Transcript: Secure Attachment - Foundational Base for Marriage part 1

Video Transcript: Secure Attachment – Foundation Base for Marriage (Part 01)

This is a class on secure attachment, which is a foundational base for marriage. The reason I felt it was important to have a class on attachment is because we learn our basic attachment skills and our very, very early formative years in the infant stages almost up to 12 months, and I'll be talking about a history of attachment. Why this is important is when couples come into marriage years and years later, they will start to connect with each other based on the attachment style that they learned as infants. And if it is not secure attachment, it can cause issues in the marriage. There the beginning person that ever studied attachment was British psychologist John Bowlby, and he was the first attachment theorist. He described attachment as a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings. This tells a little bit about Bowlby he was British. He was also a psychoanalyst. He was the first attachment theorist describing attachment as a lasting psychological connectedness. Bowlby believes that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life. According to Bowlby attachment also serves to keep the infant close to the mother thus improving the child's chances of survival. He believed that the child formed a model of how the physical world may be expected to behave, how his mother or other significant persons may be expected to behave, how he himself may be expected to behave and how each interacts with all the others. Within the framework, he evaluates the child will evaluate special aspects of the situations and make his attachment plan. A child is developing his or her maps for how to do relationships within the same period of time that he or she acquires the language. So that's at a very, very early age. This map is so basic to the child's understanding of relationships in life, that may feel automatic or instinctive. This map, whether secure ambivalent, protesting or detached avoiding was what the child had to do in order to cope with the conditions the child faced with the parents. 

Notice, I didn't say the word secure, because there was not coping and conditions with the parents. If that wasn't an issue, there would be more secure attachment. This model was formed through lots of trial and error experiences also. Here are a couple of examples. Okay, that one didn't work. This would be the child thinkingness, let's try another way of getting attention. How about hurray, the new strategy was successful, I think I'll stick with that one for a while. Whoops, that didn't go well. I better try something else. That does not make mom so angry, I'm really in trouble. If mom gets angry and ditches me. And you know examples more specifically, if any of those types of coping mechanisms, maybe the child learned that they had to be quiet. And if they even tried to speak up or express their emotions or feelings or even any show any frustration, they would get in trouble. Now what's it going to happen when they are in a marriage, that same child knows an adult would be very quiet, would learn to avoid would learn to keep their emotions inside. That would just be an example of what attachment does. Now through the rewards and pain of these attempts, a child develops his characteristic ways of approaching closeness and relationships. These models actually become the lens through which the child sees relationship. And that includes all of his or her strategies for trying to build secure attachment within those relationships. These experience guide the child's feelings, thoughts and expectations in later relationships. Here's a little thought that came again from Bowlby the propensity to make strong emotional bonds to a particular individual is a basic component of human nature. God has created us that way. Why did God create Eve for Adam is a basic component to want to have an emotional bond. Now, before I go on to talk about a little bit more with attachment theory, I wanted to talk a little bit about Bowlby's research, maybe I'll just go back because this is his research still, to things that he did in terms of attachment. He conducted a study called baby monkeys in times of stress, and these were rhesus monkeys. And what he did is he put wireframe to mannequins that had a feeding battle snap to them in the room with these monkeys and he also put terry cloth towel covered mannequins with no feeding or function. So these terrycloth mannequins did not have a bottle attached to them. This was what Bowlby talked about, but the actual person that conducted the research with Harry Harlow.

Now Harlow on the staff found that the infant monkeys spent more time they would actually hold on to the mannequin that was very soft and with that teary cloth, and every time they experienced some type of stress or fear they would do that. They actually The staff who was conducting experiments took this cleaning, noisy toy and they started to bring it into the room with the monkeys and the monkeys would freak out. And they would run to this mannequin again, that was terrycloth had nothing to do with wanting to have that bottle or wining to be fed, it again showed that there was a very strong need to have some type of an attachment and comfort. Bowlby also said in his research that he guessed that infants did best when they had one primary bond. That's why I'll often be speaking of a primary attachment figure, which is often the mother. However, it is not that they won't have other attachments, we're just looking at a primary attachment. They found in the research Bowlby that it was normal for children to have multiple attachments from the age of 12 months onwards. But again, there was that one primary attachment to the mother and it usually was at the top of the hierarchy. 

Some attachment so could be to the father. And I think in our day and age that is becoming more prevalent. I know that recently, I was on an outing with a good friend of mine, a girlfriend and we had went on a sailboat excursion. And we ended up talking to a family and the father told us there was six children, that he was retired and we both thought it was a little bit interesting because he looked to be about in his 40s, well come to find out he was a stay at home dad. And his wife was the primary provider she was administrator within a college system. I think he was a bit embarrassed to say that he was a stay at home dad. And actually I commended him for that the children still had a primary caregiver in this theory, that could be the hierarchy of where the father then would be the primary caregiver and actually would be the top level for the attachment. So I think in this day and age, we see that a lot more. Now I want to go a little bit further with attachment theory. And this was another psychologist that in the 1970s did groundbreaking work for attachment. Her name was Mary Ainsworth. And she did a study and it's written in all the psychology journals and books called strange situation. And in this study, researchers observed children between the ages of 12 and 18 months as they responded to a situation in which they were briefly left alone and then reunited with their mothers. That was the whole premise to see what these children would do when their primary attachment figure was no longer in the room. Now most children displayed a pattern of attachment that Ainsworth and colleagues labeled secure. This is what that looked like when the mothers were present, these children displayed a balance between exploring the laboratory play room, crawling around walking around and seeking proximity with their mothers. During separation, the secure children displayed some Distress as indicated, and that was usually by crying, but when reunited, these children greeted their mothers warmly, often with hugs, and would easily cleaned to their mothers. Now, there was another classification. 

This is called insecure ambivalent. This is displayed with a few exploratory behaviors when their mothers were present, these children often cling to them, these children were usually very upset during separations. And when were united, they displayed angry and resistant are ambivalent behaviors toward their mothers, for example, they would cry and raise their arms to be picked up, and then push their mothers away while continuing to cry. Children with ambivalent patterns tend to have mothers who are or were inconsistent in their parenting behaviors. For example, they may be sensitive and responsive some of the time but not always, which makes it difficult for children to predict the behavior. Now children classified as insecure avoidant, also were there, they explored the playroom when their mothers were present. Unlike other children, however, these children paid little attention to their mothers. You know, when this type of an issue happens, I mean, I was involved in this research, it was back in the 1970s. But I definitely have seen it in my practice, I have a couple of mothers that I'm working with, for personal individual issues or within marriages. And I had a mother recently they came in and she had a child, I think that little pumpkin was 18 months. And when that mother set that child down in our session, the child never came up to the mother again, through the whole session continued to play, never even made made a sound never even came for any needs or anything. And actually, what this talks about is this is usually the insecure avoided. Now the reason that this happens is these children were usually not upset during severe separations, and they snubbed or avoided their mothers. And these are mothers who have either rejected or were intrusive or overstimulating, so it was not a secure attachment where the child felt comfortable to attach with the mother. So they learned to just really be loners?

Can you imagine what this is like, when this child grows up, whether it's male or female, and then they want, they're going to be falling in love and go into marriage. They're not going to be able to attach. I mean, if the first time that they feel a rejection, they will avoid and be a loner, and it becomes a very isolated life in this could be the base. Children classified as insecure, disorganized. Now that's another level of attachment. They were characterized by extreme distress over separations and disorganized, disorientated and confused behaviors. During reunions specifically, these children displayed frozen postures, repetitive movements, and dazed facial expressions when reunited with their mothers, children with disorganized patterns tend to have mothers who have experienced loss trauma, or mental illness. Now, interestingly enough, I have a marriage case on my practice right now. And husband had a very abusive childhood. And actually it was a mother with mental illness, she had numerous suicide attempts, she was hospitalized numerous times, this man did not have any comfort, or any predictability, and what his hierarchy of a maternal figure was going to be like, and on top of that, he did not have a father that was present in the home. So other relatives were always taking care of him when he was growing up. When I actually met this gentleman with his wife, it was his fourth marriage. And they were having issues, she actually was in her second marriage and had more secure attachment, I would find that when we were in a therapeutic discussion, and it became more of a conflict, even though I was there, and I was going to help them work through this, he would immediately get up and start to pace the room, be very agitated. And then if it continued to be more of some intensity would discussion, he would go over to the window and stare out the window, and almost go into this fixed gaze, not even respond anymore. I got to the point that I asked him if he would allow for a bit more intervention that his wife could get up and come and stand by him and perhaps just touch his hand, with his permission. He didn't want her to touch him on the back that felt like he would be taken off guard, he was open with her calming to touch his hand as he stood by the window, eventually got to the point that she could take a hold of his hand and bring him back to the couch. And then we worked on having more eye contact. And with that comfort and more direct conversation that was still calm, he started to understand that there could be predictability. And that conversations could happen and come through a conversation and it would still be with healing. It was amazing to see the difference from going from insecure and disorganized towards more secure attachment. 

Now life experiences can activate the brain that structural and chemical level, the brain is responding to these attachment experiences with excitement, confusion, peace or anxiety. If it's responding in peace, this person will be more likely to have secure attachment. These early attachment experiences actually helped to determine which part of the child's brain becomes utilize and strengthen and which parts will be underdeveloped. I mean, I can pretty much guarantee when I have attachment issues within a couple's relationship, I'm going to speak about men briefly. I could have a man that is incredibly successful or very much as a skill in a skilled trade. He'll be fantastic with his hands, he could fix anything, he could repair things, and that part of his brain is just working on all cylinders. But when it comes to emotions, that might be another issue, especially if there was attachment issues, it will be much more uncomfortable, to be able to feel that that can be a task that could be mastered. If the child learns that attachment relationships are secure than the child's brain will release peaceful and mellowing agents into her brain or his brain when she gets close to others. The child who was abused when he got close to a parent will have a brain flooded with fear and hyper vigilance, brain chemicals during times when he tries to get close to others. 

As a result, it may be very physically overwhelming for the abused child to get close to others. And thus, that could easily bring a couple into therapy. Because marriage next to our relationship with the Lord God should be the safest, most comfortable place to be and with our best friend. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case. And thus therapy can help with this attachment issue. I really liked this picture because it seemed to state, I mean, look at the pictures this this warm with this mother and this child, this would be a picture displaying secure attachment. However, let's read the words which is more our culture. We are bent on weakening bond in the name of growth, independence, then spend our adulthoods wondering why we have trouble getting close to other people. And especially my dear gentlemen, father says to them, you quit that crying that's just, that's just acting like a baby, you better sit up straight, don't you slump your shoulders, you look like you're sad. I mean, these would be some of the things I understand creating independence, and I'm all for creating healthy children with independence. However, there is a fair amount of nurturing and comfort that needs to be given in those very, very early months and early years for strong attachments and secure attachments. If we come into the world, learning to attach to others, and to trust them, we begin to develop emotionally, physically and psychologically, we proceed along certain prescribed plans outlined by our Creator. If, however, we do not learn to attach to others, then our growth is stunted. And we may experience problems like Terry's, and I'm going to read about Terry in just a moment with his story. Terry had never read a book on object constancy, but he knew in his soul, what he was lacking. 

This comes from one of the authors that I read a lot and I will be putting his book in the works cited. It is Henry Cloud. This is the story of Terry. He was a 27 year old, enormously successful realtor, he started his own company, and it opened numerous real estate offices in the town where he lived. He was married and had a daughter and two sons. He came into therapy complaining of increasing tension and anxiety. The more successful he became, the more his tension increased. He thought his problems were directly related to his work. It doesn't do any good to pray or read the Bible. He confessed. It's not really the my tension one bit. As Dr. Cloud began to look at his life, they discovered a startling fact his work was not creating his tension. The tension was driving him to work. Whenever he felt tension and panicky, went to work. Work was protecting him from his pain. At work, he was in control at work he could perform, but the older he got, and the more he kept meeting the goals he set for himself, the less satisfaction he got from his job, and the less protection it was providing him from his pain. We refocused our attention on Terry's home life, Terry said he had married his wife for her beauty personality in the sense in her brains. He was so insecure, that he couldn't stand to have her out of his sight. 

Whenever he was away from her, he went into a prolonged depression. When he was depressed, he even forgot what his wife looked like. And he needed to look at photos of her to remember that she loved him. But ironically, when he was with his wife, he did not feel close to her. And she didn't feel close to him. One day, we were exploring Terry's, we, meaning Dr. Cloud Terry's latest depression, which was so deep, it seemed bottomless. Suddenly Terry cried out and tear, I need my mother inside of me. She's supposed to live on the inside where she can't get away. He had a mother that was very neglectful. Terry had never read a book on object constancy, but he knew on his soul what he was lacking. He didn't feel any comfort inside, in the deepest part of his heart in his soul. So Terry began to attend a small support group sponsored by his church, he opened up to a few trusted men in his group. As he shared his problems and concerns and listened to theirs, he slowly began to make connections. These attachments to others began to provide him comfort. Over time, this comfort came to live. inside him, he discovered that he could be loved wherever he was, his ability to bond with close friends carried over into his home life. For the first time, he began to empathize with his wife's concerns about their son's behavior problems, and to listen more closely to his daughter's complaints about boys and homework. Their relationship grew close. He had always roughhouse and played football with his boys, but hadn't been comfortable to really have a conversation. And now he was noticing the boys were even sharing their feelings with him. And their behavior problems began to clear up.

In one of the last sessions that Terry had with Dr. Cloud. He said, I didn't know how God works. It had to take me these issues through experience of emotional connection with others to get me out of my pain. But I still wish it had been easier. And is that not the wish that we all have, but often my couples within marriages, the greatest growth, and the most deepest growth that they experienced is when they go through the hardest time. Walsh who was actually wrote about this in 2010 explains more about this object relations theory. That is when Terry said I need my mother inside, which means he needed some comfort. And of course, as a Christian therapist, I can definitely talk about how Jesus has sent the Holy Spirit to be that comfort. I think sometimes within marriage we want someone that has flesh and can touch but anyway Walsh focused on the concept that the internalized images and attitudes we have regarding others determines our relationship with self, and influences our approach when forming relationships. The theory focuses on interpersonal relationships specifically within early childhood, and emphasis again on the mother child as she is the primary. The framework for the theory draws in the concept of attachment theory. And the effects of early nurturing individuals with poor object relations will often have frequent relationship conflicts, due to the maladaptive defense mechanisms, they have developed. One of my couples that both struggled with some attachment issues, they would come to therapy, and it would be like everything was wonderful. And they had these great weeks that have taken place and they were communicating. And one of the things we're working on is, she had a propensity to stash, and he would leave things out and be just furious, because then he'd lose things. And she'd do really, really well for a number of days, and then stash something, and he would be so upset, it was either all good or all bad. 

There was no in between, even though it might have only happened one time, and there had been 20 or 30 times that she had not. And actually what I say sometimes, in my therapy to myself is that very often this transference can come to me as well. And with this couple that happened, there was a homework assignment that I had assigned, and it caused some friction. And they did take a little bit of a step backwards. They came to the session after that homework assignment and told me they didn't think therapy was working anymore. And we'd had some incredible breakthroughs. Again, it was either all good or all bad. So actually, I was able to use the therapy to help them understand that they were making these assumptions. And this is described a little bit more the concept of splitting to be the most frequent defense mechanism is with people with poor object relations or a poor internalized sense of comfort. Individuals utilizing this defense the others is either good or bad. Typically, others are good when they fulfill a need for the individual but others who disappoint frustrated anger the individual are considered bad, and even if they've been good. This defense mechanism will usually carry over into the clinical setting as I had experienced with that couple with the homework, as the individual or couple may alternate between perceiving therapists or pastor as either good or bad. Now we inherit distorted thinking from the system of rational rules operate in the family in which we were raised. The family was set up by God to be a spiritual system, to impart to children the spiritual laws of the universe. The family is where we were supposed to learn God's way of loving attachment, freedom of choice, forgiveness, and growing skills and talents. However, we do not live in perfect families and many family rules are much different than God. 

How about I wanted to share a list. This is a list of family rules that shows that the object relation is skewed. And attachment is definitely not secure. Here's an example. Thou shalt not let anyone get emotionally close to you keep your distance, Thou shalt not tell the truth about how you are feeling. If you are heard, keep it a secret. Thou shalt always lie. If it will keep the peace. Thou shalt try and look good on the outside it is more important anyway. Thou shalt achieve highly and bring honor to the family name. Thou shalt never leave and cleave for that would make the rest of the family very sad. Thou shalt not talk about any family matter outside the home and any hurt that you sustain here, breaking loyalty is an abomination. Children are to interfere in the parents conflicts, they are to take the focus off the struggles the parents are having. This is a loving and acceptable sacrifice. I have to make a comment on that one, because one of my couples that they came from quite an abusive background, but I will say the husband's was more so. He remembers that during one of his parents conflicts where often it would become physical. And his father was quite a mechanic. He ran into his bedroom and got some little cars and a little tractor, you know, those little metal ones and ran out to his dad and said, daddy, daddy, can you fix my car? Can you fix my tractor and the father of course wasn't paying any attention. But this little boy was trying to get the father's focus off the mother because he was worried it was going to become physical. How about tender feelings are an abomination. And the last one, thou shalt be emotionally independent from birth. Now this list is far from God's list. The Psalmist states that when someone has been oppressed from youth “furrows are created on his back . Every person with attachment struggles knows what those feel like. But the psalmist assures us that God has cut us free from the cords of the wicked. Then we can open wide our hearts to those who walk in the ways of the Lord. Clinically, we know from water research that being cut free from the cords of the wicked is the ability of the brain to recover from trauma. We build new brain tissue and compensate for areas of damage and under development. We may also have new experiences in later childhood, or even as adults that helped to reprogram our brain and teach us healthier ways to connect. 

I was thinking about that in terms of a man and wife and the wife had had a horrible upbringing. And he actually had been more of the primary caregiver in his family. And in his family, they were a blended family. So in his with his biological children, well, they ended up having a child together, and then they did have some grandchildren together. And as much as she was quite uptight with showing emotion, feeling like she could be close, not emotionally isolating yourself, she started to watch him with the grandchildren. Sometimes he would do those Eskimo kisses. Sometimes he would do a little post like the Pillsbury doughboy. Sometimes he grabbed their little feet and go, okay, we're going to count how many piggies, and she would just stare at him, like, like, what are you doing, he was so comfortable with attachment. However, with time, that started to be a new experience for her. And it started to help her brain to develop in a new way. And she also became a grandmother that quote, attach. And did this lead to more healing in their relationship, absolutely, it was fabulous. Relying on the Holy Spirit and power to change and to come out from the bondage of old ways of thinking, here's another place for that internal place of comfort, as the Holy Spirit to free you from the death grip of your defenses. And I would say the defenses of attachment that it has on you and to give the courage to take the first step to attach to others. How about being grafted into Jesus, because by allowing for that grafting, there will definitely be a place for a strong attachment. Jesus invites us to be bonded to him to be grafted into him to draw our nourishment from him. from that place of connection, we will regularly have times of rest and refreshment. He brings us peace, in his perfect love casts out all fear. I am the vine, you are the branches, he will abide in me and I in Him he bears much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. My Father is glorified by this that you bear much fruit and this bond we will bear fruit for our marriage and for ourselves. 

I'd like to close with this prayer. May you be strengthened in the love that He has given you for your marriage? May you grow ever deeper in your dependence upon His love, at the center vine in which you abide and flourish. May the reality of his constant presence comfort you and bring you home for each day in your marriage together. And may Your marriage be a light and the pain and darkness an example that others can follow. May your security marriage bond your secure marriage attachment be so strong, that it points others to the source of love and life, our Lord Jesus, amen.