazing. Because now she could come full circle to forgive her husband from the emotional affair. He came full circle and forgave his wife and forgave the man that she had been involved with. How about reading this prayer. And then I forgive them. Lord, I release them. This husband had to do that with his wife and with the man that she was involved at and the wife had to do the same. We said this prayer out loud in session. Lord, take the keys. And he literally brought the kingdom back to that man that his wife had to the prison of unforgiveness I built for myself, release me from trying to make up for these issues and from the prison of trying to be worthy You alone are my worth. I give you my feelings of unworthiness helped me to forgive myself. Because their husband had to do that. He felt very responsible because he felt with his emotional affair. He started that ball rolling. I give you the right to hold me accountable for my actions or lack thereof. You know what to require of me and of others and when to give mercy. I don't want those. I often want those who hurt me to hurt like I do. And you know something, he rose above that right away most of us do. His wife did. She want him to hurt. That's why she got into that affair. He took the higher road and went and gave forgiveness. I want them to know the enormity of what they have done to me and I want them to be sorry. But that is vengeance and that is your territory. And the dear wife eventually understood that to forgive me to her trying to take your place forgive me for your desire or vengeance. Thank you for listening to my expression of pain, my heard of my sin. Thank you so much that you provided forgiveness for my healing. Lord now wash my mind and spirit and emotions. And we say amen and amen. Wash away, resentment and anger enclose me in your righteousness. I know my emotions were here in time and time obey would forgive emotionally as well. I'll be able to feel the emotion of being forgiven and extending forgiveness. That was the praise of this couple when that man forgave the wife and her man that she had the affair with. Until Lord, keep mending my wounded spirit and bruised emotional, thank you for taking care of the legal aspects of forgiveness and restoring relationship with others, You and the Father, Amen. Good luck in using these prayers. And this class for the process of forgiveness and healing with a couples that you're working with. Thank you