Transcript: Sexual Intimacy Part 2

Video Transcript: Sexual Intimacy Part 02

Welcome to the sexual intimacy class part two, we are going to be talking today about 12 obstacles to a fulfilling Christian sex life. The first is what I would actually call ignorance, not knowing what the scripture says about sex. In fact, in Genesis 1:27 and 28, when God had just finished created Adam and Eve, he commanded them to be fruitful and multiply. This means that God made physical intimacy as a priority within the marriage bond. In Genesis 1:31. The Bible says that God looked at all he had made and said, It is good. This tells us that God approves of sex in Christian marriages. How about not talking to your spouse about your sexual preferences, being vulnerable with your spouse, in a conversational level helps you to develop an emotional bond, you can begin by telling your spouse what lovemaking means to emotionally, and how often you would like to have sex. Be specific about your expectations. As far as intimacy in the marriage is concerned, I find that when these are issues that come up in a marital session, there are many of my couples that are almost embarrassed. Even if they've been having sex for years, they start to be uncomfortable when we talk about specifics with the sexual act, or we talk about things that they enjoy or different ways they might want to be touched or things that they don't enjoy, and things that they would rather not do. I assure my couples that I am honored, that they're allowing me to come into such a sacred area of their relationship. And I will keep everything confidential. And I will be very gentle with how I lead them in this conversation. Because I want them to be able to be comfortable to talk about these things when they're alone. And they don't always have to be within accounting settings. But my practice would give them that bridge. And so if you're taking this class to be able to learn to help, this often can be discussions within that type of context. How about another obstacle feeling obligated to have sex, that would be examples of duty sex, and it certainly wouldn't be what I would want to talk about as nurturing sex with more romance. I'm going to give an example. And this came from the book Intimacy Ignited. And I love some of their examples. And I thought I would share because it's more like one of those stories. It could be anyone's name, but we're going to use a name that was given in the book. Her name is Salma, and it's Wednesday. Selma grudgingly response or her husband's overtures with a sigh, oh brother. I can't believe he wants sex again. 

She puts on her favorite flannel shirt with a rip under the left arm. She then says, okay, now he's going to kiss me, and it's going to be 2.2 seconds. So she tells herself, while my husband is kissing me, I don't need to think about that form that I have to bring tomorrow to school for my daughter, and I have to make sure that it's signed. So mechanically, rather, she reaches over and she touches her husband using the same motion that she always uses. Then he rubs her in the same spot, using predictable pressure as she inwardly moans. When is he going to be done? Two moves later, they are in position. One minute later, and she rolls over and turns out the light. She's sarcastically mutters under her breath loud enough for her husband to hear another exciting romance in my house. Now, that's an example of duty sex, or maybe we would say routine, monotony. It doesn't have to be that way. There can be the ability, and it does take more planning at times. It does make take more thought and intentional prayer, and the ability to have talked with your spouse about what they do desire. I'd like to give another example. This is a little bit more romantic, even though it started out with an argument. This is an example and it happened and I'm going to just use names again. Darrell and Kitt. Darrell and Kitt we're getting ready to go to a friend's wedding. And when they were getting ready, they ended up having quite an argument. However, Kitt continued to get ready for the wedding that she put in a beautiful dress, and she looks quite stunning. However, Daryl stumped as a bedroom, never even looked at his wife, or how beautiful she was looking. So she started to think in her mind, this is the last men on Earth I want to be with tonight, and especially to go to this wedding with all of a sudden 15 minutes later, the doorbell rang when she opened the door surprise. There stood Darrell. He was dressed in his tux for the wedding. And he was holding a bouquet of roses. But he look difference. He had a hat and sunglasses. And he had an Italian accent. The rose bear announced. My name is Ramon. I received news that your pigheaded husband was a brute to you. So I have come to escort you to the wedding in his place. 

Come my precious rose. And then the way you can talk to me about this imbecile you are married to. Ramon took Kitt to the wedding. They laughed and they danced and later they made passionate love. And believe me, it was not duty sex. Now that's an example of a start over. Remember that if there's conflict issues, or if there are times when you can feel that tension. And the last thing that is going to be happening is any type of intimacy. You can have start over as it could start at any point during the day, even as an argument, if that start is the ability to feel the disconnection, think about having a start over. Okay, here's another obstacle to a fulfilling Christian sex life failure to plan. Despite the critical role that sex plays it can be difficult to find the time or energy. Often sexual intimacy needs a plan or a schedule. It doesn't have to be stale, but rather playing a special time with your spouse. It doesn't even have to be boring. One husband gave his wife a box for their anniversary and there were some coupons and I'm going to read a couple of his ideas. Each one represent a plan for an event that month. And I thought when I read this, this is a very creative man. And I would have liked to have heard how each one of these events took place and what the outcome was the first one was January. He gave her an anniversary card his dear wife. She says after a day of slipping down the slopes I want to make love to buy the fire. In February. She gave her a $5 gift certificate for Barnes and Noble. Let's sip coffee and look at books and dream about where we want to go for next year's anniversary. Then March, he gave her a pass to the movies and popcorn. Good for a night, to munch, watch the movie of your choice and then hold hands. April that gel and massage lotion for us to enjoy April showers. May, $35 certificate to a local nursery for you and me to enjoy planting May flowers. June, bag of marshmallows, meet me at the fire pit in our backyard after the kids are asleep. July, lemon meet me on the patio for lemonade on a warm Saturday afternoon when the kids are not at home. August, homemade coupon good for one ice cream cone and turn compliments about why I love you.

Women would love that one. September, handmade coupon with a leaf tape to it good for a lot to remember among the falling leaves. October, bag of Hershey Kisses each chocolate good for one kiss placed exactly where you request. November, blank coupon good for and my dear wife you get to fill in the rest of the blank, and December, and Angel Christmas ornament because you are my angel. I will do three chores of your choice. Wrap presents, put up the lights, assembled toys for the kids and so on. I want you to know that would create a path any of those right to sexual intimacy, it would no longer be an obstacle. How about taboos regarding sexual intimacy? People who are raised in a strict environment where it was inappropriate to speak of God, and sex in the same sentence often separate sexuality from their spirituality. They find it difficult to believe that a holy God would bless something as earthly as sex. In fact, one woman talked about a picture that was of Jesus hanging in the bedroom of her husband above the bed. When it was time to make love. She would want to turn the picture and she did the face the wall because she didn't want Jesus watching what they're doing, oh dear couple. Think about song of songs. God says eat friends drink and consume deeply Oh lovers. God wants to bless her sexual intimacy. All you have to do is ask him. God gives permission to be intoxicated with delight. How about another obstacle, fantasy lie? 

Often imagery, it can be more predominant for men keep intentional fantasies centered on your mate. Now I would say though, that's the actual imagery visually. I know that there are some times I've had my women reading those secular romance novels, which are very explicit. It is almost pornography in written words. And that could be a fantasy lie. A man might have a fantasy lie of visual images. But a woman could have word images. Because we are much more drawn to reading a romance novel rather than maybe looking at pictures. Here's an example one man who had went to many conferences built a fantasy in which he met a sexy woman who seduced him in his hotel room. Now, this initially never had happened. It was just in his mind. Unfortunately, he never took his wife to the conferences. So his fantasy did not involve his wife, you know, the sad outcome to this story. And what eventually happened at one of the conferences, because law of intent tells us that what we continue to think about and bring at the forefront of our minds and our thought processes can become reality. So this is a fantasy life. So now we've talked about the imagery, or even like a romance novel. How about another obstacle, fantasy life and masturbation? While the Bible is not clear about masturbation, it is clear about lascaux fantasy, and Matthew 5:27 to 28, Jesus teaches that thinking about another woman, lustfully is adultery, just thinking, and we all do that. That's why we are all sinners. I'm so thankful that Jesus has come to forgive us. If you are looking to justify masturbation, you are going to have to ask yourself what you think about when you are doing it. If there's an issue with masturbation, and an orgasm happens, while you're thinking about anyone to whom you are not married to, according to Jesus, this is adultery. I mean, it is just thinking about it. And I know that's a pretty tough stance, again, is because I'm talking about how to have that fullness in marriage, and how to have that oneness in marriage. Fantasy life and masturbation they kind of go together at times and not in a good way. This comes from a book by Mark Lazar, he is a wonderful author, and studying many, many issues about sexual addictions. So he talks about another point to ponder is that for many masturbating leads to a certain form of tolerance. The tolerance effect simply means that the more you do something, the more you will eventually need to do it to achieve the same effect. You may not even realize that, but your fantasy life may have become sinful in nature. In fact, even this is an issue the friction of using your own hand or some other aid to achieve masturbation may also condition to that level of stimulation. 

Believe it or not, this kind of conditioning may make it less likely that there will be stimulation by vaginal intercourse. Men who get into this kind of pattern may start experiencing sexual frustration when they are being sexual with their wives. You know, dear folks, masturbation is never ultimately satisfying, because it falls short of the incredible satisfying nature of a spiritual union with your wife. If you're in that bedroom, and this is something between you and your wife, or if I'm talking to you, dear one, if it's between you and your husband, go ahead and use masturbation sexually aroused each other that way, that's fine. I'm referring to this in a way that masturbation is happening alone, and not being with the spouse, or using other images or thoughts in the mind to bring about the masturbation. You know, it brings us again to that sense of purity. And if there is going to be purity. It isn't something that's reserved just for our teens. It's a virtue that we can and must exercise long after we say I do. And it is amazing. The blessings that will come. When I talk about purity. Here's something that definitely works against pornography, it is certainly an obstacle to a fulfilling Christian sex life. It is destroyed many Christian marriages, it creates an insatiable thirst for sex and harmful, erratic behavior within an individual. I mean, I think about the many times I have had one or the other of a spouse in a marriage with tears running down their cheeks. And it's because their spouses ask them to do things that they feel so violated, and they're like, how did this ever even come up? I can't even imagine doing something like this. 

Well, then we'll find out later that it was seen on a picture or on the internet in something that related to pornography, and it was so harmful for the marriage. Unfortunately, some people are under the impression that pornography will improve their sex life what such people fail to realize is that pornography nurtures a physical aspect of intimacy, while ignoring the emotional, which in the end creates empty relationships. And truly, it is so hard to satiate it becomes such a drive, it becomes an addiction, I think of a interview was done years ago. And it was on the radio broadcast when Dr. James Dobson was the head of Focus on the Family. And he was interviewing Ted Bundy. And I don't know if that rings a bell with any of you who are taking this class. But Ted Bundy was a serial killer. And he actually was executed for his crimes. He allowed himself to be interviewed by by Dr. Dobson. And what was found is that he started this whole sordid part of his life by finding some soft pornography in a trash can, I guess it was like a playboy. And then it led him to more harder pornography. And then it led him to find some victims that he could actually abuse. And he did call this rape, and then it led him to commit murder. And it became something that he could no longer satiate inside of him. Now, if I take it back, just a step, I've encountered this in my couples therapy as well. Very, very broken man. And his wife now was saying, I'm done with the marriage, I am filing for divorce. What had happened was, she started to have repeated urinary tract infection, she went to the doctor. The doctor, of course, to the appropriate testing, and found out that she had a sexually transmitted disease. The only person that she'd ever been with was her husband. So there ended up being quite a conversation and he came clean to a sexual addiction. That again, was extremely unhealthy in it now was destroying their marriage. His sexual addiction also began with looking at some books and some magazines, then it went to the internet, then it went to chat rooms, then it went to 900 phone calls, then it went to finding a prostitute. And this happened a number of times, that he started to have sexual intercourse with, because he could not satiate that drive, and there became a sexually transmitted disease.

Now, that couple is still in therapy, but what is the outcome going to be? Sometimes marriages do not recover from these type of obstacles. So not only is it an obstacle to a fulfilling Christian sex life is an obstacle to have a fulfilling marriage that goes till death do you part. Also, let's look at something else that can be a problem for having that incredible intimacy. If you carry bricks from your past relationship to your new one, you will build the same house. This is an unresolved sexual abuse issues, nor maybe it's an unresolved rape experience. It could be an unresolved in sexual experience, because before you can fully enjoy sex in the Christian marriage, these issues will need to be resolved. Most victims of sexual abuse have an aversion to intimacy in marriage, because their view of healthy sexuality is distorted. Occasionally, I will find the opposite. And a person with issues in their past can become very promiscuous. And they'll almost be over sexualized, but most of the time has an aversion. So please know if this is an issue. This will often need the enlistment and support of a professional to help. I have a fair amount of folks on my caseload because of a commitment to want to have a healthy sexual relationship. They now realize they will need to deal with some issues from their past and it is definitely something that can be dealt with. And there can be healing and there can be released. And there can be the ability to love your spouse and share every part of who you are, in a way to have a fulfilling sexual life. How about unresolved bitterness and unforgiveness? server lovers are forgivers sometimes it's easier to offer forgiveness and other times. So I'm going to give an example. And in this example, it's about a forgiveness cop. And I thought this was such a wonderful idea. Because rather than having an issue that has come up in a relationship, continue to cause so much bitterness and resentment, there can be the ability to do this activity and not interrupt what could be many more times and days for wonderful intimacy. 

Actually, as a therapist, or as a pastor, I would recommend incorporating this in premarital counseling and also in marital counseling. To have some beautiful cups or glasses. I used to use, like a little, I guess it looks like a wineglass. And that's what I give, for I call the forgiveness top. And in doing this, there is the ability to definitely have that resolution, I'm going to read about an experience where the forgiveness cup was used. Tracy and Tom's marriage started out, and it was great. But then they had four kids. And every one of us who are parents know that the business of children, and the demands that our precious children do need, can take away from our oneness. So after the four kids, Mary started to change, and at times, it felt like it was in the pits. Tracy felt that she was doing everything. And Tom was happy. She said to let her carry that load. One day God convicted Tracy's heart. And he committed to bring her to an awareness that she was harboring a lot of unforgiveness. And she was also being very critical and very judgmental to her husband. So she called her husband at work and said that when he came home, there was something that she wanted to give him and something she wanted to talk about. Now, when Tom got that phone call, believe me he was nervous. When he heard her said, We need to talk. Most men here all my wife has been a blast me now and she's gonna tell me what I've done wrong. When he got home, though, he walked in the house, she motioned for him to come and sit down the couch. And she sat on the floor by his feet. She said, Before we talk, I have a gift to give you. 

He looks surprised, because the gift was the last thing he thought she was going to be saying. She said, please open it. And you know what it is? He said, yes. I didn't think we still had this. I thought it was last when we moved. They had moved about five years ago. She said, I found it in the Lord asked me to give that to you today. Will you please forgive me? And then she went on to ask for forgiveness in specific ways. Now, if the other person accepts her apology, now she was asking, please Tom, would you take the cup, and then she asked him to drink from the cup. Now, because I know that none of these exercises are 100%. And if this is something that one or more of the spouse would like to do, and they'd like to offer the cup, but the other cannot honestly yet, take the cup, or they cannot honestly yet, receive that apology. Please give them that time. Please don't get reactive. Please don't get angry. Ask the Lord to help you with patience. And then ask them if you can, in a day or a couple of days, come back again. And once again offer the apology cup. How about an obstacle of using sex as a reward or punishment? How can you use the word of God as a sword when the mind of a wife says notice sex you've been a jerk all day? the antidote could be here's another thought, I will think more highly of my husband in his knees rather than my own. Now, that's not always easy. That would be the highest road especially if the wife is thinking, My husband has been such a jerk to me all day. Let's go the next step down. And that might be but you know, yesterday, my husband did this. Or I know truly who my husband is. That would be a way to not use sex as a reward or punishment rather than that aspect of punishment, or for the husband hears in his mind. 

Your wife owes your sex, it's your right to have it whenever you want. You know what? Sex is not a reward that way. Now for the husband, I would say the antidote is first Corinthians 13, which says love does not demand its own way. So if these areas are not in balance, it would be an obstacle. And certainly, let's talk about something that is not as visual or as noticeable, but it's definitely very present, satanic attack. How about when there's continued tension in your sexual relationship? Have you ever thought, why are we fighting, it feels like something is a whole lot bigger is going on. Like there's a powerful force intent on tearing us apart. It seems like every time we start to talk about being sexual, there's a fight. There's a misunderstanding, I'm too tired. It's like, there is not the opportunity to feel like it's as peaceful. Let's give a couple of examples. Last night, you made love in the same bed. And it was very nice. This morning. You can't stand to be in the same room together What happened? As a force at work? You talk, but it's like you're saying nothing. You touch but it feels so rote. It's almost as if there's no emotion. Lately, you feel like strangers. Again is there a force at work? You know that she wanted to make love. Or maybe he wanted to make love but you did not care. You got into a huge fight. You know, you're hurt. You know that she hurts, but it didn't matter. Again, is there a force at works? If I do identify, and they would identify as well, that there could be issues going on and were satan wants to come against that marriage. And that one of that relationship? I'll immediately ask if we can go into prayer. And I am praying for a hedge of protection around that couple. And that hedge of protection to be around them. Every time they come into their bedroom, every time they go to reach out for each other and every time that they are going to have oneness and come into a physical sexual intimacy together. And then I asked Jesus to give them blessing.