Transcript: Gender Differences part 2

Video Transcript: Gender Differences Part 02

Welcome, this is the second class for the male female differences or similarities. And I'm going to be talking a little bit more about some statistics. There was a 2005 analysis of 46 metal analyses that were conducted during the last two decades of the 20th century. And this was underscoring that men and women can be basically alike 78% of the time, but 22% of the time, they are not the same. This was some research conducted by psychologists Janice shibley, hide of the University of Wisconsin Madison. And this research was helpful, because it was Dr. Hyde's hope that this data could be useful to alleviate any misunderstandings and correct unequal treatment regarding sexes. So then, in September of 2005, a press release came out. On her research, it was issued by the American Psychological Association, where she said that claims of gender differences can hurt women's opportunities in the workplace, it can dissuade couples from trying to resolve conflict and communication problems, and cause unnecessary obstacles that hurt children adolescent self esteem. Thus, this study was a strong focus on the similarities. Now I understand where she was coming from, because I don't want men and women to use that as a cop out, well, I can't do that because I think like a man, or I shouldn't be having to do that or think like that, because I'm going to be thinking like a woman. However, because it is still a percentage, even if it is a bit smaller, that there are statistically differences. And if these differences are there, and they arise, it can cause havoc. So that's why this class is looking at the differences between male and females. And there we go, how about looking actually inside of their brains. In a brain, there is a section that connects the left and the right hemispheres, it's a bundle of nerves. The technical name is corpus callosum. And there are about 40% more of these nerve fibers in girls and boys. This means those women are able to use both sides of the brain at the same time, whereas men have to switch from one side of the brain to the other, depending upon what they need. Now, that's part of the reason that men operate more inboxes because it doesn't slow as quickly to go to a completely different topic area. Now, the extra connective tissue also on girls is a reason why they develop language skills earlier, and how they'll want to verbalize and express and they will continue. I know my dear man that will continue all throughout their adulthood. A man's brain is geared to develop special skills. 

That is why throughout his life, he wants to do something about it. That's why a woman's going to be quicker to talk about her feelings, and a man is going to be quicker to do something about it. I know often, if my husband and I had a conflict, I really am looking for the opportunity to resolve that and have some discussion. And you know, often what my husband will do, is, I'll find that something around the house that I've wanted to have done or fixed it all of a sudden be fixed. Or I'll be at work and one of the favorite things is he'll go it's a little restaurant here that has delicious pies. And it's called Grand Traverse pie company. And he'll bring me either a piece of pie or a rice krispie treat, because he is doing something about it. And I want to talk about it. So we've continued to find ways to balance both of those women can turn into everything going on around them, a wife can handle five hectic activities at one time, while her husband is reading the magazine totally oblivious to the various problems going down. Right under his nose. She can juggle more items, but can be distracted more easily as well. That's definitely a difference. I'll give you an example. I had a couple come in. And it started out that the wife was very upset. She was telling me that her husband did not pay attention. And he didn't make her feel like she had priority in his life at all. He was a very hard worker had an upper management job. When he came home, he would usually flip on a sports channel or he start reading his book. Now remember, both of those are boxes, looking at the TV and the sports and reading this book. What was a box. She actually the night before had been in the kitchen. And in the room next to her was her daughter. She was talking loudly to her daughter about an issue and actually they were going back and forth and even resolving and coming to some understanding about what they were talking about. All of a sudden. After that conversation. She now took her loud voice and started to talk to her husband. Well, he didn't respond. Then she really talk louder in the other room to get his attention and he still didn't respond. That's how our conversation started. Because in her mind, he absolutely was not giving her his attention. 

She did not feel that she had any priority. However, he was in his other box, he didn't even know that she was not talking to the daughter anymore. So I asked the wife, if she'd be willing to enter the room that her husband was in, to sit down next to him to ask for eye contact, those are all ways to help the husband, know, the wife is asking come into my box, come into my box. And then she would have her needs met, which is attention. And she would be a priority. And he said, Absolutely, I'll put my book down, I can even turn off the TV. Or maybe if the wife is willing to compromise a little bit, wait till the halftime break. The husband can focus on one task more effectively, but can lose sight of other aspects, he has to SAP one activity in order to attend to another. That happens at work, sometimes, my husband is doing payroll, and I'll come out at the end of my day, and I've had four or five things that I've been waiting to talk to him about. And it could be a letter, it could be, this is something that we still need to do in terms of simplicity and marketing. And was this call made to that person. If I start doing that, I get this look in his eyes, like he's completely zoned out. And often, he'll even get upset because it will stop him from being successful with completing his box, which was payroll at that moment. So I've learned to be more respectful and to say, Can you let me know when you're done with payroll, I have a couple things I'd like to talk to bring him into the joint manager box. That's been very helpful. Women have a greater ability to be more perceptive than men about people. And I think I've alluded to that. And women have greater ability to pick up on feelings and sense the difference between people, what they say and what they mean. Women's intuition definitely has a physical base. 

This can drive men crazy. There are numerous stories about couples who have gone out socially and wife says to her husband, I think there's a problem, or something that's going on. Her husband responds with, how do you know what are the facts, remember, he's going to be more logical. And she says, I don't have any facts. I just sense it. He says, You don't know what you're talking about. But a week later, when he finds out she was right, he's amazed. And even more puzzled, or perhaps more convinced. There was about a month ago, I would say four or five days in a row. I walked into our office and felt this heaviness. It didn't feel comfortable. It felt oppressive. I was very concerned. Concerned enough that I called we have an intercessory prayer team. And these are folks that have decided to partner with us. And I can call them when we have need of more prayer and covering for our organization. And I asked them if they would come. And then I also asked a couple of our prime ministers at work within our organization, the layth, ministry type of realm. When we had that meeting, it became apparent that our Prime Minister, a female prime minister shared that she had had a recent session. And this the session was with a woman who had been a high priestess in a satanic realm. And it was a sense that there had been some prayer against our organization. I guess I wouldn't say prayer, it was that there had been almost like a curse, let's say it was a curse. We went into major prayer. And my husband kept on looking at me, because I was the one that has since the oppressiveness, for about four days, he's come to the point that he understands that that is something that should be paid attention to. And I thank God every day for it, because I want to have that ability to have discernment into the spiritual realm. Now let's look at a little bit more some communications. I did find this little picture says a quiet man is a thinking man and a quiet woman is usually mad. That is very true. Sometimes the men are quiet. They're not thinking anything. And I say to my women, please respect that. If you say to your man, what are you thinking about? And he says nothing that could very well be true. A woman is usually always thinking about something. I mean, that doesn't mean she doesn't want times to have more peace and quiet in her mind. But if there's been issues going on, and that woman is quiet, that could be a sign that she's upset. So please feel free. If you're sensing something again, to ask and if you're not sure how that should be saddled and just be a good listener. 

A man's brain is a problem solving brain he is wired to have delayed reaction. When an emotional event occurs. He is not yet ready to express his fear. He needs to move over to the left side of his brain, remember, move to that box and collect the words that will express his feelings. That's what stops many men from expressing emotions, they are somewhat vocabulary deficient, or that's a struggle, a man has to think about his feelings before he can share them. Sometimes my heart really goes out to a man in a couple session. Because if I've got a very verbal woman, and before I have maybe laid out the ground rules and the parameters of how I conduct therapy, especially maybe that first session, I'm just trying to assess, without hearing my criteria, how they interact, I'll have some women, they're going a mile a minute, and I'm watching him just go way inside of himself, because he can't even begin to keep up to his wife. That's an issue. So I say to my wife, sometimes it might be better. If you know there's a heavy conversation or something that is really in your heart that needs to be discussed. And you know, you want your husband to stay involved. You want him to go beyond beyond listening. You want him to be able to talk and feel and express. Perhaps give him some time to think about him about this conversation. Tell him what is on your heart and mind. And then say, how would have we talked about this later tonight or tomorrow, that will give him the ability to connect with what he might want to say, and how he feels about it. That can be very, very helpful. And please be gracious, not accusatory, or reactionary. Or then you might have the issue of becoming the turtle, and he'll go into his turtle and not come out. A woman can feel talk and think at the same time when a woman is upset, what does she do first, she talks about it. And as she talks, she is able to think about what she's saying and feeling. The end result is that she figures it out, usually by herself. She begins with feelings and then moves to talking. And then the thinking, often, if I'm wanting to figure something out, I know I need to talk about it. But I've come to the point that I say to my husband, now don't hold me to this, I'm still processing tomorrow, I might feel different. I would just like you to listen, because as I talk about this, I can usually figure it out. And so he'll just smile, okay. And tomorrow, I might still feel the same way, or I might feel differently. Now my husband, on the other hand, I can go to I'll use the new office for an example. And I walk in and there's a number of things that are taking place. And I want to start talking about it. And he said, I've already figured it all out. And I said, oh well, do we need to talk about this? No, I figure it out in my mind. That's how he came to his conclusion. Very different. Also, a woman's brain has a larger hippocampus. 

This section is a memory center and has neural pathways to the brains and mode of centers. The woman's hippocampus has more neural pathways. Also, this may be why women have better memories than men, especially as it relates to emotional events. And when I say better memories, precise memories. I'll remember colors. I'll remember words that are said. I'll Remember dates. And my husband does not. But we could go to place where his storage unit is at. And he would start looking at his tools. And something that has to be done here, he'll know everything. And what step has to happen for fixing this particular automobile. And I'll have no idea even if he showed me because it's related to emotional events, that memory will really be more precise for woman. Men like to take more risks then women when it comes to decision making men were perceived to be faster on the draw. And were more apt to take risks. Men also pay too much attention to the competition, and are more short term oriented. I've watched some of my man, they'll maybe be playing a game of checkers with their wife and they'll get upset. And she's like, it's just the game. So then we'll talk about that. But why we love this about our man is that if there is a need for quick decision making, maybe they're on a trip in the woods, and all of a sudden they hear something that sounds like a large animal, perhaps a bear approaching. You don't want to take a lot of time to make a decision at that point, and men are very much quicker with issues like that. Women like consensus more than men if you consider that life for the average female is a web of interconnected relationship issues. It makes sense that relationships and decisions would be interconnected. It simply means that she will consider the broad impact of her decision and she will want the decision to benefit as many of the important people in her life as possible.

That happens at the business all the time. I start bringing into all the possible scenarios with this decision. And again, he'll say, but 1, 2, 3. However, we are learning that definitely complements each other. Then we have parenthood. When women have children, their world expands, each child gains a place in her heart, and there seems to be no end to the number of children that she can love and care for. And because she connects her life together, relationally each new child enhances her life and intensifies her motivation as a result, she is more motivated to achieve and more satisfied with her career as a mom, than prior to motherhood. Even though we have a lot of societal demands now, for two career families, I watch so many women struggle, they want to be more at home with their children, they really struggle if they're working full time. Sometimes they can find that balance with part time. But men inherently having a desire to support their family and provide don't struggle with this as much. And that doesn't mean they don't love their children, it's more of a struggle for women. Men are not so fortunate. In fact, each child brings a new box to dad, and kids are boxes that dad cannot ignore whether his children are easy or difficult, each dad must pay attention to his kid, his career requires significant focus. And he knows that each child should get the intensity of focus. So he gets frustrated, because he can't keep that many boxes open at once. He wears on like a battery and will get tired. Especially if there is a nagging wife, you're never home. Your family never sees you. 

Why are you doing this, there's a lot better ways to handle that in a more healthy way. Sometimes just having a wise wife, she'll help her husband recharge, because with a recharging he can get to the box where his family is that his children are at. I had one couple that they came up with an idea they had three daughters, that there would be times each month that the husband would take each of the girls out for a little daddy daughter time. And the wife felt incredibly respected for the family because the father then made that a priority. And the father had a plan because when he did that time with that daughter, that was his box. And so then he didn't feel as guilty when he was at work, because he had those times each month, very specific with his daughters. And you know, he had a specific time with his wife as well. And that was a box time for his wife. Because men love to succeed, they drink up compliments the way babies devour milk, the cousin to complements is flirting. When a woman first with a man the box, he happens to be in that moment ignites with enthusiasm. The wife make things that this is a game, but the husband knows that the way to a man's heart is not food. I would say more of the flirting and just feeling that attention from his wife. Food fills his tongue but a compliment from the woman he loves, fills his soul with confidence. So then I was thinking, How can I come up with some ideas to share? That could be ways to flirt a little bit. I actually Google it. And when I say flirt for husband and wife, this actually might be some similarities and not differences, because they both could use that. Now texting could be one way to do that. And then that would touch both of their hearts. And it would touch the female side because it's very verbal. And there's it's written and she can see it. But it does touch the man to let me give you some examples of some flirting statements for a husband and wife. I'm still thinking about last night love you. You're my best friend. Meet me tonight, 8pm our bedroom. I love you when you hold my hand. Take me in a hot date so we can have a hot night. Colin sick, let's be together all day. Every day, I love you a little bit more. I'm grateful for how hard you work. How did I get so lucky to have you? You and me last night making me blush. You are the best mom or dad ever. I will never forget how handsome or beautiful you were on our wedding day. I want all of you forever. You know any of those statements folks can be amazing for the marriage and for male female differences, because they're really not differences that have similarities. Every man or woman could use some of those types of words every day. 

How about a couple more differences, a husband often can immediately assume the problem solving role. And this is a great trait when the couple is looking for a logical answer to a problem. But how about when the argument is that logical? A wife will often have emotions built up they're being released in an argument simply for the reason to release emotional energy, and there's no answer. She actually will feel better just getting it all out because she needs to talk. There are more emotions running through her than she can control. If the husband listen calmly, she will release emotions and reconnect to the stability of her life. If he does not listen calmly, but works hard to finish the conversation with questions such as, what's the bottom line? Is there a point of this conversation, the emotional energy will very likely turn into an argument. And really, it didn't even have the components for an argument, if more of that understanding could take place. You know, though, our men can get exhausted, sometimes with how much interaction a wife would be comfortable with, especially from a verbal realm, and how many words she might have. How about this picture, I thought this was pretty much a caricature. Look at the puffed up, birds on the left, and all their little beaks are closed. And now he has the three birds on the right, and they're just tweeting. That is some of the differences, finding that balance. Because sometimes men need quiet. And they stay in a box, where they're just working with their hands. And they don't have to say any words, and women in her box. And notice these pictures are boxes, and women is that we really have boxes, but in their spaghetti box. They're loving to talk as much as they possibly can, and probably for as long as they possibly can do. So if men are not getting energized by processing life, it actually would drain them of their energy and get ready for the next challenge. 

Sometimes they'll want to disappear in that stress feed box and let them please recognize it. Perhaps you can say why don't you go watch the basketball game. I know with my husband, he has a storage. And I'll say, once you got to the storage for a couple hours this weekend, because he comes back, and he's willing to listen then, because it has been a stressless time for him. So when it's your husband's turn to talk, and if he really is at a point to talk, he might be bringing up an issue say he wants to talk about finances, we need to talk about our finances, he most likely wants to talk about finances. And that's it, I have to call my wife down. Because sometimes what the wife will do with her spaghetti. She's thinking about all the things that might be related to finances, and that would be finances and a budget. Well, since we're talking about finances, I was thinking this summer, could we put something in the budget because if we head out to the east coast of summer, now notice the rabbit trail. Or if we're talking about finances, I meant to tell you the couch in the living room, it's got that frayed part to it. I'd like to be able to go down to the furniture, store this. Okay, there's another rabbit trail off the finances. If a husband says he wants to talk about finances, it's about the budget. So wife, let your husband stay in that box long enough to discover what he needs to talk about and his feelings. Please be patient. Now, husbands, let me give you some closing thoughts if you're going to be able to hear your wife, because we've been talking a lot about the boxes that you might need. And we've been talking a lot about the wife needs and in being able to talk offered to listen, say it seems like you're pretty upset. Tell me what's going on in your mind. Touch her, gently pick up her hand, stroke her arm, or wrap your arms around her. Start with a small amount of touch. And if it calms her, give more you can say to her honey, it'll be okay. And just hold your wife with your arms wrapped around her. And husbands even if you don't know if it'll be okay. I'm talking to Christian man, the Lord God knows that to be okay. And just saying that, and then going to the Lord in prayer. You're asking the Lord to bring area so that it will be okay. offer help. Honey, what can I do to help? You want to take a minute and brainstorm to see what would help. Now see that's allowing her to talk to come up with solution. Or let's pitch in and help mom saying that to the children. These are all welcome phrases to a stressed out woman. 

And then husbands own up to it. If there was a problem, because a promises broken or if the husband dropped the ball of responsibility or hurt the wife in some way saying I'm sorry, does help, especially when accompanied by the top three, and maybe flowers or  maybe a gift certificate. The wife will very much respond to verbal. Now I'm not diminishing that actions can be very helpful. I mentioned that sometimes men will do actions and do task to say they're sorry. But because women are verbal when the words are given that female difference. She will receive that into her heart and there's so much healing. I wanted to share this picture because this is a wife looking at doily at her husband and look at the facial expressions on the husband he is so pleased and happy to be looking at his wife and look at the closest of proximity of their discussion. The reason why is that we are going to look just briefly at a male need their, men need to receive trust, acceptance and appreciation, admiration, an approval and encouragement. Men are motivated when they feel needed. A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or not competent enough, though he may never express it. And how about for a woman? The responsibility of every Christian man is to ensure that his wife is a cherished woman. That is a need for a female because women need to receive caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance. Women are motivated when they feel special or cherished. That is God's design. Even though males and females are different. That is how they will grow in their relationship. Thank you.