Transcript: Sexual Intimacy part 1

Video Transcript: Sexual Intimacy Part 01

Welcome to the class on sexual intimacy God's design. There's no relationship between human beings that is greater or more important than marriage. And thus, it is very important that we can talk about intimacy and oneness in marriage. So often I have couples that come to my counseling practice, and intimacy is a thorn, is a place where they feel broken, is a place that they no longer can connect or feel safe. And thus, their marriage starts to struggle and feels very much in trouble. Or even they bring it up as a concern in premarital counseling for when that oneness begins in their marriage. So I'd like to begin this class with a prayer. And please feel free to read along. Dear God, intimacy seems to be a huge burden in marriages today. So many husbands and wives struggle to find interest initiate or can't enjoy intimacy because of physical hindrance. I pray right now, that marriages would be renewed as couples are inspired to reignite intimacy in marriage. May you give us creative ways to show our spouse love and affection. Give us the courage to initiate even if we are rejected. Help us understand the role intimacy plays in marriage and its importance. Give us a burning desire for our spouse that we have never felt before. In Jesus name. 

You know, we are wired for marriage. It's simply in our DNA. Why is it that all members of the human race in all countries, all areas in all situations, we just certain age and began to seek a mate? Why is it this such a given that we take it completely for granted? It's easy. It's because God made us that way. It's kind of a pleasant wake up call inside of us, designed to ring at the right time. In the second chapter of the Bible, you'll find these words the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him. Genesis 2:18. So the desire for love and marriage is God given God set it lovingly within our hearts and missed many other thoughtful gifts. I remember when I first met my husband, and he said to me, there was a time when he was about 13 years old, and he was laying in his bedroom one night, getting ready to go to sleep. And he said, he looked up at the ceiling, and he said in his mind, I wonder who my wife is going to be someday. And he said, it was a defining moment, because he really had never thought about that before. He certainly thought about riding his bike. He thought about getting out and making forts. He thought about going and throwing the baseball. But that night at age 13, he looked at the ceiling, and there was his wire, his DNA that was already desiring that connection. Now let's talk about some of the biblical purposes of sex. They're very multifaceted. God has given us sex as a means of glorifying him, as we fulfill is designed for procreation, intimacy, comfort and physical pleasure is the fulfillment of God's trade order in marriage between a husband and wife, Genesis 1:28 says, and God bless them. And God said to them, Be fruitful, and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth. Since there is only one way to fill the earth, the Lord is telling us to have sex and lots of it in marriage. The gift he gives in return is a reflection of the love in the faces of and of the lives of our children. And I know that is still their choice. And I know sometimes that is difficult, especially when I think about the infertility issues. This is what God's perfect will is. There are times that permissive issues take place in this world, and that often is accounting assessing just in itself when those issues come up. He designed intimacy for pleasure, both males and females to experience orgasm during sex. This is a physiological response completely independent of any necessary physical function is simply for us to enjoy. To prove His point, God gave us the entire book in the Bible Song of Songs devoted to sexual love and intimacy within marriage. Then how about how intimacy as a stress reliever and truly shows that God knows what he is creating, and the many benefits from sexual intimacy? Let me mention a few of those which are not in your notes, but they're very noteworthy to speak about. Heart disease, lovemaking is a good aerobic exercise and couples with active sex lives tend to have fewer heart attacks. Wait, sexual intercourse burns about 200 calories. And that's not too bad for a workout is far more fun than running on the treadmill. 

Pain, endorphins released during orgasm can go the chronic pain of backaches and arthritis as well as migraines, depression, sexually active carpals appear to be less vulnerable to depression, suicide and anxiety. Hormones released during arousal can calm anxiety, ease fear and breakdown inhibitions. Immunity, frequent intercourse may boost levels of key immune cells that help fight off colds and other infections. Cancer, early studies hint that oxytocin and the hormone DHT, both released during orgasm may prevent breast cancer cells from developing into tumors. And lastly, longevity. Frequent orgasm has been linked to longer life, this may have something to do with sex benefits, effects on the heart and immune system. God definitely knew what he was doing. Now let's talk a little bit more about the oneness. So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together Let no one separate. And that is in Matthew 19:6 , intimate oneness. This is what God had in mind in marriage and encompasses every part of our being. God says that this bond is a mystery in the same way that becoming one with Him as a mystery. Ephesians 5:31-32 if that's something that we can do on our own, God is the one who takes two people and makes them one. Because sex creates this bond, he warns us not to become one with others, because that can hinder complete oneness with the one that we marry. Now I do talk, and I communicate to save sex for marriage. Maybe I could be viewed as a holdover from the Victorian era. But I want couples to develop expertise in their mental, emotional, spiritual and social side of the relationship. I often find if the physical sexual comes into the relationship, it will easily start to dominate. And they're not talking as much. They're not praying or doing devotions as much. They're not making plans with social activities, because the sexual physical component can be so strong. I also wanted to reference that this is just not me talking about counseling sessions that I've had. This is also about a study that was published in the American Psychology Association, Journal of family research. Now, in this study, it was actually completed at the Brigham Young University. Now that's a Mormon school that does pretty conservative values. But what is noteworthy about this study is that it was strong enough to be approved by the peer reviewed American Psychology Association. And that means something. Like it or not, there's some truth that abstinence leads to more satisfying marriages. 

It's for the same reason that bit marrying your best friend, instead of just someone that you have. Sex with can be much more important. Couples confuse lust and the emotions associated with that as the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and it takes the place of general and genuine personal connection. While most people get married have a substantial connection. The depth of this relationship may be distorted by sex. When the honeymoon period ends, many couples realize they don't have a stronger connection as they originally thought. Relationships based on the physical will suffer when the physical element fades. And make no mistake, this physical element will fade, the energy and excitement of a new sexual pairing can't be maintained. No matter how much lingerie she buys, no matter how many different positions can take place. Variety is an essential part of sexual excitement and time will change that. Now sex is an important part of marriage, but also the issues of best friend. The issues of communication. The issues of spiritual are very important. Couples who wait to have sexual relationship until marriage, they have attended to the other things in their marriage, that is that are very important. They've developed hobbies, they've learned to communicate, they actually connect with the majority of their time in a non physical level. 

Now, I do want you to know that even if that romantic arrow side of the sexual realm does diminish, there is committed love that comes. I have referenced a book in one of my other presentations, and it is by Harville Hendricks getting the love you want. He talks about the three phases it is romantic love, that takes place and that's in that era part and that's where sexual realm comes, then there's conflict stage. That's pretty normal in marriage that you're going to go into conflict. The next stage is committed love. And please know that committed love is well beyond sexuality. It is about the communication. It is about being best friends. It is about knowing that that person is your soulmate. Now I also want to reference a bit more research on this aspect of being in abstinence before marriage and having that oneness of marriage. Dr. Thomas Richard Insel is an American neuroscientists and psychologists he led the National Institute of Mental Health. From 2002 to November of 2015. He conducted a study of two species that are practically alike genetically, the montane vole and the prairie vole and please know it is vole, it is not mole. This is a little animal that is called a volve. He discovered that prairie voles stay for life with a partner they first populate with and that, in contrast, the montane vole populates randomly without forming partnerships. He found that very interesting. He also found in his research that prairie voles produce significantly greater amounts of oxytocin than montane voles do, if he blocked the oxytocin receptors in the prarie voles, they no longer form partnerships during capulation. 

Dr. Insel is convinced that oxytocin is crucial to the development of long term relationships, not just in voles, but in humans. And truly, oxytocin is stimulated during the aspect of orgasm and sexual intimacy. Now, what's very interesting about this is how previous relationships can affect oxytocin. Let's call that chemical super glue. If there is significant relationship history, that is sufficiently adverse bonding will be much more difficult. Now what I mean by that is during sexual intimacy, and when that hormone is released, there will be attachment and bonding. There will be memory, there will be imprint. Now I'm going to reference another presentation, it was at the 2006 national accident clearinghouse conference, and it was by Dr. Eric Kirk. He said that when we are in chronic physical or emotional pain, our brains release endorphins. Naturally, it's a pain reliever to ease the pain. Every time we break up with someone with whom we have had sex, we accumulate more emotional pain. That's maybe not 100% of the time, I'm talking about if there's been an emotional connection to. But anyway, when we have this breakup, if there is feelings of rejection, or abandonment, our bodies will release endorphins chronically, is to try to help with the pain. This would be after a long term relationship we could it could even be after a short term. But if this person bonded with the other person, especially through sexual intimacy, and intercourse and oxytocin were released, there will be emotional discomfort, there could be sadness, depression, as that relationship ends, and endorphins are secreted. Here's the catch. Endorphins reduce the production and release of oxytocin, which diminishes our ability to form lifelong bonds. So now, we have other people in lives that there could have been sexual relationship with. And then we go into our marriage with not the same ability to bond to have that ability to have oneness. I'm just mentioning this because I am a proponent of being able to stay abstinent, I also know that is not necessarily the case. And I very much know that our Lord is a loving God, forgiving God and we can be that way to our spouses too. And I will work with couples that have not had absent as a part of their relationship. 

However, I did want to bring up some of the actual scientific perceptions on why staying abstinent and thinking about oneness can be very beneficial for marriage. Now God gives sex for a few other reasons, too. How about knowledge, as closest parents that we can be to our children's we won't know them with the same intimate knowledge that their spouse will. Adam knew Eve his wife and she conceived and bore cain the word in the Bible, the Hebrew word is yada. In Genesis 4:1 and in this verse, the Hebrew word for sexual intercourse means to know someone at a deep, intimate level. It means a knowing of someone that no one else has. And Daniel 11:32 the same Hebrew word is used to describe the people's relationship with God. The people who know their God, what a beautiful comparison. Also, God gives sex is a defense against temptation. He designed sex and marriage to strengthen our bound, by increasing our desire for each other and reducing the temptation of attraction to others, when we neglect this part of our relationship, we can cause our emotional connectedness to wane. First Corinthians seven three through five says, the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have the authority of his own body, but use it to his wife, do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent in for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control. I would like to say that the husband and wife are a gift to one another. I know that there are times that it is very difficult to want to be close or to have that sexual intimacy. I think this verse is best understood. When couples are feeling close, when they feel safe, when there is comfort, when they have openness with their sexual intimacy, and that is definitely the goal to honor this verse. 

God give sex for comfort. God shows us through David how sex can be a selfless way to covered our spouse and David comforted his wife Bethsheba. And he went to her lay with her, she gave birth to a son and named him Salomon. Again, this goes back to what I was just speaking about earlier with oxytocin. Why it is such a huge part in that sexual experience of the bonding and ability to feel that oneness is a peptide secreted in the brain that flows to various parts of the brain and throughout the reproductive organs in both men and women. It rises in response to touch and promotes touching. It sensitizes the skin to touch it spikes at orgasm. It causes uterine contractions during orgasm and labor. It increases sexual receptivity and increases pineal sensitivity, and speeds ejaculation. This invisible bond works like super glue, strongly attaching us emotionally and spiritually to our lover, all the more reason to have that oneness with our spouse. Now, God's view in contrast with society view our society view, why our society has undergone a rapid transformation in terms of sexual behavior. Today, one out of two marriages end in divorce. six out of 10 teenagers are sexually active. Millions of abortions over the last decade in the phenomenal spread of AIDS or sexually transmitted diseases has caused many serious problems with sexuality. Hearing words from colleges students that I have worked with such as asexual, or polyamorous I've never heard these words before. And that is just something new probably. For me as a therapist in the last couple years, I was talking to one of my son's friends, college age, young lady, she was talking about how different intimacy or affection or sexual interactions are looking at this is what she said, These days, holding hands in public has more significance than having sex. She was thinking about how easily people will go to bed with someone. But how freaked out they would be if they saw or they were experiencing, holding hands with someone in public. 

Sex is used to be something that is not near as intimate as it used to be. And now it can almost impede intimacy in a traditional romantic sense. She even said I realized the other day, how long it's been since I actually held hands with my boyfriend. And I didn't know for sure, but I think she was inferring that there was sexuality between them but not much hand holding. Then I was in another discussion where I had a person in their early 20s that talked about being asexual. And I thought in my mind, what is asexual? So I went and I looked up the free dictionary term, and it said, relating to or being a person who does not experience sexual attraction. And then the Webster Merriam dictionary says devoid of sexuality. You remember when we started this class and I said it is in the DNA. That is something about our society. Because that is not how God has made a person in terms of when they start to hit puberty or start to have an awareness that there is something inside of them that longs to be with another person and wanting sexuality. Then I started to hear about polyamorous relationships. So I looked that up as well. This is given from the Wikipedia the free encyclopedia as definitions. This is the practice of or desire for intimate relationships involving more than two people with the knowledge and concerns of everyone involved. It has been described as consensual, ethical, and responsible non monogamy. People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep committed long term loving relationships. Sex is only one aspect of a relationship that are definitely not God's view. When he talks about having holy covenant with us, there is that knowledge of oneness. That is definitely society view. God's view is asking for faithfulness. And although faithfulness is one of the cornerstones of marriage, it may seem odd to speak of the need to be faithful to one spouse, because I've even been talking about before marriage, but in a sense, one should love one spouse before he even meets him or her. 

This means reserving the giving of oneself sexually until one is married. For in a sense, one sexuality belongs to one future spouse, as much as it does to oneself. I know that as our children were becoming of the age, to think about becoming married one day, and to know about the birds and the bees and have the talk of sexuality. With our daughters, we gave a promise ring and this was when they turn 16. And that ring signified that they had an understanding that we as their parents, and they would start to pray for their spouse. And on the day of their wedding, they would give that promise ring to their spouse, and my husband alone talk to our son also when he turned 16, and gave him a badge of honor. And that badge he could play somewhere where he would always remember that he was going to do the same thing. And our son now is just getting married this coming summer. And we're so excited that our prayers have been answered with a wonderful young lady that he is married, or he is marrying. And also God's view in contrast with society view. I found this study that was done and I thought it very much embodied God's statement for intimacy. And from a biblical sense. It came from a Colorado statement on biblical sexual morality in 2000. But there is not anything that has changed over the years with God to maybe our society has changed but not our dear lord. This was a gathering of a diverse team of Bible scholars. This call found biblical sexual ethics found that God intends sex to be a source of satisfaction, honor and delight to those who enjoy it within the parameters of the moral standards that he has established. biblically speaking, human sexuality is both a gift and a responsibility. At creation, the gift of sex was among those things God has declared to be very good. What's more, the sexual relationship is invested with a profound significance in that it brings together a man and a woman within the context of the shared image of God, and to be fruitful and multiply Genesis 1:27-28. This is within marriage and because sex is God's idea, and because it touches the image of God in human life, it is very important that the holiness of sexual behavior be diligently preserved. In fact, sexual behavior is moral only when I did this whole life. Thank you. This is the first presentation of the class in sexual intimacy.