Transcript: Gender Differences part 3

Video Transcript: Gender Differences Part 03

Welcome to the third class on male female differences or similarities. This class is going to be talking about the differences in terms of visual cues. Now, again, some background terms of the biochemical makeup is that structurally and the chemical makeup of the male brain makes it impossible for a guy to not be visually oriented. There's a center in the brain called the nucleus accumbens. And when a man walks into a room, and sees that hypothetical woman who is dressed in a way that calls attention to her great figure, the man's nucleus accumbens lights up, and he has an voluntarily biological gut level reaction of pleasure from seeing that image and a desire to consume that image. I often am trying to explain this to women. But of course, what he does with that we'll be talking about in a minute, because it's very different for women. They don't have that gut level response, I almost think that as God has created a man and a woman, and from the very beginning, if a man is going to pursue his princess, he will have that inside of him, because something ignites and he definitely wants to pursue his princess. And that could be in a biochemical sense, this nucleus accumbens. Now, let's talk about another time that the center of the brain the nucleus accumbens might light up. This is a part of our brain that processes pleasure. When a dessert is eaten, for example, you don't think about enjoying this taste, it just happens in response to that trigger, eating that dessert, several areas of the brain light up and then send signals that cause you a millisecond later to recognize a flavor of sweet. 

Let's be more specific, you approach a dinner party, all of a sudden, you see this huge dessert table, and you've had these type of desserts and your mouth starts to salivate, however, and do politeness to this party, the main course hasn't even been served. So what your brain does, it kicks into the cortical thinking center and says, I have to wait, I need to be polite, I'm going to wait for the host to serve the main course. Now, that's exactly what we're going to be asking for, for the man to do with the initial pleasurable response to kick into the cortical part of the brain, which the woman doesn't even have to consider. So neuroscience has shown us that the first reaction with a visual cue within a man can be instinctive and biological, rather than voluntary, how the next step is his choice. And that's where it becomes to cortical reasoning. This is where the man moves from temptation to a healthy decision, just like he'd say, with a desert have not had my main course, or to a righteous action are from tation to sin. It is also important to note that a man's reaction is very different if the image is attractive, but not perceived as sexual. Men are able to appreciate beauty just as much as a woman appreciates beauty. And that includes noticing if a woman is attractive, my husband and I can be out. And we'll both notice a woman at the same time. And we think that's quite funny. And there's nothing sexual about that. At that moment. We'll both say, Oh my goodness, look at how pretty her hair is. But that's what how it goes, and that's how it stays. If the woman is not calling for overt attention to her body, it is a non issue. The nucleus acumen simply does not light up the automatic reaction and thus temptation is not triggered. Now in most cases, when a woman sees an attractive man, her nucleus accumbens is not laid up. There is no automatic gut level reaction. Instead, visual attraction usually starts in the cortical centers, meaning it is thinking oriented response from the beginning. She thinks to herself wow, he's an attractive man. I'll give you an example. I have had different folks use this as an experience. And they didn't even know each other. So I know what happens.

But I could have a woman driving to work and she'll see a male jogger and young man and very much in shape and perhaps has worked out and muscular type of biceps. And that's what she tells me. Oh my goodness, I saw a jagger on the way to work today if a fella yeah, and he was really in shape. And that's about it. Now, if a man is driving by a female jogger, and she is dressed more with what we would call jogger attire, those probably spandex pants. Maybe she's got a sports type tap on that looks more like a bra. He will tell me he struggled. In fact, he's often looking in his rearview mirror, because he wants to catch more of that sight. And he definitely he might even be thinking about that all the way to work very different. He'll have to at that point go to cortical reasoning. And I'm going to give some examples about how that can be done in just a little bit. But what a male female difference even with a visual cue, and the female way of thinking a woman would only feel a pull sexually. If there was this care about response and if she was attracted to someone as a person, that would be the more likelihood of how she would start to feel a sexual poll. 

For a woman attraction is certainly visual to some degree that it is highly emotional. This is what I hear. If there's been an affair in the marriage, and a woman comes to my office broken, often it could be like a Facebook type of issue that began the affair. Maybe it was a colleague or something that work that she'll say, you know, how it all started? One day I walked in, he said to me, are you okay? You look like you're tired? Did you sleep okay last night? Do you need to have some talk time. There, that's going to start her emotions to be connected. That's why I don't want men and women to have emotional discussions with the opposite sex except for their mate. Or maybe she'd come in and he would say to her, a male colleague, or this could be through like a Facebook message. Boy, when I look at your picture, you haven't changed a bit, you are still so pretty, or the girl or the colleague would say, wow, do you look nice today. Now, these are not necessarily sexual comments, but it's emotional, and she starts having that connection. And then her mind could eventually go to sexual but it started at a thinking level. In fact, in our emotional and physical wiring, true attraction inextricably becomes connected to closeness and intimacy with one person. Because the wife loves her husband, she cannot imagine looking at the male anatomy of another man. That's why I don't often encounter I can't say never women that have become addicted to pornography. I mean, that is very much where she wants her eyes to be with her husband. Now a man can have a physical attraction to an image. But it is not the same attraction that a woman experiences as attraction. And the vast majority of cases the man is attracted to the image alone, and to the sense of the pleasure that the image gives him he is not attracted to the person, because that is more true intimacy. Now, that brings us to porn. This is that visual cue. It's an attraction to an image and not about intimacy. If anti-intimacy, when a husband moves towards his wife, it's about intimacy. When a husband moved towards porn, it's never about intimacy. So the lie some women believe is if I feel him up, if we're having intimacy enough, he will never want porn. 

That's not necessarily true. Now remember, that we need to think also is a man could be more at risk if he feels lonely, or impotent, or powerless, or angry, that he might be tempted to go to porn is a way of killing that pain. I mean, a woman probably would go and want to talk to somebody. Men are much more internally designed. And that's why and if that visual stimulus could happen, there's a pleasure response that would take place and that again, not about intimacy, because he does not want to be known or vulnerable in that moment. Otherwise, he would have to grieve and feel it's a way to escape those feelings. So in that pain, a man instinctively is looking to get away from those feelings, probably to get away of intimacy. That is why a woman cannot compensate for this using physical intimacy. These are the type of things that often have to be worked out in therapy, but as a male female difference with visual cues. I'd like to reference an article that was written by Steven Harterburn. He is the founder and chairman of the new life ministries, the nation's largest faith based broadcast, counseling and treatment ministry. And Steven has written a lot on sexual brokenness and restoration. And I do admire his views and his insights. One of the things he says about pornography is a bad idea, because it detours and derails a man rather than propelling him toward his wife. The God given sex drive is meant to keep us together and move us toward each other. When everything within us might like to do otherwise. at its best, it drives us to each other provides life and excitement. While building an intimate bond that can be the reboot key for many of our daily struggles and conflicts. Pornography again is a bad idea because it turns women into body parts, without a soul. 

They become objects of pleasure to be used for male gratification. Each objectifying view of a woman on a page leaves a treating woman in person as objects as well. A man develops a one dimensional view of a female and begins to relate to her with little regard to her feelings or views. It makes the marriage more about him than her. As he sees her as less than equal, all sensitive mortality is lost. It is no wonder then that she could shopping on the internet for a man who would treat her like a rural woman. That's those darn Facebook pages, and those ads are sometimes just chat rooms. Recently, I watched a video of man on the street interviews that asked what was in what was not considered cheating. Those interviewed were unanimously in their belief that there was no sexual touching that it was really not cheating. They were very wrong. Body Parts never have to meet, enhance, never have to touch for heart to cheat. And let me say to women, we are not guiltless. Because there is a way that I watch women get into pornography. And that is with those romance novels. Because for women, the words and intonation and how she reads it, she can sit there and read and romance noval, and some of those, especially more, the secular ones are very graphic about sexual interactions. And that will bring her into that and it will turn her away from her husband, because pornography or romance novels, doesn't have necessarily even reality, I shouldn't even say necessarily, that is not reality. And it is not God's design. And that is definitely a struggle, because of the difference in visual cues or, or ways that men and women are given cues. If your husband has been reluctant to talk about this part of his life, it is extremely important that he sees you as someone he can share with. This is something that could become a box for him and he'd want to talk about it. That will help keep the door open no matter what is going on good or bad. So go into the conversation with a strategy for how you will respond or not respond to something upsetting in the end, you need to be you and to honor what you feel. The advice is that those feelings be conveyed in the healthiest and most constructive way, the same way you'd expect your husband to do for you. I'll give you an example. I was involved in a premarital case. And it was a lovely young young couple. And the man in this premarital case was struggling at times with pornography. his fiance came out and asked him and the first time she asked him, I mean, everything inside of him said, I want to be a godly man. I don't want to have this and I need to be honest with my fiance. And so he told her, she went completely ballistic, completely. And she told him that she wasn't sure their relationship was going to make it and she was not going to have a fiance that was going to be doing this. And how could he because her father had never done this. And I don't want that to be true or not. It's usually very private thing. 

He was devastated. And in one of our sessions were often with premarital, I will also have some alone time he said to me, I am never talking to her about this again. Now, where's that going to go? That becomes a format for what some of their interactions or depth of sharing is going to take place in their marriage. So we had to definitely work through that. I wasn't supportive of the pornography, but I also was not supportive of her reactionary interaction with her fiance. And as we talk through that, it became an area where they were able to have conversation, there became more accountability for this young man, this fiance was given awareness and some updates about the accountability and it went into more of a win win situation where he was able to go to the cortical thinking of his brain, and have the ability to be more in resistance and in purity with his fiance. It was such a blessing to be able to talk with them right after their wedding day and to know that they had worked on that and probably will continue to work on that. I'm not doing counseling with them anymore because it was a premarital case, but it was quite powerful. Also, women can make clothing choices that are more honoring. Thankfully, being careful does not mean being frumpy. A woman can wear trendy fashions just like everyone else. She can look confident and beautiful and make a terrific impression. The key is knowing how to make the impression you want to make as opposed to the possible impression that I want you to fantasize about me in your bedroom later tonight. Now hang with us. I'm not saying that's what she is thinking I'm gonna I'm gonna address that in just a moment. But women please be careful of the curves as most men will say that this is a magnetic draw. And what makes it the hardest not to look as the curves or a glimpse of anything that is supposed to be hidden. For example, men have mentioned how often women will wear leggings or spandex shorts without something like a tunic to cover them up. After all, they point out those offer outfits hug every curve a woman's body, just as if she were naked, vividly maximizing her assets. And then what am i women say? Well, it's comfortable. Or sometimes they'll say that's up to him if he wants to look, he doesn't need to be looking. It's not that's not fair to our men. Because they actually men may assume that a woman or a teenage girl who is dressing to call attention to her body knows the exact impact she is having on the man and boys around her. 

Thus they may think she is doing this on purpose. Sometimes some women could be but I don't think they always are. In other words, in their mind. There's only one reason why she dresses that way. She wants the guys around her to fantasize about her being naked. Not necessarily true, probably most likely not true. Actually Shaunti Feldhahn, she has done research, and it is from a book through a man's eyes where she talks about these visual cues. A lot of what I'm speaking on comes from this book. And I did that as a work cited book. She found after intensive surveys of women and teenage girls that very few of them had any intention of tenting, the guy to think or act sexual. Instead, these women said they simply wanted to feel confident about themselves feel attractive, or wear what was in style. In other words, women and girls liking attention, but they don't realize that attention isn't all the type that they want. And our society does put a lot of pressure on women to dress in certain ways. And it often can be more sexual as interpreted by a man. If a woman decides to choose certain attire that does bring attention to her physical persona, the man may be walking down a particular path, while the woman is picking up a giant paving stone that she has been told over and over might make him stumble. And she deliberately drops it directly where she knows he is about to step. Once we as women have dropped the stone, we stand back and watch as he trips and falls. Then when he gets that bruised and bleeding, and hanging his head in shame. We stand there with our arms folded and raise our eyebrows and say it's his fault. I appeal to my women who are very different with visual cues, we have a responsibility on how we, how we dress ourselves, the bible talks very much about modesty. And we can still be very stylish, because that has an impact on the visual cue of the men that are in our lives and our husbands. So even with this really temptation if a man thinks Now coming back to the back end, looking at porn or ugly women is not a big deal. He is deceived. More importantly, because he is almost certainly entertaining lustful thoughts for a woman other than his wife. And that's his visual cue that he has to be responsible for. He is probably committing adultery in his heart. 

But he is also deceived, because if it bothers the wife, it should be a big deal. And for that reason alone, wives need their husbands to only have eyes for her. This idea is a bit of a stunner. Again, a man could be thinking it's okay to look but don't touch. Jesus wants to give the ability to not touch or look, causing arousal unless the man is looking at or touching his wife. That's where the arousal should come. By the way, the Bible backs up the idea of a godly man looking at his wife with extreme desire as Ezekiel's wife is called the desire of his eyes. Solomon told his wife how beautiful and How delightful you are my love with all your charms. Your stature is like a palm tree. And your breasts are like clusters. I said, I will climb the palm tree I will take hold of its fruit stocks. This is biblical man talking about their wives, men please stay faithful. If you are being faithful men don't have time to look for another woman because they're too busy looking for new ways to love their own. Now look at that picture. There's a man adoringly looking into his wife's eyes, and look at his wife, how she's looking back at her husband. So again, in the closing comments from male and female differences in needs needs for women. They need their man to be tender, kind and gentle with them. They need their man to listen, to not cut her off, have open communication and share your feelings with her. They need their man to spend time with a family value each one and make them a priority and find ways for that those boxes. And they also need their man to be a pastor of their home. And that is to bring prayer and covering and to provide that for your wife and the children. And how about the needs for men. Husbands need to be feel honored and respected by their wives, husbands needs sexual intimacy. Husbands need friendship, a wife who enjoys doing fun things together. And husbands need domestic support a wife who takes care of the home. There again, those needs are even some male female differences. So take these concepts and enjoy being the man that you are and being the woman that you are. And as the therapist of the pastor, teaching the couples that we have about their male female differences and similarities. Thank you.