Transcript: Anger Management Part 1

Video Transcript: Anger Management Part 01

Welcome to the class on anger and this is presentation one. And this is certainly a very important concept because in marriage, where there can be the ability to have marriage for life, Ever After or until death do you part anger can often do derail. in marriage, anger rivals lust as a killer, they can destroy any kind of camaraderie or friendship within the relationship. On the wedding day, there was such a sense of happiness and completeness, that any emotion connected to anger has a distant thought. However, every one of us will get angry with our spouse at some point in our marriage, it will not be possible to live together day in and day out, without finding things she would disagree about, things that make you really angry with each other about this. Now, that looks like tension, and certainly not a couple that at this moment is feeling the completeness and happiness within their marriage. In fact, the people to whom we give the most time and energy and whom we invest the greatest amount of love and other emotions are the ones we have the highest expectations of, and are the ones with the greatest potential to trigger painful emotions such as fear, hurt, frustration, and eventually anger. Anger is not necessarily a sign of relational immaturity or instability. In fact, anger is an inherent component of all human relationships, the more dependent on someone and vulnerable you feel, the more likely there'll be the adjunct of your anger as well as your affection. 

Sometimes I want folks to think about a visual picture, and I draw three circles, a large circle, the next circle inside in the very inner circle, and the inner circle is our transparent self. If we go to the next circle outside, it is more our friendships, some of our relatives, and of course, the distant circle is more acquaintances. As we get to the inner circle, and go to transparent self, it is often our spouse in that inner circle, or I would like it to be the spouse. And with that relationship, there is great capacity for love, but also great capacity for frustration. Because emotions are expressed in that deep, transparent self, and the same emotions are not expressed with just acquaintances or some friendships. Research tells us that happily married couples disagree and argue almost as much as our happily married couples. The difference is whether they express their anger in healthy or unhealthy ways. The Healthy expression of anger can help us clarify, understand and appreciate our differences. When we deny our anger and do not work through anger, we are running from the very process that God can use to heal our hurts and knit our hearts more tightly together in love. 

And how about that that's a little different picture than the previous one, a couple who is being knit tightly together in love. Now, that doesn't mean that they wouldn't have arguments or have anger, but they also can feel the closeness of their love. Also, is there a difference between our anger and God's anger? Most definitely. Our anger expresses three things. It identifies something in our world that matters to us. It proclaims that we believe that something is wrong. It gives the energy to do something about it. This could be as minor as being served a cup a cold coffee, or as major as your spouse running off with your best friend. How about God's anger? This is always holy into her. Because what God says is wrong is wrong. And what he says matters does matter. God is highly displeased when people are harmed and hurt by others. Romans 13:10 tells us love does no wrong to a neighbor. While Romans 12:17 says repay no one evil for evil to run, this can never make a right. And our anger simply doubles the wrong but God's anger makes right what was wrong.

I was thinking that sometimes with our anger, there are ways to defuse even if it would be bribe anger. Think about driving down the road. And often there is this road rage that might come up and someone cuts in front of you. Or all of a sudden as they cut in front of you, they whip off and go down to exit the two we're going to go and maybe you're even forced to go on the median. Sometimes I will say to myself in my human emotions, perhaps they are going to an emergency. Perhaps they're not feeling well and they have to get to a bathroom immediately. Perhaps someone in their family is having a huge issue where they need to get there immediately. And that often allows me to not be as angry and have a whole day perspective, one difference between our anger and God's anger is that since we are not always wholly impure, we often get angry at things that are not two wrongs. And that was the example that I just gave, or at things that don't really matter to anyone but us. If you throw a temper tantrum, when you are served cold food in a restaurant, or curse, when you're stuck in traffic, you should recognize that these things are not things that really matter in God's world. And certainly, they can have an impact. The other evening, my husband and I were out for dinner. And I was quite hungry. And there is a phenomenon called angry, being angry because one is hungry. And that's what I felt that night. And as the waitress was taking an order, she said it should be up shortly. 

But then never brought back any water or drinks. And I was extremely thirsty. And I was seeing that other tables were being served. And finally, when she came back, I made a rude remark, but I was a bit irritable, we never did get our drinks. Oh, that's right. And she did end up bringing them immediately. Well, as they were sitting there, and then they'll have in our meal. And she did come to service a couple more times in check on us, my husband was wearing a shirt that had our logo on it, which said compassionate Christian counseling. And she noticed that the words were there and that she knew about our organization, and that she had a family member come to our organization and spoke so highly of us. And all of a sudden, I realized, I probably had been a bit irritable to her, and I had to apologize to her. And then I apologize to the Lord too.

So even in our anger, which is not necessarily God's anger, there might be opportunities that we can take note and actually have an express an apology. Sometimes their is a concept at the core of this meal need to heal in our relationship, and it is called a model. This is a term that describes the therapy method called IRT or Imago Relationship Therapy, which was created by Dr. harville Hendricks, author of the best selling book getting the love you want a guide for couples. The term of Imago is Latin for image and refers to the unconscious image of familiar love. Simply put, there is often a connection between frustrations, experience or adult relationship that could lead to anger and early childhood experiences. And an example if you frequently felt criticized as a child, you will likely be sensitive to any criticism firm, and feel criticism often by your partner. Likewise, if you felt abandoned, smothered, neglected, these feelings will come up in your marriage or committed relationship. I'll give an example. I was working with a couple and the husband came from, I would say trauma in his background quite severe. both of his parents had been alcoholics, the father could be very physically abusive, and the mother was very neglectful and really did not have the ability to nurture the children. This man remember the child being very happy go lucky. And one day he walked in the house and he reminisced thinking he was probably about five or six, and he was singing the song, you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. 

And he was so happy. And he remembered, if you were looking at his face, he was radiating happiness. His mother was busy doing something in the kitchen, and she stopped. And she looked at him and she said, Stop singing that song. You're nobody's sunshine. And he was devastated. To this day, he has never forgotten that comment, and never has wanted to sing that song, again. And it's usually the trigger for him that he hears the song. And actually, what we uncovered as we were doing the therapy is that if he felt criticism, or if he felt judged by his wife, he would immediately react in anger. And this was a defining moment, we were able to do some work with that moment. And because of that work, there started to be a different understanding in their communication, because he was able to put to rest that memory and find again, that he could be sunshine, to his wife and certainly to the Lord God. Anger that would continue to serve us in the marriage relationship would be a strong suspicion for a Imago . And these are wounds that still need to be healed. Marriage can be a catalyst for this healing, and we can learn so much more about ourselves in relationship rather than in singleness. The long term success of a relationship and the depth of intimacy a couple experiences depends on our willingness to find healthy ways of expressing and dealing with each other's emotions. 

And that includes the emotion of anger, there will be a class later on in this course, and healed marriages with a healthy warned base. And this will be a class giving much more help for issues where there are wounds in a marriage or issues that have been there from childhood to create wounds that are still not resolved. Now let's talk about some characteristics of anger. Anger is a God given emotion. One of the core aspects of being a person is that we are creative in God's image. Part of what it means to be made in God's image is that we like God have a variety of emotions. One of these emotions is anger. from Genesis four or five through Revelation 19:15. The Bible has a lot to say about anger. In fact, in the Old Testament alone, anger is mentioned approximately 455 times and with 375 passages referring to God's anger.

Anger is one of the most powerful emotions. It is most energizing of our emotions worry depression, fear and grief, drain us of energy. But when we experience the emotion of anger, adrenaline and noradrenaline are pumped into our central and peripheral nervous system that our bodies go on alert. The emotion of anger can provide tremendous energy to deal with problems and change things for good. But when we allow it to control us, it can lead to destructive actions such as emotional, verbal, or even physical abuse and violence. And truly, that will be very detrimental for a marriage and caused so much collateral damage. I have a very powerful memory, I was working with a young woman, and she had come into therapy because she had been in a very abusive relationship. And this was a long term relationship they had not yet gotten married. And I think the reason that had not happened is she did have concerns that were very genuine. There was much anger in this relationship, and the anger from her significant other demand did turn into physical abuse and violence. Now it left quite a scar on her in terms of her emotions and depth what brought her into therapy, she has started to be in a dating relationship with a very wonderful godly man, and was finding that these unresolved issues were causing concern in her new relationship. So we started to talk about a memory where it was the most defining time of trauma with physical abuse from her previous relationship. She remember the anger getting to a point that this man had taken her head and held her hair and started to bang her head into the wall. She felt completely powerless. She wasn't even sure if she was going to survive. Now, as she was telling me, this is sitting on my couch with tears streaming down her face. on her forehead again appeared this reddened bump that emerged and almost looked back and blue. It was very concerning, and almost amazing. She felt it immediately, because she also at the same time, had a headache that came on. 

And we then began to realize that not only did her emotions and what she was feeling, and how it affected her heart, but also her body was experienced issues from that time, and needed to have healing as well. Now, at that moment, I definitely went into prayer, because this is not something that I had learned in my graduate studies of how to deal with. And I felt very much led by the Holy Spirit to go and sit next to her. And I asked her to put her hand on her forehead, and I asked her if it would be okay. If I put my hand on top of hers. And then we went into a prayer time, that the Lord would bring healing not only to this memory, but also to her body. And once we were able to have the prayer, the red area, and that bump that had come in appeared on her forehead started to disappear. And also her headache started to decrease as well. It was very amazing. Also, when there is anger, there was always pain underneath. Anger often is an indication for the therapist, to look for the pain. Because anger is a way to get in touch with a path to their pain. It is often a secondary emotion. Anger is usually the first emotion we see. And at that moment, it's probably the only emotion that we are aware of. However, it is usually never The only emotion that we have experienced. Just below the surface, out of our conscious awareness are almost always other deeper emotions that need to be identified and acknowledged. hidden deep underneath our secondary emotion of anger is usually some primary emotions such as fear, hurt, frustration, or sadness. In fact, this can be looked at as an example with Joseph and his brothers in Genesis, because they were very angry at their brother. But underneath there was much fear in terms of their position with their father.

I was thinking also that I remember a couple that was derailed by anger, but underneath with fear. This was a man that had lost his mother to cancer at age seven. And his father had remarried. And the stepmother was a very angry, non connecting, vindictive woman. And she had her own biological children, and was very, I would say, mean to this man as a child and his brother. And no matter what they ever seem to want, it was not considered. One of the things that he remembered was groceries. And she would always buy very specific things for her biological children. But if he the man or his brother asked for anything that was not given, like he like just peanut butter, and he like dill pickles, and she would always invite sweet pickles and buy a generic brand of peanut butter. And that probably did sound like a little issue. But for him, he already had so much pain, and did not feel that he was special anymore. He had lost the woman, he had loved so much his biological mother. Well, uncannily enough. He married a woman that was very much money manager with her money. She always was looking for deals. And it didn't matter what he requested. If that wasn't on sale, that is not what she bought. Well, often, just peanut butter was not on sale, it would be the generic peanut butter. And it started the cause so many arguments in this relationship. She was thinking she was being an astute financial manager, and thought that would be given a commendation and he was feeling very much disrespected. And that feeling comforted with his request. Again, this was conversation that led us to secondary emotions, which we definitely were fear underneath. She was fearful for their finances and for what their retirement would look like. And he was fearful that he would never be given a chance to feel that he was valued, and that he could be treated with some special tender care which food meant to him. After we understood all of that, we resolve the issues and by golly, he got some just peanut butter and some dill pickles. Another way to understand anger more specifically, is a book that I often refer to and I am going to just hold this book up. It is on the work cited page. Because it is a fantastic book and understanding anger is entitled letting go of anger the 11 most common anger styles and what to do about them, written by Patricia Ephrem. Distinguish between an anger problem and an anger style. Examples of anger problems are likely the anger and how it makes you feel, stuffing and not knowing how to express or exploiting and rage. And anger style is a particular way you handle your anger. The style that we prefer are usually the ones we were taught as children. Basically each of us have learned that it is better to handle our anger in certain ways than others. Examples of styles would be passive aggressive, avoidance and explosive. The authors in this book will speak about eight more, but for the sake of this class, I am going to categorize them together in a little bit more concise pattern. 

Explosive and impulse of anger is what I'll be speaking about. And I thought this was a very nice little quote, speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret. Now is that not often true. Very often the words that we will say in anger are things that after we think about it, we would prefer to have said differently and perhaps not say at all. Unfortunately, to look at explosive anger and this being an anger style, and in terms of run Ephrem book the letting go of anger he speaks of four different anger styles that are explosive, sudden anger, shame based anger, deliberate anger, and excitatory anger. But I will give a description of what happens with an explosive anger. It is never constructive. It not only hurts the person at whom it is directed, it destroy the self esteem of the person who is out of control. No one can feel good about themselves when they think about what they have done. In the heat of such angry explosion. People say and do things they later regret. On discipline danger that expresses itself is verbal and physical, and can do with explosions and will ultimately destroy relationships. The person on the receiving end loses respect for the person who was out of control, and will eventually just avoid them. 

You know, when I think about how husbands and wives can be so upset, there was a woman who I worked with and bless her heart, but she had explosive anger. Again, it went back to some Imago issues from childhood. She was raised by a single mother and his mother worked two or three jobs. So I'm assuming the mother was under a great deal of stress, but had very little patience for this daughter. And this daughter remembers one time trying to get an answer from the mother and probably was continuing to ask questions and was getting a little bit more intense and frustrated. The mother turned around and had a cup of hot chocolate made with milk in her hand, and she threw it at the daughter. And it hit her in the face. And she remember being burned. And she was furious, a daughter started to scream, she ran to her bedroom, and really doesn't have much memory of how that was resolved. And often that's the case when something is quite traumatic. The brain will store differently with memory and recall. But what happened with this daughter being raised by this mother who had much anger is the daughter learned that a lot of how she tried to handle issues and relationships or conflict with anger. She eventually got married. And that marriage ended up having a lot of issues. And actually, there was a time when she had gotten extremely upset. She pulled a knife out, she started to chase her husband. And she ended up catching him on the arm and created a cut as she was being with much rage. 

The police were called and this woman actually ended up having a night in jail. I ended up getting involved in the case, down the road away after divorce had been filed. And I ended up working with a woman after the divorce had gone through. She again was learning now much healthier ways to express her anger even though there was my sadness and regret. Because this marriage now had ended. It was interesting though, they shared a minor child together a little girl. And so did have time to see each other when there was time to have visitation exchange. Well, there was a time when this little girl turned I think it was around three or four and they decided for the sake of the little girl to plan a birthday party get together. And in planning that birthday party, the ex husband saw that this woman had changed dramatically. She also had renewed her faith and her commitment to the Lord Jesus and had learned a lot of different strategies and how to handle her anger. And they ended up getting remarried. And it was a marvelous what would you say? A healing for what had happened in their marriage originally and then to have the healing now to be remarried. How about the styles of implosive anger? 

This type of anger could look like sad the silent treatment and its withdrawal and avoidance. This could last for days or for years. The suppression of anger holding anger inside will eventually lead to psychological and physiological stress. This could include migraines, hypertension, colitis, and heart disease. Another characteristic of impulsive anger is brooding. In the person's mind, the initial scene of wrongdoing is played over and over again. This leads to resentment and bitterness. This implosion can lead to a depression or an emotional breakdown. And also for a growing number of people who have internalized the anger The end result will not be an implosion, but rather an explosion, then that would lead more to the aggressive anger. But often the implosive anger that is internalized can last for days or for years. If it does end up being aggressive it is because in their desperate emotional state, they will commit some act of violence or get extremely with rage against the person who had wronged them. 

Now again, in the book The letting go of anger by Ronald Ephron and Patricia Ephron. They talk about three styles of implosive anger which is they call it mass anger, anger avoidance, sneaky anger, which is more the passive aggressive and anger toward in anger turned inward. Fascinating information to read. Isn't this interesting for a quote anger is only one letter short of danger because whether it is aggresive anger for internalized implosive anger, it can get very dangerous. unhealthy anger can be hazardous to your health. But occasional anger that is expressed in healthy ways isn't harmful. In fact, learning how to express anger unhealthy ways constraints in our help and increase our effectiveness. The key word there is healthy. However, when anger is over expressed, explosive, or under expressed impulsive for long periods of time, it keeps our body in a constant state of emergency, chronic or sustained anger. unhealthy anger increases blood pressure and blood sugar levels, depresses the immune system and damages arteries, and the heart attributing to heart disease. Interestingly, I had a adult female client that was dealing with the loss of her father, and the divorce that had taken place years ago between her mother and father. She did have a lot of unresolved issues, because there was anger that she had seen in that relationship. She ended up being able to meet with a mother because the mother was still alive. And the mother lived in Michigan, and would come to our sessions. The mother had a faith in the Lord Jesus. And there was some wonderful forgiveness and apology that took place in a couple of our sessions. However, the father had moved to Alaska. And after the divorce, that's where he had lived. There was not reconciliation or resolution with the father, the father did not had any want to discuss some of the past with a daughter, the daughter did not feel close to the Father. And if anything was ever brought up about some of her thoughts regarding the divorce and some of her pain, he would shut her down. Well, part of the reason that the divorce had taken place, as I had said, there had been a lot of anger, and the daughter had felt some of it was very much explosive, some had been implosive, but because the father would never talk about things, he ended up dying of a sudden heart attack at age 60. 

The daughter always felt that it might have been related to the unprocessed anger and not ever dealing with it in healthy ways, or even coming to terms with a divorce and that it had taken place. And so it was very sad if that is possible. But that is very much what sometimes can happen. Now healthy anger has tremendous potential for good, we need to continually remind ourselves that anger is energy and energy can be neutral. While we have minimal control over the fact that we're experiencing or we can have total control over how we choose to express that anger. We're going to be looking at some examples of the good that comes from anger. There's four different concepts here. Anger is a signal. The anger will serve as an alarm or warning sign that we need to take a look at some aspect of our lives or relationships. Anger is a powerful source of motivation. Anger provides the power to protect those we love. Healthy anger can lead us to more intimate relationships. And again, healthy and that is definitely the goal and what we are continuing to want to learn in this class.