Transcript: Worthy Marriages with a Healed Wound Base part 3

Video Transcript: Worthy Marriages with a Healed Wound Base Part 03

Welcome to the third class and wanted were the marriages with a healed wound base. Knowing that there is a wound base loyalty is extremely important. It is very difficult at times to understand the commitment to marriage, it's certainly as strong when the marriage first starts. But what about when issues start to come to the forefront loyalty makes the difference in what we would call masters or disasters, it is part of that component for healthy marriages. Even if our partner knew of abuse, this is a trauma I was seeking out and its simplest reports most don't. There was a profound, though understandable struggle to remain loyal, we make an oath at the very onset of our marriages to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part. Now in sickness that could include all physical, spiritual and psychological struggles. But do we really consider that. Physical would often be what the mindset would be thinking about? To say in sickness and in health, physical like if the dear spouse became disabled or ended up handicapped or ended up in a nursing home? But what about psychological that could happen well before physical struggles, and that is still the oath and that is still the loyalty. But how do we remain loyal when the foundation of the relationship feels cracked these wounds in marriage, tear off the mask of illusion, and reveal how hard it is to love. 

It should be obvious how much we need the love of God to enter these difficult waters. In fact, I don't think I could be a therapist without asking the Lord for help in these situations, when I'm working with couples, where there has been these trauma issues. The truth is that one person often needs more focus and care during this process. The supportive spouse, however, is not merely there to endure the turmoil, they'll come to my office and say I can't do this anymore. They are feeling the supportive spouse that they have to provide the stability. During the times the wind is a howling gale, or create movement when the marriage sits in the doldrums. Instead, I remind my dear couples, it is time for both husband and wife to be transformed. One person may be focused on the path toward healing, but both partners must be open to deep change. Even though the wound will be bringing issues that will speak there must be changed. The supportive spouse may be gaining strength to be patient to be more long suffering, to be more understanding, they may not be the spouse with the wound, but they will be learning skills from First Corinthians 13 in ways that they had never imagined. spouses choose each other to some degree because their way of being in the world complements their spouses, angry wives will find passive husbands controlling husbands find compliant wives, we find a partner who doesn't threaten us, or disrupt the familial history that we have learned to unconsciously manage this is what must change for both spouses. The gift of this disruptive process is that the status quo can no longer work. I know I've referred to this writer before and his name is Dr. harville Hendricks, and he wrote a book called Getting the love you want and keeping the love you find. He calls this concept, a model. A model is unconscious familiarity. So for example, say that you're at a social function. And this is in the years of wanting to find your husband or your wife, and you meet a particular woman or man at this social function. And immediately you're thinking, oh, they're very handsome, or they're very beautiful. 

But there's something deeper that speaks inside in your deepest inner resolve that says, I think I'm home. Because there will often be as a relationship starts to become more involved. And the couple finds out more about each other things that will represent their childhood. For example, a man could have had a very nurturing mother, and then he could be attracted to a nurturing wife. What if he had a mother that was quite critical? That might also be the case, because imago speaks on an unconscious level. The good news is that even with these situations, if there was a negative part from the childhood, and then that happens in the marriage as well. We've talked about this so much in this course, God will work this marriage to get through those issues as well and even heal childhood issues. How about contempt? Most abuse victims are brilliant at provoking contempt. One victim of abuse stated I have used contempt to escape the heartache and betrayal. The swirl of powerlessness and the nausea of and devil as it is easier to shield myself or provoke contempt from others and to enter the war of my own heart. In fact, if one of the spouses pushing the other away, they don't have to feel their own pain. They don't have to look at that wound. The portion of our brain that can self regulate goes offline when trauma is identified by a current relational threat, even if it's not rational. This will cause the abuse survivor to move between confusion and paranoia. As irritation grows, focuses demanding, and fear and hurt are funneled into greater anger. The concluding crescendo is anger fragments, and the meltdown is complete. 

Now, I would like to talk a little bit about what's happening in the brain there, there is a part of the brain called the basal ganglia, and the basal ganglia hold our memory. And it also can hold very strong, repeated behaviors and repeated triggers. Once that basal ganglia comes into the forefront, it attaches to the amygdala and the amygdala is the part in our brain that starts the fear and flight response. And that fear and flight response will say, danger, danger, threat, threat, it will kick in so much more quickly than what the rational brain does, which is the prefrontal cortex in the front. And in the marriage issue, if there's communication, and there starts to be an argument, maybe it's some kind of a trigger, it could involve anything from communication to sexual to children to money. If that brain gets triggered, and there's a memory that's attached to that they won't be rational anymore. And it is so difficult to have conversations, I have stopped conversation with my clients, especially a couple, because at that moment, it is no longer about just having a place to vent, the conversation can become so hurtful, that there is more trauma, just from the conversation. Now, if I stop the conversation, I'm going to do some deep breathing, I'm going to help to bring some calm, to bring some soothing ideas, maybe I'll even say, why don't we step out, take a little walk, go get a drink, I'm asking the couple to do this at home as well, because the mind will not be able to have a good healthy communication anymore. Now once the communication then begins, it could be shortly, it could be I'm asking for within 24 hours. And if this time it has better resolution, the basal ganglia goes, oh, new memory. Now I can put that memory in. And it stands next to the memory that created the irrational thought. So there is hope the good Lord made us very complicated. And with the Lord's help, the brain can receive those new memories and better communication. What must happen, though, is the hurt and the fear must be cared for through kindness. First, before any movement can be made to address the problem. Any other approach included bullying, or throwing in the towel to avoid conflict will lead to disaster and a replication of the past abuse. That's why if I did have this intensity coming into the session, and I knew it was irrational, and I've had one of the spouses leave the office and say, I'm out of here, I'm not coming back, I'm done with this relationship. They'll go to their car, no office start to pray. And I'll say, Lord, I'm going to allow this because it is their choice. But I'm praying that you will turn this situation around and allow them to know that this can still be a safe place. 

Now that's what I'm doing as therapists, a pastor could do the same thing. And nine times out of 10, all of a sudden, there's a knock on the door, and there they are back. It's the same concept at home. If that happens at home, and there's that much frustration and trigger and irrationality, and even if your spouse says I'm out of here, and I'm not coming back or I'm filing for divorce, pray and continue to send in your heart through prayer to your spouse messages that you love them and of kindness. And often they will return and want to finish the conversation or it might not be to say they are sorry, but at least return and you can tell that they are calm down. Marriage is a relationship that is intended to be a place where we are naked and know no shame. In a fallen world we will always struggle to some degree with shame but marriage is the place where our past shame is most exposed and available for healing. Tragically, though many marriage relationships deepen past shame, rather than heal it. Satan wants marriages to have feelings of hopelessness and an inability to change. The root of this lie is a stronghold of shame, a state of being that cripples and destroys appealing to that sense of permanent unworthiness, the evil one sends a barrage of lies such as, what was done to you, or you are doing is so bad, you will never be forgiven, you have struggled with this memory or sin for so long that there can never be freedom, what you experienced or you are doing is so ugly that your spouse will reject you and never love you. Or it is your spouse is going to keep on doing this and they will never change, and they will always hurt you. Over time, shame becomes a state of being that eventually leaves the tree of life and the wellspring of the marriage desolate, I had one couple that the shame was so strong. And the man had been very viciously and violently abused by a very angry alcoholic father in his early childhood years. 

How he would protect himself is whenever there were triggering arguments, he would find some way to blame a situation to blame his wife, to blame the children to blame money. And it was hard to really have a conversation to get past that. They were in church on a particular Sunday, and we had been working in it with this issue in therapy. And the pastor talked about how there was a need to be able to get in touch with the part that we need to own and be able to be completely honest. He looked over at his wife while they were sitting in the pews. And he said, Did you hear that? And she said figures, and she was a little bit testy. Because she was used to that, that it would be about she needed to listen to the sermon. And that's usually how it was. And there was not the ability because of his shame, to hear where he might need to look at issues that were causing some of the problems in their relationship. So she then didn't say anything else, bless her heart, because she could have said much more and they got in the car. And he looked at her and he said, I wanted to clarify something. I was a little bit being a bit of a tease. When I said to you, did you hear that? I want you to know that really, there are many issues. And the reason I can't talk about some of these is because I do feel quite insecure, underneath. She almost had to pull her jaw up as to what she told me off the bottom of the floor in the car because he had never been quite so honest and quite so vulnerable. That created change that then came into our therapy, where we started to talk more honestly, about what both of them were bringing to the table, and how there could be healing, just being able to be that vulnerable when underneath the shame. And actually, she came to the next session. And she said I want you to know, she asked her husband for this permission. I would like to start with telling you, Christine about what happened at church last Sunday. Because the statement that took place in the car after the sermon, I had more respect for my husband and I had had in a such a long time. And it makes such a difference in where we went in therapy, because he heard that she had respect. And it was when he was vulnerable. It went beyond the shame. It was amazing. 

Now when I talk about getting beyond this shame, I often will recognize and as a couple to say this prayer together, I would actually ask if the husband would say it out loud and could then just hold the hand of his wife because it's coming against some of that attack, where they can't be that honest with each other and can't let go of the shame or sin. 

Dear God thank you for today. Thank you for my life and my wife's life. I ask you to protect us from the schemes of the devil. He has been trying to distract us frustrated and tempt us to sin against each other. Holy Spirit helped us to be able to resist the devil and plead temptation and moments of weakness. Please help us to give each other grace and forgiveness. Help us to support each other and keep each other accountable on a daily basis. Please make me aware of any sin that is in me and give me the strength to repent and never return to it. If my wife has sin, please encourage her to repent of it as well so that we can have perfect standing with you and each other. We desire to have a holy marriage in Jesus name, amen. 

I remember that particular couple reading this prayer and the man said, I know that what I need to repent of is that I cannot take the shame and turn it into blame to others. And the wife said I know what I need to repent of as I am quick to get sarcastic or testy. It made such a difference. Now on healing the shame that binds you in the marriage I have a couple of exercises that I wanted to give and as the pastor's will be taking this class is so nice to give hands on tangible things for couples to do. The following exercise is three fold and one will allow for taking charge of self talk and also to produce an affirmation, the practice of speaking God's truth is imperative. The practice can involve blessing themselves and each other, looking at themselves in the mirror and also looking at each other as a couple and speaking love to themselves and also love as a couple. These words are especially helpful when spoken to any part of themselves or to the spouse against to watch, they have a particular grudge. I like to use the letters on special. And in this when I say the letters of special, I asked if there's been this kind of burden in the relationship. And then when the spouse or their mate as alone, they start to think with great anks or anger against their spouse, I can't believe they did that again. I don't even know if I want to be married I start to think are they special? Are they special to the Lord God, they are a saint. And there's your scripture to look up. They are a priest, and I am a priest or a prince or a princess. They are an enemy against Satan, and I am as well. We are God's child, First Peter five, eight, they are a child of God, a citizen of heaven. Galatians Ephesians John, they are in Christ in God and I am in Christ and God. They are adopted son and daughter alien to this world. Ephesians one, five, and First Peter 2 to 11. And they and I are light of the world. Matthew 5:14. Just using these thoughts of your mate being special and that you know that you are special, we'll start to change the thought processes, if there is that anks going on. And there's that critical spirit, or that contempt spear against your spouse. Also, there's a book, John Bradshaw's book called healing the shame that binds you. It provides seven things we can do to make positive self talk work for us work with the same affirmation every day. The Best Times are just before sleeping before starting the day. And especially whenever there's that feeling of being bummed out, write down the affirmations, 10 to 20 times. And these affirmations can be different things that you would believe about yourself or maybe want to believe I am a happy person, I have a very kind heart. Or it could be affirmations that you know, are truth based on God's word. I just said, seven of them was special. 

Now say and write each affirmation to yourself in the first, second and third person as fouls. The more I The more you the more she or he everyone though, is your name. Because remember, often, that these traumatic experiences and these traumatic memories happen in the second or third person, it could be a parent, it could be a sibling, it could have been a child on the playground that was bullying you It could be a spouse, sometimes it is your own self saying it to your own self a put down. So that's why it's important to do this and all three the first, second and third person. Continue working with the affirmations daily outcome till they become totally integrated in your consciousness. Record your affirmations on your phone and play them back when you can look in the mirror and say the affirmations out loud to yourself. Keep saying them until you are able to see yourself with a relaxed happy expression. keep seeing them until you eliminate all facial tension and grimaces. I often have asked if I can tell that one of the couples struggling more with how they see themselves based on their wounds. if they'll do this exercise, I usually can get them to agree to say the affirmations. But to look in the mirror is extremely difficult. Because there's something about looking into your own eyes. It brings a connection to the inner places of your deepest soul and spirit. And that brings healing. It isn't always easy, though. But it can be very powerful. I had shared in one of the classes how I had to do that. When I had my severe panic attacks. And I had to look in the mirror and go, Christine, Jesus is here, Christine, that's going to be okay. And you will be able to feel the Lord's presence. That's what started to call me down. Now, using the visualizations with your affirmations is often to be able to envision more of a peaceful scene. It might be waking up in the morning and maybe there was a fight with your spouse a night before. And you're thinking I know I should get to the mirror. I should say these things because I'm not doing very well this morning. But you can all you can think about is the night before. What if you visualize in your mind the last time you were taking a walk with your spouse and we're holding hands. It probably wasn't the night before. 

But if you allow your mind to go there, you'll be able to get to a place to do the affirmations. Both spouses need need to be grounded in God and aware of his or her own war with shame. These experiences come with being human, and living in a fallen world. The more we ponder, right and talk about these issues, the greater the common ground. Another I have this thing about mirrors, sit in front of the mirror together. But now this would be as a couple, and plays a wedding picture on either who can be the husband's lap or the wife's lap, and face the mayor, state out loud to each other, all of the reasons that you were brought together and the day of your holy matrimony, you could even start when I look at this wedding picture, this is what I am reminded of this starts to bring a place where calm and commitment and the original oath that was made till death do you part is brought to the forefront again. And this is an exercise to bring that to the place of prefrontal very much working memory. And it makes it tangible. How about find the childhood picture and write a letter to the child which is your spouse, and state commitment and comfort to this child. And with each day forward? It was interesting, in one of my couple experiences, there had been some unfaithfulness by a wife and the husband, when he found out was one of the angriest sessions that I had ever had with them. And understandably, from that day forward, he became extremely obsessive. In terms of his controlling, he had GPS on her car, he put a tracker on her phone, he pretty much demanded that she go off Facebook. Now part of that I knew where he was coming from. But it became such an issue of being like he was the parent and she was the child. That started to be counterproductive. And it was that she was still this child. But I could see that she was working on the relationship. She had given him all her passwords, she had showed that there was no further contact with this person. 

She had, again committed to their relationship verbally and with our pastor, and she was coming to therapy, the turning point when he started to not be so excessively controlling, because I asked her to bring a picture of herself as a little girl. And I asked him to write a letter to that little girl, and that she would respond. He, then started to see that part of the reason that she did what she did was wounds from her past, and still wounds in their marriage. And he could then start to see her more vulnerable, and he was no longer so angry. In fact, he started to be much more loving and understanding to her, it was amazing. How about creating a past card, which could be a word of symbol or a touch. This past card allows for a break or a time out when the conversations could become so with anger, and this conversation could take place at a later time that has more ability to have proactive dialogue. The past card could just be holding up a white car, the word could be a word as simple as happiness, or as movie or the touch could be something that is a little out of the ordinary. Maybe it's pulling the ear. And when that touch is seen or that expression is given. It means Okay, we need to think about having more of a productive dialogue. Let's ask Jesus to help us create a prayer together that can be said we just read a prayer earlier that would be very helpful either out loud or silently and reflect the invitation of the Lord Jesus to provide insight and clarity and protection for every aspect of your marriage relationship. You know, too often we underestimate the power of a touch or a smile or a kind word. Notice I asked for a cue word. Or maybe it would be a listening ear and earnest accomplishment are the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn these difficult situations around. And I'd like to now highlight again, just a couple of what these more difficult situations would be. This one is called triggering. One of the effects of post traumatic stress is intense and at times extreme responses to things that don't seem that big of a deal to others. Remember how I talked earlier about the basal ganglia and the amygdala. This is exactly what could be happening. The abused spouse needs grounding. They need soothing kindness and a willingness to hold the tension and volatility without the fear demand for resolve. 

Triggers are not something that logic or rational argument will resolve in time. triggers that are understood and engaged with tender care will lessen in severity. Often the supportive spouse as accuser is treated like the abuser how very painful. Married to an abuse victim because you are the supportive spouse and not wanting to be the abuser is never your intent. Frequently, the supportive spouse will come to feel intense anger toward the abuser and the family of origin that enabled the abuser to do harm. And now their spouse has all of this fallout. However, it is almost a rule of thumb, that the one arm protects the family of origin and the abuser from confrontation or even disclosure of the abuse. A wise spouse will take a stance of openness, curiosity and exploration of the perceived harm. Usually, there's something true in every accusation or why spouse will own it, consider its effect on his or her spouse and then grieve the harm done. I'll give you an example here. You can read about this, and I'll expound on it a bit. A husband was driven crazy when his wife continued to cover the profound denial of her family and finally admitted that he was exasperated. He did admit this, and he stayed his anger and desire to drag her kicking and screaming into the truth, even at the risk of triggering an avalanche of turmoil in our family. You see, what was so important to him is that she see the truth, there were issues when they would go over to her family's house, it would cause a lot of fear inside of her, she'd come home and have these very negative emotions for quite a few days, the children of this husband, his wife no longer wanted to go there, because there was so much dysfunction. However, he could not talk about it. If he tried, she would get so upset, and say that he didn't understand and he didn't care about her family, and he wasn't supportive. It was extremely difficult. 

He tried to understand and like I'm saying at first, his confession allowed her to blame him even more for the unhappiness that resulted when they visited her family. He did not deny or defend themselves against her accusation. And fact, after an extended period of time, this is hypothetically what would happen he asked for help. And knowing how to respond when her radically distorted data or outright lie about a situation came up. So instead of trying to convince her about her family, and they were unhealthy or irrational, he would just say, what would you help me understand? How can I help? What would be the best way when we go to your family to have a plan that I can support you. And that didn't mean he was getting involved with any of the unhealthiness. But just to hold her hand if she needed it, to walk outside if she needed it, to know they might have a timeframe that they would abide by, he could take a posture of kindness and honor that did not back off from the truth or demand his view of the truth be preeminent. After months away slowly acknowledge her own frustration. She eventually opened the door to consider to talk about how he did see the situation, because he had then now been in more kindness to her. Now how about sabotage that's an act that is designed to threaten discourage or tear down the marriage by harm directed against property self or the other. sabotage by a spouse who has been abused is by far one of the most difficult parts of a victimized marriage. The saboteur eventually meltdown and shame, the victim of the sabotage feels confused her and set up the saboteur relinquishes the power of her only if he or she feels his or her own grief. I think that would be only if they can become more vulnerable. That'd be another way to explain, he or she must open his or her heart to the sorrow of Jesus, and receive from him his tears and delight. It is then that the sabotage can be sabotage. This requires the presence of a strong man or woman that would be the supportive spouse who knows how to set boundaries and limit even greater harm, and still have kindness and calm. This is not usually require direct intervention. Instead, what is most helpful is the ability to remain calm, aware, and that add to the frenzy. 

Now I will say notice this does not usually there are some cases that it becomes very physically assaultive that there could have to be direct intervention. But I would like to give a couple examples of more what I would see in therapy. And I think in a married therapy with a pastor would be seen the sabotage against self that could be the self cutting, that could be self destruction to the body. I remember I was working with a couple and when the husband came home, there'd been a particular day that it was really hard for the wife some stresses with the children some stresses when she was paying bills, some stresses with an elderly parent that was very ill and probably close to passing away. To handle that because she had a very traumatic background. She did not have a high tolerance for the emotional stresses. So that's a distress tolerance that she did not have a high tolerance of she actually did some cutting. And when she came home, she had all these bandages, and a couple of the cuts on her arm. They were still apparent and they were quite raw and looked very much painful. 

The husband did make a comment and she did Tell him about it. He immediately talked with kindness. And he said, I am so sorry. And I am so sorry for your body. And that this had to be something to be experienced by the body and by your emotions. He asked her if they could discuss this with me at the next session, which was the next day, they came to the session. And I was so thankful because I had some non fragrance cream that had a bit of bacterial ointment in it in my purse. And she allowed that we could embark in a small part of our therapy were some cream was taken. First, she allowed me and then she allowed the husband to place a bit of that cream. And you talk about having new memories in our basal ganglia. It gave the body a new experience. And it stopped the sabotage, it brought it down immensely, because they actually started to do that at home. Sometimes she would say to the husband, I think I need you to come over and put some cream. And this was even before she caught because it started to be a connection for them. And she started to feel support. That was amazing. Another aspect of sabotage can be to the other, this would be to the other spouse. And this can be to the supportive spouse. So very, very difficult. I had a male spouse who had been extremely hurt by his mother, she was a very verbally abusive and non nurturing to him. And then he had went into a marriage where a wife had totally taken them to the brink of financial disaster, and had called the police and then unfairness of accusations that almost put this man in prison because the accusations had been sexual. But it ended up not coming to any fruition. However, when he got married to the woman that I know was working with, he had a lot of issues with trust. If there was issues of triggers that came up and sabotage was felt, he would then often say, and there you go, you're just like the other women. And I bet you, it's going to be a matter of time, and you're going to be calling the police on me too.

And that certainly was not the case, that at the time, they came into therapy with me, they'd been married in their second marriage for 10 years. And I remember she would stay very calm. And she would say, I just want you to know that I will continue to be a woman in your life that is going to break that pattern of thought, and will show you God's love, then the only way that she could do that is because the Lord God was helping her. And then he would calm down. And he would say, I know, there are signs I now that it was almost like I could watch him go from that hijack into his amygdala back to the more concrete thought. But what helped him do that as his wife stayed calm. And she reassured him, even though there were times that he would sabotage by talking against her. And that wasn't even what was true. So once the storm subsides, this is when grief on the part of the supportive spouse not shame, withdrawal or counsel can enable the abuse spouse to discover his or her capacity to feel sorrow and compassion for the part of him or herself that could find control only by losing it. For the abuse spouse or the need to reverse a tendency to cause harm. And this harm will be working against our true heart, there's a need to ask Jesus to stand against the curse, that may have likely been set against him or herself. Sometimes when these patterns started at a very early place, it might have been the cutting as a way to try to control the craziness of a child or a teenager's life. Or maybe it would be these verbal barrages of abuse, because this particular spouse has felt so much hurt and then they'll put it on their current spouse, which is not true. It's like a curse. 

So I will ask the left say this prayer together, and the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I bind all triggers and conditioning related to and as the counselor as a pastor, working to identify what those might be the traumas, the abuses, the past hurts, previous relationships, and then what the mind is doing. I break down the conditioning with its power in my life and command it has to leave me I take charge of my mind will and emotions and bind and give myself totally to the Lord Jesus Christ to do His will. You know, a person who truly loves you will never stop believing in you and will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation is. And that is your spouse, and that is what we do as the counselor in the pastor's. We give that encouragement, and we ask the Lord, for us to instill in them that they can be that person, as truly the Lord God is that person. How about this as a glorious marriage epilogues. The deepest marriages like the relationships that come out of war, are ones in which spouses have fought, bled, suffered and sometimes died together. Not only is there bonding that comes from suffering, but far more. It is there in the celebration of the gift that we are waking up together having lived through another day. The fruit of this labor will not merely be our own healing, renewed and revitalized marriage is one of the greatest weapons God has to do war against the kingdom of darkness. Thank you