Transcript: Anger Management part 2

Video Transcript: Anger Management Part 02

Welcome to class two on anger, and definitely wanting to learn more about what to do with this very strong emotion so that marriages can thrive. We're going to be talking about the myths of anger versus the facts of anger. 

Anger myth number one. Since God is love and anger is the opposite of love, it is clear that God is against anger, and that whenever we get angry, we are sinning. Now let's look at Psalm 106:40, which declares the Lord was angry with his people. It is clear that the rebellion of his people caused the anger but further reading shows that this is not the emotion of hate. The response is not a punishment, but of discipline and correction. Yes, he did hand them over to their enemies. But then, many times he delivered them he took note of their distress. He remembered his covenant and out of his great love, he relented, that's in verses 43 through 45. These are not acts of hate. Here we see God's anger arise out of love. It is a means whereby God communicates his character is intended to convey that discipline has its foundations in love. 

How about anger, fact, another anger fact, God is love. And this is not a myth. This is a fact. And one expressions of God's love for us is that he created us in His image. Since God has emotions. We have emotions, including anger, our anger, like Gods can be motivated by love. Getting angry is not a sin, we can choose our expression of anger, God is glorified. And we are healthier, happier when we choose to express the emotion of anger in healthy and constructive ways. When I think about having anger, and if it truly could have a base for being healthy, I remember when my first granddaughter was born, and my daughter was exhausted, the baby wasn't sleeping very well. So as a good Mama, and Grandma, I decided to spend a couple of evenings with her and stay overnight. She was breastfeeding the baby. And we're being woken up every couple of hours and was just beyond tired. She was very firm going to bed one night that she wanted to make sure that I would wake her up when the baby awoke because she wanted to feed the baby. There, there was some breast milk in a bottle in the refrigerator. And I ended up thinking about how tired my daughter was. And when the baby woke up, made a decision to not wake up my daughter, that I would just take care of it so that she could sleep longer. All of a sudden, about halfway through the feeding and the babies my little granddaughter was doing fine. My daughter woke up, came out into the living room and was furious. And she told me if I was not going to listen, that I was not going to be able to be there to help with that baby anymore. And I needed to make sure that I listened to what she wanted. I could tell that in her anger, and it was quite explosive underneath was her worry and concern for her daughter. And also she was a bit sleep deprived. So I certainly agreed. Well, the next day, when she woke up, she apologized and realized that her anger had been very explosive, and had not been what she wanted to communicate. She had one of those regret times. But we both were able to understand that underneath it was more the concern and fear for her very new daughter. 

How about anger Myth number two. If you don't look or sound angry, you don't have an anger problem. This myth assumes that whenever we experienced the emotion of anger, we are probably aware of it and it can't be helped, but reveal itself in some way. Some individuals do have a difficult time hiding what they feel. Even a stranger can look at their face or listen to their voice and tell what is going on inside of them. But there are a lot of people for whom this is not the case. They are pretty good at hiding their emotions. 

So we're going to go to anger fact number two, just because you don't look or feel angry or because your spouse would not describe you as an angry person does not mean that you don't have a problem with anger. Anyone who does not understand and appreciate the potential value of anger may have a potential problem with anger. Anyone who hasn't developed healthy ways to express anger has a problem with anger. 

Anger myth number three. Anger always leads to some sort of violence. And therefore it is never good to be angry. This myth can often be believed if a spouse was raised in a family where anger and violence existed together. An alcohol issue for a parent can create this belief system. This could be from a father that would beat the mother or the child because the father was an alcoholic. Being raised like that could have propensity to have learned that type of behavior but it is not an absolute. In fact, I have watched many folks in in their marriages come to terms with issues from their past where anger was used in a destructive way. And with therapy and with the guidance of the Lord God changed that possibility of ever happening in their own marriage. 

Anger fact number three. Anger for the most part does not lead to violence or physical altercation. Healthy anger would not allow for this type of interaction, especially when it is the love of your life, your spouse and the gift of your children. And that is so good to know. 

Anger myth number four. If I express anger to someone I love, it will destroy our relationship, anger and love, just don't mix. 

Well, let's look at the fact by not being in touch with and communicating the root source of anger to your spouse, they are not allowed to understand your hurts and frustrations. If you are aware of the experience of anger and choose to express to your spouse in a healthy way, it can be used of God to increase mutual understanding, and help strengthen and enrich the marriage relationship. 

Anger myth number five. Spiritual people don't get angry, spiritual people love. Spiritual people are compassionate, spiritual people are concerned, spiritual people can be discouraged, spiritual people experience hurt, frustration and fear. Spiritual people experienced anger, experience the emotion of anger has nothing to do with being naughty or nice on spiritual or spiritual, immature or mature. But when we talk about how we choose to express the emotion of anger, that's a different story. We can be irresponsible and allow the emotion of anger to control us, and express that anger and cruel and violent ways. We can also be wise, and not let the emotion of anger control us. But choose to express that anger in healthy and positive ways. And that, again, is the goal. 

And your fact number five. Anger is a fact of life. Everyone experiences anger, smart people choose to understand their experience of anger, healthy people choose to express anger in constructive ways. 

Anger myth number six, the best way to deal with anger is to ignore it. If you ignore anger, it will go away. I think of a couple that came to my practice. And she was so frustrated because there always was the sense that her husband was angry, but he would tell her, No, I'm fine. Everything's good. And every time she would hear that phrase, everything's good. It would just make her so upset. Because there was a sense by his body language, and also by other things that he said that there was anger for come to find out. This man, in his childhood, had a brother that had abused him in a number of ways, verbally, physically, sexually. And he very much was made to obey his brother he had the brother was older. And to be told if you ever say one word about any of this, or how you feel, this is even going to be worse. And there was some horrible things that were done. He learned at a very early age to not talk about his emotions, to not share his feelings. And that came into the relationship. So it is truly a myth. It is much healthier to deal with anger, than to ignore it. He ended up being actually quite angry at that brother. And that was a few separate therapy sessions to help him deal with that. And ultimately, it helped him deal with his marriage as well. Issues of anger in the marriage. 

How about anger fact number six. To ignore anger is to bury it alive. At some point in some ways that buried or ignored emotion will express itself physically, psychologically, or spiritually in the short run, it hinders us from dealing with the real issues and in the long run is significantly increases the problem of developing real physical problems. 

How about anger myth number seven. The best way to deal with anger is to stuff it. expressing anger breeds even more anger and leads to loss of control. When you stop anger, you are much more aware of it but you consciously choose to sit on it, to keep it in to hold it down. And you hope that nobody notices it. For whatever reason, fear of offending someone fear of losing control, fear of looking bad, stuffing it and looking good appears to be the healthiest option. Interestingly enough, again, that is not healthy. I had a woman that was experiencing a lot of physical issues. She was developing ulcers, she would have chronic migraines. But she was a very soft spoken woman. And if ever there were issues that came up within her marriage, she would not say a word. She might tell me in session, but not her husband. He was by far a pretty healthy husband but occasionally, if there were issues that came up. And most often it wasn't even about their marriage, it was usually something that had happened at work, he might get very upset, he would start swearing, and talking very loudly about issues at work, and she would just cower and become very, very quiet. And by holding so much and never letting him know, if certain things bothered her, or when she felt fear, she developed sores. Well, a same type of issue came to the forefront. She had a memory where her older brother was next or playing with some neighbor, kids. And something happened. And the mother of the neighbor boy came over and told my clients, father, that her brother had done something. And whether he did or didn't, he took such a beating. She remember hearing her brother cry, she remembered hearing the belt or the hit her brother, she remembers walking up to the bathroom or there was this was taking place. And her father looked at her and said, you get out of here and use some other choice words and said if you don't leave, there, same things going to happen to you. She was terrified. She learned again at that moment to hold her emotions in, and to run. And it was the same thing she did with her husband. So that had to be understood. Because her fear kept her from expressing any type of anger or frustration and she stopped everything. 

Because actually the anger fact is, when in doubt about what to do with your experience of anger. Don't stop it. Choose a healthy way to express your anger. unhealthy expressions of anger breeds even more anger, they can be destructive and lead to loss of control. Healthy expressions of anger allow you to deal with the root issues and decrease anger. 

Anger myth number eight. The best way to deal with anger is to dump it. Just get all that anger out of your system, you and everyone else will feel better. Now there's much evidence and resources suggests that dumping does not decrease anger. But it can freeze the hostile disposition. People who are quick to express anger are often less self controlled, left tolerant and more inflexible than people who take the time to process what they're feeling and choose an appropriate response. I actually wanted to read a bit of research on that fact. In medicine, a cathartic as a laxative that aids in the purging of the bowels. In a similar fashion. A cathartic approach to anger means that the person relieves his or her emotion by expressing it, sometimes in the in the area profession that I am in. There were times I had taken some classes and this was years ago. And they encouraged to help a client come in touch with her and or had them maybe get a plastic baseball bat and go out and just rail on a tree. Have them scream into a pillow have them throw something at a dartboard have them tear up a bunch of magazines or something like that. And just express the anger have a cathartic reaction. Well, this is what happens sometimes with anger. And that possibly is one approach. However, there have been three reviews of the literature on catharsis and it raised serious questions about this as as a way to express and to help deal with anger, Berkowitz in 1970, and curler check in 1981 reviewed over a dozen studies and found that people experience more anger and aggression not less when they participate in aggressive behaviors. Louis and virture in 1992 drew similar conclusions and added that catharsis also runs the risk of people seeing themselves as helpless victims, thus preventing them from dealing with anger in a healthful manner. These studies suggest that at best, catharsis does not reduce anger, and at worse, it may even intensify it. The writer of Proverbs may have been onto something when he said that a fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. Now, certainly, a person will need to have options and have information and have tools given to help with the expression of anger. But to do it in an angry way with catharsis, there is no question that could be a mess. 

So how about anger fact number eight. When you're angry, and you're in doubt about what you need to do, take time to understand your experience. And you will be better able to choose a healthy and constructive way to express it. How about this quote, for every minute you're angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness. And so for those of us that are time conscious and want to make the most of every part of our day, and every part of our time with our spouse, That is very mind boggling for every minute because it could be 60 seconds of happiness. So let's look at some treatment and responses to anger. David and Vera in the marriage enrichment movement outlined a way of coping with angry feelings at surfaces in almost every marriage. When you feel angry, express your anger in words, stating calmly and with love, use much the same tone as you would say, I'm tired, or I'm very tired. That's the barometer right there. 

They developed an acronym AREA to help couples remember a better way of solving anger, the A, that's for admitting your anger to your spouse, I'll give you an example, a husband and wife I was working with. And the wife loved to get little treats from her husband, and in the form of candy treats. Well, she found out that he often was picking up candy from the store and bringing it to work, and sharing it with some of his other female colleagues at his work that made her so angry, because it felt like it was something that should have been kept for her. And I would agree. I wanted that to be kept more for his wife. But in telling her husband, she got super angry, and did not do it with more of a calm tone, and did not do it with a healthy constructive way with words. So how about R it's a desire to restrain your anger, and not let it get out of hand by blaming or belittling? Actually, when this wife talked to her husband about bringing the candy to work, she called him stupid. And that was very belittling. So when R is to restrain from using those kind of words, and that kind of anger, how about E stands for explaining in a very calm manner, why you are angry. When the wife finally got in touch with this, she realized that she wanted to have that happen for her. She felt precious. She felt cherished when her husband would bring home little treats for her. And knowing that also treats her brought to work undermined that feeling for her. And her husband received that because he could hear her heart. And he could hear that that did bother her and he didn't want her to feel not cherish. The A stands for an action plan or doing something about the cause of the anger. And I suggest to make this very measurable. What this couple did is that he gave her commitment at least one to three times a week, he would bring her home a little treat. And he also gave her a commitment that he would no longer bring those treats to work. It was very measurable, and he absolutely did keep his word and they use that area. Treatment from Donald and Vera. If anger is handled this way, using a calm approach to identify the cause of the anger and what can be done about it. Couples usually find the anger was based on a misunderstanding or misinterpreted with words or deeds. Couples may also find out that one partner was pushed beyond a level of tolerance. All these things can be solved if approached in a calm manner. 

Every day, you will get many chances to become angry. For instance, a driver may cut off in front of your car on the way to work, someone might criticize you another person to now return your call. All of these are anger invitations. You could accept everyone in which case you will be angry all the time. The key is to ignore the less important invitations. You have to separate what is merely annoying from what is really serious. Some more practical help for healthy anger. This comes from a book The dance of anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner. And it lists 12 do and don'ts of dealing with conflict. Do speak up when an issue is important to you. Don't strike while the iron is hot. Do take time to think about the problem and to clarify your position. And in clarifying your position. That definitely could be a time to go and seek the Lord. Often it when our anger we will say something that we will regret later. If you have a sense that you want to say what you're angry about in the healthiest way possible with the best choice of words. Thinking about this and clarifying by going to the Lord God in prayer could be very, very helpful. 

Don't use below the belt tactics. do speak in I language, and don't make vague requests. Do try to appreciate the fact that people are different. Don't participate in intellectual arguments that go nowhere. do recognize that each person is responsible for his or her own behavior. And don't tell another person what he or she thinks or feels or should think or feel. Do try to avoid speaking to a third party is much better to be face to face, and don't expect change to come from hit and run confrontation. I will say that with number 11. I recommend talking one on one with your spouse. But if it does reach an impasse, that is why a counsellor offer is needed or a pastor. I also want to have you be aware that there will be a PDF Word document that you can go to is at the end of this class number two on anger. It is called practicing anger management. It actually has a little worksheet that can be given to your couple or at least one of your couple. But it is often interesting when I give these handouts to be used to have both of the couples fill them out. It will like any other skill helped manage anger and it will help to bring practice to managing anger and give ideas for what to do next time anger comes and what approaches to take. So please use this when it is helpful for the folks that you are working with.