Transcript: Gender Differences part 1

Video Transcript: Gender Differences Part 01

Welcome to the class on male female differences or similarities. And I want you to know this might be the shortest class that I've presented in terms of time frame, but certainly was still very much needed information in terms of success for marriage. At the very beginning of history, God said, let us make mankind in our image. So God created mankind in His own image in the image of God, He created them male and female, he created them Genesis 1:26, and 27. It was God's plan right from the very getgo to make us different from each other from the moment he imagined us. The original plan was to use these differences as a starting point for building intimate, fulfilling relationships. Unfortunately, what started as an advantage has turned out to be a universal source of frustration. Is it possible to make too much of the differences between men and women, but is it also possible to make the opposite mistake? If you want to have relationships that add to your life rather than make you exhausted? It seems as a place to start is with an understanding of the uniqueness each gender brings to relationship? You know that it is said that opposites attract? Well, men and women right from the beginning has some opposite characteristics. I often say to my couples, I wonder if it was a little bit of a joke from the Lord, because I'd want to go to heaven someday and say, what was this about man and woman and trying to understand each other? And then I think in my mind, the minute that I walk through that heavenly gate, and I see my Lord Jesus, I'll just have all those answers. 

But sometimes I do think it was a little bit ironic. Here we go. How are we going to hear each other? What are those differences going to look like? How do we propel our conversation, I'm going to start with some ideas, what men say about women and what women say about men. The first thing that women say about men is they don't share their feelings or emotions enough, it's like they grew up emotionally handicapped. It is found in the research that actually mothers will show more emotions to girls. And they'll do things like which is good to do, and be a little bit more interactive with words and, and emotions on that playing field with their daughters. And almost with the boys, it's like, hey, they're big guy, big guy, there's a little bit of a difference right from the getgo and how those emotions are expressed between male and female. Also, women say that men seem to go into a trance when they're watching sports, or when certain subjects are brought up, they're not able to handle more than one task or subject at a time. I'm going to explain a little bit more about that later in this class, because we're going to call it the boxes that men thinking and how that is interpreted by their wife, or by a female. Also, men seem to think that they can do things better even when they can't, and they won't take advice, even if it helps them. I'll give an example. My dear son in law, he was having to get ready to sell his home as he and my daughter were going to be upgrading to a different home. And there was a slider in the kitchen area that had been put in at the beginning of the home. And actually, when he had done some framing on the slider, something happened with the ability for it to go smoothly. And it never did open very smoothly. It was like inking to just get it open. And that was like that for a long time a few years. Now, my dear son in law is amazing. I mean, and he's in landscape, he does all kinds of things with design, that my husband and I could not even begin to think to do his areas of expertise, his direction, we love to go with him because my husband, I get lost. Now we have a male female similarity there. And our son in law is amazing. My husband is incredibly mechanically inclined. And one day he walked into the house and he had said to our son in law, let me look at that. I think I can do a few things to make that slider run a little bit smoother and come open without any problem. My son in law didn't want to accept that or he never really said okay, so of course we want to be respectful. And we did not say another word. This is an example. Men have a hard time accepting help, especially if it's something that they sort of can do. Maybe if even if somebody could do it a little bit better. It's very difficult to accept how well when they get ready to sell the house the realtor said that slider has to be looked at. Then he called my husband's bless his heart. My husband came over and within 15 minutes It was fixed.

And at that point, this have been a couple year deal. That's how quickly it could be fixed. So sometimes I'm just trying to assess if that could be addressed, because men and women could help each other. But again, women don't see men accepting that. They also say they don't listen, well. They're always trying to fix our problems. Women want empathy, they would rather have the ability for their husband just to listen. And if they would like a solution, I then suggest to my women, please ask, sometimes I think a man wants to fix things, because it's how God has made him he is a fixer. He's more of a task orientated. And also it helps him to feel that he might be able to influence his wife's mood. If he can come up with an idea, maybe she'll calm down, maybe she'll not be as upset. However, listening to the wife can be just as effective to help her calm down and not be as upset. Also, women say men need more intuition, get off the factual bandwagon. Well, interestingly enough, as a little boy's brain is being developed, the left side of their brain does develop first, and that is the part of the brain that handles visual, spatial and logical. So they definitely have more of a propensity to be on the factual bandwagon. The women also say men need to learn to enjoy shopping like we do, they just don't know what they're missing. 

I think that's a little bit of a pun, because there are some women that maybe don't shop as much and some men that actually do. But I do see this come up, where there are humans about money being spent, it might not be going to the shopping malls. But what I find that women do is they'll go online, a lot more than men do to make purchases. women say men need more sensitivity, concern, compassion, and empathy. And again, that might be more towards the right brain. And that could be a little bit more difficult. And especially if the man is not in that box. At that point, we'll be talking about that. And also, I wish men were not so threatened by women's ideas and perspectives. Sometimes I believe men would say I did not ask for that. An example would be in our organization, compassionate Christian counseling. We have just opened up a satellite office here in Michigan. It is about 35 minutes from our home based office. And again, with my husband being so mechanical, he has done amazing things there with refurbishing and bringing this office up to date, adding new walls, soundproofing, painting, new ceilings, things like that. All the big picture I walked in the other day, and I walked into an office, and I noticed that there was a little drywall that was around the frame of the door. And that was the first thing that I asked him about, even though so much else had been done. He did not ask for that information. Now, I don't know if that was so much he was threatened. But I do know, that is still a male female difference, because I noticed something more specific there. And it was a different idea than what he had. Maybe it's a little less than Christine difference. But we definitely got through what, and eventually I was shown around the whole office to see everything that had been done. So that was wonderful. How about they're so over involved in their work and career. Now again, I would talk about this as a way a man is made by our Lord God. John Eldridge writes a book and it's called Wild at Heart. And I might have referenced this in one of my other classes, but he identifies three areas of a man that are inherent inside of him as a created man from the Lord God. And that is a desire to have a princess to pursue. And that is also that he wants to have adventure and he wants to provide now in that realm of providing it can be and will look like his working career is very important. And when he's in that box, he will be saying I am caring about my family. I am providing for my family. However, it may not look like there is the direct involvement. So that is definitely a male female difference. Sometimes I'm watching my women create that for the family, and they will have plans for the man when he is awesome work to become more involved because that brings the man to that box. How about sex?

That's a key word women would say for their men. Don't they think about anything else or like a microwave oven push the button and they are cooking. Their on button is never off. I had a couple the other day. And we kind of got into this discussion. They towards the end of their evening got into an argument and it was over some outdoor work that needed to be done in terms of some landscaping in the husband hadn't gotten to it yet. And some of it needed more muscle power than the wife could do. And it became a little bit heated, and from how I could interpret their conversation, it was not resolved. Well, within the next half an hour, they went to bed. And as they got into bed, he leaned over anywhere, hey honey, and tried to allow for a little affection and a little sexual intimacy, she looked at him and said, I cannot believe you're thinking about this. We just had an argument. The difference there is that's more two separate boxes, he had moved to his box, which was now in bed with his wife, he certainly wasn't thinking about the landscaping anymore. But she thinks not in boxes she thinks like a spaghetti plate. All these noodles were interwoven. So she definitely was thinking about both. And with with the lack of resolution from the argument, the wife wasn't able to get to intimacy. So that became a whole topic for discussion. Because it was definitely a difference between the male female. How about when men say about women, they're too emotional. They need to be more logical. Interestingly, now, as girls develop the first side that develops in their brain is the right side. This leads to vocabulary, pronunciation, reading earlier, talking, and better memory. And they're going to want to talk and explore and feel. Men will say, how can they spend so much talking? When it said it said, so many of them are expanders, I wish they would just get to the bottom line quicker, and at least identify the subject. You know, that just happened this morning. 

I stopped at my office before coming here to tape this class, because I was taking up some material. And my husband was at the desk along with one of our office clerical staff and the office, clerical staff asked us about a conversation that took place yesterday with one of our contractors. And the minute that she asked, it was about sharing some of what I do in my counseling ministry that has been proven to be successful and praiseworthy and of the Lord. And I went into this big explanation of different things that I've learned over the years. And all of a sudden, my husband said, did she answer your question, how that conversation went? And I went, Oh, I have expounded. And I have been an expander right now. And immediately, my office clerical staff, dear lady said, and I totally understand. But that was the difference right then. Then men will say, why did they cry so easy. It does not make sense to me. I'll be seen in a session. And often if the wife starts to cry, sometimes I've had men excused themselves and have to go to the bathroom. Now I'm okay with that. But I usually will address it when the husband comes back. And I'll work with it. I'll say, what's happening right now, as you're watching your wife cry, I don't know what to do. That's why that's why we're here. I guess she can cry. And I'll say, well, how about if I help with that? I'd like you to move a little bit closer. Just take her hand. And they usually do if they can have that bit of coaching. And I say how about getting the kleenex box and handing her the tissue. And the minute that we start having that type of interaction, I watched both of them calm down. And remember when I talk about these issues, it's not 100% with everyone remember that? Definitely there could be some men that could cry easier, or I'm just talking overall, this could be still some percentage wise, male female differences. Also, women will say, or what men will say about their women, I think most women are shopaholics their eyes glaze over when they see a shopping mall. And like I said, sometimes when they get the check statements, and they look online, and they're like, where did this money go? And why is PayPal being used again, and that becomes an issue about finances in relationships because women would be more at risk. When men say also is that women are very changeable. I wish they would make up their minds and then keep them made up. why that might happen is because if women I'm asking you to envision that the way they express is more like spaghetti, and it's all intertwined as they will think about everything.

I had the unfortunate experience to share of, because our practice has grown, for the first time, in 10 years, there was a clerical staff person that I had to let go. And it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. There was a number of steps that led to that. There was a HIPA violation it I definitely had reasons that this had to take place. But as I was preparing for this to happen, I was thinking, how is this going to affect the family? Well, maybe if this could happen, then we wouldn't have to let this office clerical person be relieved of their duties? And what are the other therapists going to think about this? And if anybody in the public asked questions, how would we answer, and my husband who serves as a business manager, looked at the evidence and said, this evidence and and this date, and this reason this person will be let go. And he would look at me, like, you're bringing all these things up. That's why it might appear that the mind is changeable, because the woman is thinking, with all the aspects of spaghetti, and everything that would be connected, actually, women and men and my husband and I working in a position of both being leaders in this organization can help because we do complement the way we will think about things, then the men will say, maybe they think we can read minds, but we can't. And I don't think they can either. And so I say to the husbands, so please ask her to speak and listen. Because even if she does have that thought, I can't believe he doesn't know as this is what I want. And if you're sensing because often husbands will sense a mood issue. 

Or they'll sense that their wife is upset, please ask her. Because that will be an incredible gift to her. If she's asked what might be bothering her and has an opportunity to speak. And then the men would say what's wrong with the sex drive sexist crate, only they don't have that much interest, it takes forever to get them interested. And again, that is because of the interconnection, the emotional side, feeling that closeness to her husband, knowing that they've had some good experiences and good conversation will all lead to great intimacy, because all parts of their relationship will be intertwined. It will not be just one box for the woman. And then the men say they think they have the spiritual gift of changing men. You know, I would certainly say to my wives, it is not fair to try to change your husband. But I also am going to affirm my wives for their special intuition. They often can sense things. And they sense things very accurately. Maybe that's why they're wanting some change. I would say, how about speaking about bringing the Lord, to bring insight about aspects of the relationship and even with aspects for your husband, when men say also they ought to quit, we can't be fixed, and we don't need to be. And again, I think it could be some intuition going on with those issues. They'll want to intervene, they'll want relationships to be healthier. It's not healthy to act like it's going to be about fixing. It's about expanding and growing. And in that growth process, sometimes change can take place. They're also saying there they're so involved with other people and their problems. Why do they do that? My husband will also often say if we're out and about a couple summers ago, we went to an art fair, that was huge. And I don't think it was his favorite thing to do. It was almost like going shopping. But he did go with me the gift that we give and compromise. And there were different times as we were looking at different booths that I would end up talking to people and talking and learning quite a bit about who they were, and he would just look at me. And then at one point, we went to a picnic table and bought some lunch with or at one of the venues. And this dear lady was sitting next to me and I found out all about her family and their hurts, because she had lost a son recently and again. She was like I thought we were going to the art fair. What part of that is about is that it is very much a woman to be interactional with others and to speak and to be very verbal, and often that just takes place. If it is her gifting and the Lord is using that, then I'm asking the husband try to see it through the Lord's eyes. And is this something right now that she's letting her light shine?

And then that's that's a good thing for Jesus. Sometimes my men will say women are moody and negative you can't satisfy them, that's there's a possibility of that because of the entanglement of the spaghetti. There are all kinds of things that they are thinking about. When a woman can express, and when a woman can be heard, and when a woman could be held, and just be comforted, they will not be moody and negative, that will start to change. And the man might say, I wish they would leave some things alone. They're always trying to fix something, and it isn't even broken. Could that again be that intuition? I remember, a couple came, and they were talking about an incredible prayer session that they had had the week before. And I said, oh, you mean together an incredible per session? No, it was with our son in law. And I said, well, that's wonderful. I said, would you be willing to share, and they had been invited over to dinner to their daughter and son in law. And as they walked in, the wife immediately saw something in the son in law's eyes. And I mean, the husband, he just sat down, he was playing with her dog. I mean, didn't notice anything. And the wife said to the son in law, are you okay? I see something in your eyes. And he immediately said, mom, I've been having some really bad nightmares. And it's been a lot of stress at work. And she said, why don't we have some prayer time tonight. And that's what led to the healing prayer. And the son in law and daughter felt very supported. And of course, the husband did join in for that prayer time. But it was the intuition. Yes, of the wife. 

Now, he didn't sense that anything was broken, or anything was going on with a son in law. But she did. And then they ended up having that wonderful prayer. I ended up finding a couple of pictures that just are humorous in terms of male female differences. But it is very true women will often packed and it's for, it seems like the whole year, and maybe they'll be just going for a weekend. Whenever we go on a trip, my husband now he makes me weigh my suitcase, because I so often and over the 50 pounds. And he'll always say to me, Chris, can you just cut back a little bit? Because what if we want to get a couple things in vacation? And I'm like, what, I need this and this and this, it usually becomes a bit of an argument. And he'll have a really small suitcase, and probably then packing in like a half an hour. And I'm usually taking a couple different evenings. Definitely male female difference. How about sleeping in the bed? often does this happen? My men will say to me, I am squished up on my side of the bed. And I don't have any room. Now part of that, I do think that the woman does like the comfort, you know, and she'll often want to be close to her husband, even if it's just her leg underneath the covers, and her toe was touching his leg. But definitely women could be more bed huggers. And how about computer issues? Oh, my goodness, this is so true. 

When we have we just hired some new office clerical staff in the one gal was given the direction by my husband to clean up the desktop. Because his desktop is always very organized. And he has certain files that he can open with with the information. And he has certain things that are in the cloud. And this is what the desktop will look like that was out in the main area where we have female office clerical staff. But interestingly enough, if you walk in as a client, and the first thing that is seen when you walk into our office is there's two desk areas with two females and the desk areas look fabulous. I mean, there's a container for the pens, there's a container for the paper clips, and there's a container for the folders and all the business cards are there with the contractors, everything is very organized. And then if you step into the next room, this is where the business and all the billing is done. And that's where my husband's desk is you can't see my husband, through his desk, there are papers all over. And we all just smile, because it's amazing how he knows where everything is, but you can't find the desk. Now that is definitely male female difference. And I think the last one I'll share I didn't really have a picture for it is often men and women will see themselves differently. I mean, they can even look in the mirror. And I'll have a woman that by, by world standards by God's design is very beautiful. And she'll look in the mirror especially a full length mirror and she will go, boy I'm fat. And she's not she's just an average very much nicely built. And I could have a husband look in the mirror, and perhaps his body's changing a little bit. You know, maybe even getting a little bit as we all can a little bit punchy around the abdomen, but he'll look in that mirror and he's going like this. And, you know, and with his muscles, and I had a husband the other day, he had gotten out some pictures of when he was a bit younger, and much more slimmer. And he goes, I still think about that, that that's what I look like. And then I see a picture of myself, and this is what I look like quite a few pounds. That wasn't the struggle for the wife, she was very hard on herself. And even though she had probably not even gained as much weight from her earlier years, she was very hard on herself every time she looked in that mirror. So that again, is a male female difference, and how do we give compliments to our spouse so that they feel that we can still find them lovely, and certainly as God created them. So thank you for the first part of this class.