Transcript: Worthy Marriages with a Healed Wound Base Part 02

Video Transcript: Worthy Marriages with a Healed Wound Base Part 02

This aspect of the second part of this course is dealing with interventions and healing the wound base. Because there are so many things that come up within a person, and then it will affect the couple that deal with how their body's feeling or how their emotions are being expressed. The first one I'd like to talk about is dealing with hyper arousal. This is learning how to breathe calmly and remain in a state of relative physical relaxation, even while accessing very uncomfortable memories. It's an essential tool for recovery. When you deliberately take a few slow, deep breaths, you will notice the effects of the parasympathetic break on your arousal. Now the parasympathetic nervous system is the part of our body that releases acetylcholine. And when that chemical comes into the body, our heart rate will slow down, our muscles will relax, our breathing will return to normal. And if we're not allowing that to happen, we're going to be in the fear and flight response. And that's the sympathetic nervous system. And as that happens, we're going to be tense, we're going to be feeling anxious, we might not be able to breathe, our heart rate will be very high. And that is not a place to be if we're trying to bring healing to a trauma survivor. In fact, I remember being at a John Gottman conference, and he is a psychologist that has studied the ways and the benefits to work with couples and all and many interventions that will help them in his therapy, they talked about using he and his wife, that is as the they a pulsometer, and this could be placed on the finger of the couple. And it can measure the ability or the temperature of that person and what their pulse is doing. And if the pulse rate starts to go too high, or the temperature changes drastically, that's not giving a signal of relaxation. So I tried to help the person be able to relax, to be able to feel that the minute their pulse rate comes down, then they will know we can place inside of their physical body is going to be very important before continuing to have talks about the hypo arousal. 

Now what would happen if this was taking place at home, perhaps the husband or the wife is aware, and they can see that their spouse, perhaps they wouldn't want that touch then that would have to be respectful. But even if they could sit near to them, I have noticed there are times in these more difficult sessions where I will be aware of changing my breathing, allowing myself to calm down, and it will affect the client even if I'm not specifically saying anything, right. So that the person can feel in charge of how they respond and how they conduct life. When we are triggered into states of hyper or hypo arousal, we are pushed outside our window of tolerance, the range of optimal functioning, this becomes an issue we might become reactive or disorganized our filter SAP working sights and sound and our thinking becomes sluggish. So the limbic system therapy is repairing faulty alarm systems, and restoring the emotional brain to its ordinary job of being a quiet background presence, that takes care of the housekeeping of the body, and meaning things that we would do every day and with her. Now in terms of limbic system issues. Please know that in that moment, I'm often asking couples to be very, very tolerant of each other. Because of the trigger comes up there's often something more deeper going on either husband and wife. And normally there were issues that could take place in there come to the forefront, his stress level would be very current, it might be too much going on in his work too many hours that he was having to put into his work, or too many issues that were taking place at home that caused him to feel anxious, or with events that were unmanageable. The interesting correlation is his childhood, so far when they would be very abusive to him. So he had a place in his mind where the arousal and the hyper arousal would take place. And it was always on alert, waiting. And if something came up to be the trigger, then they had come into a session and she was so upset, but then started to understand because they had been going somewhere together in the car. 

And she started to put on some Christian music and she was rocking back and forth in the car and tapping her foot and at the same time she was drinking a beverage and chewing on some ice and all of a sudden, he told her, stop, shot up, in the car that day. And he started to hear this was normal outside noise that he normally could tolerate. But because he already had a bit of a trigger in his arousal state, and that trigger was much deeper than what his wife was doing. This led us to start to do some work with the initial imprint and how his trigger was formed. And in that type of therapy, this man started to learn what to do with the issues that were causing him so much stress, like if it was work, or something at home. How about a need for mindfulness traumatized people live with seemingly unbearable sensations, they feel heartbroken and suffer from, sometimes intolerant to avoid these feelings. It makes them feel too vulnerable to even come in touch with the feelings. And even though the trauma is a thing of the past, the emotional brain keeps generating sensations that make the sufferer feel scared and helpless, and that's in the presence. And they almost don't delineate between the past or the present. It's not surprising that so many trauma survivors also use other mechanisms. 

When I have couples, where one will want to go out and do things and be around other couples and even entertain and the other will not be able to, because they all these fears come up. And they will feel way too vulnerable, when they're around other people, when they have physical sensations can be transient though, and they respond to slight shifts and body position changes and breathing, shifts in thinking, I sometimes will say, why don't we go for a walk outside, or I have a stuffed bear that is very much always present in my office. And if I can feel that they're going into that prayer then just to help the sense of calm to return. And if it's not happy in the session, especially if it's a nice beautiful day just to walk outside. There's a nice nature trail by my office, and we'll just walk around the trail a little bit, that often will stop it. But I also want to ask them, if they're willing to get in touch a bit more such as when I feel anxious, I feel a crushing sensation in my chest. So I might say focus on that sensation, and see how it changes when you take a deep breath in and release a deep breath out. Or when you tap on your chest just below the collarbone or when you allow yourself to cry. Because now there is no further abuse. practicing mindfulness calms down the sympathetic nervous system, that you are less likely to be thrown into fear of flight. Learning to observe and tolerate the physical symptoms as a prerequisite for safely revisiting the past. Once a person feels calmer, they can go back to the physical sensation, it is very unlikely that a memory might spontaneously arise in which that will have an abuse survivors say that all of a sudden they'll see the person and they are pushing down on their chest, or they feel this pressure. Now if this is an adult in the memory is as a child, and it is an abuse or lessness. So then again, I want them to come in touch with that feeling. Sometimes I'll put a blanket around them. And as they come in touch with it and realize that they are there with me, I will now remove the blanket, or I'll say hold this pillow. And as they breathe, and we pray. And we asked Jesus to allow them to now be as universally understood as touch, the Compassionate touch of a hand or a reassuring hug the bit can take away our fears, soothe our anxieties and fill the emptiness of being very much lonely. Isn't that so very true, because touch is a whole nother form of communication. Which brings us to the next point which is getting in touch. 

This is the most natural way that we humans calm down or distress is by being touched, hugged and robbed this house with excessive arousal and makes us feel in taxi protected and charged on mindful touch and movement grounds people and allows them to discover tension that they may have held for so long that they are no longer even aware of them. When you are touched. You wake up to the part of your body that has been touched and firm and reassured in touch. let someone know about their physical space, they can discover that their body is solid and they don't have to be constantly on guard. Save comfort touch lets them know that they are safe. There is an example of this that has been burned in my mind because it was so tender. And I was confronted with ethical issues that I had to deal with it. In this moment in therapy, I had been working with a male client, actually, it started out as marriage therapy. And again, there were issues that were coming up that no matter what I was trying communication techniques, prayer, spiritual support, coping strategies, things were not changing. This man was very, very passive. He was not able to become the leader for his family, the wife was making all of the decisions. She was extremely frustrated, even in a sexual intimacy. Connection, she was always the instigator, and even then sometimes he would want to withdraw. Well, is that again symptoms, secondary symptoms, signs of something deeper. He was willing then to meet with me for a few sessions alone, and started to talk to me about issues from his childhood. And it was horrible things that this man had experienced, and certainly had left an imprint, that he was not a confident man. He was not comfortable with his body. And he very much had many insecurities. As he started to talk about these issues, I became mindful that some of what he was talking about was more like a dissociative expression, I would watch him sometimes even change his voice. And I would hear this as well, his demeanor would change and his voice would change. 

Part of this was because the abuse happened when he was a child, there had been a janitor at a school that he went to, and this janitor would often coerce him or force him to go into areas that the janitor only had access to. And the things that happened then, again, were abominable, horrible. To this, this little boy who now was a grown man. He didn't remember everything, he would tell me that he would have a memory of having this man approached him and taking a hold of his shirt or his hand and bring him to a closet area. And then that was it. He wouldn't remember anything else. One day, I was sitting in my chair, and he was sitting on the couch. And as he was talking about a particular time, I watched him put his head down and shake his head. And when he looked up at me, he had these huge tears, and that little boy voice and he said, I'm so scared, will you come over me? Come over here and help me and hold me. Now I'm looking now at a man, probably six foot one 250 pounds, I certainly have to be careful about any touch that takes place with a male in my session. I don't touch that's, that's an American Psychological Association ethical guidelines. And he was asking me as a little boy, what I come to him and he said, can I sit on your lap? Now how I was going put him on my lap. Because in his mind, he had went to one of those garbage can areas where in that garbage was this memory. But he was as a little boy, again, in his mind, the best I could do is hype pulled my rocker up near to Him. And I started to pad his knee. And I said, I'm right here. I'm right here. And Jesus says right here, and we're going to right now pray and allow that you can be safe. And he talked about can I come out of the closet now. And I said Jesus, help this little boy to come out of the closet. And he saw in his mind, that closet door open. And there was a light of the Lord present. And he saw Jesus and he ran to the arms of Jesus. It was amazing. And in that moment, he was in free. And as he started then to calm down, I watched him put his head down, his eyes came up again. And he said, What happened?

Everything okay? He didn't even have memory of what it just took place. Because it was a dissociated memory. But I did explain to him, he believes me. And we continue to do work, so that he could have what we call co consciousness between his memories that were deeply hidden in his conscious mind and he continued to heal. It was, in fact, amazing healing, but that getting in touch was a part of what he needed. That that deep level, you know, relationships. They're such a part of this. It's the wiring of our brain circuits devoted to being in tune with others. recovering from trauma involves reconnecting with our fellow human beings. And you know, that really involves being connected with her husband and wife. This is why trauma that has occurred within relationships is generally more difficult to treat than trauma resulting from traffic accidents or natural disasters. While human contacted two men are the wellspring of physiological self regulation, the promise of closeness often evokes fear of getting hurt, betrayed or abandoned. So even though it's really needed to bring so much fear, because if a person is going to be close to someone that they really want to love, and they've had trauma, They're so afraid they're going to be betrayed or hurt again, unresolved trauma, and is makes a person have terrible tools on relationships, if your heart is so broken, because you were assaulted by someone you loved, you are likely to be preoccupied with not being hurt again. And so you're opening up to someone new. In fact, you may unwittingly try to hurt them before they have a chance to hurt you. And that is often the case in my marriages and supportive spouse, they're trying to understand why does my husband or wife keep pushing me away. The one who is addressing past abuse needs to see an individual therapist often who is at least trained to deal with sexual trauma, or even any as a deep physical or emotional trauma as well because it has spiritual, relational, and eternal debris. You know, an anchor is needed. And that's often what a therapist can do. Because we can be coaches, we can be that anchor with the presence of the Lord Jesus and a pastor as well. Hopefully, there is also a spouse that the person can trust to accompany them. Someone who can safely hold their feelings and help them to listen to the painful messages of the emotional brain. The partner within the marriage needs to be supportive and understanding though, and those are the key words supportive and understanding. This person will need to be available to be with you pray with you comfort to encourage you in the days ahead, except for a husband or wife. If this is going to be another person, that support person should be the same sex and deeply committed to the Lord Jesus.